PORN HISTORY

[rubberduck68]

So I've been seeing a new man for a few weeks. All going fairly well, met OLD. Last night I saw his porn history. I checked his search history on his open laptop. I know it crosses a boundary (and would appreciate not exploring that today), BUT I just had a hunch that this man watches a lot of porn from the way he is in the bedroom (I've been through this before). Sure enough, there it was: "gang bangs" and "live cam" with women's names. A GF argued with me today that what men watch online is not who they are, but I am worried that this is not true.

Your suspicions are up, he lied, you found evidence that confirms everything. I do think that the type of things people watch online are a reflection of who they are. You've only known this man a few weeks and he's already testing the boundaries.

Thank you for sharing that you have had a similar experience, and I am so sorry that it was one of the reasons that you have stopped having sex, tbh I feel I might be right behind you on that.

"Testing the boundaries" is the issue for sure. I am not a naturally distrustful person, and had a very long marriage with an honest man who I trusted very much, and never questioned in that regard, but since OLD I have been in the company of so many men who do lie, sometimes they can't keep track of what they have said, it's that bad and in the bedroom it's just been lacking anything sensual and at times consensual. This crap did not happen when I was in my twenties and thirties so something has shifted...

He is a man who enjoys watching women being abused and violated.
He not only enjoys watching it he is carrying this over into real life- hence his behaviour towards you in the bedroom.
Porn desensitises men. It makes it impossible for then to have a healthy relationship in real life.
I would end the relationship.

I'm in my mid 40's and have also experienced this. Back when i was in my 20's, prior to my marriage and subsequent divorce, this never happened when i dated. It feels that as time has gone on, there is more free and easy to access porn and these blokes are getting addicted to it and needing more extreme stuff in order to get off. Unfortunately, this is becoming a problem that many women are encountering when dating men.

OP I don't think you've done anything wrong. You listened to your gut, and you got the confirmation you needed.

Run for the hills, he's a bad egg 🤮

is there something wrong with my choices, or is it that the choices available are just a bit broken? Dating in your fifties is a small pool of often damaged men (and women)...

@rubberduck68 no judgement here- if something feels off it feels off - o wish men wouldn't lie about this aspect of themselves- for many women still 'a big deal' - I would rather someone was upfront about it and decide if I could live with it

I am sorry you have experienced this too. It feels so violating... Bad eggs indeed!

Oh goody, all the porn defenders have shown up to let us know how open minded they are.

OP, you know you don't like this and I can understand why. A new boyfriend shouldn't be unexpectedly choking you during sex. Watching tonnes of porn is indeed a red flag about a man's attitudes towards women. There are men out there who are better adjusted.

The only way to combat this is to have a conversation outside the bedroom before embarking on a sexual relationship.

Make it clear you're not into rough sex, spell it out if necessary. If they do anything you have not consented to, kick them out.

I don't think you did anything wrong, he grabbed your throat ffs, you suspected he lied to you and all you did was check if he was, women are fully entitled to protect themselves from getting involved with violent, pornsick men, God knows no one else does. I'd walk away from this one.

I would be mortified if someone went through my search history!!

However he cannot grab your throat if you don't want him to - and you now know he's lied to you so after a few weeks it doesn't seem to be going great all round

I don’t think policing the language of a woman whose partner has already performed an aggressive act during sex without her consent is particularly helpful.

Women are so conditioned to accept transgression of their sexual boundaries that it’s not at all unusual for them to use terms like ‘rapey’ when searching for a way to discuss behaviour which doesn’t meet the legal definition of rape, but which is a clear breach of their boundaries. Women are used to being told they’re overreacting towards or somehow to blame for the behaviour of men towards them, and it hampers their use of clear and direct language.

OP is clearly trying to express a concern that the kind of porn her partner likes is the kind which generally exhibits women being used, treated roughly, shoved around, treated disrespectfully and physically pushed into various sex acts with multiple men. Regardless of the fact that the actors and actresses involved may have consented (but this is not guaranteed, given the links between sex trafficking and the porn industry), it says something about her partner’s attitude to sex and consent and that is what she is very reasonably concerned about. Instead of making hostile comments about a ‘disgusting term’, as though that is the real issue here, you could try offering empathy and advice to a woman coming to terms with a disturbing revelation about her partner and the way he behaves towards her.

I wouldn’t give a fuck about what porn he watches and no gangbangs aren’t ‘rapey,’ whatever the hell that means.

The issue is the way he’s treated you during sex. You don’t need to look at someone’s porn history to think that should be the final straw

The focus is the connection between the non-consensual sex acts in the bedroom and the boundary-violator's porn viewing, and I am not alone in seeing that connection.

No, what I don't like is boundary violations in the bedroom from men who are porn addicts and lie about it, that is different to not liking porn very much.

Do you still like him? What is the issue here, exactly? You’ve discovered he’s a creep.

I'd actually separate the issues - the really really bad one is that he tried to do violent stuff in bed without a conversation/boundary setting beforehand. It's maybe academically interesting if he's doing this because porn has normalized it to him, but practically speaking you haven't gained anything by going through his history - you're still going out with a guy who is willing to cross your boundaries. Also, if our sexual culture is becoming more "pornified" then the individual man might not have to watch porn to pick up on it.

Have you asked any of these men why they thought it was OK to try to choke you or pull your hair? Maybe you have to be direct instead of talking about "porn and its influences" as they might not have made the connection themselves. Personally, this is all too academic for me - he'd be out the door after one choking attempt. I would tell him why I was dumping him though, in the hope that it might make him reflect on his behaviour.

Yes I think this is a good way forward. I have always presumed that if a partner wants to try anything BDSM related that they should initiate a conversation about consent, safe words (or actions as how do you speak when you're being choked?) etc. but that is not happening any more in my recent experience. I have been watching/listening to a lot of Gale Dines and we are seemingly raising and having to date men who are losing touch with sexual boundaries, and I wonder how many people commenting on here in a judgemental way have actively dated in the last decade?!!

Yep, it's all her fault - and she snooped. Must be something seriously wrong with her. Poor bloke.

I would not date someone who watches misogynistic porn and especially not where they have allowed the porn companies shape their sexual behaviour with me.

If men are enjoying images of women being abused, of course this is reflecting and shaping their attitude to women. Its ridiculous to pretend it is not.

If a man enjoyed watching lots of footage of black men being degraded and tortured no-one would pretend he was not a racist.

So why do we pretend men can masturbate and ejaculate to women being degraded and sexually abused yet this does not reflect their attitude to women?

Too bloody right.

I am not at all impressed by the women (maybe) on this thread who appear to think the worst thing in this situation is not the man straight out lying to a woman about who he is so he can get through her entirely legitimate sexual boundaries and get her knickers off and then assaulting her, but that she had the audacity to violate his privacy and prove he lied.

This kind of behaviour is unfortunately very common due to heavy porn use. Like I said, the only way to combat it is to be clear on your boundaries before sleeping with them.

If they violate your boundaries, then that's a very good reason to immediately end the relationship. Don't second guess yourself.

If you have a red flag about someone's behaviour in the bedroom, invading their privacy makes no difference to how he made you feel in that moment. Finding porn or not finding porn, he still grabbed OPs throat in a way she wasn't happy with. The rest didn't need to happen, as her feelings are valid without snooping.

The issue is that it's the fourth bloke to behave like this, which includes the lying about his porn use (I did not check the history of the other three, one was outed by his brother who was staying with him (!), the other two admitted it during the conversations that ended the brief relationships, e.g. "Yeah, okay I watch a lot of porn, what of it" type defensive stuff, after having lied about it before. I seem to have written the wrong post, it perhaps should have said, "Are shit boundary violating shaggers watching too much porn?" My hunch is YES.