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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

632 replies

Buttonsmum67 · 09/12/2024 10:29

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Robinredd · 10/12/2024 18:34

Maddy70 · 09/12/2024 11:07

Yes unless you want to lose all your family. Your poor dad

Show quote history

Are you serious?

Poor dad? Poor OP!

Snkt · 10/12/2024 18:57

Wow what a thing to discover in your 30s. Your mum definitely sounds like she’s lying as she clearly doesn’t want your dad to find out she had an affair.
I would have let it go had she not started this childless drama.
If I were you I would speak to your dad. I would say you want to fix things and miss him but you really need to chat and go somewhere without her. I would then start at the beginning of the story - so not by accusing her of things as he’s clearly being defensive of her - so just say how you did an ancestry DNA test and you want him to see it and show him the results, say how you did it again and you got the same results. And just wait for what he says. Then I’d start with the message the man who’s allegedly your real dad sent you and work from there. So don’t make it about your mum and her lying and her affair straight away. Let him get to that conclusion.

Slooodie359 · 10/12/2024 19:17

Maybe a big social media chat to everyone:

Dear family-
I would like to share some interesting news! My kids and I recently did an Ancestry.com genealogy test.
The results show that Mr X, is actually my biological dad! Can you believe it, I know I know! We were shocked too. We are planning to meet, to get to know him.
This won’t change anything for me, mom & dad are my beloved parents - it’s just for me, and my kids, our family has just got bigger! What a Christmas surprise.

Merry Christmas,
OP

JudgeJ · 10/12/2024 19:26

WearyAuldWumman · 10/12/2024 09:19

Most people expect to match up with distant cousins and don't consider the possibility of different parentage.

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True! I wonder how many others would find this kind of family anomaly, dating back to the days when couples 'had to' get married if she was pregnant? I recall in about 1970 a cousin's daughter, 17, having to get married because she was pregnant, the boy's mother asked him if was sure he was the father and all hell broke loose, how dare she suggest that! I then incurred wrath by saying it was quite a reasonable question!
I think I read somewhere where the predicted percentage was surprisingly high, in the 30s, not sure how they worked that out.

AliceMcK · 10/12/2024 19:28

pinkgirl2018 · 10/12/2024 09:20

I am only expressing my view. I assume you posted here because you wanted people’s views. I am just concerned that you are only seeing your side of things. Everyone plays a role in a relationship - it always takes 2 people to have a relationship. I am also concerned that you are a little too focussed on yourself and I wonder if there is a dynamic in your family which reflects that. I have no doubt that your mum has some mental health issues (I doubt the use of the narcissist tag). I do seem to turn everything back to you though and I wonder why that is. I think you’d benefit specifically from Transactional Analysis as a form of therapy. It helps a lot with relationships and family dynamics. The fact that your family is so quick to turn their back on you makes me think that you have had a recurring problem with relationships with them.

But do you remember - You aren’t the only one who has had a big shock with this. Can you imagine yourself into this situation yourself with your own children? Try to be understanding of what she’s going through too. You don’t need to keep her secret but avoiding her isn’t helping. You need to work through the issues you have together and discussing what you’re going to do.

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O you so have to be OPs mother, no one can honestly be turning this on the op unless they are a classic narcissist parent who blames their child for everything rather than look at the fact they are an abuser who has never taken responsibility for their own actions! God I really hope you don’t have children!

And YES the OP is the only one in her family that has had a shock as she’s kept her lying deceitful mother’s secret for a year! Any shock the mother has felt is her own doing and NOONE owes her anything!

CatMummyOf3 · 10/12/2024 19:30

prh47bridge · 10/12/2024 18:27

I am correct and it hasn't changed for years. However, it is widely ignored. The fine for failing to re-register is just £2!

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I stand corrected (after Googling)! I'm surprised the registrar was unaware; it was definately presented as an option, not a requirement. We're well past the 3 month deadline, but I do have the forms still.
Thank you :)

wizzler · 10/12/2024 19:32

Not sure if someone has mentioned up thread, but BBC4 series The Gift has some really interesting and sometimes shocking examples of the implications of the DNA tests that are now so easily available

Uricon2 · 10/12/2024 19:37

I do wonder how many of the posters on this thread who are so quick to defend the OP's mother and think that she should be trying harder in her relationships have actually been in her situation.

Sum total of none, I'm guessing.

Sunny2907 · 10/12/2024 20:56

Buttonsmum67 · 09/12/2024 10:29

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

I would speak to your biological father. With regards to your mother, you've got nothing to lose. With regards to your father that brought you up, I feel for him being lied to but that's your mother's doing. Don't let the family believe the lies that's being said about you. I wish you well xx

CrayonCritic5 · 10/12/2024 21:35

FoxtonFoxton · 09/12/2024 10:37

I'm not a vengeful person at all, but I wouldn't stand by and be blamed and lied about. I'd tell all, factually and calmly, with evidence, and then let them decide what to do. Personally, I wouldn't want to try and repair my relationship with my mother and would move on with my life.

Yes you need to explain it factually and calmly but even then if you don’t use neutral language you will be cast as the bully. I used an Estrangement Coach to proof read a letter I’d prepared for a family member and was successful in getting a response. Unfortunately other people do project their own insecurities onto others who have done no wrong and in a parent-child relationship there is the added view from the parent of “well i put clothes on your back” type of thing. Get your story on paper and then if I was you I’d share it with everyone.

CrayonCritic5 · 10/12/2024 21:44

pinkgirl2018 · 10/12/2024 03:49

From what you have described, your behaviour has been very insensitive and haven’t handled it well at all. That is a huge secret that has been buried for a long time and of course it’s going to cause concern to your mum. It would to anyone. I do sense from you that there is some emotional work that you’re needing to do and I’m glad you’re doing that in therapy. It feels to me that you need a bit of maturity in handling this difficult situation. It sounds like you’ve been a bull in a china shop here.

A riny proportion of people of are actually narcissists. It’s an extremely overused term. Anyone who has a dispute with someone else is now calling them a narcissist. It’s not accurate.

You obviously need to speak to your mother about how she wants to handle it. I appreciate this is a shock for you (I’ve actually been through something very similar) but you do need to be mature and considerate about this. This situation might not be all her making. I get the vibe from you that you’re someone who thinks everyone else is wrong and you’re right. I’m afraid that’s unlikely to be the case. Good luck.

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No no no no no! You have been SO rude to the OP here. Her mother has behaved extremely poorly and she is dealing with it the best she can. I don’t think she comes across thinking she’s always right at all. In fact I think that you do.

ThanksPhil · 10/12/2024 23:04

Maddy70 · 09/12/2024 10:58

I would suck it up. Ancestry things are so destructive. Your mum had a secret. That was hers to keep tbh things were different then.

You are blowing up the whole family by announcing this. For what? Why upset your dad?

If you tell everyone so you think they will all come running to you? What outcome will you have?

It's attitudes like THIS that destroy families. Terrible advice.

Fraaahnces · 11/12/2024 02:03

Holy Shit, what did I just read? This is why my aunt’s weight gain explained away as a “thyroid condition” in the 50’s. I’ve never heard of a thyroid condition that only lasts nine months. Nobody ever asked about the baby that she gave birth to aged fourteen in a cupboard in the middle of the night and smothered in fear and ended up walking out to the nearby beach to be taken out to sea. Nobody confronted the family priest when she had been complaining of his unwanted attentions, because he was “Such a good man”, and she was accused of all kinds of behavioural problems. She was supposed to be grateful for the “exorcisms” that resulted in this poor, dead baby girl’s conception. Of course this destroyed her. She became an alcoholic and died young….Totally fucked up the five kids she had later, too. But no, you keep secrets to save face or families are destroyed.

PiperLeo · 11/12/2024 13:30

What is with every having a go at OP about her son's career path? What does that actually have to do with why she posted in the first place? Some people just need to think before they start typing as these are absolutely pointless comments.

OP, I feel for you. It is a huge shock that you have just been given and it would turn anyone's world upside down.

I don't see why you should need to suffer in silence. You need support from family and friends with such things as these.

I'd definitely try telling someone "on the inside' and they can decide wether to share it amongst themselves. I'm picturing it like a fortress and your mum is the evil queen with eyes and ears at every exit. Sounds silly but I've dealt with these kinds of people before. So it's how my mind sees them.

Perhaps they may take the time to hear you out and perhaps see your mum for what she is.

It's frustrating me that you are being punished for a mistake your mum made a long time ago. Wether it was the mistake of an affair or the mistake of not going to the police.

Most of us on here are behind you. Ignore the keyboard warriors.

Pessismistic · 11/12/2024 18:04

If she's being this horrible why not meet the guy for a coffee sound him out if your mum is lying he might give you information that can disprove it. He might be a nice guy the rest of your family not so much. Why not see for yourself then make decisions good luck sorry your going through this. What a nightmare.

SoMuchBadAdvice · 11/12/2024 18:09

WhoIsBetty · 10/12/2024 16:26

It’s not a diagnosable condition but when you are in the whirlpool created by people displaying these patterns of behaviour it is enormously helpful so that you can step out of it. I don’t agree with categorising humans generally but I think this can actually be a situation where the short hand is helpful for the people who are having to live alongside it. It helps us to not be manipulated, to see when we are being unfairly turned into the perpetrator when we call them out and hells to not buy into the gaslighting.

A year ago, I’d have fully agreed with you. Now I’m so grateful to have seen the patterns and have some clarity rather than constantly questing myself, placating, appeasing and being at the mercy of rage.

Normal boundary setting and relational ways of interacting just don’t help in these situations.

Show quote history

I can sign up to that.

Lord Kelvin (one of history's finest physicists) said that you cannot talk about something unless you can measure it. That applies to Narcism but I agree that the concept is helpful when trying to survive the fall out.

laraitopbanana · 11/12/2024 18:27

Hi op,

make peace and let it go.

first. You will not get what you want : the affection of your mother in a healthy way.

second: your dad said his peace

third: your life will be happier without them.

Maybe, they will realise and you will get to choose…but it is best to not expect anything of that sort.

Good luck 🌺

Flavourful · 11/12/2024 18:29

Personally I’d tell your siblings what’s happened. They are all aware of how she can be so find it odd that they’ve all sided with her with no contact from you.
id just put it as you’ve made your decision to stand by mum but I think you need you need the truth and not what she’s told you.
id then go into what happened, you’d done the dna you queried it, you did it again and queried again for her to turn up on the doorstep and tell you what she did.
then follow up with his side. As far as you are aware you now have 2 sides to your life and the whole family against you. Leave it there at the point of just wanting the truth.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 11/12/2024 18:30

I would meet the man and go from there.

JournalistEmily · 11/12/2024 18:32

Oh op I feel greatly for you here, what a horrible shock. But my god what a piece of work your mother is. Sorry but it’s true. I don’t for a second believe she was attacked and if that is a potential lie it’s not just you she’s fucking around with but your biological father too; he could end up being arrested. You are going to have to use all your strength to stop this nonsense immediately. You need to tell your mum’s husband and the rest of your family whay has happened; this is not your secret to keep and it should be out in the open. You should also be able to pursue a rship with your bio dad if you like and this shouldn’t have to be a dirty secret. Let’s hope his family are nicer than yours sound!!! (You excluded, of course!)

pollymere · 11/12/2024 19:26

The phrase "Morning After Pill" interests me. There WAS a treatment for emergency contraception in 1984 but that phrase tends to refer to things that weren't licensed until 2000.

I think you've caught your Mum out in a huge deception. She may have thought you a miracle two months later... I suspect if you'd been born two months premature it would have noted how full term you looked!

I suspect this part may be true - that she used emergency contraception two months prior then got pregnant with you.

However your bio-Dad suggested that he was having an affair with your Mum right up until her engagement... so it's possible that your Dad knew about the pregnancy and assumed he was the father so proposed to your Mum!

Ouch.

I would make contact with your bio-Dad and make judgements for yourself. Your family have already judged you as making trouble and you might find a new family you connect with!

Laura95167 · 11/12/2024 19:27

I'd tell your dad the truth. He's loyal to a woman disloyal to him. Why are you her secret keeper, he hasn't earned your protection.

WhoIsBetty · 11/12/2024 19:51

I’ve been thinking of you OP and finding myself feeling angry on your behalf. Hope you are doing ok. 💐

Theoldwrinkley · 11/12/2024 20:19

There is a prog on R4 at moment (I think this morning, o.30am) called something like 'the gift'. So often these things are given (as a gift) in that it is 'for the person who has everything's but so often it stirs up a hornet's nest. Not a thing to be taken lightly.
You can't 'unknow' things, so now you know you know. Given with how you describe your Mother I would suggest the rape is a bit of a concocted story which she wants to be true so as not to come to terms with her behaviour a long time ago. How you go on from here? I really have no suggestions. Someone is massively hurt whichever way you go. I think I'd probably let the truth (the pre marital affair) be known as you have to live with you. Difficult decision.

Codlingmoths · 11/12/2024 20:26

HollyKnight · 10/12/2024 13:49

Do you mean he wants to be a psychologist? As in he's planning on studying psychology at university rather than medicine.

What? Why would she mean that? Why can’t this kid be planning on being a psychiatrist?? I dont understand the issues people have with this- of course teens have career ambitions! I was going to be a quantum physicist at that age.