To stipulate minimum number of nights at home for DD?

[teenmumstress24]

DD turned 18 a few months ago. Her 18th birthday coincided with her meeting a new boyfriend who she is inseparable from. She spends around 1-3 nights per fortnight at home, and that's only to sleep / occasionally grab food or a shower. She doesn't converse with anyone (unless to ask for lifts or to borrow cash), and she certainly doesn't do any housework. Since this time there have been numerous issues and arguments; mostly around the following themes:

• constant requests for lifts from me or partner (although this has declined since her boyfriend passed his driving test a few weeks ago as he's seemingly the taxi now)
• never doing any housework
• never being at home long enough to converse with anyone and all her interactions being requests for something
• letting me and her little sister down after agreeing to do something with us and then dropping us in favour of the boyfriend (little sister is only 3 so doesn't understand and gets very upset about her big sister not being there)
• more recently me and my partner (her step dad) we're both told to "fuck off" when we were unable to facilitate a lift whilst juggling bedtime and household tasks between us after work one evening (she later apologised for this; but it's left a very sour taste)
• boyfriend got involved in disagreement following the above incident, and whilst I was the on the phone to her during a heated discussion about that, I was apparently on loudspeaker as I could hear the boyfriend chirping up "just hang up on her" (to my daughter about me)

I'm at my wits end and I can't take anymore. I've contact the GP for some medication to take the edge off because I feel so low and as though I've basically lost my daughter. I've tried telling her miss her, I'm sad about it all, I want her to spend more time at home, etc. She still doesn't. All I get from her is, "it's normal for me to want to be at his house more often he's a new boyfriend". However, she makes time for her dad, her dad's side of the family, my sister (her aunt who's she close to), her friends, and her boyfriend. The only person she lets down and seems to not want to be around is me.

She pays no board (she's at college and works part time earning only about £70-100 a week so I've never taken any money off her). I pay for her phone contract. She doesn't contribute to the food shop here but does buy her own takeaways etc . Her only regular bill is a gym membership.

I've suggested to her since she appears to not live here anymore that she moves out and pays her boyfriends mum board? The response was "I don't want to move out". But 1-3 nights here a fortnight on average would suggest she pretty much has moved out. She has the largest room in the house and it's just wasted space, it's never occupied.

My AIBU is, would I be unreasonable to stipulate that if she wants to continue to live here that I put in place the following rules:

1- she actually occupies her room more regularly than 1-3 times a fortnight? So set a minimum number.
2- she pulls her weight with household tasks and until I see her doing so on a regular basis without any prompting or nagging, I will charge her board. I will stop charging board once she pulls her weight regularly.

Does this sound reasonable? My head is a total mess with it all, I'm struggling to disentangle the emotion from the practical side, so it may come across as garbled. I'm not a good place with it all tbh as I feel so lost and as though she just dislikes me for some reason 😔

Any help appreciated.

Kindly OP. If you're sobbing for hours and having panic attacks over what is a pretty normal stage of the teenage process, I think you need to see your GP for some anti-anxiety medication, and find a good local person centred therapist to start seeing for an hour or 2 a week.

Her behaviour isn't particularly unusual for an 18 year old, and you need to work on ensuring that your reactions to this do not alienate her or push her away from you.

No 18 year old wants to be responsible for their mums feelings, so definitely don't send any emotionally pleading messages.

i think you need to ride out the storm
be welcoming of the boyfriend.
dont make plans around her

It might be helpful to try and look at other viewpoints constructively, rather than seeing them as attacks though. Because this may help you see things from your DD perspective? I’m not saying she’s not in the wrong, but maybe there is a reason for the behaviour if it’s specific to you. Do you have a bit of a victim mentality? I don’t mean this to be attacking. I acknowledge I often react to criticism in a negative way! I’m trying to work on it. It seems like you are slightly over-reacting to the feeling of being rejected by your DD.

I don't understand where people are getting that I'm "constantly on her case when she walks in the door" ?? I haven't said this anywhere and I am absolutely not! I'm usually asleep in bed when she comes in as it's either really late, or I'm at work. Occasionally she will come in when I'm mid doing something with her little sister so we both say hi etc and try to engage / involve her, but she doesn't stick around for long. I am absolutely not banging on at her! I don't see her for that to even happen. The argument re being told to fuck off happened over the phone and by text. On the odd occasion she's home for more than 5 mins after catching up etc I have asked her to put a wash on / clean the bathroom etc when she gets a minute. But otherwise there is just no conversation at all.

And then the first monday she doesn't show, drive to the boyfriends and explain to his parents you are taking your daughter home!!

Never in the history of teenagers has this approach worked - you might win the battle but you won’t win the war!

that's okay, it will pass, honest.

@Rainbowdrop22
Thank you, that's very helpful. Thank you for taking the time to word it so respectfully and empathically.

i agree with going somewhere just the two of you, where you dont necessarily have to nag chat

This is exactly what myself and other posters are saying - the limited time you do see her, you nag her about housework. This isn’t conveying that you miss her, it conveys annoyance. I really think you’ll need to let these comments drop if you want to move forwards positively.

Hard as it is OP she is testing the waters at breaking away from her secure family attachments to form adult relationships. Yes, she’s being a bit of a dick because she is 18. My advice would be to let her go and be with her boyfriend, facilitate what you can in terms
of lifts. You don’t have to accept rudeness but I promise if you let her spread her wings she’ll come back and you will regain a new closeness as she becomes an adult. If you try to enforce more rules she is going to
push you away and act out and you could cause a permanent rift.

It seems pretty ordinary teenage behaviour to me in the sense that she's becoming more independent, has a new bf etc etc. I can't see how you can insist she stays at home a particular number of nights or that she cleans. Well except her own room I guess. Neither would I expect her to spend her time with you and her little sister. I wouldn't get into any more arguments with her or demand anything. It will only antagonise her and upset you and once the first flush of her new relationship starts to fade everything may change. I wouldn't be happy about her swearing at me or being on speakerphone during an argument but again very teenagery. Tell her to make sure that doesn't happen again.

Don't risk alienating her/losing her. The chances of them splitting is high.

I would tell her I am hurt at how she has changed towards the family. I would probably mention I overheard the BF in the background. Say you will always love her and always be there for her.

As the above tell her how lifts can and cannot work. Say you want to keep supporting her through A levels.

You’re welcome. I could be talking total crap and it’s all easy for me to say….i think the advice I gave you is what I wish I could do! I’m very emotional and don’t find it easy to not act out of emotion. It’s very much how my childhood was and I hate that I’m repeating those patterns.

Thank you. It is, absolutely the worst stage of parenting by far 😔

You’re at serious risk of destroying any relationship you have with your daughter if you continue trying to control her like this.
She apologised for telling you to fuck off. Let it go.

I left home properly about 6 months after returning from uni but this feels very familiar. I wouldn't have enjoyed the consequences if I'd told my parents to fuck off but times have changed.
It took me ages (years) to realise what my parents wanted from me was time. I was in and out a lot, rebuilding a social life (lots of friends had left the area) and starting a new job.
I got a lot of, 'Are you out AGAIN' and 'You treat this house like a hotel'. And having to pay rent! To live in my own home!
I realise this is painful and your daughter has hitched up with a wrong 'un but if you can, please have patience.
She's not at home so forget the chores. Maybe say she can do her washing on Sunday afternoons or whatever. Don't make her pay rent, she's not there and it makes the whole thing worse. Lifts are difficult, I realise.
To make her change room would just make the whole thing worse. Don't worry about meals, have a stock of freezer meals, just saves stress. Shut the door on her room and turn the heating down. Try not to comment about school work or being out again, just make sure she knows you love her.
Hang on in there, OP, it will pass.

Her behaviour is not of a normal young adult, despite what you read on MN. She uses your house as a hotel and uses you as a taxi service. She doesn't communicate with you at all except doing what she wants and telling you fuck off when she doesn't get it.

Time to cut the chord. She needs to learn how to be an adult away from you.

@Alondra
What would that look like? To cut the cord and let her get on with it?

i think at this age they do behave particularly badly so you will miss them less when the leave for university!

no dont cut any chords,
she is being an adult but still living in the family home
be patient op

Just you and her for 9 years and now a stepdad and new toddler sibling. You can sugar coat it as much as you like and you and new stepdad may have always been delightful to her but she will feel pushed out. Can you tell I grew up in a blended family.

She should do her own washing but apart from that just leave it. If you throw her out you may lose her. Plus apart from the Fuck off it’s not that bad.

Sometimes what is really helpful is hard to hear.

Op you are clearly struggling with your mental health and your DD's actions are triggering that. A lot of posters have said her behaviour is fairly standard teen stuff. My DS is only 11 so I haven't experienced it yet.

But whether it is typical or not, it is something you are clearly struggling with. I think you need to focus on trying to improve your mental health before saying/changing much with your daughter. At the moment your anxiety is driving the thought processes. I know from experience what a disaster that can be for decisions.

Once you have that under control a bit more, you may feel able to make more rational decisions.

You are obviously struggling and pps telling you that you shouldnt be isn't going to mean you stop struggling.

Going to the GPs for medication to help with the panic and anxiety is a good starting point. Can you afford counselling to help you work through your previous trauma and how your daughter is triggering that?

In the meantime I would tell your DD she needs to do her own washing. Put a laundry basket and airer in her room and then leave her to it.

The other stuff i would park for now until you feel a bit better mentally.

I'm baffled at some of the responses here. In the real world no one would be happy with their 18 year old - who is still at school - being away from home for days on end? Of course teenagers pull away but this is mad

OP - can your sister act as a mediator?

Instead of cutting the chord and fully losing her, damaging anything you have left, why not let all this go and start again. Tell her you want to start afresh and want to be a positive part of each others lives instead of anything negative. Allow her to be 18, but work with one another instead of against one another.