My husband referred to me as a “bigger girl”

[Biggergirl16]

To preface the thread, when me and my husband met I was a size 10 (this was 17 years ago). Sedimentary job, children etc and I’m now a size 14-16.

Another friend had a baby this weekend, every person we know who has had a baby in the last 5 years has had c-sections for a variety of reasons other than me. In general conversation, I happened to mention to my husband that there seems to be a lot of csections, particularly amongst friends who would probably describe themselves as super fit/gym goers etc and that I found it odd that I was the only one who hasn’t had one. His response was “bigger girls like you…..” my face immediately dropped and he didn’t even bother to finish the sentence. He immediately started back tracking saying he didn’t mean I was fat etc. He has never really commented on my weight before, and I’m under no illusions that I’m “small” but I have recently already lost some weight and was feeling good about myself again. I just can’t look at him the same, it’s completely given me the ick. We were already going through a bit of a rough patch with work pressure, small children etc. I feel this has put the nail in the coffin of our already fledging sex life. He tried to cuddle me in bed last night and I just felt nothing but repulsion. Can I recover from this?!

He didn't mean it in anyway badly.

It's true by your own admission.

Why are you punishing him for being honest?

If it was said in a way to hurt you or be malicious that's different.

You have a self confidence thing here. It's not fair to pin blame on him for it and associate it with your other issues.

It's your other issues that are the problem.

If you split up, it will still be the case that you are the size you are.

If you are unhappy about this, the onus is on you to do something about it for you. Not for anyone else.

When I was pregnant with twins the consultant said something like this. I’m tall and have wide, child birthing, hips. Also because I’d had a previous vaginal birth of a 9lber my birth canal was essentially a slip and slide. It was professionally put but generally for this type of twins he’d normally recommend a c-section but for me he’d recommend a vaginal birth.

In all fairness he was quite right. Wasn’t feeling fabulous about it at the time though.

Wide hips, yes, being taller doesn’t mean, having an easier time with a natural birth.OP, has said she’s recently lost weight, so was bigger than a size 14/16 that’s what he’s referring to, her weight.

Yes.
Sensible.
👍

He was a bit thoughtless but he’s not saying something that’s untrue.
You already know you are bigger so I don’t see how it’s a shock to the system.

Same.

well, I am currently struggling with my weight.

But even at a very healthy weight and with an athletic lifestyle I would have never been described as small. I had a flat stomach, toned arms and legs. But I still had wide hips, upper thighs, big boobs etc.

it’s not just about weight but whether somebody has a slim / narrow or broad build.

This - I'm a size 12-14 on average (although due to vanity sizing I can fit into size 8 in some shops which is ridiculous), and have an obese BMI. Admittedly I'm short but at my weight I'd still be obese at average height.
Just because it's normal doesn't mean it's healthy.

I'm a size 14, have always been a size 12-14 even when competing in ironman triathlons at 17% bodyfat and also "do sport" 5-6 days a week. You sound judgemental and uneducated about the female body in sport with this comment.

OP, I think YABU. He hasn't been particularly clever with this comment, but it sounds pretty innocent. Maybe have a chat with how he can support you with your insecurities. Well done for making progress!

It is all relative but anyone coming on here saying a size 14-16 is big can fuck off.

Surprisingly, as we age, we change shape, particularly after children. It is normal OP. And your husband of all people should know not to make comments like this, no wonder you have the ick. I’m assuming he doesn’t look like Brad Pitt?

I was about to say this. My husband loved it when I was a "bigger girl". Maybe your previous unhappiness with your weight (you mentioned you'd started feeling good again) meant you took it as a bad thing but it may not be for your husband?

I would find it hurtful though, despite knowing how my husband feels. If he is clumsy in his language choices in other ways, I'd explain my hurt though and move on.

I think the question of whether you comment on your partner’s weight gain is really interesting. I gained 8kg after having my second child ( I had actually lost weight after my first ). My partner commented constantly, ordering me salad when we ate out, telling me to join a gym, commenting if I ate junk food. I lost the weight and improved my fitness massively. My partner gained huge amounts of weight (up 110kg and he’s only 5”7) I never commented but he now has heart problems, OSA and a bad back. I don’t if it would have made any difference but I feel so much guilt about it. It was hard to hear that he wasn’t happy with how I looked but in retrospect I needed to hear it.

A size 14-16 IS big though. Yes some people change as they age and for many weight gain is part of that (but changing lifestyle is more relevant) but we should not shy away from describing things as they are. It’s a very very very rare woman who is a 14-16 who isn’t “big” unless she is very tall and then likely to be “big” in a different way.

You’re bigger than you used to be. It’s a fact.

If he’s never referred to you this way in a derogatory manner, then you’re possibly projecting how you feel about the change in your size onto him. Are you happy with your health and fitness?

Unfortunate that this phrase is triggering for you, I would bring it up with him and talk it through. I doubt he meant to hurt you. I have gone from 10 to 14/16 and I know I am bigger now and over a healthy weight, its just a fact. But also c section has nothing to do with weight, I had a planned on due to the position of the baby, my friend had an emergency one, there are so many reasons for c section so you could educate him on that too, along with asking him not to use the term bigger girl, which is a horrible phrase but not worth ending your marriage over.

I am surprised you have not returned the favour. I absolutely would be commenting on his weight massively.

I think this thread goes to show what a sensitive issue weight is no matter what your size. The moral of the story is don't comment on other people's weight unless you are willing to have your own commented on.

OP, he meant this. Not that you are fat.

You are talking about c-sections so the size of the pelvis is the consideration, not how fat you are.

He realised it came out wrong and so clammed up. I think you need to address your own insecurities if you are feeling insecure about your weight.

I wondered this.
Totally tactless of him though.

Why on earth would your husband telling the truth give you the ick?
Is it any wonder your marriage is going through a rough patch if he can't even speak his mind?
You appear ro be very sensitive about your weight gain, that's on you to deal with, not for him to have to lie about.
The fact is, compared to slim, fit, gym goers...you are a bigger girl!
Embrace it or change it!

Re the comments about the husband stating a fact, I'm sure it's a fact some of us have a large nose, or wrinkled skin, or saggy breasts, for example. Having it pointed out by our husband wouldn't make it any less hurtful because it's true.

My partner calls me bigger and I am not insulted. I know I am and I know he likes that in a woman. He doesn't mean fat in fact he insists I'm not. I have a fuller bust, behind and large hips. I'm size 14 and its the biggest ive been but when he calls me bigger I feel complimented. Whatever is going on is more that just this comment between you both.

If you’re a bigger girl, you’re a bigger girl. If he didn’t mean it maliciously then it’s unfair to project your issues with yourself onto him. The repulsion you feel when he tries to cuddle you is towards your own body, not him. Don’t throw away a good relationship because you aren’t happy in your own skin - address that instead.

i sort of agree.

im a ‘smaller girl’ (eeek) and both times I needed an emergency c section as babies got stuck trying to get down. My mum made a comment afterwards and said of course it was silly for you to try for a VBAC girls with your body shape aren’t good at having babies. Which I thought for a bit was a bit insulting but I’m over it now.

and I kind of think there’s some sense in that. Two friends who are bigger dress sizes had fabulous natural births

You’re fooling yourself if you think he hasn’t noticed whatever one of those you have and are insecure about. If the issue is that you don’t think he should point it out, if it makes sense in the context and he isn’t saying it to be malicious, then the problem is your own.

You can’t have a big nose and hope other people don’t notice it. If you so, you do, and that’s fine. Make peace with your own insecurities instead of taking it out on others.

Lol @ the typo, Sedimentary job. I often felt like little more than sediment at work. 🤣

But on a serious note, he sounds pretty crass and blunt. You know full well that you're not 'big'. Maybe slightly bigger than when you met but so what. That's nothing to do with wanting/needing a C-section.
And who cares how someone delivers their baby? As long as it suits them and the child.

Presuming he's no Adonis himself, I'd just tell him to choose his words more carefully. I guess maybe he isn't the major expert in women's health and reproductive system.