To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

[teenmumstress24]

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

• constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
• never doing any housework
• never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
• letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
• more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
• boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

She's 18; this all sounds normal (though not the being told to FO), she is carving her own path, she will come back to you in a different way as she grows up but if you go hard on her now you might really really damage the relationship (speaking as the daughter of a mum who didnt like my bf when i was 21 and didnt speak to me for around 2 years... a uniquely painful experience, plus it bit her on the bum I have now been with said bf for 20 years, married with 2 kids). I can really tell how painful you are finding it but i would refrain from making ultimatums. Would it be worth speaking to a counsellor to help you navigate your feelings?

Once you've found a bit of equilibrium you might be able to suggest some optional quality time you can spend together (something you both enjoy?) Leave the door open for this type of connection. Forcing her to stay home isn't going to give you what you are after which is a meaningful relationship x

Not excusing a fuck off but you said it’s very out of character - it reads like a frustrated lashing out to always being last and excluded from the family unit.

@thepariscrimefiles yes she knows, she was present during the discussions with me and her tutors.

I think you need some tough love and boundary setting, and accept than in her being 18 it may not go the way you want.

she is technically an adult but still at school, si she is in a vulnerable position.

i would start by contacting school and letting them know if the situation. Is she still going to school and what are her predicted grades and she keeping up with homework?

I would then take away all privileges (mobile phone and spending money) until she has shown more respect and spends more time at home.

i would get a babysitter and spend quality 1-on-1 time with her once a week- take her for lunch, cinema shopping etc without your toddler in tow.

if she carries on, then I would put up with it until she has done her A levels and then give her the ultimatum: treat this household with more respect or move out. And be prepared that she might do.

@whatnow5
She absolutely is NOT excluded or "always last". What is bringing you to that particular conclusion?

I would focus 100% on her attention to school work and Uni ambitions.

This is far more important than hbd state of the shower tray, and galling as it is, requires a sympathetic approach rather than authoritarian rules about chores. You need to keep your relationship and communication strong.

I would tell her you are proud of her Uni ambitions , that you are happy she has found a boyfriend she is happy with but in a really strung relationship he too will want to see her do well and achieve well.

Talk about a week that enables her to revise, do homework and spend time with him. Ask her what SHE thinks is a reasonable balance that will enable her to show herself off to her best ability.

He is not a new partner, we met when she was 9. He's been around for 9 years. And as I've said repeatedly, her behaviour has been totally different up until the point she met this lad. She gets on well with her stepdad, they have a laugh, he does what he can for her, including cash and lifts. This is absolutely not a new situation.

Do you not remember your first love as a teen.

The fuck off then is wrong but she probably did feel bottom of the list. Step dads dealing with the toddler how is washing up say more important than a lift. In her eyes.

You’re pushing her to him. I must admit I don’t recall ever cleaning the bathroom untill I have my own house, then again I wasn’t leaving toothpaste spit or skid marks or anything so it wouldn’t of even crossed my mind at the time to say wipe down the tiles in the shower.

Her washing. Most uni students even still come home with bags of washing on break so it’s not exactly again out of the norm.

They may split up, but if she feels trapped there because she feels she can’t come home that relationship will last longer than it should.

also the other side this could be the man she marries so you do still need to keep your opinion of him and their relationship at minimum neutral.

Key point again FEELS I said feels, her feelings just like yours. You might not understand she feels pushed out or that you’re shitting on her relationship and life because it’s her feelings. Just like yours feel this way about her being come so much. Not a big deal to her hurt feelings for you.

@allhappybunnies
Everything you describe - that was the relationship I had with her until very recently. And now it's just ... gone? Can you not see why this hurts so much? I don't know how to get that back because she just does not want to be here at the moment.

I would not encourage any 18 year old (or any young person), who has been going out with someone for only a few months, to move in with their new 'boy / girlfriend' - that has disaster all over it! Please do NOT do this.

Her language was rude but at least she apologised - she has self reflection which is good.

I don't think it's unreasonable to have your DD home a few nights a week - if only for a bit of separation, it's not healthy to just see him all the time. He could be a nice chap but she also needs time for friends and family.

I think you have a few issue you are conflating.

The rejection now she 18 wanting independence - get it hated it with DD1 but ultimately a needed thing. Hurts need not to lash out because of it.

Her more general behavior - swearing/letting you down - unacceptable - needs to be calmly pointed out as such - pointing out she an adult and need to behave like it might work.

Housework - neither DH nor I were expect to do this even when studying at a-level but we were expected to pitch in when asked - done same with the kids. However if this is causing flash points - I'd say pick your battles and let go for the moment.

Her not being home studying - I'd be very worried here she doing A-levels is she keeping up with the work. I'd check in with her and college if possible - and emphasis how important it is and try and get her focused on next steps.

The boyfriend and study/future - with DD1 we lucked out GF was studious - Dsis had working BF and while managed at home with A-levels - lasted a week at uni and then moved in with boyfriend to one room in his extended kin network for 3 years - she then worked p/t studied and lived with him - now bitterly regrets it but that took many years later after bitter break up. So I'd be worried he's a negative influence - but you need to be careful as she won't see that.

Ultimations - demands when she is around - all sound like bad ideas - you need to work out what will bring her home more not drive her away into BF arms.

This is why many parents are very welcoming to GF/BF at this age so they can keep an eye out and counter any unwelcome influences - not sure if you are still in range of being able to met BF - lord knows what she said to him about you but he seems hostile to you - but if you get a chance try and meet and get on with him. Pitting you against him isn't helpful place to be and harms your DD.

You need home to be welcoming to her- not a place of demand and conflict - and yes that's hard but being so defensive isn't helping you see clearly - saying she need to move out as you want her home - wtf are you doing playing silly games - she may be 18 but you are still the adult and that often sucks but you need to act like it.

This is a phase -if you play it right - trying as hell but if you don't start of a huge crack in your ongoing relationship.

I am not sure why you’ve quoted my post, and not addressed anything I’ve written about the OP’s defensiveness and past trauma playing out in the relationship with her daughter.

I am not interested in judging the OPs daughter’s relationship. It has only been 8 weeks and to be honest, you sound hysterical with all the ‘married couple’ hyperbole. It is very common for teenage relationships to be intense and all consuming, it is certainly not something which usually drives mothers into a pit of despair and frustration, feeling utterly rejected. There is a lot more going on for the OP than just her daughter being in a relationship. Her reaction is disproportionate to the situation. It is also very telling that the OP hasn’t met the boyfriend after 2 months, and that both her daughter and the boyfriend feel more comfortable at his house. Even just from reading the posts the atmosphere seems tense and unwelcoming, a very unhelpful start to trying to build a relationship with the boyfriend.

We only know the OPs side and I think the daughter’s perspective would be very different. It is incredibly unlikely that the OPs emotional state has not impacted her daughter or their interactions. It is also highly likely that her daughter has confided in her boyfriend about her issues with the OP. If a dynamic is toxic/enmeshed then I think it is reasonable to suggest the daughter hangs up the phone rather than engage in further argument with her mother. The OP has shown herself to be argumentative and combative on this thread so it is not hard to imagine this tipping over into her real life interactions.

Rather than encouraging the OP to put all blame onto her daughter’s boyfriend of 8 weeks, it would be more helpful to encourage her to seek psychological therapy to gain insight into her feelings and behaviours. It seems the OP does not want to look in the mirror though, and instead continues picking and choosing responses which confirm her narrative (which is the minority). OP would be wise to focus on bettering her own relationship with her daughter rather than tearing down her daughter’s new relationship out of fear and rejection.

At 6pm an 18 year old should be more than able to get a bus home unless there are some sort of extenuating circumstances

You have been given numerous advice about how to get it back which you continue to ignore as you will not take any personal responsibility.

the reason you can’t pick her up is because of the younger sibling. Does this happen often that the younger child’s needs are prioritised over hers? I know the younger child obviously needs a lot more time and care, but 18 is still a child. Could the swearing be frustration from “no” always being due to the younger sibling? Does your daughter feel she’s never the priority?
The fact it’s even gotten to the stage of her not staying at home sounds like she isn’t a priority.

@Plastictrees can you just leave it now please? I'm trying to actually take some helpful things from this thread and all you've done is be argumentative with everything. It's my thread and I'm free to engage in it how I see fit and find helpful, you're brining nothing constructive and many others are. So if you wouldn't mind.

Absolutely agree, this jumped out at me too. Stepdad too busy with toddler to help, mum too busy cleaning (WTF with the cleaning?!), they want her bigger room now for toddler’s toys. She needs to do chores for two nights a fortnight, doing A levels and needs to pay board. Their way or the fuck off to the boyfriend’s mum’s place way.

I don’t think this is a wind up, but I wish it was.

Poor kid. Cinder-fuckin’-rella

@whatnow5 did you deliberately miss the part where I (several times) stated that both me and her stepdad try to give her lifts (or cash for Ubers so she doesn't have to use the bus) as much as we possibly can? That month, we might have said yes to 8 out of 10 requests for example. There will be times however that it's more tricky, for various reasons not just relating to her younger sister, and that's just life. Our family can't revolve its schedule around her requests for lifts unfortunately, she's 18 and capable of using public transport when we aren't available.

Poor kid. Cinder-fuckin’-rella

Fuck me is this a joke 😂😂😂

Sadly not. Can’t you see it?

Glad it made you laugh though.

@Haggia yes, cleaning. You know, the thing that only 2 of the 3 adults here are seemingly capable of doing. It does need doing you know, we can't live in a fucking shit tip

@Haggia no mate I can't see it and you absolutely have to be on the fucking wind up here, so good luck to you.

Nope. Let’s see what others think.

Editing to add - you’re swearing like a fishwife but can’t understand why she does?

Over and out 😂

Do you have any intention on seeking any mental health support or are you going to continue arguing with strangers on the internet? What function is this serving for you?

I am very sad for you. You seem utterly self absorbed and unable to recognise any good advice, even if it’s shouted at you by the majority of posters. It has been a fruitless exercise attempting to help you and I shall waste my time no more, and encourage others to do the same.

Yes I see it now actually! Yes, I absolutely do. I recall vividly that scene in Cinderella where she was given lifts 8 times out of 10, transferred her £££ for Ubers so she didn't have to get the bus, was told it was an open house policy pretty much for any of her friendship group, was text daily asking if she wants tea making today or not, had her pile of washing done for her, the shower cleaned after she used it so she didn't need to .... extra cash transferred for hair appointments when she'd spent her wages on nights out... mum offering to sit and help with her a level coursework.

Yes I remember that part, and I totally see your point now! 🤔🙄