To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

[teenmumstress24]

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

• constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
• never doing any housework
• never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
• letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
• more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
• boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

I am in a similar situation, is the boyfriend welcome to stay at yours?

@Babynamedrama with all due respect to you too, if you think I'm not taking any advice on here you need to read properly. I have commented to many posters that their advice is helpful and thanked them, which you'd see if you'd bothered to read my responses.

Yes you are wrong for telling her that. Going by your posts she knows she’s loved and missed. My mum done the same, told me she missed me as a way, whether consciously or subconsciously, as a way of guilting me. You mightn’t even see it like that but that’s putting massive pressure on your daughter when she’s just trying to live her life.

If you’d posted about your mental health, separate from your daughter, you’d have got support. I am genuinely sorry you’re struggling and I do think you should see your GP.

Your DD does need to adjust her manners and treat you and the home with respect, which is what I said. I did agree with you! I’m reminding you that she’s 18- a hormonal young woman finding her way in this world. We are all only human.

With the best will in the world, I think you’re working yourself up over nothing. She sounds entirely normal for her age.

You need to relax, or you’ll drive her away for good. I really don’t understand the drama. I guess you’re tired because you also have a wee one, but honestly, just be nice when she’s there and she’ll be more inclined to be there.

You’re actually very fortunate, maybe focus on that

The issue is (again for those at the back or those being wilfully obtuse now): I miss my daughter and I want her home more so we can have some semblance of a relationship. She insists she wants that too, she insists she doesn't want to move out. But she continues to do the same over and over. I'm at my wits end, I don't know how to navigate this anymore!

So you miss your DD, but she’s 18, will be leaving home soon, you can’t needily force a relationship with someone. It’s like you need her to be your friend to be ok.

Oh and make her clean the bloody shower afterwards if she's leaving it dirty!

OK, let me rephrase that in a way that might be easier for you to understand:

if she wants to use the bathroom, she must clean up after herself

Because it comes across as incongruent and manipulative. ‘I miss you, clean the shower’, ‘I miss you, pay board’. Even if you are not saying this, this will absolutely be coming across in your interactions. This is why you need therapy, to break this patterns of relating.

I think you’re not assessing your own part in this to be honest. You keep coming back with the same things. People have said why it’s wrong to say you miss her. I totally get from your perspective that you do miss her, naturally you do and you want her to know this. She’s not spending time away from you because she thinks you don’t miss her. It’s not even personal, she just wants to be with her boyfriend for a lot of the time which ok isn’t healthy but we’ve all been there! I know I was and my mum made it an awful experience by being exactly the way you are being.

can I honestly ask, what are you going to change on the back of this?

Agree, she is legally an adult, you’ll push her away. It sounds like she’s all but moved out so placing demands and charging rent will just encourage her to make the final jump. I would focus on what you can do to support her with exams etc and enjoying the time you do get together might be more productive than putting expectations on her.

just be nice when she’s there and she’ll be more inclined to be there.

I AM NICE WHEN SHE IS HERE.

I don't know how many more times or different ways I can say this? I'm pleasant, I ask her how her day was, I try to engage with her, all I get is. "I'm going to have a shower and go out in a bit". That's it. What else can I possibly do? She does not want to be here longer than 5 mins so how I can create any sort of relationship or nice environment? 🤷‍♀️ I'm at a loss.

I think it's you giving mixed messages, you want to demand she stays at home x nights a week but you've said it's absolutely fine if she wants to move out?

@Plastictrees
You've made that up. 100%.I did not and have not ever said those phrases and you are twisting it now.

You just need to be there, calm, not trying to force conversations or activities

Don't be condescending to me.

Your 2nd post means the exact same thing, its either an empty threat which just makes you look stupid, or you're saying a child is not allowed to use the bathroom in their house.

Disgusting, abusive parenting.

If you want her to spend more time ask the BF to stay, forge a relationship with him as well

I feel for you, things are changing out of your control and of course you miss her, it must be difficult.

And this is a good idea, but only if it’s chilled

In the nicest possible way, she's 18 and living in a house that is probably very centred on a 3 year old needs. The thing that she let you and 3 year old down for, was it in any way interesting to an 18 year old?

Rather than giving her a guilt trip because you miss her or setting arbitrary rules maybe you should try to build a relationship with the person she is now. She has time for her dad's side and the family and her aunt, what are they doing that isn't sending her running?

I'd change the way I thought about it.
It's part of growing up, this phase. She is besotted.
Decide between you and partner what you find unacceptable. But I'd set that fairly low. I'd also see if you can get some 121 time with her. Let her know that you know it's right that she is moving on in life but you are still there for her.

Honestly OP other than telling you to fuck off, she sounds completely normal for an 18 year old.

If she's a college student then she shouldn't be contributing to the cost of the food shop or paying board.

She should of course be doing her own laundry and cleaning up after herself if she's made a mess, but if she's not there most of the time I don't see what other housework she should be doing.

I don’t think we’re the ones being wilfully obtuse.

Teenagers leave the nest and are often not particularly interested in hanging out with their parents. This is normal behaviour. Reacting to it in the way you describe (panic attacks, inability to sleep, medication, proposing to introduce sanctions) is not normal and healthy behaviour, and people are pointing that out.

I think you might need to grow up a bit. Your daughter is not required to hang out with you because you want her to. She’s off being a teenager. And that’s okay!

The only real issue here is her education and attitude towards her exams, which you’ve only really mentioned in passing. That’s rather telling.

What I would do is back off. No, swearing at you is not OK, not giving lifts when it doesn't suit you is fine but I don't know why there is the expectation of chores when you say yourself she's hardly there. I'm surprised that she doesn't appear to know how to use a washing machine at 18 so perhaps you could calmly say she needs to learn that and show her, ditto calmly asking her to clean the bathroom after herself.

What is coming over very strongly is that you are having a very disproportionate emotional reaction to what is frankly pretty standard teenage stuff. Whatever the reasons for that, it isn't her fault and you need to take the pressure off her to make you feel better. Stop telling her you miss her. She, at this precise stage of her development, doesn't care. I have a similar age gap with my little sister and although I loved her, she barely figured in my thinking at 18. 40 odd years on, we're close.

I say hello to her and ask her how her day is, and what her plans are. That's it pretty much. Hardly "forced". Then she retreats to shower and leave again.