My husband referred to me as a “bigger girl”

[Biggergirl16]

To preface the thread, when me and my husband met I was a size 10 (this was 17 years ago). Sedimentary job, children etc and I’m now a size 14-16.

Another friend had a baby this weekend, every person we know who has had a baby in the last 5 years has had c-sections for a variety of reasons other than me. In general conversation, I happened to mention to my husband that there seems to be a lot of csections, particularly amongst friends who would probably describe themselves as super fit/gym goers etc and that I found it odd that I was the only one who hasn’t had one. His response was “bigger girls like you…..” my face immediately dropped and he didn’t even bother to finish the sentence. He immediately started back tracking saying he didn’t mean I was fat etc. He has never really commented on my weight before, and I’m under no illusions that I’m “small” but I have recently already lost some weight and was feeling good about myself again. I just can’t look at him the same, it’s completely given me the ick. We were already going through a bit of a rough patch with work pressure, small children etc. I feel this has put the nail in the coffin of our already fledging sex life. He tried to cuddle me in bed last night and I just felt nothing but repulsion. Can I recover from this?!

I’m not sure that men would be thinking-through the variables of birth (in general) & he just came up with something in response to your conversation piece. And he did realise it wasn’t the right answer! I don’t think my DH would know what to say either…

The only link between being overweight/larger dress size and ability to give birth is a negative one I'm afraid. Generally excess weight increases risk. Pelvis width can be a factor, but the vast majority of women are not a size 8 or 16 because of anything to do with their skeleton, it's the tissue on the outside causes that, and is entirely irrelevant to what's going on inside. Your mum was wrong to say that to you. If you're a woman your body is as good for having children as any other woman's, being designed for it by nature of your sex.

@Petitchat It really can be. It's weird, I've lost 40lbs and am almost a normal BMI again, but how I look now is actually how I thought I looked when I was 40lbs heavier. I avoided most photos but now looking back at the few that were taken during this time, it's quite shocking and upsetting to see what I actually looked like v what I imagined I looked like. There was a big disconnect somewhere.

And yet, despite this you say "you now can't look at him the same", I would walk away for his sake.

It must be very difficult to live with someone who over reacts in this way and to this extent-the extent that despite being a brilliant dad and supportive husband-it counts for nothing and his one-correct remark-mow means that he has given you the ick and you can't view him in the same way.

Poor sod, sounds as if he is walking on eggshells and not for the first time if, by taking one look at you, he knew he was in trouble and tried to explain himself/

Does he make you feel less than? Does he make you feel less attractive to him? Has he made comments about how "thin girls" are more attractive? Going by what you said here it doesn't seem like any of those things are the case, so why would you turn this into a huge issue.

Your obviously not happy with your body but, that's not his fault. Him telling you your bigger when you already know your bigger doesn't make you gain more weight! I think your ridiculous and I am big! I would find it far more insulting if my partner pretended I was thin when we are both very aware that is not the case!

Being a size 10 doesn't mean that you don't have shape, or hips. I'm a size 8-10, more 10 atm, and I'm a pear shape, have hips and a small waist. We are all different shapes and sizes; weight does not change your natural shape, it just emphasises/adds to it. It isn't either or. Your pelvis can either fit a baby through, or it can't, and there are other varying factors such a baby size etc as well.

If I could go back I would have opted for c section, and not have allowed myself to be bullied into VBs, like it is some sort of badge of honour. I would have done so because of having traumatic long labours that were induced, failed epidurals, babies in SCBU, not because of any birthing issues (Thankfully that was the one part that went right).

Ok, vaginal birth then, which is classed as a natural birth(that’s what people are referring to in comparison to a c-section) You’re being way too over sensitive, most people understand the difference and don’t need it pointed out.

And I agree there's a bit of a kind of gloating undertone to the original discussion. You were bringing up the physical state of other women's bodies as a contributory factor to them having c sections (which aren't uncommon for first time mums in particular, something like 30% of first births end in an emergency section) so you opened the field for discussions about body type/weight and the link to giving birth. You kind of laid a trap that your husband fell into by carrying on that discussion in what he believed was the same vein, but because it suddenly became personal to you, it was offensive.

really?

Big in what way? Big compared to a size 10? Big compared to a size 20? Big if they are over 5’5”?? It is all relative. What good does it to do anyone to call them big? It will never not be upsetting and hurtful. Very few of us are walking around with perfect measurements and a perfect BMI.

We’re all entitled to our opinions but to deliberately point a finger at anyone over a certain size and declare them “big” or “large” makes my eyes roll. It also makes me wonder what the intention is behind it. To shame them into losing weight? To make yourself feel superior?

You maybe like me, hyper sensitive to how you have aged.( Especially if your sex life hasn't been great.) You have choices but would suggest you talk about your feelings once you have really thought how do you feel. What you want to say, how do you think he may respond.. you need to be prepared for yep, I'm not finding you as sexy as when you were younger. And that's going to hurt ! Seriously the truth hurts and sometimes it's better not to know, as once you know, there is no turning back. I wish you well

14-16 is probably in the overweight or obese category although we’re all supposed to pretend otherwise. At that size someone is a ‘bigger’ person as in not slim, and in this case also bigger than previously.

After I had my first C section my family doctor said why did a strapping girl like you need a caesarean? I was 5ft 4in and 9 stone at the time, so not overweight, but not petite either.

Honestly I think you're overreacting. He's obviously touched a nerve but I don't think he meant to hurtful. Being a bit heavier is not a crime. My husband and I laugh all the time about my weight struggles-I know I'm big but I know he sees me as far more than that.

Came to say this too

I’m a size 22/24 so much bigger than you, if we were to be compared I’d obviously be the “bigger girl” out of the two of us, so it’s kind of stating a fact. You also say your friends are “super fit gym types” and imply you are more curvy, it’s a widely held belief (from days gone by) that women with bigger hips are better at birthing babies, you didn’t even let your husband finish, so how do you know that’s not what he meant? Perhaps he isn’t lacking in kindness, but more lacking in tact. I appreciate how you must be feeling hurt, especially if you’re making tracks to do something about your own insecurities and then you’ve thought it’s been implied that your husband thinks you’re big, but I think it’s more nuanced than just that one comment, I think your hurt because what’s been said has touched a nerve and also because you’ve said your having relationship problems, which I know from experience makes a person feel insecure and hurt already. The “ick” is a defence mechanism.. Only you can decide whether you can come back from it OP. Might I also kindly suggest (if you do decide you want to work on your marriage) some support in the form of relationship counselling if you’re not doing it already-relate costs are income assessed so it’s potentially more affordable than you might think. Best of luck to you ❤️

🙄 behave yourself woman

I agree. She clearly thinks she’s better than them and that’s probabaly why she’s so offended by her husbands truthful comment.

It's lovely how body positivity works.
Overweight? All good, let's embrace every body size!
Sporty, slim? Hips like adolescent boys, gym bunnies .....
Yep, love EVERY body size. Just not the one that's on the slimmer spectrum.

Totally agree. There are slim women with hips, overweight women without them. You can't change skeleton shape, or pelvic width; it is underneath with extra padding or not. The theory that if you're heavier you can more easily have a VB is batshit. Who cares??? We are all different shapes and sizes.

The fact that he referred to you, a grown woman, as a "girl" alone would have given me the ick. Also I don't see what your size has got tot do with the topic of csections.

I think the moral of the story is not to make comments and judgements about other women's shapes, sizes, birthing modes. I agree with PP, the OP wanted to do this and it backfired. I think her husband's comment wasn't needed but, neither was OP's.

Bigger girl is patronising. I suppose Big Boy has different connotations. Bigger woman might be accurate unless you're taller.

Don't get me wrong. I'm now a 14 at 5'3", and my scales tell me I'm obese! It's the reality. I'm reading Michael moseley and attempting lifestyle shift, but I know I'm going to have to restrict food to lose weight.

Maybe take this as a wake up call?

This totally depends on your height. Im 5’8 and wear size 14 jeans and tops. My bmi is 24.3. Not amazing but at the upper end of normal, not even in the overweight category.

I'm all for coming down hard on rude remarks, but in this situation, he was fumbling for a phrase to describe people who are not slim gym bunnies and he settled on the wrong one for you.

It can be hard to accept you are 'bigger', I know, as I am 'bigger' too, at a 14-16, that's about an 18 in old money (the old sizes) and as I'm short, I indeed was bigger, in fact, obese at times, or very overweight.

I don't think he meant anything terrible, by the fact he stopped speaking.

It's up to you, I would feel hurt too, but I think it's better to let this go after a few hours of upset and try to see if the marriage can get back on track, don't let it all go down the drain over this remark, unless it's part of a pattern of derogatory comments designed to put you down- if it's more careless talk, then I'd accept I was oversensitive about being bigger now I'm older and a mum.

Yes it is. I'm a 12/14 (something I'm working hard to reduce) and am classed as obese. I understand why she was upset but we cannot pretend to be "small"