Sister getting married next week and I my heart is breaking

[Foinye]

I have posted about my bil to be on mumsnet before. And the consensus is that he sounds like a condescending, arrogant arsehole. But at the end of the day my sister has made her choice and all I can do is be there for her if/when it goes wrong. Mumsnetters have shared it’s clear that BIL to be wants to isolate my sister and I should not play into this. Sage advice.

I just feel sick to my stomach. My beautiful, strong and intelligent sister has made a choice so clearly a manifestation of childhood trauma (abusive father). She was head girl at a grammar school and now gets shushed at the dinner table! My sister has an amazing warm energy which people gravitate towards. She’s got this amazing charisma but it pales in comparison to her kindness. Last week she met a homeless man who has the same breed of dog as our parents. She went back the next day with dog grooming stuff. She’s just lovely.

But her fiance tries to diminish and shrink her. She’s only 32 but feels like time is not on her side re kids and has made a ‘sensible choice’ in her view. Her fiancé is financially sound, a doctor, has a good family etc. Basically the opposite of our father who could not provide at all.

We walked around a park this morning discussing final details and I could have burst out crying. I feel guilty for not being overjoyed at her happiness.

I want to shake her and beg her to not marry this weirdo.

I just don’t know how I will get through this next week. My brain is being so cruel and keeps flashing up images of her as an innocent child who I want to protect. I’m her older sister.

My brothers hate her fiancé also but we have all agreed we will make sure to always keep her in our lives and not make our relationships untenable for her.

Just had to share.

Does your sister complain to you about him? Or does she describe his behaviour but then makes excuses for him?

How long have they been together? Do they already live together?

Ignore them OP. Some people delight in coming onto MN to show how unpleasant and nasty they are - I don't know what they think they are achieving by this, all it does is shows us their true colours and we thank our lucky stars we aren't miserable self centred sods like them!

Your sister sounds lovely and I can understand why your heart is breaking. Unfortunately I don't think there is anything you can do other than always be there for her.

Be aware if she is trying to be very loved up and loyal to him at the moment, whatever you say to her will be reported to him. He will then use this to isolate her. He will know you see through him and that may be more dangerous to her. I would play the long game, look as if you support them both and try to find some common ground with him.

I would speak with her with your bro and tell her your concerns. It doesn't mean you can't still have a good relationship.

If you don’t want to be complicit in this marriage then withdraw your help.

All you can do is keep up the connection, keep it alive and strong. Yr sister is head over heels atm, I don’t think any criticism of her intended will be taken at all well, and she wants your support right now. Criticism of him, I believe will create a very large gap between you. Be there, keep in touch, call yr BIL out if needs be in the future, he will in all likelihood hate it, but will know you are aware. Don’t do it now hold yr fire. I’m sorry you cannot be genuinely happy for yr sister, it must hurt a lot.

Ugh. It's so hard. My BFF married an absolute arsehole. The wedding was such a difficult day for those of us who love her.

Eventually she realised. One of the turning points for all of us was when she had a berevement and he sent a bulk message to all her friends asking us to please give her space during this difficult time. You wot mate?! We had a worried group chat trying to work out if we should do as we were told and give her space, or just get in ouch as we'd naturally have done. In the end I called her and said "sorry, I'll go if you don't want me to call but are you absolutely sure you don't want us all to help?" and she had NO idea he'd done that. Prick. They're now divorced. He set her back financially a looong way but at least she's free of him.

Looking back - I didn't bitch about him to her when she loved him, but I also never pretended he was brilliant. I was non commital and factual.

My sister had one of these. The best thing you can do is keep her close and don't let him cut you out and isolate her. If you all go against him then you could lose her because she will have to choose a side. She will feel trapped and alone.
I remember the night my sister finally had enough of her DP. We (DH and I and her and arseface) went on a double date to a comedy show. Arseface was being typically arsey and we were all trying our best to have a good night despite him. I think she saw the ridiculous situation, his catsbum face at a comedy show while we were all on a mission to have fun. She has to get there on her own with loving support.

All you can do is be there for her and keep reaching out to her. It's hard. A family member has just left her abusive excuse for a human husband after years of being treated like shit. So it might still happen for your DSis.
If her husband to be wants to isolate her then just push through and try to see her regularly without him present.

My friend married a chap like this. Coincidentally he was a doctor too. Turned out to be a nasty, controlling, cheating bastard of a man. Left her high and dry.
I saw a few red flags before they married, tried to alert her, but she'd have none of it. It's really hard when they are under their influence. I really feel for you.

Been there OP. Some family members wrote letters, some spoke face to face. She ignored them all. This is your DS’s life learning curve, you can only accept her choices for what they are.

Have to say food, shelter and money are more useful to homeless people than a dog comb.

My sister married a complete waster - very selfish, contributed nothing whilst she worked her arse off.

When they were engaged, she asked me what I thought of him. I told her that he wasn't my cup of tea and his lack of drive and ambition was a complete turn off for me. I also said that her and me were different people and I would always be there for her.

They got married. A few years later, got divorced. It completely destroyed her. She never had DC. She's also a kind person, taken advantage of.

Has she asked you, what you think about him?

OP this sounds awfully stressful and puts you in an impossible situation. I second the posters who talk about the importance of staying connected no matter what. These types of guys often follow a playbook and alientating the woman from her family and support system is all part of the plan. You sound like a lovely family so hopefully you can keep her in your orbit.
As for the dog/homeless man - of course it is a lovely thing for her to do - but it also makes me wonder about her boundaries - often these 'kind souls' are actually lacking a sense of self and their apparently generosity and selflessness/empathy are a defense against feeling empty and unwanted/unloved. Which makes them particularly vulnerable to controlling men.

I’m on the fence with this because I think my family aren’t keen on my dh sometimes; he’s quite different to my dad who is quite risk averse and a worrier - I chose my dh because he is different to my dad and I wanted a different life for my marriage and our family. It’s her choice to make, I don’t think there’s much you can do but stay near her. I wondered if there was trauma for you when you said she’s your little sister and you have to protect her etc.

If you decide to say something you really need to separate what you don’t like about him with what’s concerning behaviour. She has every right to choose a boring idiot but if he is controlling/unkind/abusive they are the things you need to concentrate on. Personally I wouldn’t say anything at all. You’ll give him all the ammunition he needs to cut her off and you won’t change her mind. As others have said stay on side.

Oh bore off!

I was like your sister. You won’t be able to get through to her. The cognitive dissonance is too strong right now. As has been said, you need to be there for her when the dissonance starts fading and she begins to accept what everyone sees about him. He won’t get better, he’ll only get worse. And she’ll defend him because it feels like she’s defending herself. Until one day the fog begins to lift. In the meantime stay close to her.

My very best friend married someone I didn’t like. I could see he didn’t make her truly happy (she thought she was happy but she wasn’t ever fully herself with him, not her joyful, silly self anyway). I asked her if she was absolutely sure and said if she was I’d support her. (He was and is an arrogant arse though)

And how often are you giving any of those to homeless people? But yes, let’s be snidey about someone who felt sorry for a dog who is suffering from matted fur through no fault of its own, and wanted to help make it easier for the person to care for it.

I had a family member who married someone similar - her husband was also in a powerful, well-paid job. He isolated her from anyone who was actually a support to her - siblings, friends etc. He engineered situations to isolate her. He would do things on behalf of her like post presents to people/pass on important messages etc, except he wouldn’t. When things didn’t arrive if anyone said anything, my family member would fly off the handle in an overly defensive way of her DH, I think deep down she knew what he was doing. He was very controlling of her and would have angry outbursts. She signed a pre-nup before they got married (foolishly believing he would write it in her favour, I don’t think she understood a prenup was to protect his money), nobody could say anything. She then gave up her career and became a SAHM. Now they only have people in their life who he has chosen - his friends, his family, and very few people that are ‘hers’.
My point is, if he’s as bad as you say, no matter what you do you are likely to have a fight on your hands to keep her in your life. It’s like men like your BIL cast a spell over the women they date/marry.
The only real option you have is to go along with EVERYTHING and question nothing. Say nothing, be a grey rock and hope that she comes to her senses one day. Don’t give her husband any ammunition to cut you out.

Alright Cruella.

My family member married someone who is lazy, resentful, tight with money (everything’s ‘a rip off’), makes up tall stories about how successful he could have been and has a massive chip on his shoulder about money and success. Oh and he’s a religious minister, so a spiritual leader too…

I rue the day she met him!

Not a sister but a friend, I said something about him because I was genuinely concerned. Within a month she sent me an awful break up msg. Stuff that was clearly not true. My DH has commented on three people negatively in close to 30 years and he was one of them.

On here they often recommend reading Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that? to women in this situation. Perhaps a wedding gift?

...and some choice quotes from it on the DIY wedding stuff she's making you do 😅