I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

[Buttonsmum67]

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

Yes. If I try and start any conversation where she is in the wrong or feels backed into a corner she starts screeching and crying and saying she wishes she wasn't alive etc. It is extremely triggering for me so I prefer to text :)

Hi OP,

Enough is enough... you need to let the family know what you have uncovered.

I understand upsetting your non-bio dad if this was something else entirely, but he is not the wronged party , as a father he's choosing to alienate you, he has agency over how he responds etc.

Your mum is plainly cruel, zero maternal instincts re your welfare.

Ultimately you may go NC after this, but at least you'll have shared your side and whether they decide to acknowledge how this has affected you or not, is a cross they'll have to bear.

For the sake of your children and immediate family, you have to put your feelings first.

The OP is the victim of her mother's failure to tell the truth and to now perpetuate a lie. It's not the OP's responsibility, this is all on her mother.

I think you must make contact with your biological father and find out what really happened: rape or consensual affair. I know it will be his word against your mother's, but I think if you meet f-2-f you will be able to guage if he is telling the truth. For example, he may be able to give details about where your mother was living, who her friends were, etc., which would lend support to the consensual affair story.
Then you can speak to your (non-biological) father better armed. But either way, I would want the truth out in the open as it seems to be affecting relationships with your siblings. At the end of the day, you have hard evidence that the father you grew up with is not your biological father, which is absolutely no way your fault, and no reasonable person could hold that against you.

THIS .

Sympathies to you OP

This sounds horrible

He has given me quite a bit, told me what job they met at. Told me where they used to meet for drinks etc whilst my dad was working. He mentioned some of the people they used to work with, one of whom is my godfather so it doesn't sound like a random attack, but then again obviously attacks can also happen within consensual relationships.

But that was not a situation where you’d have been suggesting she was wrong. Surely the starting point would have been to say that you’d understand whatever the reason was, but that it was important for you to understand more about your origins?

Ps Also sounds like your mum has a personality disorder. Explains the inability to have a conversation without the histrionics

I understand you're coming from a place of being a rational person, but trust me it wouldn't matter how I came at it in person she would create a drama. My sister once calmly told her at xmas she had had a bit too much to drink and my mother started screaming to the rest of the house that my sister was slapping her (she wasn't) to take the conversation away from her behaviour.

The man's story sounds much more believable. I'd go with that. As you say she's lied about serous illness, why wouldn't she lie about two. It gets her off the hook nicely.

She did turn up to my house in hysterical tears and once I told her I wouldn't say anything the tears dried up quick snap and she was happy she had what she wanted. Didn't even ask if I was ok- was just wailing about herself

I agree with a pp, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. You are never going to win this one with your dm.

I think you should get some therapy yourself to talk through it. Am I understanding it properly that you’ve had no proper contact with your family for a year because of this? It’s worth one final conversation with your dm if that doesn’t work prepare to sever contact yourself and look after you. This secret won’t help anyone if blown out. You however need to keep your own peace and dignity.

Whatever happened, it's clear your father is not wise to the truth.

If I were you on this, I would just take the upper hand and control this situation for my own ends, because as sure as anything your mother for whatever reason doesn't want the actual truth to come out, for whatever reasons.

I would demand a meeting with your mother (on threat of telling all re the DNA test) and say to your mother that you have NOT contacted your real DNA father, and that you consider her husband as your father as he brought you up. However if she carries on this ridiculous campaign against you, you will have NO hesitation whatsoever in supplying the DNA proof to the whole family and spilling the beans. And that from now on she has to make it up to you, tell your father the money you borrowed or whatever lies she gave, was a mistake on her part, and that she has apologised to you. You need her to tell the entire family you have made up, and you would also would like to be invited to brother's wedding as it isn't HIS fault, let alone yours
You also need to say that if there is any further behaviour like this you will have no hesitation in throwing the cat among the pigeons, and that you now want the truth and the whole truth so she needs to think carefully and to tell you.

You can then decide what you want to do.

Personally if you value your relationship with your father/rest of the family, I would suggest to not tell them if you don't want to rock the boat but the good thing is you can now control your mother and her narcissism. I would be inclined to meet your actual father for his side of the story but whether you pursue any relationship with DNA man is up to you.

Can you go via the godfather? Get him to tell your Dad and show him the empirical evidence? The DNA test as well as the email with the explanation?

Your mum is an abuser and your (step!)dad enables her. You don't owe either of them anything. Throw that grenade then walk away from the lot of them.

I would tell my siblings so that they can check that they are the biological children of your DF ( non biological). Your DM may have had other affairs.
We all talk about the 1980s like the dark ages but from my experience promiscuity was rife and marriage rates were at an all time low. The AIDS epidemic in the late 80s and the huge drive to use condoms for safe sex rather than contraception has seen a gradual decline in birth rates. If you thought the mass fear during Covid was an overreaction, the initial years of AIDS was ridiculous when you look at the relative risk.

Yeah it isn't like her children deserve the truth (especially so they don't shag their first cousins). Or they deserve to know who blood family is. Or genetic preposition to any conditions etc etc.

What's the point of doing these ancestry things? They appear to cause so much trouble in families

Absolutely. It is time, in American parlance, for a "come to Jesus" moment.

Your mother is evil. It's not you ruining your dad's life, it's HER! Send a copy of the email and DNA test to family with his surname/email address blocked out then send it to family - I would also tell your brother to get a DNA test too. Don't put up with all this abuse to keep her dirty secret ... she is the villain in this not you. Before you do that ....

Does your dad work? If so I would turn up 10 mins before he's due to finish and wait by his car then tell him the truth and show him the evidence.

I did it with my kids as a fun thing to see their heritage percentage. I didn't expect it to come back with my whole life being a lie lol

Honestly I think she turned up at the door to your house out of fear that the secret would come out and now is going to length to remove / distance you from the family to protect herself further. Are you interested in pursuing a relationship with your biological dad? Could you ask your god father about him without it getting back to your mom ?

No, it does not.

OP's mother was unmarried when OP was born. Unless OP's father accompanied her when the birth was registered or he completed a statutory declaration of parentage, he could not be on the birth certificate. When they married, they were required by law to re-register the birth (although many people don't know this and therefore don't do it). There is nothing here to suggest that OP's father knew he was not the biological father.

Seperate it all-out in your mind. Your mum, dad and siblings are one problem, the other is your bio dad. Do you want a relationship?

I'd probably look to catch your dad in a quiet moment, perhaps 9n his waynhome from work, tell his what's happened without your mum there and tell him what you want. Something like...this is what's happened, its a lot to take in, i accoet that isnt the version of the truth that mum will give you so call me once youve had tome to digest the news and if you want a relationship because my door is always open.

It did however come back as my kids being 90% Irish which explains both their red hair and freckles when I thought we were entirely English 😂