To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

[teenmumstress24]

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

• constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
• never doing any housework
• never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
• letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
• more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
• boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

I’m with you. OP you sound really aggressive - it’s probably easier to take it out on others than accept responsibility for your own failings. The deterioration in your relationship with your older daughter isn’t one-sided. The sooner your accept responsibility for the part you have played in that, the better. You’re not doing much parenting if she is allowed to stay with a boyfriend practically full time.

Good luck with your new second family - maybe you’ll do a better job next time around.

@Haggia
I know this might seem like a difficult concept for you, but, you do understand that people will engage differently with online anonymous strangers than their own children ???? 🤦🏼‍♀️

Yeah you'd "seem aggressive" too with the absolute nonsense spouted on here about your life 🙄

Once again

I have read and taken MANY helpful pieces of advice, thank you. As you'd see, if you'd read my replies. You don't actually get to dictate which replies I respond to or find helpful, right?

What are you on about! Why would she need psychological therapy over perfectly normal reactions- and you talk of hyperbole!! It is 'normal' or not out of the ordinary to feel a certain way, even as a Mother. So the young adult can express her emotions on the situation and that is perfectly regular and not need therapy but a Mother has to park all emotions when she gives birth, no longer permitted to feel anything because now she is a Mother and naturally what she feels, doesn't matter! She is now a robot and is there just to serve and accommodate everyone else! I won't tell you what I think of that but frankly I refuse to bring my teenagers up to believe only their feelings count, to be self centred and DH and I don't infantalise our DS who is young adult which is what your kind of advice leads to- I e 30 year olds that think the whole world owes them!

Do you have late teenagers? As it really doesn't sound like you do if you are comfortable to give up their prospects for married life!

People wonder why they get aggressive responses back with that utter vitriol being thrown at me - a snarky "good luck with your second family". Vile.

Like mother like daughter eh? 😂😂😂

@teenmumstress24

In case you missed it amongst the other responses - here's a post of mine a couple of pages back. It may contain some advice you find helpful. :)

I don't think it is reasonable to insist that your daughter is home for a set number of days/nights per week. (Though I understand why you would wish to do this and I sympathise with your feelings that you are losing your previous relationship with your daughter.)

However, you would not be being unreasonable in establishing basic grounds rules of mutual respect. This is only natural when you have multiple people sharing a space (which your daughter is technically doing, even though she's currently rarely there.)

In some respects, it seems like your daughter is behaving like a typical teenager in the throes of newfound love. She has only been with her boyfriend for a few months and it all feels fresh and exciting and she's very much in that besotted stage right now. That's pretty much par for the course for most people at the start of a relationship, regardless of how old they are - there's that initial period where you can barely stop thinking about them.

In other respects, however, your daughter seems to be being thoughtless at best and at worst, disrespectful to you. So I think there's nothing wrong with making it clear that there are expectations of a basic decent level of behaviour.
The issue is in how you communicate this to her without it seeming like you're lecturing her or having a bit of of a go at her. You wouldn't necessarily be wrong to have a go at her about it, but practically, doing so would probably only make her angry and bull-headed. So you'd need to think about how you can raise these points with her in a way which is unlikely to make her feel defensive.

I'm very sorry about the emotional distress this is causing you, and you are doing the right thing by trying to seek some treatment for it. If you are already taking the necessary medication, I hope it helps.

If possible, try to get your daughter alone for a bit when she is in the house. I presume on the nights that she is there, she spends some of the time alone in her bedroom? You could go upstairs, knock on the door and ask if you could have a chat. It's important that any conversation you have with her is done from a place of calmness, so I would advise making sure that you are in as calm a headspace as possible before doing so.

I would suggest framing the situation as an issue of mutual respect for each other. You could begin by telling your daughter outright that you respect the fact that she has a new boyfriend and you're happy for her that she is so happy and excited. Make it obvious that you respect her as an individual and understand why, at this age, and in these circumstances, she is enjoying having an independent life away from her parent.

(I'm not saying that you don't already respect these needs of hers, just saying that it may help to literally spell it out to your daughter if you haven't said so already.)

@SorcererGaheris yes I did read that, and it was very balanced and helpful - thank you. Apologies I hadn't responded before, the thread is moving fast and I'm having to filter out a lot of deliberate unpleasantness unfortunately. Thanks again.

@whatnow5
I'd like to think I've taught my daughter to tell bullies to fuck off, so yeah, I hope she is like me in that sense 👍🏻

Yes this. Make your house welcoming to them both and you'll probably see much more of her as a result.

Your advice is awful, you are just for some reason only known to yourself being nasty to someone online! It is so transparent.

The real question here is did you actually have any boundaries and rules in place previously. I asked you earlier if she was expected to clean as a child and I can't see you've answered that.
I assume she didn't just start leaving fake tan in the shower on the day she turned 18. I assume, she really never had to take a bus before as you bailed her out and, I assume, you are still doing her washing instead of leaving it to pile up in her room.
So, in a way, you are giving her mixed messages. You are telling her she is an adult now who suddenly needs to do the things she was never expected to do before. At the same time, you are telling her she is a child who needs to be at home. 18 is already confusing as heck.

I'm out. I cannot put myself through this anymore with the absolutely vile individuals this thread is attracting.

Those who've helped, and who have been able to offer advice without being deeply unpleasant, genuinely thank you so much.

To everyone else, I actually pity you, that this is how you spend your Monday getting your kicks from unpleasantness to an online stranger at a really low ebb. Your own parents must be immensely proud. 🙄

She's moved out and occasionally comes back home to visit. If she's rude when she visits then tell her not to visit.

@Catza
In a previous reply I did actually acknowledge that it hasn't helped that I had no boundaries or rules previously. If you read my previous responses you will see that

You're welcome. It's a fast-moving thread at the moment, so I thought you might have missed it. I'm glad if you found it helpful.

While there may be some respects in which you are possibly reacting disproportionately (you've mentioned that your emotional well-being is being affected) I think some people are being unnecessarily harsh to you. As well as unnecessarily rude.

There may be aspects of your thought-processes to critique, but rudeness is uncalled for, and I'm sorry to see that you're getting some of that here.

I think you need to keep the whole "catch more flies with honey than vinegar" saying in mind if you try to discuss this situation with your daughter. Even in situations where the other person is completely in the wrong, it's usually best to start out with as non-accusatory approach as possible.

Sorry, why can't an 18 year old help out around the house just a bit so not leaving tan in the bathroom, hardly cleaning the oven out every night?

*You’re not doing much parenting if she is allowed to stay with a boyfriend practically full time.

Good luck with your new second family - maybe you’ll do a better job next time around.*

How can anyone on here think that 👆🏻 is any way constructive or helpful, and doesn't warrant rudeness in return? Unbelievable what's is allowed to stand on here.

Apologies, the thread is moving equally fast for me as it does for you so I clearly missed it.
You are right, it probably doesn't help but then I suppose you can at least relate to how she might be feeling. The family dynamic is no longer the way she is used to it being. Her personal relationships have changed and she is probably a little confused about what the rules of this new life are.
And when young people are confused, they lash out or withdraw. These are often the only tools available to them.
A calm sit down and a conversation about then new way of doing things may really be all that's needed. If both of you can arrive at this calm space to have one.

It's a good job I'm not suicidal isn't because fuck me this thread would have finished that off, truly. Just awful.

I literally already feel like an awful mum, I've said I feel so guilty and responsible for her not wanting to be around me anymore and why the sudden change. I'm awake all night beating myself up about what I got so wrong, and how I've lost her.

And I've got people saying stuff like that to me. Like seriously, how can anyone be that unpleasant.

😔

You have not read the thread properly. The OP has stated several times that she has experienced previous trauma which she thinks may be being triggered in this situation now. I’m a psychologist and just from reading the posts it is clear that the OP needs psychological support. It is terrible feeling so distressed and rejected at a time of great happiness for her daughter. I won’t be responding to you further as your tangeants are irrelevant.

No it’s not reasonable of you at all. She’s being 18 and you want her to be a combination of 9 and 45. Good luck with that. You know that old saying if you love someone let them go…. That.

Yes very!!!