Sister getting married next week and I my heart is breaking

[Foinye]

I have posted about my bil to be on mumsnet before. And the consensus is that he sounds like a condescending, arrogant arsehole. But at the end of the day my sister has made her choice and all I can do is be there for her if/when it goes wrong. Mumsnetters have shared it’s clear that BIL to be wants to isolate my sister and I should not play into this. Sage advice.

I just feel sick to my stomach. My beautiful, strong and intelligent sister has made a choice so clearly a manifestation of childhood trauma (abusive father). She was head girl at a grammar school and now gets shushed at the dinner table! My sister has an amazing warm energy which people gravitate towards. She’s got this amazing charisma but it pales in comparison to her kindness. Last week she met a homeless man who has the same breed of dog as our parents. She went back the next day with dog grooming stuff. She’s just lovely.

But her fiance tries to diminish and shrink her. She’s only 32 but feels like time is not on her side re kids and has made a ‘sensible choice’ in her view. Her fiancé is financially sound, a doctor, has a good family etc. Basically the opposite of our father who could not provide at all.

We walked around a park this morning discussing final details and I could have burst out crying. I feel guilty for not being overjoyed at her happiness.

I want to shake her and beg her to not marry this weirdo.

I just don’t know how I will get through this next week. My brain is being so cruel and keeps flashing up images of her as an innocent child who I want to protect. I’m her older sister.

My brothers hate her fiancé also but we have all agreed we will make sure to always keep her in our lives and not make our relationships untenable for her.

Just had to share.

She's 32 years old, leave her be, she can make her own decisions. I don't get involved in my siblings love lives. I just keep shtum. You will lose her if you kick off.

Ignoring the ridiculous argument over the dog by people who are absolute muppets, this quoted post is a very good post.

“Calling him out” won’t help. This gives him ammunition to tell isolate your sister and gives him ‘evidence’ of your so-called bad behaviour.

Be there for here. Persistently and supportively be there. Don’t criticise her, him or their relationship.

There is nothing wrong with helping her see he is treating her badly but she needs to come to this conclusion on her own.

Something I found helpful (although it was a close friend, not a sister) was having someone independent to talk to. It allowed me space to express my own feelings so when I spoke to her, I wasn’t full of emotion. I was more in control of how I communicated with her.

This isn't lovely it's ridiculous

No, it was a really nice, kind thing to do. It's not 'ridiculous' in any way whatsoever.

Are you and your brothers married OP? Have you expressed concern about any of her other partners?

I think you could say something without destroying your relationship. I'm sure everyone has a relation or friend who married someone we weren't sure about. In my case, they are still happy together many years later and we are only still in touch because I didn't disapprove loudly.

But what you could do is what my dad did when I was getting married (and it didn't come across that he was worried). We were on our way to the wedding ceremony and he said, you know, if you're not sure you don't have to get married. Which I thought was very sweet - but I also just ignored (and I am also still happily married many years on).

You could maybe say it earlier than that - because maybe everyone does need someone to give them an out before such a major commitment. You could say you know, you don't have to get married if you're not sure - and if you do but you later change your mind we'll all still be here for you. But don't tell her you all hate her husband at this point because that will just cause a rift if she does want to go ahead.

@Foinye I wanted to add, she will be getting something out of this relationship, whether it’s the chance to have children or the feeling that she is the only one who can save or redeem a difficult man. It won’t be as simple as her eyes opening one day…

Why is it ridiculous? It’s absolutely lovely. What a strange thing to say.

OP, I haven't had time to read the full thread but understand that this is really tough for you. I felt this way about a dear friend and didn't say anything at the time - but it must be so much harder with your own sister.

My friend is still married to her awful husband more than a decade on. I've been quite worried about her over the years - she's far more competent and successful than he is and yet he puts her down, makes it hard for her to see friends, gives her a hard time about everything. I worry that she's trapped and can't imagine what it's like to live with him.

I did once take her out to lunch, about five years ago, just to check in with her because I was so worried about how he had spoken to her when we were out together as two families. She really appreciated me raising it and said 'I'm used to it now', and that was it. But I'm just sharing because nothing bad came from me having the conversation. You might achieve nothing but I don't think it will burn any bridges to just let her know that you are a bit worried - you can play it down rather than saying you hate the guy but just mentioning a couple of things that have bothered you about the way he has spoken to her might help her talk about any of her own doubts.

Going back to my friend, she is (like your sister) a wonderful, positive person and she has managed to stay happy and kind regardless of her mean-spirited husband. They have kids, she has a great career and she's maintained friendships etc. It's not what I would want for her but it hasn't destroyed her or my relationship with her either. So, if the marriage goes ahead, I guess all you can do is be there for her and fight to keep the closeness between you.

It's an awful place to be, a friend of mine married a useless man, her family were in tears at the wedding, none of them happy tears.

Try to spend time one on one with her, let her know you respect her, think she's wonderful, smart and kind etc as he will try to make her feel worthless, so keep building up her self-esteem.

I'd find a way to let her know that she still has options if she wants them. Weddings snowball and it can soon feel like there is no stopping them.

Sadly this is a common occurrence. I’ve lost count of the number of friends who have introduced me to their new partner and I know from what they’ve told me and how they interact when I first meet them that they are ‘wrong uns’ don’t deserve to be with my delightful amazing friend.

Everyone thinks the same about these egotistical, misogynistic, narcissistic, useless creeps, however I’ve never said anything directly as it never ever seems to end well. In the same way of you feel a friend her DP is having an affair, it’s often and end of your friendship because they chose ignorance is bliss and become annoyed that you brought it up.

One friend had 3 useless fuckers as partners over the years and now has a lovely guy thankfully.

Another had a baby with a nutter and he’s caused nothing but torment and again we could see the car crash that would happen and it did…

Another friend got with the biggest waste of space, wanted to get pissed every day and stay out with his mates all weekend in his 30’s and everyone was thinking wow you could do so much better.

Sadly they need to come to the conclusion themselves as frustrating as it is for you. They don’t want to hear it and it’s the concerned family member or friend that often get it in the neck for mentioning it. Frustrating as hell

"My brothers hate her fiancé also but we have all agreed we will make sure to always keep her in our lives and not make our relationships untenable for her."

This is all you can do really. You could make a jokey comment of "it's not too late to backout you know", but ultimately tell her you love her and will always be there for her if she needs you.

Then make sure you keep in touch with her and see her as often as you can.

I was in a similar relationship and when we split everyone said to me that they were relieved we'd broken up. I realised something needed to change when I realised that I was spending more and more time at work to get away from home and that I was a totally different person in work, compared to at home.

I am ashamed that I let myself be isolated from my friends and family but they were all still there when I got away.

I'm divorced from my ex wife. I wish someone in my family had told me what they actually thought about her before I got married and bought a house.

I was financially and emotionally manipulated throughout the relationship and marriage to the point were I thought I was psychotic.

For gods sake tell her what you think, and why, and that you'll always be there to support her.

My family not only didn't tell me, they cut me off as they didn't like my ex and just stopped coming over or talking.

I’ve been there with a close friend, so I feel your pain and you have my sympathies. Gosh that was my least favourite wedding. At one point she stopped talking to her sister and her parents because they had problems with him, so I was careful. Sadly you have to tread carefully to avoid ammunition for him to cut you off.

Try carving out regular opportunities to see her, and always focus on how she is and how much you love her. When she describes his behaviour, you can show shock and point out where he has been unkind or unreasonable but focus on the behaviour not him as a person. He will try to make her feel worthless, so big her up all the time. My friend found the courage to divorce him eventually, I hope your sister does too though if she has his kids first it’s never going to be a clean break.

We had this experience. We could see what a so and so future BiL was but DS was besotted. We decided all we could do was pray for the best and be there for her if and when it all went wrong. Of course it did and she could call on us for help. Had we said anything when she was engaged she would have been totally isolated from us and without help.

How old is this man? Has he been married or in a relationship before? Does she know how that ended? If he hasn't then how did it take him so long to settle with someone?
If you and she know little about his history then you should suggest she finds out.
You also need to be open with her and remind her of how your father was with his family - is she subconsciously picking someone like that?

Coercive control and violence is insidious. No good wishing you'd said something before once it's established in their marriage.

Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!

I know, I was that woman! Took me 22 years to do it, but I broke the relationship and the control and became the woman I was always meant to be.

What a sad, mean and bitter little life you must lead

Attraction isn't a choice and is not based on logic, hence people fall for and marry people who make dreadful partner's. All you can do is accept the situation and be there for her if/when it all goes horribly wrong, and stop torturing yourself emotionally over something you have no control over.

Hi this happenedcto me. Married a solicitor advocate brilliant on paper. Turned out he was a sociopath/ narc and alcoholic. I kept thinking it would get better as he was so successful. My sister refused to b my bridesmaid but didnt listen. Two kids in and I left him . X the best thing to do is dont judge her if/ when she confides to you, don't make it a choice between her fam or him. Keep comms open always so he doesnt isolate her further x

My brother's ex tried to isolate him away from me and our mam. She hated the relationship he had with our mam and, despised me. She hated me because, the ex was trying to money trap him and, everything he asked me for I would give 🤣

My brother wouldn't let her isolate him away from us. Hopefully your sister will see sense when he's trying to do that to her. Make sure the lines of communication are always open, I imagine this situation would be harder for a female to deal with 😢

Tell her over coffee cake etc that you are so pleased for her and you've had a think and on reflection maybe you've been not seeing the food in her husband to be. Ask her to tell you all about him. Etc. If this gentleman turns out to be the bad sort she will be able to truthfully represent you as a fan of his. Which could be a lifeline for her. Also if u and she are lucky the 'positivity' session could unleash any anxieties /misery she has and at that point you do NOT say 'i knew this, you poor dear' you act amazed and listen. This may not prevent her u-turning, and still going ahead with marriage and her chance to be a mum. Best case scenario is she has a dear child to live and the husband and she coparent after divorce (or even save marriage etc thru counseling) worst case scenario I do not need to spell out. U yourself could even be in danger. Your fierce love for sister has to be expressed either in this total subterfuge of support (so she literally has nothing negative to report) or out and out kidnap intervention scenario with or without wider family support. Because it may take a lot to convince her that to you she is better off unmarried and childless than legally and literally vulnerable to a pillar of community bully.

There's very little anyone can do to stop someone getting married if they want to. It sounds as if you have spoken up as much as you can without making your sister separating herself from you. Go to the wedding, smile to see her happy even you think the happiness won't last, and stay close in the next months and years.

Quite apart from the fact that threatening him will get back to her and she will cut everyone off.... why does it need the OP's brothers to do it? My best friend married a lovely guy, but he knows full well that if he ever hurts her it will be me and her sisters he has to deal with.

So, it really depends on how close you are, and how open you all are. Ask her if she minds his behavior, and why not if she doesn't, because it can be uncomfortable to watch. If you could choose, you'd want someone with her same heart, but you accept her choice. She needs to tell him to stop, but see how that first convo goes. Are you around them a lot? You obviously don't see how he treats her privately – he could be sweet behind closed doors. She needs to feel safe; marriage is a huge decision. Just start the conversation carefully and see what happens. Don't argue; let her know she can talk to you. I'd say something you'll never regret. Good luck.