My husband referred to me as a “bigger girl”

[Biggergirl16]

To preface the thread, when me and my husband met I was a size 10 (this was 17 years ago). Sedimentary job, children etc and I’m now a size 14-16.

Another friend had a baby this weekend, every person we know who has had a baby in the last 5 years has had c-sections for a variety of reasons other than me. In general conversation, I happened to mention to my husband that there seems to be a lot of csections, particularly amongst friends who would probably describe themselves as super fit/gym goers etc and that I found it odd that I was the only one who hasn’t had one. His response was “bigger girls like you…..” my face immediately dropped and he didn’t even bother to finish the sentence. He immediately started back tracking saying he didn’t mean I was fat etc. He has never really commented on my weight before, and I’m under no illusions that I’m “small” but I have recently already lost some weight and was feeling good about myself again. I just can’t look at him the same, it’s completely given me the ick. We were already going through a bit of a rough patch with work pressure, small children etc. I feel this has put the nail in the coffin of our already fledging sex life. He tried to cuddle me in bed last night and I just felt nothing but repulsion. Can I recover from this?!

Really, it serves you right op for judging other women for having to have c-sections, because really, that's what sparked the whole conversation. You were congratulating yourself for your vaginal births and having a little gloat that, in your view, all that gym-going just resulted in having to have c-sections.

Women who look down on other women who had to have c-sections give me the rage.

And, btw, it's not usually to do with "narrow hips" at all. There are myriad reasons why a c-section might be advisable, and some of them can be quite upsetting reasons.

I really hope your judgement/pity isn't apparent to your friends who had the c-sections.

@Rosie879 This was a question, regarding C-sections, OP, asked an opinion, which he tried to answer, there’s no comparison to saying it’s like saying, someone has a big nose or wrinkled skin.

"If you mean to bring it up with them as a health concern then it is never acceptable unless they have actually brought it up themselves or unless they are experiencing a medical issue due to their weight"

So if you're concerned your partners weight is skyrocketing and they're at risk of diabetes/heart disease, but they don't bring it up themselves, you wait until they have diabetes/heart disease before you mention anything?

This!
I was very slim when a male friend said “ You’re a big girl, aren’t you!”

He was a short ass and I was taller than him.

In all honesty OP, you got exactly what was coming to you from the conversation in my opinion. Sorry to be blunt, but you were the one talking about weight, comparing sizes of your friends, insinuating that your fit gym going friends shouldve found natural births easier than you did. Your DH correctly was pointing out that you are bigger than them, which you had already said yourself. But you got mad because he said the same thing. Im also assuming he meant bigger hips would make natural births easier, so you're taking this way too seriously.
Just FYI, having a c section has nothing to do with weight or whether you are fit and healthy. Iv had both natural and c section births, I was the same weight and health both times. It's also not easier or getting off lightly by having a c section, I actually found that much worse. So your whole mindset around the subject is really insulting and completely inaccurate.

It seems an over reaction to an innocuously meant comment. The fact that you see sex as a favour you give your husband that you withhold if upset and got that upset about a badly worded comment means there are underlying relationship problems. Your husband didn't even finish his sentence when he saw he'd upset you so he's not insensitive. If you feel sick and nauseated at the sight of your husband the relationship is probably doomed.

That was my first thought too. I have hips like a teenage boy (they are still sensible though - they don't lie, for a start...) but I'm v. lanky and have unsensibly long arms so really couldn't be described as 'small'.
Sounds like a typical hamfisted man to me. Not that it's an excuse - it simply isn't on to comment on other people's bodies but you know yourself that size 14-16 isn't particularly 'big' at all (at least, I hope you do) and that this is just another reason on the very long list of 'Why men should keep their gobs shut'.

If you have a big nose, you have a big nose.

Breasts do sag as you get older. It's particularly of life we have to deal with. We can't just pretend it's not the case.

These are neutral things really.

It's assigning malice or preferences is the problem.

It's perfectly possible to love someone regardless of indeed in spite of. Or even more so, because of things that are imperfect.

There's a song by The Tears (some of you may be more familiar with them if I say Brett Anderson of Suede was a member) called Imperfection.

The lyrics go.

You grow your nails too long
There's scratches on your arms
You taste like orange chocolate
You always put your hands in my pockets
Your teeth are not quite straight
Your mood swings oscillates
Your language is appalling
And you play with my hair in the morning

Your imperfections are so beautiful
I can't control my animal soul
Your imperfections have got me on a chain
Can't concentrate

I'm a sucker for your beautiful mistakes
And sometimes when we kiss
You touch my fingertips
Synthetic words can't hide me
Passion creeps like death inside me
And slowly we become one
We stick like chewing gum
I want your language to be appalling
I want you to play with my hair in the morning

And actually I think it's a really good thing to reflect on and consider.

Do you REALLY want everyone to be blow up carbon clones of each other? Or is beauty and attraction also about our flaws and differences as well as those stereotyped features we are taught are desirable?

Honestly, a guy worth keeping is often also a guy who wants to be with you regardless of whether you are a size 6 or 16. Or married you even though your nose is long - because he thought it beautiful. Or understands that yes, your tits will go saggy at some point but he's signed up til death anyway.

We don't ever frame things in this way though. We see statement of fact as negative comments, but that's not necessarily the case. They are neutral.

We can take it as a slight or a compliment - depending on what we value most - personality / share experience or appearance.

I have to say if you relationship/self worth is based just on physical appearance then at some point you are going to become a cropper. Because it's inevitable.

Depends on how tall you are. At 5'3" I would be big at a size 14

Im with PP, he could have just meant bigger as in built bigger, rather than fat.But also if you agree that you've picked up weight, uhmm then he is not wrong is he. I does not seem that he said it maliciously as he immediately apologised when you were offended.
Sorry OP, normally we're only offended when there is a grain of truth to it. If someone called me a loose woman or some such, I wouldn't bat an eye. However maybe if someone said something I'm already self-conscious about ie 'awhh your house is soo busy" meaning it could do with some cleaning, I'd probably be a bit offended, but only because there is some truth to it. Or "you loud girls". Cause yeah i have a tendency to speak too much or whatever.

I think you are overreacting, imo.

Also, take it or leave it, but an older woman once said a few things to me in relation to fighting/being angry with a spouse. She said: " I have sex with my husband because it softens me up to him". The idea that we withhold sex from our spouse because they said or did something wrong, causes a downward spiral. A.) then no one would ever have sex, because no -one is ever perfect, but b.) it just causes it to fester and you hold onto that. If I have sex, I'm softer towards my husband, it is almost like a conscious effort to forgive and get back together. I look at him in a different light, the father of my babies, the man I gave myself to ( and him giving himself to me- over and over again, despite my flaws and selfcentredness, the mistakes i repeat and repeat. etc etc) and I can get over a fight quicker, or we are both in a better place to talk it out - more connected.
Not saying that is why you didn't want to cuddle, but just in general, don't tie sex to performance. How well he treated you or whatever. Sex is there to unify a couple and withholding it often makes the fight worse and last longer. Not to add it becomes this thing I've seen countless times on MN. "Dh wants sex, but never treats me right/connects with me emotionally" and i promise if DH could speak he would say. "my wife withholds sex for every mistake I make, but wants me to cuddle her and give myself in an emotional way, (but physically she is always unavailable).

This is nonsense. My very athletic, broad-shouldered friend who is 6 foot, is a size 14-16 and no one ever believes her because she is so slim! She is just tall and broad.

Clothes fit people in different ways due to their different body shapes - you can’t just assume size 14 is overweight let alone “very overweight”.

You probably haven’t been anywhere near “science” since school.

'Big' is not an insult, so why feel insulted by it?

Honestly, if you can't talk about your weight in a relationship, regardless of what size you are then you have a communication problem and that's what's going to doom your relationship not your self confidence issues or a lack of tact.

More so if your weight has reached a problematic stage.

WTAF?!?!

Op you were also making some judgments or observation too as you mentioned these were fit/gym ladies yet having CSec?

Why is it ok to do that and he can't make his own observations just like you?

While I'm here can I just point out that the phrase "natural birth" pisses me off and I'm sure I'm not the only one. [Not directed at op but the many pp who have used the phrase]

Giving birth vaginally isn't necessarily "natural" as there are heaps of interventions that you could argue aren't "natural". Pain relief, instruments, episiotomy, antibiotics, etc. Even if you didn't use them, they were there as backup, and thank god they were.

Ffs why is it that making use of the miracle of modern medicine should be something we're supposed to be ashamed of?! Only in childbirth apparently.

Without intravenous antibiotics, I'd have died of sepsis after my first birth. So would many other mums. So, kindly FO with "natural birth"

Well… some girls are bigger than others

In my teenage and school years, I got called "a strapping lass"
I always felt like a farmers daughter or something.
I hated it.

Now I think it's funny ......

DH and I have always been pretty honest about each other's weight. If one of us is fat (which we have both been at various points) then we don't pretend that isn't the case. We've both lost a lot of weight and are kind of in shock about how big we had let ourselves get, so perhaps we should have been a bit more honest with each other! But we have made comments to each other in the past about being worried about the other's health, that sort of thing.

When I was a size 16, I wouldn't have been offended by my husband calling me 'bigger' because I was. I was obese 🤷‍♀️ It wasn't a value judgement on me as a person or how he feels about me, but I was definitely in the 'bigger' category. I think sometimes though that we let weight creep on over time and don't realise how bad it is till someone makes it seem us through another lens, and I think perhaps that's the upsetting part.

This

Why don’t you ask her what her BMI is? Then you’ll know if she’s overweight or not!

FYI I’m not saying BMI is a great method, it doesn’t reflect muscle mass vs fat for example. So if you friend is very athletic and bulky as a result and that’s pure muscle then her BMI will come out as overweight or obese but she arguably has nothing to worry about. Doesn’t change the fact she will be medically overweight/obese.

I also don’t think finding odd examples changes the fact. The vast majority of women who are a size 14-16 will be medically overweight or obese. It’s a fact.

Same here.
We didn't realise ourselves and daughter was so fat until we saw ourselves in the holiday pics.

All of us looking bloated with round faces. It was quite a shock !!!!

You've gone from a size 10 to 14-16. Clearly you are bigger.

I think you are being a bit disingenuous op. It seems you were trying to feel better about yourself by putting down other woman. Oh they might have fabulous figures but I gave birth ‘properly’.
Your DH didn’t join in and now you feel embarrassed and blaming him.

I’m not sure how he insulted you, he didn’t call you fat which could be rude, he called you a bigger girl. He might like bigger girls, so it could be a compliment in his mind.