I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

[Buttonsmum67]

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

It is OP DNA... in law OP (and the bio father) who both consented have the full rights to this knowledge that he is her father and anything they choose to do with it not her mother. Her mother has no rights to keep a 'secret' over controlling her DD DNA.

DNA is classified as the highest protected level of your identity which is why we don't run genealogy on crime victims (due to inability of the dead to consent) etc... its also why we have some of the strictest laws about DNA collection and what can be used as evidence.

I would go see your mum, tell her you know the truth and you are going to tell the entire family and every friend she has if she doesn’t cut the ostracising and lies, you expect an invite to your brothers wedding, your aunts to get told it’s all a big blow up and your (non bio) dad around wanting to see his daughter within a week or you will go nuclear.

This would make sense if she’s lied to you about rape. If your dad knows she’d had a relationship with another man, he surely won’t be best pleased to hear that she’s lied to you.
If she’s previously claimed she’d been seriously ill when she hadn’t, she can’t be trusted to tell the truth about this.
The man who is your biological father surely wouldn’t be so calm if he had actually raped her.

It might not be wise but I wouldn't be able to stand this. I would share exactly what you know with all your immediate family, just saying "I just don’t know what to think and am very confused" (rather than implying you think your mother is the one not telling the truth). Talk about how much you love your father (i.e. mother's husband).

I feel very sorry for your father but you are not responsible for their relationship. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself.

It doesn’t sound like he knows at all, it sounds like his wife has fed him a crock of absolute shit out of fear the op will tell him?
it was so an affair, not a rape.

@Buttonsmum67 I too would discuss the DNA results with your Dad (the one who brought you up) and tell other family members that your mum is lying about the borrowed money, because she doesn't want everyone to know the DNA results?

I would also contact your bio Dad. From what you say about your Mum, I would strongly suspect she is lying about the attack/rape, as the first thing which came into her head as a 'reason', why it wasn't her fault. Otherwise, if it were true, she would not be as anxious as she clearly is, that if anyone finds out her marriage will be destroyed?

Well, I know what I would do. And I'm not saying you should. But she has a secret and has lied to everyone about you.

I'd contact them all, providing screenshots of your ancestry result of who your father is.

So, seeing as I'm being accused of borrowing money and not paying it back, and whatever else.. there was never a time any of that happened.

But I did ask to know why I grew up thinking "Dad" was my father, and not "xxxx" who is actually my biological father. I was conceived from a several month long affair. I was initially told that I was conceived by rape, however I don't think that's the truth given her subsequent actions.

Obviously, everyone has loyalty to her, but there are victims in this scenario she has created and I draw a line at having my character muddied by her lies about me.

The simple truth is she's manipulated and damaged my relationship with all of you so I can't be believed if I tell the truth.

But despite being my mother, she's a cheating, lying, manipulative person who is only out to cover her own back, so I suppose this is my warning to you all to watch your back....even I didn't think she would stoop so low until the past year.

Just what I'd do, but I'm a burn the bridge type of person

I would talk to your mum and tell her that if she keeps being nasty you are going to have to tell everyone the truth to clear your name.

Your Dad is still your Dad, just not your biological father. If you do tell him, you've found out he's not your father make sure you also say that he always was and always will be your Dad.

I think you need to take your time to decide what you actually want. Your therapist may be able to help with this. From what you have written besides the revelation about you father;

• your mum was abusive during your childhood and continues this behaviour into your adulthood.
• your father doesn't appear to have protected you from this behaviour and even now is siding with your mother without hearing what you have to say.
• your brother has no recognition of the abuse you receive.

Even if you do tell everyone, which is completely your choice, I don't think it will change anything within your family. You maybe scapegoated further and more hurt will be caused to you.

I think you need to decide whether having these people in your and your children's life will bring you happiness or hurt. I wish you some happiness and closure whatever you decide

This is rubbish. Her mum is cutting the innocent child out of the family to protect herself. When parents act like this they lose the right to be treated as a parent. It’s not the mums secret to keep, it’s the ops life. And at this point she owes her mum nothing.

Your mum had a secret. That was hers to keep tbh things were different then.

I don't agree when the secret involves the biological origin of op!

That's crazy to expect op to suck it up.

Finding out your dad isn't your bio dad isn't something you can just move on from.

Op you deserve the truth. The fact that your mother has behaved so badly telling lies to the family would indicate her story to you wasn't true either.

Your dad may know you are not his biological child and is worried it will change your relationship with him which is why he seems to be siding with your mother and shutting you down so the truth doesn't come out.

I think it's reasonable to try to talk to him on his own and tell him what you've discovered.

Your dad deserves the truth, and you don't deserve having to hide behind your mums lies for the sake of her inner peace when it sounds as though she's done nothing to preserve yours. In my opinion.

Yes, I'd do this too. You'll soon get a feel for which one of them is telling the truth. Although if it's him, your mother will just change her story to 'yes I admit I had a very brief fling with him before I was married to your dad but then he attacked me.' And you won't be able to disprove her story about thinking she'd dealt with that by the MAP and thinking you were your dad's. It doesn't ring true at all, but you'll never prove it and she's stick to the 'I was raped' line with your dad.

In the end, it doesn't matter. What matters is that she has lied to your dad all these years, lied to you and been abusive and not a good mother in general. It's completely up to you what you do with this information but be aware that your dad is likely to end up angrier with you than he is with her. She's obviously very manipulative and he's probably been enabling her all these years. I imagine he just wants a quiet life where everyone pretends everything is fine. If you want to drop this bomb, be mindful that the consequences might not be good for you, if a relationship with your dad and your siblings is important to you.

If you are prepared to be hated by all of them just to be able to look her in the eye and tell her you see her for the liar she is, then do it.

Potentially he's been told the story about the assault, not the affair.

Time to publish the results of the DNA test on the family WhatsApp Group with a comment about the lengths some people will go to to keep their dirty secrets - even continuing to make up lies about their adult daughter. The man from the pub is happy to tell the truth about their affair if anyone is interested…

The two stories aren't mutually exclusive. It sounds like there was most likely an affair but that doesn't necessarily mean he didn't assault your mother. He might not even see it that way.

That said, the fact that your mother has started this campaign against you, setting the basis for you to be a liar and untrustworthy, makes me think that she is lying about the attack and that your biological father's story is the correct version. I'm not sure how you'd ever know for sure though.

I'd absolutely tell the family.
I'd tell your dad face to face , if it's a whats app she will delete it.
How dare she make up lies about you.

OP I am so sorry, this is terrible.

I would reach out to other family members and tell them what you know, tell them what you have put here and that you are hurting and need support.

But OP has already been excluded from the family eg not being invited to brother’s wedding. Not much point in turning the other cheek the damage has been done.

This.
And @Buttonsmum67 do NOT discuss with your mum first that you are telling everyone (if you decide to, which I personally would most definitely do). She’s manipulating everyone around her and she will do or say anything to try and counter the truth even further.

You need to get a message to your mum that she starts talking the truth to you or you are going to blow her secret out to everyone in the family.

play her at her own manipulative game.

your dad deserves the truth as do you.

She’s lying. You are not the product of rape. You are the result of an affair that she wants to keep secret, to protect herself.

I would not let her dictate your actions now. I think you do need to go public with the rest of your family to explain why she is cutting you off because, as you say, you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Not necessarily.
My husband was originally registered with his mum's surname. His parents then married and he was re-registered with his dad's surname. It is not uncommon for this to be done. Her dad (not the bio one) could be utterly oblivious.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation.

Is there a reason why you did this instead of going to see her in person and introducing the subject carefully in a conversation? I’m not surprised she had a knee-jerk response, and now it has all escalated.

It's pretty clear your mum is lying. What you do with this information is up to you, not her. If you're still in therapy that might be the best place to talk this through and consider the options available to you.

I have a horrible feeling that, given the control your mother seems to exert on the family, it's a case if damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Look after yourself- none of this is your fault.