I AM FUMING!!!!!! SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

[Buttonsmum67]

I will preface this by saying my mother is queen Narcissist.

Last year I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present. My youngest's came back with a random name as his maternal grandfather- then my eldest's came back with the same thing. Then mine with this random man as my father.

I with the help of friends managed to send my mother a message asking for an explanation. She said it must be wrong etc and told me to stop being ridiculous. At this point I did another one and it came back with the same match as before with this random man.

I messaged again and said I wanted answers now. She turned up at my house at 5am in floods of tears saying she had been attacked by a man and she had thought she had got rid of me with the morning after pill and then two months later found out she was pregnant again and had thought it was a miracle to come from something so horrible (she thought I was my dad's, as in my dad who bought me up). She asked me to promise that I would never say anything to anyone as it would ruin her marriage.

When we matched with this other gentlemen he messaged me immediately asking wtf was going on. I told him my mothers name trying to gauge any panic from him and he wrote back a long message saying basically omg we had a couple of months long affair when I was working with her- he mentioned my dads name and that they used to meet while my dad was working nights etc and she called it all off when my dad asked her to marry him. He has asked to meet but I have put that on the back burner for now as I don't know which story is true. And before anyone judges me about saying I don't think my mother would lie about being attacked, she has lied about having serious illness before to get out of arguments she created.

She then began what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me- making up stories to my siblings and dad about how she had had to borrow me money etc and I wasn't paying it back- none of which were true.

Since last year we now never speak. I have messaged and called my dad and even turned up at their house to speak to him and he has said his loyalties lie with my mother and I have greatly upset her with my behaviour. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! Every time I call his phone she picks up and says you won't be saying anything will you.

When I say she was abusive growing up I am in therapy as still in my 30s I struggle to stand up to her.

This morning my aunts messaged me saying about my brothers weddings (He is her golden child and doesn't make any effort to contact me or my sister back). I haven't been invited. I am seething.

I feel like drinking a bottle of wine and writing to every member of my family what has happened to stop this bull, but I also don't want to ruin my dads life. He is so under the thumb with her I don't think he'd kick off anyway.

But here I am sitting a year later left on my own thinking I'm a product of rape and now being completely cut out of the family. My mother says she was attacked, my biological dad said they were having a fully consensual affair, I haven't told him what my mum said.

But I feel like I am keeping a massive secret for the benefit of everyone else and now I am the one being ostracised. I am so upset I am being cut out.

@Buttonsmum67 your mums in the police force ?

Given that your mother has lied non-stop about almost everything and had no trouble making up stories about you, I'd be very strongly inclined to the view that she was having an affair with your biological father. She probably found out she was pregnant and your "dad" was the one who proposed so she went along with it. I am not sure that it is worth having a relationship with your mother given her behaviour. Does she really add anything to your life except unpleasant drama while she screeches like a banshee? The rest of the family must know what she's like so it's extraordinary that anybody believes these stories about money you owe her etc. I guess they really are her "flying monkeys" and are likely to stay just that.

Your biological father, though obviously no more above cheating than your mum, might be a better bet.

Why has your brother not invited you to his wedding? Are you not close?

I would start by telling him what you’ve found out.

I think I would be inclined to speak with bio dad about the accusation. He may well be able to provide some form of proof even if only by means of introducing you to people who knew of the affair at the time it was going on. I think the majority of people cheating do confide in one or two people so it's possible someone remembers the affair who was around at the time.

I would also speak with the father who raised you. This isn't you blowing up the family, it's her. She chose to keep your real identity a secret with little to no regard as to how it could/would impact you, your bio father, the man who raised you or anyone else involved so this is on her.

I know that this was a very common occurrence back in the day and people felt more comfortable doing this because they couldn't have foreseen circumstances where we'd all be doing DNA tests for 'fun'.

Paternity fraud should be a crime imo.

Yes I presume they can establish a match between people on their customer base and, with their express consent, put them in touch - again, this would be an extraordinary thing for an actual rapist to consent to.

For all we know, he might have had strong suspicions and deliberately signed up and given his own DNA, in the hope that his child may get in touch when/if he/she was ready and wanted to meet him.

It's possible that the non biological dad knew about it and acquiesced to it all. Thereby being part of the secret, and misguided pact to present the unified family.

This is no where as dramatic : my ex FIL is my ex Hs step dad, not biological. Their family told our children that he was their biological grandad, which I was not happy with, for several reasons, primarily it's simply not true. I told my sons the truth, in front of their father. It is extremely high handed to presume to lie on behalf of the family and expect everyone else to fall in line. Once the truth is revealed, the truth sayer is a threat to the nuclear family unit.

Poorly adaptive people respond by blackening the name of the truth sayer.

OP: I would reveal your truth to your siblings at first. I would meet with them and tell them what you have learned and confirm you do not wish to loose your half siblings and wider family as a result of this.

Ideally you want to cherish a new family member and not lose your existing family.

Maybe find a way to communicate it all, whilst also finding space to try to forgive your mother for her terrible coping strategies.

It doesn't have to destroy the family. Your mother needs to take ownership of her poor mental health and coping strategies.

You must be joking.

Very much this. Regardless of whether your bio Dad committed a crime or whether he and your Mum were having a consensual affair, YOU are 100% not to blame in any way, and you are not at fault for seeking and exposing the truth of their deliberate actions.

It's YOUR life here; how dare she try to brush you away as inconvenient evidence of her shameful actions and sacrifice you to save her own skin?

OP, you aren't being unreasonable to be angry and want to clear your name, but that's rarely how this plays out.
Its very likely that your Dad suspects something is up, but he'll probably fight to keep his marriage. He's lived with a narc for years, he knows who she is.

By all means contact people and tell them the truth, but try not to be disappointed if you continue to be ostracised. Some families seem to need a golden child and a scapegoat.
Look on the Relationships board for the Stately Homes threads.

Ugh sympathies OP. I have a similar story to tell and still no answers. Over the years though my mum has managed to slow alienate the entire family who crawled back when she moved on to treat them terribly and they 'saw the light' (their words). It's hard to forgive tbh but I have some relationships I really value so have moved on for those people. Others not so much.

As a legal wonk, I wonder if the biological father is aware of the very serious allegation that has been made against him ? Especially if it has been repeated amongst many people.

Who knows, that might be something that could bring a little pressure to bear on the OPs DM to see a little bit of sense ?

Esp for those who have had their family lie to them all their lives about who their parents are/were. Last year I helped an 80YO woman solve the mystery of who her bio parents were. While the truth was not pleasant, it explained the way various older family members behaved towards her all her life. She has been anxious and unsettled all her life and didn't know why her oldest sister was cruel to her. Now at last she has peace of mind, and she understands why various people behaved as they did.

I know that you can do this in Scotland, so long as you have proof of the parents' subsequent marriage.

I did a bit of genealogy for my husband's side of the family. A family member was at the front in WW1, while his child was born. (The family member had been wounded and was sent back to Scotland to recover from his wounds. In the hospital, he met the woman he married.)

Of course, the wife had to register the birth by herself. A month later, she went back to the registrar's with her marriage certificate and a note was added to the birth entry for an older child, legitimising her.

I have no idea whether the relative knew about this, but there is absolutely no way the child could have been his, given that he was one of the first to volunteer for WW1 and had been overseas until he was wounded.

While the relative was still overseas, his wife took his child to his mother's house and abandoned her there.

After the war the wife had numerous other children. She named her husband as the father and claimed that he was working in the merchant navy as an explanation as to why he couldn't register the births. In actual fact, he was living abroad and sending money home to his mother to pay for his child's keep.

When he finally got back home he had little difficulty divorcing her, given the blatant proof of her numerous infidelities.

What have I just read? No, it wasn’t her mother’s secret to keep. It’s about the OP’s paternity.

I’d let her know that unless she stops spreading crap about you then you will defend yourself and that will be by letting the cat out if the bag re your actual parentage .

As @CreationNat1on said above. I'd start with the siblings. Tell them if they think you're lying you will happily re-do a DNA test to check if you are siblings.tell them neither you nor your kids deserve the fall-out.

I would not assume that if DNA man is a nice guy that it wasn't rape. I'd treat that as irrelevant to you right now. What IS relevant more generally was that she was in a relationship with him. If she was cheating on your dad then she's probably more worried he won't forgive her for that.

Decide as a group if your father should know.

I keep thinking about your children. Do they now know that their grandfather isn't their biological grandfather? And your DF ... the shock for him will be learning you are not his biological child, but also that two of his grandchildren are not biologically his.

I can't believe I'm reading this.

The OP has every right to know who her biological father is.

Honestly this sounds like she had an affair and you are a product of it - she either lied to the man who raised you or they've got past it and she lied to wider family to avoid further questions.

Doing this DNA testing brought all this long buried stuff up - she clearly doesn't want to come out and it not prepared to admit lies - so thrown you and ex affair partner under the bus.

I would have thought this was always going to be very messy - unexpected DNA tests often are - does sound like you already have a therapist - I'd talk though what you want going forward and how you can get there.

Even when a family member behaves outrageously and clearly in the wrong family can still pick them - even acting as flying monkeys. I'm not keen on lies or lying - who has time for it all - so I'd be tempted to e-mail DNA tests to rest of family with a wtf attitude and see where the chips fall but that may not be the best approach for you.

I am sorry this is happening to you, OP.

Given the powerful position your mother and godfather are in - police officers - you need to be very careful - they could easily string up your biological father for a serious historical offense that he's likely not to be guilty of. Best keep him out of it if you can.

I did a DNA Ancestry test with my kids for a fun present

And there is the lesson for everyone else reading this. One of the DNA companies is aggressively advertising their services on the radio at the moment as an ideal Christmas gift 😕so please, everyone, be careful what you wish for.

The problem with this is that her mum is a known liar. This will give her opportunity to come up with another convoluted lie, create backstories, etc.

I agree. You should have left well alone I instead of throwing this grenade into the middle of the family after all these years. Did you not realise the trouble it would cause awakening all these ghosts from the past. Too late now.

Are you high?

This. The OP has nothing to lose.

OP - do you know if you have siblings through your bio father?

At any rate: tear off the plaster, let the family know the truth, give them time to digest. Get therapy for yourself. Take care of yourself.

People have every right to know their heritage, especially for medical reasons.