To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

[teenmumstress24]

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

• constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
• never doing any housework
• never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
• letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
• more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
• boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

@JHound
Eldest DD's room is the only bedroom on the first floor. We live in a two storey house, me and my partner and our toddler have the two rooms on top floor. It worked out better that way while she was a tiny as were nearer to her for night wake ups, and eldest was happy as she'd hit the jackpot with the biggest room. Now toddler is older, she doesn't necessarily need to be on the same floor as us and could do with more space for her toys etc.

No it doesn't sound reasonable at all. It's entirely normal to spend little time at home when you're 18 because you want to be with your mates or your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Why would she need to contribute towards food shopping when she isn't there, or to do chores when she isn't contributing to any mess?

If she says she's going to do something then absolutely she should see it through. And your issue of lifts has seemingly resolved itself anyway.

You're going to completely push her away.

Yes, the boyfriend involving himself like that is very telling- he's an 18 year old kid who knows nothing about you. I would not tell my DH who I have known for 20 years to hang up on his Mum and she can be very difficult but it isn't my place.

Yes - my partner sajd the same. We've been together 9 years and he's got a good relationship with my dad but he wouldn't dream of involving himself in a disagreement between the two of us like that. He'd obviously have an opinion and be supportive of me, but he would not openly direct me to "hang up on him" when my Dad could hear. It's so disrespectful.

You've had some great advice OP.
I think it's normal for us mums to grieve for the life we once had when things were all well.
I think all you can do is just fake that it is not eating you up..find some things to do that you enjoy with your other DC and just do it.
Give her some ground rules such as she should let you know if she is coming for dinner so you know about planning for food, you can't drop everything and give lifts etc
She may not want you to get involved in her studies but you have every right to say what your hopes and aspirations are for her.
I tell my DD I want her to achieve her goals (she wants to go to uni but isn't putting the effort).
I have told her once she has finished A levels, I expect her to do something full time of her choice..she has to either study or work or volunteer from 9 To 5, 5 days a week. She also has to pay for her own phone and socialising but I won't expect her to pay board.
This stage is hard as they metamorphise to becoming adults. If you step away and stay detached but still show you are living your life she will be curious and want to engage with you better.
Hang in there..it will all be ok in the end

Xx

@DelicateSoundOfEchos
She comes home briefly to shower, as I've said, and those times she does eat here too. Not always, but sometimes. And as I've said, leaves all her washing in the main washing pile.

I almost thought you were my ds’s gf’s mum, were a few details not different! They’re young, they’re in love, of course they want to be together as much as possible. They spend most of their time here because there are no younger siblings and, from what I can tell, a more relaxed atmosphere. Her parents also phone yelling / guilting her to go home, and when she gets upset I can imagine him telling her to hang up, not because he’s ‘trash’ but because he hates seeing her unhappy.
I would take a step back, take the pressure off, and leave the door open. By all means get help for your mental health (well done on taking the step of seeing the GP if you’re struggling) but never make her feel she’s responsible for your happiness. None of us know if these young relationships will last, we can just be there as a supportive presence either way.

OP her boyfriend is different to her mates because he is probably the love of her life at the moment. She doesn't want him hanging around with you and little sister because she wants to spend her time with him all loved up, with out any interruptions from little sisters etc. Yes there is the possibility of a controlling relationship but far more likely is they are at the place where it is easiest to facilitate their physical relationship

What about this girl's A levels and future prospects, having an intense married life with a boyfriend at this age in sixth form college is completely ridiculous! A complete hands off approach won't receive any thanks in ten years time and she blames her Mum for not going to uni! There's plenty of time to play married couples when you are in your twenties, teen relationships should be frivolous and fun and not involve your new pseudo teen husband, instructing you to put your phone down on your Mum. My DS is the same age he wouldn't dream of getting involved with any arguments between his girlfriend and her Mum as he's not an obnoxious, disrespectful young man!

Have you read This Be the Verse by Phillip Larkin OP- you can't win!

By the way my 10 and 12 year old do their own washing for the most part.
We remind them it needs putting on at the weekend (any really disgusting clothes midweek e.g. fallen in the mud, you've been sick, we do them!), hang up most of it (or persuade Dad to do it - I don't!), put it away before bed/before getting TV time.
So for an 18 year old this is a bare minimum.

You want her to spend time at home with you, just for the sake of being at home, but she's only been with her boyfriend 8 weeks and she's smitten for the first time. Why aren't you inviting him over with her?

@HowAmITheCatsGranny
I don't call her yelling at her to go home and I have never once said I do. The phone argument was on the back of her telling me and my partner to "fuck off then" because we couldn't facilitate a lift in that precise moment. I do not call her at all when she's there. That was the one time I had a heated conversation with her that he overheard because of that situation. That's it. Otherwise, there's minimal contact when she's there.

Op, does boyfriend live with his parents or does he have his own place, is he also a student? I have read all your posts so if I have missed those details, I apologise. I was thinking that if he lives with mum snd dad, they will surely get fed up with his girlfriend staying over so often and will also be concerned about his studies.

As she is still in education and dependent on you, she really should be at home more during term time. I don't know what you can do about it, frankly. She doesn't listen to you at the moment.

I wondered if she feels she is rather superfluous to the family now, since you have a little one. Does she get on with your partner?

Sorry if I appear to be praying but these could be contributing factors.

Going to the doctor for tranquilisers seems a bit OTT, frankly. They are not good for your health anyway and the problem still exists.

Teenagers are often difficult, you are not alone in experiencing that but it doesn't last forever. Boyfriend doesn't sound very good if he was telling her to hang up on you. What a cheek, you're her mum! However shrieking at her does no good at all.

Tell her she is responsible for her own laundry and must clean the bath and toilet after use, then try to ignore (not easy but possible). I hope it sorts itself out.

And, I should add, he only overheard because she chose to put the call on loudspeaker.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. My son's 18 and doing A levels and no way would I let him sleep elsewhere during the week. He does ask for lifts all the time though. If he's rude to me I would not put up with it, there needs to be a limit. I don't ask him to do housework or pay board (he has a PT job) though he can do his washing and cook some things himself.
Everyone's different though. Some families are ok with teenagers going feral but it would stress me out. It is very hard to parent someone who is technically an adult but who still needs lifts, meals and money.
Is she staying with BF because you don't let him stay over in her room, but his mum lets them? Could you let him stay at yours, to keep her at home? I don't think I would, but it might be an option for you.

OP,
If she just leaves her clothes in the pile, and isn't home, just stop doing her washing

I did arrange to meet him, as previously stated. He cancelled.

Thanks so much for this post. I was starting to doubt myself. 18 year olds who are still doing A levels living as if they’re married and off doing what they want. I’m sorry but in my mind it is totally disrespectful and whilst they’re still in full time education it’s not ok to come and go as they wish and treat the house like a hotel. No way would I be having my 18 year old staying out most nights and neither would I be very happy that they had a boyfriends mum facilitating this. It’s madness

@LBFseBrom
Lives with mum, just the two of them, doing an apprenticeship so no college or uni studies. She says his mum is "lovely" and happy for her to be there as often as she is.

The problem here then is that she is welcome in his family home, but he isn't welcome in yours. This is why she wants to be there more than home.

OP I think your taking her actions as personal and they are not. You haven't done anything wrong as mom, she is just growing up.

Your situation is not unique and is mirrored in almost every mothers lives at that age.

I was the same at that age, didn't want to be at home because its boring - spent years there and if its just boyfriend and his mom, they probably get time to feel 'alone'.

Your reading so so deeply into her actions, its only been 8 weeks and your telling her to move out! Just calm down, rationalise this and make your peace.

Your just going to push her away.

My dad did this to me when I was always with my boyfriend. All it did was push me away, he gave me so much grief about everything and anything whenever I was at home that I ended up avoiding home unless I really needed something.

She's 18 not 13, stop trying to be so controlling!

Your house so your rules. Decide what you want and tell her. If you want her to move rooms then she should. But trouble is you don't want her to move out entirely but this is the risk you have to take if you want things to change. Otherwise things will go on as they are.

@KangaRoo00
What's controlling? List everything I am currently doing that is "controlling". I'll wait.

Ps I meant 'prying', not praying.

@RainyDayCoffee
Thank you for your post, very insightful and helpful x