To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

[teenmumstress24]

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

• constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
• never doing any housework
• never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
• letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
• more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
• boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

OP, you're a great Mum!

You raised her alone for 9 years, and have provided her with a safe home. This is why she feels safe enough to push her boundaries and test life out with a boyfriend like this.

Swearing is unacceptable, but not entirely unusual.

I hope your talk goes well. I would avoid comments to her like "I miss you" as to a teenager whose hormones are raging that may well come across as emotional blackmail. Maybe say instead just that you enjoy spending time with her.

Some PPs have been awful to you on here, and I am honestly shocked by it tbh. Your MH is clearly making you spin out and you obviously need some help, but remember how well you have raised her so far and just trust your instincts..

See about inviting the boyfriend for dinner at your home as well.

OP, this will pass. I’ve been where you are, and naturally you are upset and emotional. You’re bad cop to everyone else who are basking in the good cop role.
Firstly, the boyfriend. She’s besotted with him. It might be long term or not, but right now he’s in her life. Paint on a smile and welcome him in your home.
Secondly, you’re her mum and always will be. You’re her safety net, so you will always get the brunt of her frustrations and moods. Is it fair? Nope. Is it normal? Yes, absolutely.
I set boundaries, DD pushed them. She flounced off to her dads or the boyfriend more than once. I didn’t try to stop her, I waited for her call or text and always told her I loved her and the door was always open. A lot of what you’re going through is part of her growing up. She will make mistakes, let her. Let her know, unequivocally, that you have her back, always.
My DD and I are very close, and recently, with a different partner, bought a house close to me, because she wanted to be near her mum. If you can, take a step back and try not to see this as an affront on your character. Don’t make any changes until the dust has settled. I wish you well. If you take the pressure off yourself you’ll take the pressure off her too.

Wow this thread has turned into an absolute pile on.

I hope you have a nice evening with your DD and a chance to reconnect.
Hopefully the total immersion of the past 8-12 weeks is wearing a bit thin and things will cool off and get back to normal a bit.

If she does get on with your partner/her step dad then either he or her father might be the best people to ask some gentle questions about whether this is a controlling relationship. Is she seeing other friends without the bf for example ? What is the 6th form doing to blow off some steam when term ends.

Can I suggest you don't try and have a heart to heart with her unless she comes to you.

I know you want to but it might push her further away. You're going through what millions of parents have and will again and you need to fight the urge to resolve anything and problem solve.

Be chill, enjoy her being there and her spending time with her sister. Show her that being home can just be nice with no pressure, no deep and meaningful chats etc.

If someone told me to be at home more so I could spend more time doing house work, I would want to stay away for longer.

Yes I agree with @Rubiconartist

For tonight keep everything light and cheerful, no pressure or what can be perceived as pressure. Chat about random stuff like any Netflix recommendations or whatever let her see time with you can just be relaxed down time with absolutely nothing particularly in depth or serious to discuss

Tonight should more be about watching a movie together and maybe a takeaway, and nothing about having any deep conversations (unless she initates them). Make being home like coming back into a warm house out of the snow. Comforting, loving and no pressure at all.

For those still reading (and coming from a genuine place as opposed to just wanting to stick the boot in):

Had a heart to heart with DD. The following is a summary of what we spoke about and where we got to:

• she said she categorically does not want to move out she vehemently denied that she dislikes being at home. She said she doesn't feel pushed out or second best or any of the other things people suggested on here (I asked her outright if she felt like she wasn't a part of the family; she said absolutely not). She said the reason she isn't spending much time here has nothing to do with me, her stepdad or her sister, and everything to with being besotted with the boyfriend and wanting to spend more time with him, and that's all.

• she has agreed to help out more at home, she accepted she's had it easy thus far and needs to do more

• she told me her boyfriend even told her she was out of order for telling me to fuck off and that he'd never say anything of the sort to his mum, but he told her to hang up purely because he didn't think the conversation was helping either either of us (strange to hear her say "he even backed you" on that one, I did not expect that)

• she said she feels I'm not "happy for her". I've told her it's hard to feel happy about a lad she's been seeing a few weeks, particularly how the previous one ended in heartache only a few months prior, and that I worry for her as I'm the one who will have to mop up the pieces; so if it seems as though I'm disinterested or not happy for her, it's coming from a place of worry for her and nothing more. That said, I agreed to make more of an effort to get to know him

That's pretty much where we are at. Not sure if that's progress or not but at least we have spoken. Next step I suppose is meeting him.

Thank you again to the posters who were respectful and empathic whilst also giving constructive advice (in particular @Goldenbear).

Signing off now. Here's to rebuilding my relationship with my little girl, it's going to be a long bumpy road but I'm her mum so I will grit my teeth and do what's needed. (Then do it all again in 15 years time with my other one 🤦🏼‍♀️🤣)

I felt quite emotional by her response to "do you feel pushed out because of your little sister? It's ok to say if you do" etc. She seemed confused by me even asking the question and became very defensive of her sister, saying she loves the bones of her and would do anything for her, why would she feel pushed out by her, etc. It's very reassuring to know that this isn't the issue - I'd hate for her to feel that way!

That's really great to hear, it sounds like a really productive conversation and the fact that she 'can' engage with you in that way is testament to you having a good relationship with her!

Thank you @Middlemarch123. It sounds like you and your daughter have a lovely relationship and I hope to have the same again with mine one day!

Yes, I think there is a lot of projection on this thread that probably started to make you doubt yourself and the reality you live in but you could tell from your posts that isn't what was going on here.

But remember, once women are Mums of teenagers, they are not people in their own right with emotions and feelings, they are there to say nothing and clean up after everyone else! 🙄

It is progress OP, well done to both of you.

@teenmumstress24 fantastic, I hope some stress has been lifted from you now. I love a happy ending!

She's probably just in the crazy obsessive love phase where she can't think about anything else. You seem to have a wonderful relationship, but she's just a bit mad at the moment. We've all been there! 😀

I mean, it's early days isn't it, but at least it's opened a dialogue between us now. I feel a huge sense of relief just for that reason in itself.

But remember, once women are Mums of teenagers, they are not people in their own right with emotions and feelings, they are there to say nothing and clean up after everyone else! 🙄

It does feel this way doesn't it?! I have a feeling you and I would get on in real life @Goldenbear

That's great news @teenmumstress24

As others have said, she's in the first flush of a new relationship, it can be very all consuming! Try not to take it too personally and choose your battles wisely!

It sounds like the conversation went as well as it could have done and you both understand each other better. It is also positive that you are both being more flexible with seeing each others perspectives, she is not purposefully rejecting you and I think you showing a bit more happiness for her will go a long way. We have all been there, swept along in the excitement of our first relationships!

Hopefully you feel a bit better now and can get some sleep tonight. I do genuinely wish you all the best.

So basically, just cleaning up any mess that she has made herself? That doesn't sound unreasonable.

As I have said previously, the main issue is that she is not studying at her boyfriend's house and she is there most of the time. This has been picked up by her school. How does she respond to any concerns you raise about her school work?

Wow! What an amazing conversation that you could both have with each other!

This is the start of the grown up relationship you will have with her and I'm so pleased you were able to do that and for both of you to be so open with each other. It can't have been easy.

The conversation sounds very positive and productive and it looks like you have both significantly managed to clear the air. :)

Now that you are (presumably) feeling a little more relaxed about things - it might be that you have unwittingly come across as being less supportive of your daughter's new relationship than she would have hoped. This is not to make a criticism of you; you said you remembered her previous relationship ending in tears and you were perhaps a tad premature in projecting your concerns about how that relationship ended to the new one.

Now that you know that's how your daughter feels, you can try to make sure she recognises that you are happy if she is happy and can take steps to get to know the new boyfriend. It's also encouraging that he supported you on the "fuck off" comment and told her she was out of line. It sounds like he may be a reasonably mature young man.

Admittedly I seem to have a very different view from most - when I was in my second year of A levels the absolute expectation was that I'd be at home every school night by dinner time, unless for a specific and arranged thing, discussed in advance - including extra-curricular school-type things such as debating or theatre trips, or sports events, but never the pub or being out with mates socialising. My parents wouldn't have contemplated me being out 12 nights a fortnight for a single second.
My son is 19, in his first year at uni, and in no circumstances would this degree of away-from-home have happened when he was doing A levels. He very rarely wasn't at home on a school night, and again, it would be mentioned at home first.
No financial contribution from A level school pupils was ever even considered by my parents, or by me. I wouldn't expect that now either, when DS1 is at university.
Mumsnet appears to me to have horrifyingly low expectations of, and standards for, teenagers.