Sister getting married next week and I my heart is breaking

[Foinye]

I have posted about my bil to be on mumsnet before. And the consensus is that he sounds like a condescending, arrogant arsehole. But at the end of the day my sister has made her choice and all I can do is be there for her if/when it goes wrong. Mumsnetters have shared it’s clear that BIL to be wants to isolate my sister and I should not play into this. Sage advice.

I just feel sick to my stomach. My beautiful, strong and intelligent sister has made a choice so clearly a manifestation of childhood trauma (abusive father). She was head girl at a grammar school and now gets shushed at the dinner table! My sister has an amazing warm energy which people gravitate towards. She’s got this amazing charisma but it pales in comparison to her kindness. Last week she met a homeless man who has the same breed of dog as our parents. She went back the next day with dog grooming stuff. She’s just lovely.

But her fiance tries to diminish and shrink her. She’s only 32 but feels like time is not on her side re kids and has made a ‘sensible choice’ in her view. Her fiancé is financially sound, a doctor, has a good family etc. Basically the opposite of our father who could not provide at all.

We walked around a park this morning discussing final details and I could have burst out crying. I feel guilty for not being overjoyed at her happiness.

I want to shake her and beg her to not marry this weirdo.

I just don’t know how I will get through this next week. My brain is being so cruel and keeps flashing up images of her as an innocent child who I want to protect. I’m her older sister.

My brothers hate her fiancé also but we have all agreed we will make sure to always keep her in our lives and not make our relationships untenable for her.

Just had to share.

I nearly married a Dr once. Consultant Orthopod who has done so much foe his field regarding research and much loved and successful. He sounds exactly the same as your BIL.
Drs are nothing but trouble. Most have mental health issues and as one psychologist told me are Narcissists! So I always advise peoppe to stay away from Drs.

My friend married one, from a fsmiky of Dentists and Drs and he treated her like a Barbie snd was controlling. He would do weekley weight checks and measure her body parts to make sure she was not gaining weight. He was LOADED so her family were all about it. They divorced 3 years later as she found out he was a closeted gay.

I was your sister: successful, kind, intelligent, with a childhood trauma. No matter what others were saying I married an absolute monster. After 10 years of abuse and darkness, complete isolation, I came out of the relationship better and stronger. I have a wonderful child (his father hasn't seen him since the divorce). Your sister won't listen to anyone. Let her live her life and find her way. It's always darkest before the dawn x

Unfortunately she won’t listen to any of you, she has to make her mind up herself.

ive seen it happen a couple of times, my sibling married a manipulative person, unfortunately they have been isolated as “all the family are evil and you can’t trust them” don’t think they will ever escape but they have been brainwashed.

Sometimes you have to make the mistake to realize it was a mistake. She’ll have you and your brothers when realization finally dawns. It’s so painful to essentially watch a car accident happen without being able to stop it, but people have to make their own mistakes or they’ll never learn.

Hang in there, and focus on your plan for when things go wrong. At least you’ll be ready.

@Foinye I'm sorry. It sounds like a horrible situation to be in. I think the best thing you can do for your sister is to quietly build an escape fund for her so if she ever needs to leave him she has the means. In the meantime I'd be charm personified. I'd keep my feelings to myself. You don't want your sister to be further isolated.

You have brothers!!!! Do you have an uncle Vinnie...... get them to take him out on a boys night, explain to him how your family works and that you will be watching him. Any disrespect will be dealt with...swiftly and harshly. I'm south african.....it's how we do it.

Were you there when she was ‘shushed’ at the dinner table because if my BIL did that to my sister in front of me I would have to say something there and then, to him about how incredibly rude it is.
Apart from calling him out on anything he does in front of you like that, all you can really do it be a listening ear if your sister wants to chat, but I would definitely mention your concerns to her alongside your brothers.
There are more diplomatic ways then saying you think he’s a rude weirdo, give examples of the things he does that are disrespectful, tell her you’ll always be there for her and love her always but that you couldn’t not say something.

What has he done op?

My sisters ex was a bit on the controlling side and we didn’t find out how bad it was until after she moved in with him. She wasn’t allowed to put birthday cards up at home so put them up at my parents house, he’d comment on how much wine she’d drank and how much she’d eaten when we went out, went vegan and insisted she do the same and commented at my moms on Christmas Day that she shouldn’t be eating meat. No one was ever invited round to their house as he apparently didn’t like visitors. She was so downtrodden and miserable with him but felt she couldn’t leave him because she didn’t want to be a burden on me or my parents. Me and my husband are big meat eaters and when we went out for my birthday tried to get everyone to order vegan. I ordered the biggest greasiest burger I could and the whole time I was eating got dirty looks and snide comments. I have no filter when it comes to people telling me what I should and shouldn’t do and turned round and loudly told him I how much of a twat he was and if he thought he was going to tell me what I can and can’t eat he was sadly mistaken and if he didn’t like it he could leave and leave my sister there as she wouldn’t be going home with him and I’d be round in the morning to pick up her stuff as I wasn’t going to let her live with him a second longer and if he tried to stop me I’d kick the ever living shit out of him. My dads jaw practically hit the floor and I heard the woman at the next table hiss a yesss under her breath as she’d heard everything he’d been saying through the meal.

if your sister ever ends up like mine did please help her leave him

That’s so hard I’m sorry. Like many others have said just please be there for her. Make this about having a strong relationship with her so she can come to you and you can be there for her without having to tell her fiancé isn’t kind.

you could have said something but not now. A week before the wedding is a bad move.

All you can do is to keep contact with her at all times. Sounds a little to me like coercive behaviour could slowly be dripping into this relationship. Don't care if he is a doctor or anything else, nasty horrible people come in all forms....Be there for her, and keep her as close as you can.

I had huge warning bells over a friend's fiancé. When I got to the wedding - so did all my other friends. We had to sit on our hands at the just cause bit (we suspected it was a bit Muriel's wedding).

Luckily our friend saw through him once they were married and is now with a lovely guy.

Sadly I think people need to make their own mistakes. I was also in an abusive relationship but I needed to realise it for myself before being able to get out of it. You can try to create a situation where your sister sees him for what he is but otherwise she is unlikely to listen.

@Foinye
"I just feel like I’ve totally bottled it and missed the right moment. Like we are full on in wedding mode. I feel like such a two face helping with diy wedding tasks"

If the wedding is this week, you've kinda missed the window, she's unlikely to call it off this close to the big day. You and your family have expressed your concerns and she was defensive, so you've done all you can. Now all you can do it stay close and make sure she knows she can rely on you if she needs to. Waiting for someone you love to see an abusive partner clearly and leaves excruciating.

Whatever you do right now or say she won’t listen, I got caught like this big time, then my daughter who lived around this shit arsehole for years supposedly called a father , I finally woke up , got brave enough to get rid of him and now she’s repeating the same stuff,
she allows males to minimise her take advantage of her and treat her like shit all the same things I did with her father. I’m a strong smart woman but I got completely taken in. Your best course of action is to stay close. Keep your mouth shut and always be there for her the flipside of this is you say something and he’ll use it as an opportunity to isolate and alienate you from her ime
Really tough journey, feel your pain but hang on in there and don’t do anything that allows him to isolate her from you,
keep your door open
honestly it is hard but she will need you
good luck 🤞

My aunt (my mum's sister) married someone like your soon to be BIL. My mum told us frequently through the years that her and her mother had begged her not to marry him as the warning signs were there before they got married. My aunt apparently screamed like a banshee and refused to talk about it again. Then married him. They are still married and unfortunately after years of abusing not just my aunt but his child and us as well during family gatherings, my parents no longer talk to him and my mum hasn't seen her sister in over 5 years. Mum is now in a care home with dementia but was absolutely devastated she lost her sister. The level of abuse was awful. Off the scale. Never physical (as far as we could prove) but manipulative and evil control and contempt. The last time I saw my aunt she was shaking because she'd agreed to see me (I was persona non grata for telling him to ram it after a particularly abusive rant) and she'd been banned from seeing me, but I turned up with my mum. It was so awful to see. She was shaking with fear that he'd find out. This was a woman in her 70s. My mum and her are both in their 80s now. I'm so glad mum married my dad. A wonderful kind man. Dad is also sad about this. I feel for you and I feel for your sister. These type of men are evil imho.

You get one chance to have a chat and just say ‘are you sure?’ You don’t give anything else away about your feelings. You just ask if she’s ok.
she will say she is. You hug her.
I’m sorry to say you have to let this happen and be happy for her then be there to pick up the pieces later. Don’t spend too much on the wedding gift.
Your sister will need you. Plan accordingly. I speak from
experience.

This!! 😂

All you can do is let her know how you feel, and why, again a d that you will always be there to support her in whatever she decides to do, but I would suggest that you also let her know that you will also be there to protect her if/when needed and that you won't tolerate any abusive or controlling behaviour directed at her either in your presence or that you become aware of afterwards- also that you will be "calling out" any such behaviour as and when you see it or find out.

It won't be easy but you definitely come across as a strong caring individual and I'm sure that you can do what's best/needed to take care of your sister.

Remember that you're not "alone" in this "fight" and you can get lots of help from others, even if it's simply picking up tge phone and calling The Samaritans for advice, or even tge Police in extremis!

Good luck - thoughts and prayers for you both ❤️‍🩹

Jim

He's a doctor and does this to his fiancé? I would want him to be mine with this behaviour amd attitude.

Problem is you can never tell anyone they seem to love, you can warn and give opinions but only she will decide.

Horrible I know, knowing it isn't right. Only thing you can do is be there for her. There may be something underneath that she gets benefits from, sometimes there are things we don't know. Xx

If he did that to my sister in front of me, I would have called him out for telling her to shush.

Not rudely to make the dinner uncomfortable, but enough to put him on notice he was being unfair.

Don't tell her - she's very likely to tell her husband, then he will bully her about it.

Be on her side - keep contact with her. Help her when she needs it Vs telling her now.

I haven't seen the other thread so don't know the background.

Do not say anything. It will put a wedge between you and your sister. As you said it's her decision and all you can do is be there to support her if or when it goes wrong.

Can I just play devils advocate a little bit? It’s clear that she really really wants a child. On the one hand she probably has a few years to get pregnant. On the other hand, it’s definitely more difficult after 35. If you convince her not to marry this chap and she doesn’t have kids as a result, she will resent you forever. It’s unlikely but not out of the park unlikely.

I would personally let her carry on - she is a grown women and must make her own decisions. But you have to keep regular contact with her always, even if BIL tries to make it difficult and make it absolutely clear that you are always there for her. If you can, encourage her to maintain some financial independence so if she needs to run she can (I firmly believe all women should have this whatever their situation).

Bite your tongue, smile & let her know you have her back no matter what & that you & your Brothers will always be there for her. If the marriage does fail at least she knows she has her family to go back to. You may not like him but she obviously sees something she likes in him enough to want to marry him so respect her decision. Stay in touch with her so she can be open with you & you know what's going on in her life. Only offer her advice if she asks for it or you feel she's in danger & try not to be too negative about him to her if she tells you things you might not like, she might start to hold things in if you slate him.

think your sister has just got to go through this or she won’t learn, the university of life and all that. And you need to let her or she will only resent you. You will become the problem when you’re not. And you will get in the way of her seeing the real problem. Him. You could still express your reservations to her, be specific about behaviours you’ve witnessed, and best to always phrase your doubts/concerns as a question rather than a direct criticism e.g. ‘why does ‘Tom’ ask you to be quiet at the dinner table?’ ‘How do you feel about that?’ And you just need to be there for her. Always asking questions, always reassuring. Sounds like she is going to need you. Hopefully she will find her way through, learn the lessons, understand the red flags, realise her own shortcomings (naivety, whatever, we all need to take responsibility for our actions) and mistakes sooner rather than later, get out and move on.