To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

[teenmumstress24]

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

• constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
• never doing any housework
• never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
• letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
• more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
• boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

No, don’t do her laundry. Just leave it in her room. No drama, not your concern. It doesn’t sound like she’s at home too much to make a mess, so maybe drop that grievance for now.

To me, it sounds like you are playing tit for tat. Cut her some slack, she’s studying for her A levels, she’s in her own world, let her on with it for now. Cut the crap about her moving bedrooms until after her A levels, stop mentioning charging for board and having to do chores, given that she’s so seldom in your house.

For now, message her once a week, asking how she is, how’s studying, has she any news, etc, that you’re looking forward to seeing her at some point, mention what you’re doing, you know you’re always welcome here and leave it at that for now. Keep it light-hearted,

You are picking and choosing what suits your narrative and ignoring the rest.

It sounds very fraught which can lead to irrational or knee jerk reactions.

I think you need to try and talk it out over a relaxed lunch somewhere. She will hopefully put her defences down a bit and be more amenable to compromise.

It's very normal to be completely consumed by a first true love.

Something has gone a bit wrong in the dynamic between you if when you tell her she needs to be home on weeknights, she thinks she can just ignore that.
At 18 no way would i have completely disobeyed my parents in that way, not while i was dependent on them.
I notice OP tho that you talk about missing time spent with your daughter and i wonder whether you've wanted to be her 'friend' too much over the years rather than her parent and so now she doesn't have the respect for you that she ought to have. Discovering some independence as a teen is one thing but she's still in fulltime education and still a dependent on you so you need to assert yourself a bit, have a conversation and give her a stern talking to about the expectation shes home monday - thursday evenings. And then the first monday she doesn't show, drive to the boyfriends and explain to his parents you are taking your daughter home!!

I am finding some of your posts very frustrating OP.

There is lots of praise for posters who are saying exactly the same things as others but they are wrapping it up in a way that makes it look like they are "on your side" but you are quite dismissive of anyone you perceived to challenge you. For that reason I feel that I'm having to be very very careful of what I say here as I don't want to make your mental health worse.
Is it possible that your DD feels the same and is walking on eggshells around you?

If I were you, I'd ask the GP for talking therapies, I don't think that there's a quick fix medication for this and sleeping meds are really not advisable anymore.

I know it hurts when they move away (and sixth form is young) however I'd give her the space she's asking for.
Put your own focus on building some real life support networks for yourself and spending quality time with your own DP and 3 year old. Let the heat and angst go out of your relationship before trying to enforce rules.

I really hope things work out.

I've just had a quick read of your responses and im sorry you are getting negative replies.

As i say im on a similar situation, but me its its DS18. Jan this year we converted a downstairs room into a bedroom for him, within 2days of completion his GF17 moved in "by stealth" as i put it at the time! Stayed a few nights, then more etc until they were both here fulltime. Its became alot and i'll be honest i didnt handle it well, petty fights were had and then a few months ago he started staying at hers virtually ever night.

I miss him so much and it really hurts that he has chosen to live with another "mother" and i know people will judge me that, but its true!

My DH wants him to move in GF fulltime so he can have his room for an office, but ive said no, he's too young, this is home. He doesnt pay rent either here or there, but pays alot of travel to get to work (apprentice) buys takeaways, pay for his own toiletries etc. My DS17 is at college and works part-time, but i dont expect rent while they are in education.

I do sometimes do his washing and cook, but only because im doing it for others in the house. And i'll be honest, cooking is my "love language"

I dont expect him to housework, but i do expect the room to be kept clean and tidy (it was a pigsty when they were here fulltime).

They stay maybe 1-2 nights a week. Is the boyfriend allowed/feels welcome to stay? It took me a long while to get comfy with her being here, but once i got to know her, she's very sweet (if very lazy and doesnt come from a great family) We even brought her on holiday with us in Oct. If you arent already, make an effort to get him to stay, get to know him, invite them both for dinner if you havent already.

Sorry im rambling, my point is your DD is only young and very much in love and this is new and exciting and she's probably loving the Independence, i know my DS is and as he thinks he's grown up and tells me not to baby him, but he still messages me at 6am when his train is delayed and what he should do!!

Talk to her, calmly, tell her you miss her, her family misses her. You dont want all her time, just a little more than at the moment.

There is absolutely nothing wrong in how you feel, its just frowned upon on here to want to still be involved in your kids lives at 18. Hope that helps x

@ThatTealViewer
I'll stay on my own thread as much as I like, thanks. And I'm staying because amongst all the guff, there's some helpful, empathic and supportive posters.

You can't really control an 18 year old. I have a daughter the same age and i've laid the ground rules with her boyfriend which she resepects and abides to. They are no mid week sleep overs as it's important to focus on her education and not be distratced (she is ambitious so understands this boundry) weekends she can have sleepovers.
You mention that you don't take money from your daughter even though she has a part time job, good, I absolutely do not agree with taking money off of children whilst they are still in education. I give my daughter pocket money and she works to pay for extras and to put petrol in her car that she wanted to run as she likes the independence.
We do clash (sometimes quite spectacularly) however trying to come down like a ton of bricks on a teenager rarely works, becomes a battle of the wills. You ned to sit down and have a long talk about respect, boundareis and aspirations for the future.

Don't fall into the trap of blaming the boyfriend. All that will do I push them together because if you criticise him she will be thinking of ways to defend him.. it will make the whole thing more intense. Dramatic forbidden love. They will unite against you. You won't be able to compete with this boy giving her undivided attention and promising her the world and saying whatever she wants to hear. Don't go down the route of trying to criticise him or blame him.
Stay neutral.
I'm telling you this as someone who left home at 16 and never returned because my parents took against my boyfriend.
Don't push her away from you into his arms. Just let it run it's course abd don't interfere. It will burn itself out naturally eventually anyway.

I think you are reacting quite extremely to the whole situation and it only stands to make it worse. There's not much you can do but emotionally detach and rude it out.
Obviously pull her up if she swears at you.. but don't catastrophise.. this is normal teenage stuff.. she doesn't hate you, she won't be like this forever.
She loves you she just doesn't want to spend time with you right now cuz she's caught up in her own world which is absolutely normal for an 18 year old. It won't last forever.

You are picking and choosing what suits your narrative and ignoring the rest.

I am picking and choosing what is HELPFUL to me. Quite a normal human behaviour.

She's got a new boyfriend it's exciting and all encompassing at 18 (hopefully he's nice) I'd ask her to keep the bathroom clean, her room tidy and to clean up after herself other than that I'd sit back and not try to control anything else. She's a young adult it won't be like it forever. Is she having driving lessons? It's good she's becoming independent if you try and clip her wings now you may end up pushing her away. I wouldn't be doing her washing she's old enough to do that but I'd be pleased when you see her be interested and let her get on with things.

Ahh OP I get it then - that's really tough when it was just you two as a little team for a long time.

She will come back - like I said me and my mum have such a laugh together now, I just had to go off for those few years and be an "adult" (or at least pretending to be!)

Believe though you are her safe space 100 percent. She knows you are there and always will be for her. It may seem like the boyfriend is right now but really it's not.

I think you may be spot on with this - I haven't been boundaried enough thus far and now she doesn't respect me at all does she.

Thought as much.

She’s acting a dick. However I was also a bit of a dick at that age and so were a lot of us I bet - I think it’s relatively normal, and usually the closest “safe” person - aka mum - bears the brunt.

The fact you are taking it so personally and emotively is not fair. Yes, be annoyed at her behaviour and read her the riot act. She should not be swearing at you. She should be helping clean the bathroom and paying her way a bit. However you seem to place a lot of your own happiness on what your daughter does? That is a lot of pressure for her. You also can’t force her to stay at home.

She should not bear the responsibility for your mental wellbeing at that age. So it’s good you are going to the GP.

I'm sorry you feel like this but I think you need to go back to the GP for enhanced mental health support. You are only responding constructively to the more positive comments, but absolutely enraged by any criticism.

I understand you are upset but I would urge you to think about how your daughter feels. It sounds like you only wanted everyone to say how mean and unreasonable your daughter is but clearly that didn't happen.

People can call it what you like. It sounds like it's a statement of fact given what you've said rather than a desperate accusatory dramatic statement. If you start adding in detail that you are so upset you are taking medication then you are firmly in emotional blackmail territory. She's a normal 18 year old doing normal self absorbed things, she's not responsible for your mental health. I could understand the dramatics if she was deep in drug use or something.

If it is framed as an apology for being constantly on her case when she walks in the door then it's also a way to open a door to a simple conversation with her. Not a shouting match about treating the house like a hotel.

She's 18, she has A-Levels, study [hopefully] and job and a boyfriend. She also has to split her time between you and her father. It's a fair amount for anyone her age to juggle especially if she's at an intense stage in a relationship and in particular if he's not supportive of study.

I really feel for you as someone who would probably want to respond just like you have, but as an outsider can see that that’s not working.

i don’t think her behaviour is super-uncommon at her age - I vaguely remember some Jilly Cooper quote about teenagers severing the umbilical cord with a rusty knife. I know other mums who have had great relationships with their child, but then it’s all gone to hell when they’ve got to the mid-late teens. It must feel so painful and sad and hurtful.

This is my two pence worth, which might not be worth much. What you’re doing right now isn’t having the desired effect, and repeating the same behavior probably will just end up with the same outcome. I am a class example of someone who does that quite a lot! I’m not judging, honestly.

My advice would be to stop doing the washing and let someone else have the bigger room. If you think she’d listen, then reiterate that you love her and miss her, but you understand that her her boyfriend is her world right now (even if you don’t!). You could request again that she not let down her little sister, but that might not make much difference. After that, I’d just drop the rope. Let your actions speak for themselves. She has a place with you and she’s welcome and it’s worth keeping paying for her phone just for the communication., But the house won’t revolve around her if she’s not there most of the time. I’d be a bit wary of demands and ultimatums…even if what you’re asking is reasonable, it won’t matter if it pushes her further away. Offer to do things with her every so often or let her know about family stuff she might like to come to, but don’t push it - be light and casual if you can!

I hope that helps - I know this is all easier said than done.

I think you need to give her a chance to miss you. She will feel that you telling her how much you miss her is you trying to make her feel guilty. Try and detach a bit more. Lots of 18 years olds are living away from home and see their parents much less than you see your daughter at the moment.

She is obviously besotted with this new boyfriend and begrudges any time away from him. Try not to take it personally. If this is affecting your mental health so badly, it is a good idea to see your GP and hopefully they will also recommend some counselling.

Ah OP. I’m off because you’re going in circles and picking and choosing what suits your own narrative. It’s interesting you haven’t actually said once what you’re going to change yourself for the betterment of the relationship.

Not when it’s unhelpful for you. You are continuously argumentative and refusing to take any responsibility for your part in things - sound familiar?

@Strawberrysaucee
I can't thank you enough for sharing that. It's made me very emotional. Thank you. I really needed to read that x

And then the first monday she doesn't show, drive to the boyfriends and explain to his parents you are taking your daughter home!!

She's 18 and a legal adult. If she never sets foot back at home again, there is nothing the OP can do. One way of ensuring that is to follow the advice above.

Yes, I agree with this, I have a similar age DS with a girlfriend that is quite serious and he wants to see her but we gave been focusing on guidance on his education, e.g Friday just gone I helped him submit UCAS review application service. The education would be key to me as this is her future, there is a lot of competition out there so if she is serous about uni, then that's where your concerns should be as there is loads to do for that end goal. Is the boyfriend at college? It is hard but IME the more they know you are judging the more defensive they get about their decisions. My son and I have a common interest in politics so I find this keeps the relationship quite strong as he'll seek me out to talk about that stuff that has interested him in the news. It's like a neutral conversation point that keeps the connection strong.

I think taking her room away will just make her dislike being at home more. I personally think, and it's easier said than done, you just need to chill out a bit. I think you're over thinking it and letting how you feel about the situation take over. She's in a new exciting relationship and of course enjoys spending time with him.

I also think pointing out that she's changed since meeting him is going to push her further away. She won't want them to spend time at your house if you're making the odd remark about him.

I really think you should let this period of time go by while being a bit relaxed.

Similarly with the house work, how much does she need to contribute if she's not really there ?

This could be make or break for your future relationship. Obviously she needs to be respectful but Similarly she maybe needs a bit of space. It's very normal for young adults to pull away and while distressing, they usually come back round.