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Original poster

PORN HISTORY

135 replies

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:12

So I've been seeing a new man for a few weeks. All going fairly well, met OLD. Last night I saw his porn history. I checked his search history on his open laptop. I know it crosses a boundary (and would appreciate not exploring that today), BUT I just had a hunch that this man watches a lot of porn from the way he is in the bedroom (I've been through this before). Sure enough, there it was: "gang bangs" and "live cam" with women's names. A GF argued with me today that what men watch online is not who they are, but I am worried that this is not true.

OP posts:
username299 · 09/12/2024 11:19

I know you don't want to talk about violating his privacy, but here we are.

Secondly, it's up to you and how you feel about porn. Some women don't mind and others see it as a dealbreaker.

Third, the red flag is his behaviour in the bedroom. If he's treating you like a porn star or doing things you don't like, dump and run.

Menace24 · 09/12/2024 11:23

You should leave him, given that you've already massively crossed a line.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:30

Yes, I have crossed a line and I feel shame about that, BUT I asked him if he watched porn and what kind he liked to watch and he replied, "not for years, it bores him, and nothing weird." I asked because he (like so many deluded men) thought it was okay to grab my throat without a convo. I am flat-out sick of this shit, and yes, I crossed a line but I also kind of knew he was lying... also isn't "gangbangs" rapey?

OP posts:
GridlockonMain · 09/12/2024 11:32

There are a lot of issues here that you’ll need to untangle.

  1. You don’t want to talk about violating his privacy but it’s something you’ll need to give some thought to. Did you do it because you don’t trust him? Are there red flags in his behaviour? Think about what led you to want to snoop and what it says about the relationship.
  2. it’s up to you to decide how you feel about porn. Some women don’t care, for others it’s a hard line. Neither view is wrong, but follow your own heart on the issue. If it’s a dealbreaker then accept that this man isn’t for you - don’t stick around in the hope that he may change or that you can reach a compromise. It will just end up breaking your heart.
  3. Your comments about the way he is in the bedroom are concerning. One of the dangers of porn consumption (even if you don’t hugely object in principle) is that it warps a person’s view of what is normal, safe and respectful sexual activity. Porn rarely shows explicit consent, safe sex practices, or a focus on female pleasure. That can lead some men (especially those who watch a lot of it or particularly watch extreme content) to lose perspective on how to behave in a sexual relationship. That can be disastrous or even dangerous, and is unlikely to lead to a safe and stable relationship.

What he watches isn’t necessarily who he is, but he is also showing you who he is by the way he behaves in the bedroom. If that is making you uncomfortable, you have every right to end the relationship.

GridlockonMain · 09/12/2024 11:34

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:30

Yes, I have crossed a line and I feel shame about that, BUT I asked him if he watched porn and what kind he liked to watch and he replied, "not for years, it bores him, and nothing weird." I asked because he (like so many deluded men) thought it was okay to grab my throat without a convo. I am flat-out sick of this shit, and yes, I crossed a line but I also kind of knew he was lying... also isn't "gangbangs" rapey?

Edited

Cross posted with this - the throat grabbing is a major issue imo and would be a red line for me. That’s a really clear sign that he isn’t concerned about consent and has had his view of ‘normal’ sex warped by porn.

Menace24 · 09/12/2024 11:34

If you don't like how he grabbed you that's a complete issue in itself. Why does going through his search history change how you feel about how he grabbed you? You either tolerate that or you don't. No need to invade his privacy to make that decision.

Oreosareawful · 09/12/2024 11:35

A few weeks into the relationship and you are checking his search history?
He's not the one.

SocksAndTheCity · 09/12/2024 11:36

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:30

Yes, I have crossed a line and I feel shame about that, BUT I asked him if he watched porn and what kind he liked to watch and he replied, "not for years, it bores him, and nothing weird." I asked because he (like so many deluded men) thought it was okay to grab my throat without a convo. I am flat-out sick of this shit, and yes, I crossed a line but I also kind of knew he was lying... also isn't "gangbangs" rapey?

Edited

No, raping people is 'rapey'.

It's a disgusting term which minimises rape and sexual assault, and does not apply to sex between consenting adults regardless of how many of them are participating in it, or whether it's part of a porn production.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:36

Menace24 · 09/12/2024 11:34

If you don't like how he grabbed you that's a complete issue in itself. Why does going through his search history change how you feel about how he grabbed you? You either tolerate that or you don't. No need to invade his privacy to make that decision.

I tried to have a conversation about "porn and its influence" with him and thought he was lying to me, so I wanted to check for myself. The reason is that I have tried to be straightforward with many men about porn use and how it's filtering unfavourable into the bedroom and they either shut down or lie. It's just starting to properly piss me off.

OP posts:
Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:39

SocksAndTheCity · 09/12/2024 11:36

No, raping people is 'rapey'.

It's a disgusting term which minimises rape and sexual assault, and does not apply to sex between consenting adults regardless of how many of them are participating in it, or whether it's part of a porn production.

Show quote history

It was not my intention to minimise rape. I apologise if using that word eluded to that.

OP posts:
dhxxx · 09/12/2024 11:40

What did you expect to find and do with the information? If you're not happy with how he acts, leave him. It doesn't really matter what has influenced that behaviour does it. If you don't trust him this early on or like his behaviour, there is zero point in continuing. Porn or no porn

MaggieBsBoat · 09/12/2024 11:42

My sexual fantasies are quite extreme and not something I’d talk about (I am a female btw) and they in no way indicate who I am.
My DH was (is maybe?) quite a big watcher of porn but if I thought that was who he was then I’d assume he was only interested in penises and some really strange stuff.
The point is, you don’t have to be with anyone. If his history is something which doesn’t sit right with you, that is totally ok. You draw your own lines. That’s your right.

Annabella92 · 09/12/2024 11:43

SocksAndTheCity · 09/12/2024 11:36

No, raping people is 'rapey'.

It's a disgusting term which minimises rape and sexual assault, and does not apply to sex between consenting adults regardless of how many of them are participating in it, or whether it's part of a porn production.

Show quote history

I really disagree with this. Does your definition of rape extend beyond anything which is sex minus consent?

While consent is important and unfortunately necessary to emphasise for the bewildered pornsick herds, I think it sets an extremely and unacceptably low bar as far as moral conduct in the erotix realm is concerned.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:44

dhxxx · 09/12/2024 11:40

What did you expect to find and do with the information? If you're not happy with how he acts, leave him. It doesn't really matter what has influenced that behaviour does it. If you don't trust him this early on or like his behaviour, there is zero point in continuing. Porn or no porn

I have psychological training so I know when I'm being lied to, and I am flat-out sick of men re-enacting porn scenarios without consent. Maybe THAT is the post that I should have written today. The onus seems to sit very heavily pro-him because I snooped, but how many women on here have had suspicions about their partners snooped and found out they were right? Our intuition is everything AND it's what keeps us safe and alive in the bedroom, BUT society tells us we are wrong by normalising porn addiction and its impact.

OP posts:
Teacherprebaby · 09/12/2024 11:44

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:36

I tried to have a conversation about "porn and its influence" with him and thought he was lying to me, so I wanted to check for myself. The reason is that I have tried to be straightforward with many men about porn use and how it's filtering unfavourable into the bedroom and they either shut down or lie. It's just starting to properly piss me off.

Show quote history

Something is up with the men you are choosing if this happens often!!!

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:45

Annabella92 · 09/12/2024 11:43

I really disagree with this. Does your definition of rape extend beyond anything which is sex minus consent?

While consent is important and unfortunately necessary to emphasise for the bewildered pornsick herds, I think it sets an extremely and unacceptably low bar as far as moral conduct in the erotix realm is concerned.

Show quote history

I watched one of the links: the women were not consenting; it was definitely non-consensual as a porn scenario.

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 09/12/2024 11:45

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:30

Yes, I have crossed a line and I feel shame about that, BUT I asked him if he watched porn and what kind he liked to watch and he replied, "not for years, it bores him, and nothing weird." I asked because he (like so many deluded men) thought it was okay to grab my throat without a convo. I am flat-out sick of this shit, and yes, I crossed a line but I also kind of knew he was lying... also isn't "gangbangs" rapey?

Edited

Pretty sure every man I've dated has watched porn, but none of them have grabbed me by the throat. The issue here isn't the porn habit; it's what he did. Most men who watch porn all the time still wouldn't grab a woman by the throat in a million years.

You should have just dumped him when he crossed the line in bed. You didn't need to go through his browsing history.

'Gang bang', in itself, isn't automatically 'rapey' - it usually means consensual sex with one woman and a group of men. But of course any type of porn can be 'rapey' if that's what someone's seeking out.

Menace24 · 09/12/2024 11:46

Where on earth are you finding all of these porn re-enacting men? I've literally never had that happen with a partner, they've always been respectful like I am to them.

ItGhoul · 09/12/2024 11:48

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:45

I watched one of the links: the women were not consenting; it was definitely non-consensual as a porn scenario.

Show quote history

If you watched it and you feel it implied rape, you don't need to ask whether 'gang bang' implies rape. The video you watched and which your partner presumably watched implied rape, so the fact that it was labelled 'gang bang' is neither here nor there.

You're focusing on some really odd stuff here. The issue is that your partner grabbed you by the throat, not the fact that he searched for the words 'gang bang' on bloody PornHub.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:49

Menace24 · 09/12/2024 11:46

Where on earth are you finding all of these porn re-enacting men? I've literally never had that happen with a partner, they've always been respectful like I am to them.

I am in my fifties and only started OLD a few years ago, in that time I have had four men pull my hair hard and/or go for the throat. My friends have also experienced it in this age group. I wonder if they think it's what all the young-uns are doing, or I am (inadvertently) attracting them, but if you saw me you'd laugh at that... nothing about me screams BDSM siren.

OP posts:
Typerighter · 09/12/2024 11:50

As someone with a PhD in psychology I have no idea what "psychological training" lets you know when someone is lying. Are you that guy from 'lie to me' who used microexpressions to convict murder suspects?

Garlicwest · 09/12/2024 11:51

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:36

I tried to have a conversation about "porn and its influence" with him and thought he was lying to me, so I wanted to check for myself. The reason is that I have tried to be straightforward with many men about porn use and how it's filtering unfavourable into the bedroom and they either shut down or lie. It's just starting to properly piss me off.

Show quote history

I'm sorry you're being criticised for double-checking after he lied and for your terminology, @rubberduck68. (fwiw, I think porn that simulates a rape situation is rapey!)

I know exactly what you mean about being able to tell he's a porn user from his sexual behaviour. It's one of the reasons I stopped having sex; this was happening almost all the time.

You are being REASONABLE to end a relationship for ANY reason. It could be the type of shoes he wears but, in this case, it's a deal-breaker for me so I'm naturally aligned with your values on this.

It's also reasonable to check up if you feel someone you have sex with is lying about something that may impact your relationship. Others may disagree but, frankly, I suspect they have little real-world experience.

Jagoda · 09/12/2024 11:51

YANBU

Bin him

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:53

Typerighter · 09/12/2024 11:50

As someone with a PhD in psychology I have no idea what "psychological training" lets you know when someone is lying. Are you that guy from 'lie to me' who used microexpressions to convict murder suspects?

No I am not, but your training is not necessarily the same as any other therapists or counsellor; there are so many different trainings out there as you well know. Your response is shaming and mocking, and implying that I am a man posing as a woman on this site is accusatory and unfounded.

OP posts:
GasPanic · 09/12/2024 11:56

Sounds like you don't like porn very much.

Next time, put in your online dating profile, "don't like or expect partner to use porn" and "expect to be able to search personal device histories for evidence of this".

That should help screen out the men you don't want.

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