PORN HISTORY

[rubberduck68]

So I've been seeing a new man for a few weeks. All going fairly well, met OLD. Last night I saw his porn history. I checked his search history on his open laptop. I know it crosses a boundary (and would appreciate not exploring that today), BUT I just had a hunch that this man watches a lot of porn from the way he is in the bedroom (I've been through this before). Sure enough, there it was: "gang bangs" and "live cam" with women's names. A GF argued with me today that what men watch online is not who they are, but I am worried that this is not true.

It doesn't sound like you want convincing the porns okay, more that you're justified in your thinking.

He watches porn, not the end of the world.
He grabbed your throat, misguided yes and if you communicated you didn't like it and he doesn't do it again I can't see an issue.

He told you he didn't watch porn, alright he wasn't being honest but it's quite a personal thing!

Just break it off and move on! You don't sound like you even like him!

I agree with you but I think it's nuanced. I think people can (should be able to) separate fantasy and reality. So if a woman engages in a rape fantasy it obviously doesn't mean that she actually wants to be raped, right? Similarly, a man could fantasize about a woman who really wanted him to choke her or something while recognizing that it's essentially a story, not reality and that this is not something that you should just do to women without consent.

This has no bearing on how women should behave when men put their hands round their throat without consent though - that is unambiguous.

100% same.

Agreed, in the worst cases men use the things they’ve seen in porn to either cross boundaries or harm people without their consent.

But - in line with what you’re saying, in the other (and better) cases, those ideas are part of a consensual and willing sexual relationship that both people want.

The ones that use them as an act of violence, like OPs experience, are dickheads to begin with, they’re encouraged by what they can see on line.

It is possible to have a consensual relationship that has elements of BDSM/kink/anything seen in porn, but there’s just also those who misuse it.

You're not alone. My most recent ex didn't like doing it but claimed his ex had and that if I asked most of my friends I'd be surprised as they probably would too.

I absolutely cannot stand hands anywhere near my throat. I've come to expect that most men watch porn to some degree but I absolutely wouldn't date someone whose behaviour was influenced by it.

I can’t believe what I’m reading here. A man chokes a woman during sex, and the woman is at fault for finding out what she can about him before letting him near her again?

Is doing a Claire’s Law request also a ‘violation’ of a man’s rights? Does his right to privacy outweigh a woman’s right to physical safety?

OP, you were wise to check his porn history. A man who gets off on fantasies of violence against women is not someone you want in your life. Especially when we now know how often the women used in porn are trafficked, or drug-addicted or vulnerable in other ways. There is real abuse there.

I’m disgusted by the amount of minimising and victim-blaming on this thread.

OP, never feel guilty or intimidated about protecting yourself.

It’s frightening how quickly and easily normality can be changed. If a man had grabbed my throat when I was dating, I would have run a mile from him.

I was sexually actively for many years before I married, and I had some bad experiences. But never, during a consensual sexual encounter, did a man try to choke me or even pull my hair. I never heard of that, and nor did any of my friends, as far as I know. If a man tried anything aggressive, you would dump him — never give him the chance to do it again.

I’ve been married over 20 years. Now, thanks to violent pornography being readily accessible to all ages, a generation has grown up thinking male violence is a routine part of sex.

IMO the issue is around consent, not hair pulling etc taking place at all.

OP doesn’t consent to it, and that’s absolutely fair and shouldn’t be overstepped. Should have been established before it happened etc.

But, separately, there are others who do, and that is also fair - surely. Everyone has their own boundaries.

Yeah, I keep attracting BDSM weirdos as well. Wish they would fuck off, with or without their stupid cock cages and other assorted fetishes.

And no, nothing about me says dominatrix either, unless dominatrixes (dominatrices?) tend to shop in Marks and Spencer and wear sensible shoes.

OP, having read as many comments as I could before my blood boiled, I admire your courteous and reasoned responses.

But it is terrifying how many people will try to undermine a woman’s survival instinct. Searching his history gave you a useful confirmation of what you suspected from his behaviour. You had every right. No one has the right to demand that you immediately dump him, without seeking further information, if you’d felt inclined to give him a second chance.

Shame on anyone who discourages a woman from seeking relevant information (eg on violent fantasies) about a man she is allowing into her bed. When it’s women discouraging other women from doing so, that’s just incomprehensible.

Yes, same. I look like a librarian, and not the kind that shakes their pony tail out and takes their glasses off to become a siren... I look like the kind who enjoys the Dewey Decimal!

Mind you some of those kinky types probably get off on the Dewey Decimal too, especially if you quoted it to them (can you quote DD??) while clamping their nipples or similar. I mean is that really any less weird than wanting to be cuckolded or to have your genitals caged like a gerbil?

Would be lovely to find a nice, normal chap who wanted nice, normal sex and a nice, normal relationship.

I think you’ve just written my new dating profile! The “wanted, nice, normal…” but, not the librarian fantasy!

Happy to help!

I don't know why everyone is up in arms. He strangled you and watched filmed rape. Who gives a fuck if you invaded his privacy.

Apologises if I’m being dim here, but would that discussion not be the consent part?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a discussion that means both are able to express their preferences, which should then be followed.

I appreciate that there are those who then don’t follow those preferences, but if for whatever reason you don’t want celibacy, then isn’t communication the right starting point?

@SleeplessInWherever
Apologises if I’m being dim here, but would that discussion not be the consent part?

I think that @theresabluebirdinmyheart is saying that it's sick that women feel the need to have a discussion first so they are not assaulted during sex. The expectation should be that they are not assaulted during sex as a default. The onus should be on the person with a preference for that to bring it up beforehand and ask about consent. And then of course not do it if they don't get consent, which also appears just too much to ask for some men.

I’m sorry but did you read my post? I said it doesn’t matter whether you discuss it beforehand, many guys just do what they want anyway. That’s way too big a risk for me.
Also, some guys think because you say no on one occasion it just means that specific time and any future encounters are a free for all.

@Planesmistakenforstars yeah you shouldn’t have to ask a guy not to hurt you before sleeping with him? And when you do, do you think a guy who gets off on violence against women is going to pay much notice?

I'm not saying it doesn't matter, in terms of what you want out of a relationship, far from it.

I'm saying that if someone has grabbed you by the throat during sex against your wishes, then the reason behind it isn't yours to uncover. You might go looking for the reason in a laptop. You could find the porn you were looking for to corroborate that theory, yet the real reason they did it be one of many other potential issues. I'm suggesting that you don't waste your energy sleuthing it out.

I don't think you're going to weed them out any way other than being fully frank and having some up front conversations about sex and your expectations, before you hit the sack. And even then, humans can say one thing and do another. Be prepared to be very clear about your boundaries, which is what you will and won't accept, not what you want the other person to do or not do, and at the first sniff of something that is unacceptable to you, be out of there.

I did.

My difficulty is that some are happy for those things to take place, and would give consent - which is why a choice should be given either way.

I don’t necessarily think it should have to be lead by the woman, just that some form of communication should happen before any of that occurs, so that consent can either be given or not.

I do agree that discussing it won’t help with someone who’s going to do it anyway though, unfortunately.

It’s quite weird that that’s what you take from what I wrote tbh. Quite a brutal experience and you’re just going on about well some women like that…. Are you a guy?

Nope, I’m not.

Also think “going on” might be a stretch. I was more pointing out that unless everyone abstains fully, we will generally have to speak to men, and if consent can’t be assumed (which is true), then those conversations should involve not giving it?

because he (like so many deluded men) thought it was okay to grab my throat without a convo.

He did something you're (entirely understandably) put off by during sex.

You suspected it's at least in part because he's a regular porn user - and not of the "couple having nice sex" type of porn ....(which absolutely does exist, even on mainstream porn sites, believe it or not) and you were right.

You also confirmer he lied about the frequency and type of porn.

So, with respect, what's left to discuss (re him, I mean)?