PORN HISTORY

[rubberduck68]

So I've been seeing a new man for a few weeks. All going fairly well, met OLD. Last night I saw his porn history. I checked his search history on his open laptop. I know it crosses a boundary (and would appreciate not exploring that today), BUT I just had a hunch that this man watches a lot of porn from the way he is in the bedroom (I've been through this before). Sure enough, there it was: "gang bangs" and "live cam" with women's names. A GF argued with me today that what men watch online is not who they are, but I am worried that this is not true.

Totally on your side OP. If you're sleeping with someone you're well within your rights to know if they're also watching hardcore pornography. You asked him outright and he lied which means he's violated your boundaries. Personally I wouldn't consent to sleep with someone if I knew they were watching porn, especially if it was violent or degrading. I don't know who decided that women have to put up with this shit but I certainly won't.

A GF argued with me today that what men watch online is not who they are

JFC does your GF live under a rock? Tell her to Google Gisele Pelicot!

Yes! It’s an epidemic. I’m very very sorry it’s happening.

You are forgetting that she straight out asked him if he used porn and he lied. You seem to think "snooping" is worse than lying. I don't. I think a liar has no right to expect to be treated as if they are honest.

The only way to combat this is to have a conversation outside the bedroom before embarking on a sexual relationship.
Make it clear you're not into rough sex, spell it out if necessary. If they do anything you have not consented to, kick them out.

I also agree with this. When I got together with my now partner I had a conversation where I told him I'm not ok with strip clubs, porn, rough sex etc. It was awkward given we'd never even kissed but I'd rather have one slightly embarrassing conversation than risk feeling violated.

Absolutely agree with this.

It’s obvious that the argument that watching certain types of porn is a fantasy and doesn’t shape who a person is in real life falls down when that person is non-consensually putting their hands around their partner’s neck.

It feels to me like there’s a bit of a male slant to the replies on this thread.

Why are women still claiming that poor boundaries and lack of communication are the problem?

The problem is that so many men get off on boundary violation and lying.

Just end it, a few weeks in and you're both walking red flags for each other. What on earth part of your psychology training would indicate there is a healthy future here.

Bit naive.

He assaulted you, he watches porn or a type of porn which is deal breaker for you, and he's lying to you about something that's a dealbreaker. There is nothing good about this man.

Going forward you probably need to have a conversation beforehand and make clear that hands on throat without asking is violating consent (same with hair pulling, slapping etc.) It's disgusting that you have to spell out consent to men, but here we are. Checking his search history was shit. But overall of course YNBU to dump him, or to expect men to seek consent.

therapists and counsellors do face the same issues in relationships as other people; we make mistakes, are vulnerable and we are not our jobs.

I would rather, "Something is up with the men."

Exactly.

You've done nothing wrong OP. Self protection at the end of the day. Very wise if you ask me.

You are being unreasonable to have looked through his stuff obviously. You do not need to do that. If what he does in the bedroom makes you uncomfortable then end it with him. You don't need any type of backup or evidence. Please don't do this again. It's abusive to rummage through people's personal property and there is not justification for it. You already knew. Trust yourself and have confidence in your own boundaries. Don't stoop to abusive invasive behaviour. I don't mean this in a harsh way. Next time don't bother looking. If it doesn't feel right, have the confidence to just end it. You don't need a concrete reason. You know what you feel.

My safety boundaries were violated, and I was lied to. I knew what I would find. I wanted to satisfy that curiosity so I could establish a pattern of behaviour that I am experiencing in boundary violating men, but society and men pleasers have been busy telling me for years that men's boundaries are more important than mine. How many cheating men whine on and on about their wives looking at their phones?!! I snooped, but If it keeps another woman safe, then I am all good with looking at his history because I am not alone in being treated like this. Snooping never killed anyone, choking in the bedroom has killed many women.

And what would you say to a client who was checking their boyfriend's search history after a few weeks?

Where did I say snooping is worse than lying?

One of the reasons some people are snooping is because this kind of thing is now so common and men it seems have no qualms in lying about it- it's a shame people feel the need to but having been on the receiving end these days of someone lying about all this stuff and being very tied financially , I'm personally into self preservation and knowing what you are dealing with - don't care if it's porn, sexting, dating sites - basically any stuff that on a personal loyalty level I'm not ok with . Not good I know-

You know it's wrong. It's abusive. That doesn't mean what he did wasn't abusive. It doesn't mean you should ever have anything to do with him again. But you know it's not right. And it's about the impact of you behaving like that on you. What if you hadn't found anything?? How would you have felt then? It would have made it more confusing.
But you know something is wrong. If the trust is gone then end it. It's never OK to snoop imo.
One abusive behaviour doesn't cancel out another it just leads to a really toxic unhealthy situation. It wasn't protecting yourself because you already knew.
I say this regarding cheating as well. If you think your partner is cheating just leave. You don't need evidence. The lack of trust is enough.
Imo more women would be protected by just having confidence enough in themselves and their reactions. We are taught we need a reason to give up. We are raised to be quite invasive to hang on to relationships or work them out or whatever... you do not need to do any of that. Just walk away. Trust your instincts and walk away. Don't lower yourself to any man's nonsense.

Whatever line you may have crossed by looking at his search history, this comes nowhere close to the massive boundary he's leapt over by grabbing your throat without consent! This is absolutely a no-go without a serious conversation beforehand. Hope you're OK, op 💐

That is impossible to answer as a hypothetical without the history of the client. But I'll play along: I'd ask them why they felt the need to do it, which would lead to an admission about a violent sexual act in the bedroom without consent, at which point there might be a discussion about reporting it to the police because what so many porn makes and users are choosing to ignore is that choking is a violent act, which can lead to death. However, it has been normalised that choking is the new sexual foreplay in mainstream porn, which was the very reason I asked him about porn and then checked in on his lie. Surely the question should be, "what would I say to a client who admits to choking a woman without consent?" See the difference in the mindset? You are questioning my actions, not his?

choking and snooping are in no way equal in terms of "abuse". No, my snooping did not cancel out his abusive behaviour, but it satisfied my "It this another porn addicted man?" instincts and I was right. So now, after discovering that, and posting on here I am going to change how I approach intimate relationships, but I am not going to apologise for checking an abuser's search history. EVER. FYI, it's the first thing the police would do if I had reported him to them because choking is a violent act.

He's not here to answer questions, you are. This relationship is new, and you have both overstepped a line, his worse than yours.

You're an intelligent woman, and you should want better for yourself.

Checking someone phone is what people in long term relationships with intertwined commitments and lots to lose do.

It's a few weeks of dating, walk away and save yourself the drama.

Yes, my abuser has no voice. I am kind of okay with that...

That was just a really long way of saying women are responsible for male behaviour really. Apparently we need to add gaining mind reading abilities to our to do list rather than expect men not to be misogynistic, aggressive liars.