I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

[Buttonsmum67]

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

Yep, I agree. If your dad always thought you were his then you would have had his surname from birth, regardless of if they were married or not (I know it probably wouldn't be a given these days). I think he knew, finally agreed to bring you up and your mum doesn't want to open old wounds/upset your dad and go through the "shame" of it becoming public.

No, they don't. What causes issues are cheating narcissistic people who lied in the first place

If it were me I'd

Completely write off any relationship with my mother at this point. She's abusive and unhinged
Meet with my dad to figure out if his story seems true
Write to the family with your side of the story but prepare myself for nothing improving

So sorry this has happened

I think you need to tell your dad and go from there. I am normally about not creating more angst but you keeping this secret is not fair or good for you. You need to purge out this shit. Maybe your biological father might be super delighted he’s found you and you could create a family relationship with him. I suspect your mum did know you weren’t her husbands hence the strained relationship all these years.

Maybe send a copy of the DNA test and your biological father's letter in with all the family Christmas cards this year? The father you grew up with doesn't deserve your respect after the way he has behaved.

Ok but without these tests people would just carry on with their lives without stirring up huge drama and family fallouts. I would never do an ancestry test "for fun"

OP - Based on what you have written, I don't think you are a product of rape. I believe your biological father. I don't believe your mother. To me, your mother's reaction confirms that she is lying, and also confirms that your father does not know that he is not your biological father. Your mother is desperate to stop him finding out, hence the hate campaign (which would be completely unnecessary if your father already knew).

It's quite handy in life to know who your parents are....

Yeah, he has really disappointed me. He never stuck up for any of us growing up and I always took the view of he has to live with her full time so he's just having an easy life- which is fine, I understand, but the way he's just taken her side my therapist is saying he's an enabler. It's just alot.

Personally I think your advice is only further feeding into the highly dysfunctional and toxic narrative that surrounds this scenario and the OP’s family. That way lies madness.

OP - you owe this woman nothing. She is not a mother and not your friend. Don’t dish out treatment and respect she is both incapable of and utterly disinterested in emulating. Don’t hold her to ransom on this basis in terms of keeping her - not your- guilty secret.

whatever you do decide to do you make yourself and your children the priority in this. As for everyone else, well their reaction to this information should you share it OR their ongoing enablement of your your mother’s manipulation and sustained character assassination of you if you don’t will tell you everything about them you need to know and a basis for your decisions going forward with these individual relationships.

OP, you can do it at least 3 ways over here depending on what you want the outcome to be.

Firstly, as 1 poster suggested, you could use it to get your mother in line. It would still be tough on you mentally as narcissists rarely get back in line

Secondly, if you value the truth and want people to see it, then you can make it public. Can you deal with the onslaught ? Are you prepared to loose people in your life ?

Thirdly, you can meet this man to talk and see whether you can have a relationship if that's what you and him want. Take a step back from your family quietly...

I didn’t think DNA ancestry tests gave names???

It does if you give permission to be contacted with matches x

If your Mum were telling the truth about your bio Dad raping her, there is no way whatsoever that he would be so interested and wanting to Get to know you.

Aside from being the kind of man who would rape in the first place, he would be the one denying it all and shouting at you that you're a liar/the test results are wrong/anything not to accept the truth.

He would be very mindful that his past crime could now catch up with him and he could very easily face serious consequences for it now. By contrast, the way that he is reacting is very much what you would expect had you been the result of a consensual affair.

Ask your Mum whether she reported the rape at the time. And if she never felt able to then, urge her to do so now, so that the man can be finally brought to justice for such a horrendous crime. Why wouldn't she want this if she was the victim of a horrific attack? Offer to support her in gaining justice.

Her reaction, either way, would remove any potential doubt in an instant. Not that there is any, imho.

Is there something wrong with you? Where’s your empathy with the op?

things were not different then. She wasn’t conceived in 1940s.

her mother is a piece of work and deserves no respect

100% agree with this post.

Her reaction is speaks volumes.

I have never done one but did wonder that too

They only cause issues when people are untruthful. They are very useful if an individual wants to do their family tree and has hit a stumbling block. They are also useful as the DNA gives an idea of where your ancestors came from. Mine proved where mine are from, nothing drastic or upsetting. Just interesting.
And they show matches to others who are doing their family tree. So if I'm doing that and a cousin is too then we will match and the match will show the relationship.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be incredibly difficult. I would definitely out them with the DNA results so at least your family can see your side and not just the lies they hear. Then I would move on with my life, I don't think your mother and her enabler can possibly add any value to your life in the future after this. The other family I would be open to seeing because they have been decieved, but I would be completely done with those two. Maybe worth meeting your bio father, you could have some really lovely family you don't know. xx

I think you have been trained (without words, but by example) to never expose your mother, regardless of what she does. You could work on that if you wanted to.

Data collection. It was lucky that op's biological father had also done the tests so the company could actually identify who's the DNA belonged to.

I would try to get more info from your mother to compare to your biological father.
If she is lying she will end up saying something that either contradicts herself or doesn't match you to what the bio father is saying.

This is another major thing, but I also know statistics of women reporting it so I didn't want to sound horrible. My mother is a high flying career woman within the police. My godfather is very high up in the police. If she had reported it it wouldn't have been a thing- he would have been arrested and dealt with very promptly.

Yes maybe, however by the sounds of things OP is having to deal with a narcissist and has a chance to meet her real dad, who hopefully could bring a lot of positive to her and her children.

I am a firm believer of truth even if it hurts and I live my life by a mantra if you lie, prepare for it to catch up with you one day.

I sure as hell wouldn't sit quiet with that bombshell because ultimately I wouldn't be the one that caused all of this.

The Genie, once out of the bottle, is out there and can't be put back. So think it through very carefully before acting.

@wheretoyougonow 's advice seems like a sensible way of starting to go about it. With RL support from a therapist, (perhaps one experienced with people who are adopted and tracking their real parents - maybe there are organisations that help people who've been adopted deal with some of these issues, which might be similar to yours. eg whether and how to meet a bio parent. Maybe someone on this thread can help. In any
A therapist might be able to help you with some of these issues in any case.

1. the lies your mother is spreading about you and her previous abusive behaviour
2. potential of meeting your bio father -
3. what the consequences could be of telling all or whether selective disclosure might work better for you. Its a case of what outcome you most hope for, whether that's realistic or how to disclose info. Someone who deals with adoption related issues might have more advice on this in particular, I imagine they often have to consider what to tell adoptive family and how to tell them, and then what to expect. You don't have much control over whether other relatives will talk if you ask them not to, so be sure its the best course of action before you do.

The thought occurred to me you say you call your dad and he won't pick up, you only get your mum.. Has she diverted calls from your number directly to hers?

The questions I'd be asking myself ( and I'm not asking you to give the answers on this thread, as this is so personal to you) would be things like.
How much interaction did you have with your dad/all of them, before this. Is it realistic to try to rebuild?

Do you have any allies amongst your family that you could talk to - even if its just about the money lies. This is somethig you could explore without going into the whole Bio Dad issue just yet. How do you know they believe you took money from your Mum...? Have they said something to you, or is this all conveyed by your Mother? ie is she lying about that as well. If she's sent money, what dates? from which account etc. Statements would prove it wouldn't they... if she says into your current account... youhave the statements to show she didn't.

How do you know you are not invited to Brother's wedding - did he tell you or did she? Would you want to go? What was your relationship previously.

Its cruel that she's treating you like this, its really unfair. But you said you have a family of your own. Focus on them and on your own life. They are your future and more important to you than her.