Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PORN HISTORY

135 replies

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 11:12

So I've been seeing a new man for a few weeks. All going fairly well, met OLD. Last night I saw his porn history. I checked his search history on his open laptop. I know it crosses a boundary (and would appreciate not exploring that today), BUT I just had a hunch that this man watches a lot of porn from the way he is in the bedroom (I've been through this before). Sure enough, there it was: "gang bangs" and "live cam" with women's names. A GF argued with me today that what men watch online is not who they are, but I am worried that this is not true.

OP posts:
Thatcastlethere · 09/12/2024 13:24

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 13:18

choking and snooping are in no way equal in terms of "abuse". No, my snooping did not cancel out his abusive behaviour, but it satisfied my "It this another porn addicted man?" instincts and I was right. So now, after discovering that, and posting on here I am going to change how I approach intimate relationships, but I am not going to apologise for checking an abuser's search history. EVER. FYI, it's the first thing the police would do if I had reported him to them because choking is a violent act.

Show quote history

Where did I say it was equal to it?
It is abuse though. You know that it is. I'm not trying to say he's not abusive himself. And me thinking you should not have snooped isn't about his well being it's about yours. I don't expect you to apologise. Approaching relationships differently in the future is great. It's just that you shouldn't have to do this.. I genuinely think you should leave before it gets to this point.
I'm not blaming you for what he did at all and it IS a violent act and he is a piece of shit. I just don't think snooping was necessary or kept you safe in any way because it could have backfired. It's not a healthy behaviour it doesn't help anyone. You luckily had what you thought confirmed but what if it hadn't been because he'd been careful with his history? It's a rabbit hole. It harms you psychologically at this point.
I'm glad you've left him and I'm sorry you went thru thar. I'm not trying to be harsh to you I just strongly believe it's a fools errand to snoop. I've been at both sides of a situation like this.

lunar1 · 09/12/2024 13:25

Yeah that's exactly what I said.

Ggmores · 09/12/2024 13:27

You’ve both overstepped boundaries. There is no future in the relationship. Next time initiate the conversations about sex and your boundaries before sex. Sex without consent is quite a common fantasy for women too, it doesn’t mean they want to be raped, it’s a fantasy.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 13:28

Thatcastlethere · 09/12/2024 13:24

Where did I say it was equal to it?
It is abuse though. You know that it is. I'm not trying to say he's not abusive himself. And me thinking you should not have snooped isn't about his well being it's about yours. I don't expect you to apologise. Approaching relationships differently in the future is great. It's just that you shouldn't have to do this.. I genuinely think you should leave before it gets to this point.
I'm not blaming you for what he did at all and it IS a violent act and he is a piece of shit. I just don't think snooping was necessary or kept you safe in any way because it could have backfired. It's not a healthy behaviour it doesn't help anyone. You luckily had what you thought confirmed but what if it hadn't been because he'd been careful with his history? It's a rabbit hole. It harms you psychologically at this point.
I'm glad you've left him and I'm sorry you went thru thar. I'm not trying to be harsh to you I just strongly believe it's a fools errand to snoop. I've been at both sides of a situation like this.

Show quote history

Yes, snooping is wrong I have owned that, but men lying about their porn addictions even when asked is also wrong, and taking that violation a step further and re-enacting porn scenarios without consent, then maintaining their lies is so many levels of violation that I just can't even compare it to an internet snoop. Maybe it's easier to take the moral high ground on the snooping when you don't have marks on your neck.

OP posts:
GoldsolesLugs · 09/12/2024 13:31

Why on earth are you still with him if you describe him as "your abuser"?

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 13:38

GoldsolesLugs · 09/12/2024 13:31

Why on earth are you still with him if you describe him as "your abuser"?

I am not still with him. I told him today that I had looked at his search history, called him on being a boundary violator and a liar. He at first got upset about my looking at his laptop but then admitted that he was wrong, which was a first in this situation. FYI I am very short and petite he is twice my weight, and I explained how that felt for me in the moment. I apologised for snooping, and he apologised for not asking for consent before putting his hand around my throat although I still got the feeling he didn't really mean it. It was a row until things settled, but I've now blocked him. My GFs response worried me, as have some of the responses on here, which was the point of the post.

OP posts:
Thatcastlethere · 09/12/2024 13:42

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 13:28

Yes, snooping is wrong I have owned that, but men lying about their porn addictions even when asked is also wrong, and taking that violation a step further and re-enacting porn scenarios without consent, then maintaining their lies is so many levels of violation that I just can't even compare it to an internet snoop. Maybe it's easier to take the moral high ground on the snooping when you don't have marks on your neck.

Show quote history

I don't think one single person here has suggested that what he's done isn't wrong.
Just that snooping isn't going to help you and is unhealthy.
But I think every single person here is saying you should definitely leave him.
And I have had marks around my neck and still do because I had a stab wound to the neck from a man.
It's not the moral high ground it's to protect you from getting drawn into toxic dynamics.
It must've been awful and I do feel for you but next time don't even ask him. Don't have a conversation. Trust yourself and your boundaries and end it there and then. I've been drawn into this bollocks myself.. don't discuss it with them. He violated your boundaries and that's the end of it. You don't need to snoop, you don't need to hear what he has to say about it. You know he's a piece of shit. Snooping is allowing yourself to be manipulated into a toxic abusive dynamic.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 13:46

Thatcastlethere · 09/12/2024 13:42

I don't think one single person here has suggested that what he's done isn't wrong.
Just that snooping isn't going to help you and is unhealthy.
But I think every single person here is saying you should definitely leave him.
And I have had marks around my neck and still do because I had a stab wound to the neck from a man.
It's not the moral high ground it's to protect you from getting drawn into toxic dynamics.
It must've been awful and I do feel for you but next time don't even ask him. Don't have a conversation. Trust yourself and your boundaries and end it there and then. I've been drawn into this bollocks myself.. don't discuss it with them. He violated your boundaries and that's the end of it. You don't need to snoop, you don't need to hear what he has to say about it. You know he's a piece of shit. Snooping is allowing yourself to be manipulated into a toxic abusive dynamic.

Show quote history

I am so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for the advice, I get where its coming from now...

OP posts:
FlirtsWithRhinos · 09/12/2024 13:48

Menace24 · 09/12/2024 13:09

Where did I say snooping is worse than lying?

Show quote history

You condemned her for snooping. Are you now agreeing it was ok given that he lied to her?

Menace24 · 09/12/2024 13:55

FlirtsWithRhinos · 09/12/2024 13:48

You condemned her for snooping. Are you now agreeing it was ok given that he lied to her?

Show quote history

Lying and snooping are both not ok. What I said was she wasn't happy with his aggressive behaviour so it didn't need to go any further, he's already shown his red flags. Porn is irrelevant. His actions are what's relevant. So if you only want to pick out the parts that fit your narrative then carry on.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 13:56

It is my fault that the conversation has become more about snooping than choking. I set out wanting to find out if anyone else had experienced this more than once with men who have prolific porn use. I didn't quite know how to word what I wanted to say, I just threw all the facts at the page in a not very purposeful way. I think I'm feeling a mix of shock, shame, fear, and confusion right now...

OP posts:
Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 13:56

Menace24 · 09/12/2024 13:55

Lying and snooping are both not ok. What I said was she wasn't happy with his aggressive behaviour so it didn't need to go any further, he's already shown his red flags. Porn is irrelevant. His actions are what's relevant. So if you only want to pick out the parts that fit your narrative then carry on.

Show quote history

I think I was trying to make porn relevant but didn't word my post that well...

OP posts:
SleeplessInWherever · 09/12/2024 14:05

I think (?) what OP meant is, is there a link between certain sexual behaviour, and porn. There undoubtedly is.

Men use porn to get ideas of what they want/like, and in worst cases transfer that into the bedroom non-consensually because they believe women should behave like porn stars. Which is what this guy has done here.

Apologies if I’ve misunderstood!

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 14:15

SleeplessInWherever · 09/12/2024 14:05

I think (?) what OP meant is, is there a link between certain sexual behaviour, and porn. There undoubtedly is.

Men use porn to get ideas of what they want/like, and in worst cases transfer that into the bedroom non-consensually because they believe women should behave like porn stars. Which is what this guy has done here.

Apologies if I’ve misunderstood!

Yes, this... thank you.

OP posts:
canyouletthedogoutplease · 09/12/2024 14:20

thought it was okay to grab my throat without a convo.

This is the point where you decide that this is not someone you want to see again. And not see them again. Not go into his laptop to try and analyse why he's grabbing you by the throat. It doesn't matter.

FlirtsWithRhinos · 09/12/2024 14:24

Menace24 · 09/12/2024 13:55

Lying and snooping are both not ok. What I said was she wasn't happy with his aggressive behaviour so it didn't need to go any further, he's already shown his red flags. Porn is irrelevant. His actions are what's relevant. So if you only want to pick out the parts that fit your narrative then carry on.

Show quote history

Ok. I disagree. I think the porn and the lying are indicators of his attitude to women and the choking is a manifestation of that attitude. It's all part of the same thing.

A narrative that ignores the lying and the porn in favour of just the point at which he laid his hands on her minimises the lack of respect that enables it, and a narrative that castigates a victim for violating the privacy of the person who mistreated her is an age old tactic to minimise and delegitimise women's complaints about men's behaviour. And while I'm not saying you are doing this on purpose, you are helping to reinforce that norm.

Basically, she was right in her belief that his choking was part of a pattern. That information helps her make more informed decisions in future, and it's information she can share with other women to help them make better decisions. But she only knows that because she snooped.

Doliveira · 09/12/2024 14:25

I don’t care at all that you checked his porn history. Fgs you’ve been his sexual partner, what crazy boundaries is this when you can get naked with someone , they throttle you when you’re naked, and you’re not entitled to look at their laptop?!
I agree that the throat grabbing was enough to dump him, but I’m sure you were utterly frazzled and looking for a grounding corroboration in the midst of your shock.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/12/2024 14:32

To me there’s 2 issues here, one much bigger than the other.

  1. The acts during sex that you’re not comfortable with, like choking, not okay and you absolutely can and should express that. Some women like it, some women don’t, it’s really a conversation best to be had beforehand, if I was being generous I’d say maybe he has previously had partners who enjoyed that and it’s something he enjoys so he thought it okay to try and see. We don’t explicitly ask about every single thing we do during foreplay/sex beforehand, but anything you are not okay with- say so. Although it sounds like you won’t see this one again anyway.

  2. The porn, I think most people have the automatic reply of “not often, haven’t in ages, nothing weird” when asked about porn use. I can’t imagine many people when getting to know someone would come out and say “yeah I watch porn every other day, gangbangs and bondage mostly”. Snooping to get information isn’t okay, if you don’t believe his answer and it doesn’t sit right with you then again I’d walk away immediately anyway. What’s the point snooping when it doesn’t change the lack of trust you have anyway?

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 14:34

canyouletthedogoutplease · 09/12/2024 14:20

thought it was okay to grab my throat without a convo.

This is the point where you decide that this is not someone you want to see again. And not see them again. Not go into his laptop to try and analyse why he's grabbing you by the throat. It doesn't matter.

It was the fourth time it has happened, and the other three were outed as having porn addictions, so it kind of does matter to me. I want to avoid this kind of man again but I am not sure I can spot them in the wild or online, and after this forum, yes I will put my boundaries down clearer, no porn addicts, no non-consensual BDSM acts, etc., but what I have learned is that men lie, even when confronted with the truth, so I don't even know if that will work. I just wanted some advice really on how to weed them out for next time (if I can ever face doing it again) and to talk to someone other than a married friend who hasn't dated in years!

OP posts:
Original poster
rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 14:39

Mrsttcno1 · 09/12/2024 14:32

To me there’s 2 issues here, one much bigger than the other.

  1. The acts during sex that you’re not comfortable with, like choking, not okay and you absolutely can and should express that. Some women like it, some women don’t, it’s really a conversation best to be had beforehand, if I was being generous I’d say maybe he has previously had partners who enjoyed that and it’s something he enjoys so he thought it okay to try and see. We don’t explicitly ask about every single thing we do during foreplay/sex beforehand, but anything you are not okay with- say so. Although it sounds like you won’t see this one again anyway.

  2. The porn, I think most people have the automatic reply of “not often, haven’t in ages, nothing weird” when asked about porn use. I can’t imagine many people when getting to know someone would come out and say “yeah I watch porn every other day, gangbangs and bondage mostly”. Snooping to get information isn’t okay, if you don’t believe his answer and it doesn’t sit right with you then again I’d walk away immediately anyway. What’s the point snooping when it doesn’t change the lack of trust you have anyway?

  1. Men are aware of consent now so there is no excuse.
  2. The point was to see if this was again (this is the fourth time I've experienced it (another porn addicted man.)
OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 09/12/2024 14:41

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 14:34

It was the fourth time it has happened, and the other three were outed as having porn addictions, so it kind of does matter to me. I want to avoid this kind of man again but I am not sure I can spot them in the wild or online, and after this forum, yes I will put my boundaries down clearer, no porn addicts, no non-consensual BDSM acts, etc., but what I have learned is that men lie, even when confronted with the truth, so I don't even know if that will work. I just wanted some advice really on how to weed them out for next time (if I can ever face doing it again) and to talk to someone other than a married friend who hasn't dated in years!

Edited
Show quote history

Spotting them in the wild and online at first glance is going to be pretty much impossible, but it may be worth (although I accept it’s not the most sexy chat to have) discussing sex before you actually get to the point of having sex. Discuss likes/dislikes, anything that you absolutely don’t want to try, anything you’re not comfortable with. Have those chats beforehand, figure out if even on that basic level you do have common sexual interests, it may be that once you say no to X Y Z the person decides they’re no longer interested and that’s okay, equally if someone tells you they want to do A and B you can cut it off and say actually you’re not sexually compatible. Having the discussion beforehand also gets rid of the “ah well I like this so I thought you might so I tried it” if you’ve explicitly said beforehand no to those things.

For all there’s a lot of negative chat about BDSM relationships sometimes this is really one thing that (when done well) they can get very right, there are open conversations there before you ever get naked with another person about limits, boundaries and consent in a way that in your day to day life we don’t tend to do.

SleeplessInWherever · 09/12/2024 14:43

rubberduck68 · 09/12/2024 14:39

  1. Men are aware of consent now so there is no excuse.
  2. The point was to see if this was again (this is the fourth time I've experienced it (another porn addicted man.)
Show quote history

On point 2 - I think it would depend on how much porn, and what content, you’d be okay with.

You could ask every man if they watched it and what. Some would lie, for sure, and I’d say most would say they watch it at all.

The only suggestion I’d have is making clear at the start of any relationship that porn is a non-negotiable for you, if it is.

It would mean having a conversation about sexual preferences very early, and might not change anything if they’re not truthful, but apart from guessing somehow what their porn use is, I’m out of ideas!

BeardofHagrid · 09/12/2024 14:45

Tbh those seem like quite generic/non problematic things to be searching for. On the other hand he has lied to you about watching it, and he obviously has issues of shame/denial around it. Maybe you two are just not compatible.

coxesorangepippin · 09/12/2024 14:46

I'm over 40 and would have no time for this

emmypa · 09/12/2024 14:46

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of him besides you OP. He watches porn, which you don't agree with. He grabbed you by the throat. Don't waste any more time with him. He's not right for you!