Sister getting married next week and I my heart is breaking

[Foinye]

I have posted about my bil to be on mumsnet before. And the consensus is that he sounds like a condescending, arrogant arsehole. But at the end of the day my sister has made her choice and all I can do is be there for her if/when it goes wrong. Mumsnetters have shared it’s clear that BIL to be wants to isolate my sister and I should not play into this. Sage advice.

I just feel sick to my stomach. My beautiful, strong and intelligent sister has made a choice so clearly a manifestation of childhood trauma (abusive father). She was head girl at a grammar school and now gets shushed at the dinner table! My sister has an amazing warm energy which people gravitate towards. She’s got this amazing charisma but it pales in comparison to her kindness. Last week she met a homeless man who has the same breed of dog as our parents. She went back the next day with dog grooming stuff. She’s just lovely.

But her fiance tries to diminish and shrink her. She’s only 32 but feels like time is not on her side re kids and has made a ‘sensible choice’ in her view. Her fiancé is financially sound, a doctor, has a good family etc. Basically the opposite of our father who could not provide at all.

We walked around a park this morning discussing final details and I could have burst out crying. I feel guilty for not being overjoyed at her happiness.

I want to shake her and beg her to not marry this weirdo.

I just don’t know how I will get through this next week. My brain is being so cruel and keeps flashing up images of her as an innocent child who I want to protect. I’m her older sister.

My brothers hate her fiancé also but we have all agreed we will make sure to always keep her in our lives and not make our relationships untenable for her.

Just had to share.

I'd love more insight on what you mean by this?

I'm the sort of person who would do something like this. We have taken a portion of a hot dinner to homeless people locally to us on more than one occasion. Or shared other things we have which would be appreciated/needed. Bringing up two children and aware that's the example I'm setting of normality. But there's been a few comments like this on here that suggests that acts like this somehow make you a try hard who won't be appreciated or have friends, or apparently listen to reason.

Shampoo? Who mentioned shampoo? She bought a brush and a comb.
What do you think the majority of homeless people living on the streets spend any money they’re given on?

My sister was the one person I might well have listened to had she tried to have a conversation about it with me. I remember her making a few oblique comments only.

If your sister does split up from this man one day, please don't tell her that you never liked him and you knew it wouldn't work out. She'll feel a total fool and wonder why on earth you never said anything at the time.

If you and your family put your cards on the table and then this gets back to the fiance he will refuse to have her associate with you all and then she is in a worse mess. Keep schtum but be by her side.

Shame, real shame.
Why would a strong, intelligent woman do this?
How she cannot see?
🙁

Eh? I’m not a particularly kind and nice person but I’ve done this with a homeless person I used to see every day to and from work. Not dog grooming stuff but I gave him money and also food for his dog. I gave him the contact details of a charity that ended up helping him and he got off the streets. It’s not unusual. I see lots of people doing this for homeless people.

I did ans everyone was kicking the poster in the nuts who commented it was an odd choice and it’s actually fair point.

Sometimes you can't stop people.

One of my best friends made a terrible decision about a man (not marriage, but moving country to be with him). Nothing we could have said made a difference to her. She had to do it (and eventually come out the other side).

What an awful thing to say. WTF is wrong with you ?

Thats very different to giving him grooming supplies or whatever.
Its not really the point of the thread though

I think @desperatedaysareover has given the best approach you could hope for. Ultimately, what you really need is that the lines of communication remain open, so that he doesn’t isolate her from her family and so she always has you, your siblings and parents to take care of her if it goes wrong.

It’s a very difficult route to navigate, but she is fortunate that she has a loving family.

Matted fur causes real suffering for dogs and presumably the man cares about his dog.

OP this is MN. There are posters here who will completely ignore the reason you have posted and go straight for your jugular when they’ve scrutinised your post for something they can attack you with. Keyboard warriors satisfying their permanent state of anger by spitting venom on a public forum that they wouldn’t have the guts to voice to a real person. Ignore it.

Let her make her own choices in life, she’s an adult

I've never been in a situation like this thankfully, but I would imagine that I would want to be Best Mates with the future DH. Don't give him any excuse for isolation/"they all hate me" behaviour. I'd want him exactly where I could see him.

It's tough but I think I would take the 'say nothing' route. Never give any indication of dislike towards him but stay close to her and - whenever you get a a natural chance - compliment her and 'big her up'. Give her lots of chances to believe in herself to try to counteract the messages he is giving her that attempt to shrink her down.

She's going to need all the strength and confidence she can get.

I agree that you should try again and gently explain that you and your family are worried about her, but personally I wouldn't do this until after the wedding. If you do it before, let's face it she isn't going to call it off at this late stage, as she sounds pretty committed to the idea and to him - it will just ruin her day and feels cruel. Let her have the wedding and let the dust settle (it may be things are pretty good between them for a while after if it's a bit of a honeymoon period, so your concerns will be more easily dismissed by her), and then in a few months if you're still worried, talk to her then.

It's not ideal obviously as if she eventually decides to extricate herself she'll be facing a divorce, but like I say I seriously doubt she's going to call off the wedding now, so you have little to lose by waiting, and lower the risk of alienating her. For what it's worth I'm pretty sure my parents had serious doubts about me marrying my ex, but they didn't say anything at the time and if they had it would have just really upset me and probably made me push them away.

We had a similar situation with a cousin of mine. We sat her down and said we couldn't see what she saw in her fiancé. If she was sure he was the one, could she help us get to know him better. If she wasn't sure we'd support her to walk away.

She walked away.

Not really, its actually true

Putting aside debates about what is best to give to a homeless man, my own family member also had a tendency to make those kind of gestures such as randomly giving items to homeless people; giving away a financial windfall to a dubious religious cause. This was at a time when she was still being financially supported by family, so really needed the money herself. She will still talk about making these kinds of gestures but doesn’t tend to carry them out these days!

To be honest, I am not sure it always stems from genuine kindness or generosity, I think it is sometimes about wanting to perceive herself as a generous person and be praised for doing so. Plus a rescuer mentality.

Incidentally, how did you find out about the dog brush gift?

God this is so hard and I really feel for you.
We had a similar situation with our DD.

Wanted to scream at her to get away from him but also knew we had to keep the lines of communication open for her. If you start criticising him it gives him grounds for him to legitimately say " they hate me" and then you are the bad guys.

Keep them close and be there for her, she will wake up to his behaviour.

Intellectual arrogance / 'doctor knows best' can be a thing in the medical profession. It can look like security and comfort to someone who seeks that.

I think the best thing is for you all to clearly tell her how you feel, what you're already worried about. Everything you've noticed. So later on she won't be asking 'why didn't anyone tell me?' Maybe write to her and keep copies.

Keep it calm and polite so you don't get her back up and trigger her into defensive mode siding with him. That will make it harder for her to stand aside and look objectively at him and their relationship.

And make it absolutely clear you love her, you'll always be with her to support her. And make sure whatever happens that you do. Be there, be easy to talk to, a safe space to open up.

No 'I told you so'.

Encourage her not to give up work. Her own income, savings and pension will be part of her confidence, self respect and respect security.

This wedding will go ahead. What happens next will probably be very difficult for you all.

Keep in contact, keep encouraging her to be open with you.

It may be she needs to run the programme that so many here have experienced or observed, and come out the other side.

Just before I got out of the car my dad said to me 'You totally sure about this?' I've no regrets with dh even though we're having problems and might not make next year with the marriage. But I really respected and appreciated him asking and it did make me have a quick think. Hope it all works out for all of you. x

I had two brothers, ditto my DH is one of two brothers. All future husbands get 'the visit'.
A number of friends have married wronguns. One dear friend doesn't speak to me as her H isolated her. Total gold digging bastard.
So she bagged a doctor. Depending on the type of doctor you might have a control freak (consultants), lots are ND. My DC is a trainee doctor.
What I wouldn't allow is him shushing her or any other woman. Make sure you are stone cold sober in his company and call him out. Personally I'd rather have a kind tradesman.
Keep an eye on him.
Remember the saying 'when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time' Maya Angelou.