Sister getting married next week and I my heart is breaking

[Foinye]

I have posted about my bil to be on mumsnet before. And the consensus is that he sounds like a condescending, arrogant arsehole. But at the end of the day my sister has made her choice and all I can do is be there for her if/when it goes wrong. Mumsnetters have shared it’s clear that BIL to be wants to isolate my sister and I should not play into this. Sage advice.

I just feel sick to my stomach. My beautiful, strong and intelligent sister has made a choice so clearly a manifestation of childhood trauma (abusive father). She was head girl at a grammar school and now gets shushed at the dinner table! My sister has an amazing warm energy which people gravitate towards. She’s got this amazing charisma but it pales in comparison to her kindness. Last week she met a homeless man who has the same breed of dog as our parents. She went back the next day with dog grooming stuff. She’s just lovely.

But her fiance tries to diminish and shrink her. She’s only 32 but feels like time is not on her side re kids and has made a ‘sensible choice’ in her view. Her fiancé is financially sound, a doctor, has a good family etc. Basically the opposite of our father who could not provide at all.

We walked around a park this morning discussing final details and I could have burst out crying. I feel guilty for not being overjoyed at her happiness.

I want to shake her and beg her to not marry this weirdo.

I just don’t know how I will get through this next week. My brain is being so cruel and keeps flashing up images of her as an innocent child who I want to protect. I’m her older sister.

My brothers hate her fiancé also but we have all agreed we will make sure to always keep her in our lives and not make our relationships untenable for her.

Just had to share.

My friend married an absolute prick and everyone could see it but her.

I tried to talk to her about it in the early days but had to chose friendship instead and knew of it came down to it, she would cut me off.

All you can do is be there for her. Don't let him isolate her. It's what he wants. It took my friend years to leave but she eventually did.

It's so upsetting and difficult to watch but you can't stop her unfortunately.

Can your brothers and a few friends have a little word with him? A 'we love her and we're watching you' conversation.

Just be there for her and let her know whatever happens, she can call you

What a horrible post.

I think that says more about you rather than the OP to be honest. People Can and do lovely things like that for other people. Yet you think OP is a troll, because you can't conceive that what she said about what her sister did is true - therefore OP must be trolling.

FFS

I’d tell her once and once only, all together. Something like ‘we’re worried about you. We don’t like the way John behaves toward you. We’ve considered keeping quiet in case we cause offence because we know you’re an Adult and you love him. But we love you, you mean so much to us and we want you to know we aren’t going anywhere - we speak with love and respect for you. You are the best and you deserve the best.’

Just tell her that, and no more. Don’t try and talk her out of marrying him. Mostly it’s better just to state your thoughts and leave it there.

i suspect you know from what you’ve written OP why she’s doing this. Toxic childhoods can lead us into situations you’d expect anyone to run a mile from let alone people who ‘should’ instantly recognise the early indicators of abuse/coercive control etc. Before it’s all over I suspect you and your brothers will end up having to help her out of it.

Saying the above is unlikely to change anything atm and will be simply so she knows, when he turns on her properly, or makes her life intolerable, or is a bad father to their kids, that the people who love her most had misgivings and no matter what he says she’s NOT.the one in the wrong. But it may very well fall on deaf ears until she’s ready to hear it.
Doesn’t mean it should go unsaid either though.

Last week she met a homeless man who has the same breed of dog as our parents. She went back the next day with dog grooming stuff. She’s just lovely.

This isn't lovely it's ridiculous

She's your sister.. let her get on with her own life

The poor dog was matted. I have no idea why some people are being weird with the grooming thing. She literally picked up a comb and a brush from my mum and step dad’s house and gave it to the homeless man. I’m just trying to highlight her considerate nature. Some miserable people in the world.

This is a debate we’ve had within the family. How much do we say/share? One brother said he wanted to be totally candid, all cards on the table. My brother agreed with you that something needed to be said. But I feared this would just result in estrangement. So we sort of shared a sanitised list of reasons why as a family we have not embraced BIL to be. She was extremely defensive and made many excuses for BIL’s weird behaviour.

I just feel like I’ve totally bottled it and missed the right moment. Like we are full on in wedding mode. I feel like such a two face helping with diy wedding tasks

Because OP, some people are shitty human beings.

Your sister is one of the good ones.

In regards to the position with her partner, maybe she cannot see what you and your brothers can as she is in love with him. What you can do to make her see without alienating yourself from her is tricky.

I want to shake her and beg her to not marry this weirdo.

Can you do just that? Can you and your siblings meet up with her and be totally honest.

It might go down like a lead balloon and at the end of the day you need to accept whatever her decision is, but atleast then you can say you tried. You then won’t have to live with the guilt of “God I wish I said something”.

My sibling focused heavily on my relationship with DH to the point it consumed her and she ruined relationships in the family. I was isolated during critical milestone times in my life.

She always wanted children. I grieve for her that she could have had what I have, a husband and DC. She was absolutely gorgeous and very smart. I remember how many guys chased her.

Instead of focusing on her own life, she imagined problems with my DH and became consumed with it. She ruined relationships with my parents from her influence. I wish she had focused on her own life instead of imagining problems in mine (that I didn’t even share or anything- I guess I changed to be more mature as I wanted to progress in career and have a family - that can change someone).

Good news is, we all get alone like a house on fire. It’s been many years and a lot of one-sided forgiveness. Unsure how many people would cop the level of rudeness my DH and I did for many years.

I guess I’m saying, maybe be prepared for a fallout and you may or may not reconcile after.

"We're going to support you if you still decide to marry and we will be there for you in your life, every step of the way but ...(and explain details"

Then, if your sister still marries the chap, you have no choice but to be by her side.
She might learn to act strong despite the behaviour of her new spouse. Your sister might stand up for herself and live a life she can enjoy. You never know. Her husband might change.

You always want to leave the door open for her to call and keep you honestly informed about any troubles in her life. You don't want her to hide under a veil of success. So letting her know that you all see that her husband is not a bed of roses is an appropriate thing to discuss before the wedding.

M

@Foinye I've been in a similar situation where a friend was marrying a terrible bloke who has cheated/stolen money. I wasn't sure why the parents were OK with it. Their mum told me if she put her foot down (which they had done befor, the couple kept getting back together. She told me you need to let people make their own mistakes. She was right, they married, it all went badly.

I wouldn’t say anything more, she won’t listen, what you have to remember is that if he is trying to isolate her from family, he will be saying all sorts to her and you all kicking off about her marrying him will just cement whatever he’s been saying in her head and drive her further into his arms as it were. Keep lines of communication open and let her know you are always there for her.

my sister was like this and no matter how many times he hit her she would always go back, he successfully managed to convince her that all the family were horrible people etc etc and unfortunately it took him nearly killing her and getting locked up for her to leave him :(

Get her a book called the Verbally Abusive Relationship. It spells out narcissist abuse so at least she’ll be able to recognize the patterns when they start ramping up.

She might wake up at some point. He might overstep and she might 'see' him. She will have to go through divorce but at least she will be free.

My sister married a total no hoper the first time. All of us spoke to her and him separately as there was no way it could work. He then wanted to postpone but my sister said they went ahead or she would leave him so they went ahead with the wedding. She left him on her second wedding anniversary.

She might have to go through abuse before she leaves.

SnowFrogJelly

Last week she met a homeless man who has the same breed of dog as our parents. She went back the next day with dog grooming stuff. She’s just lovely.
This isn't lovely it's ridiculous
She's your sister.. let her get on with her own life

Do you two have such awful lives that you can't conceive of someone doing something nice for a homeless man? As PPs have said, your comments say way more about you two than about OP's lovely sister.

Could you and your siblings do a good cop, bad cop thing. Where a few of you totally lay the cards on the table allowing the truth to be said, but not isolating her as she will still have other siblings - who will also be around to try and smooth things over if she doesn't take kindly to the truth. Just a thought. What a sad situation. I hope she comes to her senses.

Looking back I married seeking stability after a dysfunctional childhood. Low self esteem meant I stayed a lot longer than I should have. My ex was unkind to me. After we split after over 10 years of marriage a few old friends said they could never understand why I was with him to begin with. I am not sure if anyone saying anything to me at the time we got married would have done anything.

What you NEED to do is if/when your sister has a child, ensure she does not quit work and become a stay at home parent. She NEEDS to be able to be financially independent when she wakes up and is ready to leave.

Do everything you can to boost her self esteem, if she has low self esteem like I did, a failed marriage is going to be another hard thing to confront that may mean she stays longer 'giving everything a shot to save the marriage'.

Make sure she always has a safe place to go and will never be judged and always supported.

I had to learn, that I am a very empathetic person to the point I am a disservice to myself. I excuse others bad behaviour because I see context and nuance, and make excuses because of their childhood trauma, they don't actually have bad intentions etc etc. It sounds like your sister could be like this, and she needs help to recognise it to protect herself.