To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

[teenmumstress24]

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

• constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
• never doing any housework
• never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
• letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
• more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
• boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

I was quite relaxed with my teens. As long as they were getting college work done and earning their own spends then they could do as they pleased. My eldest was never home! I swear she'd turn up on a Sunday night, stay till Wednesday afternoon to go to college then disappear again till Sunday. She was having a ball working the nightclub bars. Staying at her boyfriends and just bring a carefree teenager. Now she's a mom of four and looks back on them days and is glad she got to experience that time of her life. I'll never forget the midweek day she rang me and said she had got on a plane to Ibiza and she'd see me in 8 weeks lol !. Best summer of her life apparently.

You just have to ease off and let go. Let your dd enjoy this stage in her life but also give her stability of knowing she's always got a home with you.

Chores wise I just didn't do my dd washing and she had to keep her room clean. She wasn't here long enough to make a mess.

And all those lifts my dh gave her omg he actually says he misses their singalongs on the way to drop her off or pick her up.

These days pass so quickly. Life's too short. Let her live a little. Relax.

YABU, except for "fuck off" it's normal teenage behaviour. How are you expecting to cope when she goes to uni?

Also, either she's hardly ever there and therefore only has to tidy up after herself or she is actually already substantially at home and should do chores.

Sorry but my bet is that by 'spending time with her sister' you mean you want her around more to babysit...

This is it OP.

And I know this, because I also had a very similar dynamic when I was 18. My mum and my step dad had a 1 and a 3 year old in the home, I was obsessed with my boyfriend (spoiler alert - it didn't last!) and probably spent a couple of hours in the family home at most a week. I wanted to be out and about, it is normal, it really is.

The good news is me and my mum have a great relationship, we really enjoy spending time together now, I am in my late 20s and this has been the case since I chilled out a bit at 23. Before then, my priority was going out with friends, drinking, going to my office job, like I said just being out and about. It will be fine OP - you will be her safe space and she will come back, she's just in that awkward bit, not really an adult but not quite a child anymore.

What are you talking about? I am referring to your mixed messages and incongruence towards your daughter. You have ignored the rest of my posts in order to be blindly defensive.

I have gone through the independence phase with my two kids too and it does take a while to adjust and let go so I think that's completely normal that you are not thinking of her as a fully fledged adult yet. It does sound like the entire issue is the boyfriend. He's monoploising her time and influencing her opinions and because he doesn't want any inference with that he has turned her against you. She probably likes being at her dad's more because he's not getting involved. Growing up, has she spent more time at your house or has it been 50/50?

It's really difficult to navigate these situations but the more you push, the more she will push back, so I think just letting her know that she is always welcome to stay/come for dinner/see you outside of the home, whatever she needs, you are there for her is all you can do.

Do you know if she is still seeing her friends or has she dropped those too in favour of this guy?

Abusive parenting telling an 18 year old adult that there is an expectation for them to clean up their mess after they have used the bathroom? Should be a basic requirement for any 18 year old adult.

@ThatTealViewer
I've actually made a few other threads under different names about her education, and it's not the focus of this thread hence why it's only briefly mentioned! But you keep on desperately pedalling that narrative of me as a shitty mother!

These situations can be really intense and difficult. You don’t want to say or do anything that pushes her to move out and be with a not very nice partner.

so just focus on yourself and your younger child and your day. When she turns up let her do as she pleases and then leaves again. No chores no threats as this will make it even worse but she is to do her own washing (that should already have been happening). If she has the biggest room she can put it on an airer in there whilst she’s away even.

Just let her get on with her life and see how things are in 6-12months time.

Be very careful, you have already heard him telling her to hang up on you, last thing you want to do is lose her completely, which will tie her into him and play into his hands. Let her have options so she can end the relationship if she wants. Would not do much until she finishes a levels, then see if she goes to uni which may change things she more than likely will not spend her life with him , so this will pass. Teenage years can be so tough

It sounds an extreme example, but I know at 18 the last thing I’d have wanted to do would be live with a toddler and my mum’s new partner, so it’s not that surprising.

Then this is just normal teenage chat

Your job is to sit on your hands, bite your tongue and have open arms whenever she does cross the threshold. She’s still in full time education and does not have the opportunity or means to live independently. You sound very needy

Does your daughter know that you are suffering from anxiety and under the doctor? That would put a lot of emotional pressure on her. Maybe it is easier for her to not be around.

You can invent whatever narrative you want. It's not about babysitting. I'm absolutely pig sick of people inventing stuff now!! This is so exhausting I just need some support! I have literally nowhere to turn and I am at my wits end and people just NEED to stick the boot in don't they? I've sobbed my eyes out from opening them at 6am, if that makes anyone feel better?? So maybe people could just lay off now??

Last thing, don’t take her room away from
her

I think this is really tough for you and I'm so sorry your daughter is being this rude.

Someone once told me that her job as a mum when her DD was 16-20 was to be "wallpaper". To just be there and be taken for granted and ignored. But she then said, the thing is, wallpaper is always there, comfortable and familiar and one day when he DD's boyfriend had broken her heart, she came home and needed her mum to be there.

Others have given great advice about managing this and I would only add that when your DD's boyfriend proves he's not everything she wants him to be, she's going to need you. It's about showing her you will always be there for her, no matter what.

I think you need to chill out. She’s young and in love. Housework? My mum didn’t make me do housework at 18 (gawd bless her).

I understand this is a difficult transition, you miss her and it’s hard on you. But the anger and resentment is just pouring out of you, and I think you’re being too hard on her. Give her the freedom she needs with love and she’ll come back to you.

Speaking as someone with a big age gap between me and my sibling (10 years instead of 15 in your case) it’s going to be hard to maintain anything close to a normal sibling relationship when one is on the cusp of adulthood and one is a preschooler. Don’t use the little one to guilt trip your eldest.

100% this. I’m going through similar with my (early 20s DD). Let her try out spreading her wings knowing she has a safe space to return to.

Oh ok, well it's interesting then that she was a happy and fully involved member of this family and absolutely doted on her little sister, up until around 8 weeks ago when a new boyfriend arrived. Coincidence.

She’s 18. She wants to do her own thing. It isn’t personal. She’s finding her feet and exploring the world. Home is her safe haven for when she wants to return. Just keep things like that. Apart from swearing, most 18 year olds want to do what they want to do. She, of course, had to follow basic house rules which includes keeping clean and tidy and not swearing at you. Let her fly and she will come back.

She is not really living at home any more so she shouldn't really be required to do housework.

Sounds like the worst thing practically is the lifts and that seems to have been sorted.

Most important is she has contraception sorted and knows she has a home to come back to should she want a break from the boyfriend.

Once again, for about i think the 3rd time? No she doesn't know,

She's a child, living at home. Not an adult.

This. She’s 18, she could break up with him next week and you don’t want to do anything that’s going to damage your relationship.

Again. The boyfriend gets the blame. You don’t exactly strike me as a mother she could talk to to be honest. You haven’t once assessed your role in this.