Sister getting married next week and I my heart is breaking

[Foinye]

I have posted about my bil to be on mumsnet before. And the consensus is that he sounds like a condescending, arrogant arsehole. But at the end of the day my sister has made her choice and all I can do is be there for her if/when it goes wrong. Mumsnetters have shared it’s clear that BIL to be wants to isolate my sister and I should not play into this. Sage advice.

I just feel sick to my stomach. My beautiful, strong and intelligent sister has made a choice so clearly a manifestation of childhood trauma (abusive father). She was head girl at a grammar school and now gets shushed at the dinner table! My sister has an amazing warm energy which people gravitate towards. She’s got this amazing charisma but it pales in comparison to her kindness. Last week she met a homeless man who has the same breed of dog as our parents. She went back the next day with dog grooming stuff. She’s just lovely.

But her fiance tries to diminish and shrink her. She’s only 32 but feels like time is not on her side re kids and has made a ‘sensible choice’ in her view. Her fiancé is financially sound, a doctor, has a good family etc. Basically the opposite of our father who could not provide at all.

We walked around a park this morning discussing final details and I could have burst out crying. I feel guilty for not being overjoyed at her happiness.

I want to shake her and beg her to not marry this weirdo.

I just don’t know how I will get through this next week. My brain is being so cruel and keeps flashing up images of her as an innocent child who I want to protect. I’m her older sister.

My brothers hate her fiancé also but we have all agreed we will make sure to always keep her in our lives and not make our relationships untenable for her.

Just had to share.

Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do. You and your siblings have tried talking to her, with a watered down version and she was defensive. She either can't see her partner's failings or doesn't want to admit to herself that you are all correct. All you can do, is be there for her, don't allow him to isolate her. You are all going to have to learn to be 'nice' to him, and as much as that pains you, if you don't and he catches wind of her families distain for him, he will move heaven and earth to poison her mind against you all, to isolate her. You're all going to have to be damn good actors. I suspect children will happen fairly quickly after marriage, as it's something else to tie her to him and to make it difficult for her to leave. All you can do, is support her, and be there, when eventually the penny drops.. but it could take a very long time.

If in her own words she has made a "sensible choice" then it would seem that she knows what he is like & feels it is an OK price for kids & security?

What does anyone do/say when he shushes her?

There is a book called ‘women who love too much’ is there any way you could get it to her before the wedding, or the one mentioned above, at least if she read that over the next few weeks , she might have some hope.

Matting in dogs can cause them considerable pain and is a serious welfare issue.
I too have seen 'van dwellers' with very matted dogs- but sadly when the matting gets that bad, they need actual shaving like ''The Girl With The Dogs'' does on you tube.

I hope your sister escapes this horrible partner before kids are in the mix.

GREAT book! But OP's sister is blinded to his asshole.
Only when she is ready to ''see'' will the book be of help.

Also interested in what YOU say when he shushes her. I can't imagine not laughing in his face.

I suspect @Silvers11 is making the point that what homeless people need most does not normally include dog grooming stuff.

Dogs are a real lifeline for some homeless people because of the companionship they provide, and also because they act as a bridge to other people that means the homeless person can still feel human. OP’s sister took the time to chat to this person about the breed of dog they both liked, and remembered to go back the next day with something to make it more comfortable. That both improved animal welfare and made the person feel like someone cared. I bet they will remember OP’s sister much longer than someone who buys them a coffee, kind though that would also be.

Please explain why it’s ridiculous? OP says the dog was matted. It’s unlikely the owner could have afforded to buy these things. She cared about the dog. I have bought soft bedding for an arthritic dog belonging to a homeless person, is that ridiculous too? It doesn’t cost much to make a massive difference to some street dogs. If you don’t care about animals though you probably wouldn’t understand.

You need to make sure there are as few barriers as possible to her coming to you when she does realise.

Even the thought of 'i told you so' can be enough to prevent that.

I think its best to keep quiet but remain a constant presence. She will realise, be there when that happens.

Really? What's wrong with you. ?

She sounds lovely unlike troll hunting posters

The dog thing is relevant IMO. Kindly meant but not thought through. Either in terms of the homeless persons ability to use the grooming items or his real needs.

OP do you think your DS is trying to rescue people? (As a proxy for rescuing herself). Perhaps even her fiancé? It's not uncommon for rescuers to think they are the one person who can save a bad person.

You need to maintain a strong relationship with your DS if you can, and are obviously aware that the Fiancé could isolate your sister. But I would suggest that your sister needs support to work on herself. She needs to stop trying to rescue people and work on her own self esteem.

So back to the dog. Don't tell her she is wonderful for doing this, it supports her identity as a rescuer. Ask her what else she could have done. Challenge her belief that she had to act and suggest alternatives. You need to do this every time. She probably needs therapy to unpick it all, but you challenging her is an important first step.

This is so perfect x

I don’t know, of all the things that homeless man needs, I don’t know if a dog brush and dog shampoo is all that high on the list. He’d probably have preferred food or money. How is he even going to groom the dog if he’s homeless anyway?

It does suggest that the sister is not all that practical/doesn’t think through her actions particularly well. You can be very sweet and also a bit of an idiot.

This. You jumped the shark with that one

Mumsnetters hate dogs OP, it’s a strange place.

Off track here, but it's possible to do an on line referral to your local authority in respect of a street homeless person. I've done it a few times where I now live. ( I used to be a homeless officer).

This is quite scary op as she is already being quietened by him. I have been here with my dd and whilst you are right to tread carefully my dd was also defensive.
Matters also began with her being put down, belittled, with her possessions destroyed, her bank cards and pay taken.
As you are already distressed I wont go further.
She has already accepted controlling behaviour. I found criticism made it far worse.
If she pushes you away, you must contact her and not be rebuffed. Ring, text call at the house. She does have a caring family.

I did similar to you sister. Married a man because I thought he was not like my Dad, only to find out he was just like my Dad.

I have to say, I did then think, ‘why did my friend’s not warn me? Why did they not say something, direct and clear?’ For all the times I told them about his behaviour, why did they not say something. I’ve never quite forgiven them.

So I would say something, even if just once. Say it plainly and clearly and unambiguously. When she realizes who she married, she deserves to know you cared enough about her to try to stop her from walking into trauma.

My friend married one like this (and just like her Father) and she is stuck and has deteriorated more than ever.

I have watched my bright, independent, sparky, intelligent, clever friend since school fade into a woman with no confidence and no self esteem. She has become convinced that she is just a silly woman and everyone else is better than her.

No other advice other than to say keep her close as much as you can.

A sanitised list might not be enough to break through into her awareness. There might come a time when she starts noticing things for herself and will check it against what family has said. I'd let the brother who wanted to be candid to go for it, even if it doesn't make a difference right now, it might be what helps her see her way out in the future.
Candid but said with love to mitigate the risk of being cut off, obviously.

I'd also point out that at 32 she's probably got 10 years to have babies! I know it's not true for everyone but having babies in your 40s is pretty bloody widespread

Why would I say anything I don't know them.

I can kind of see the point here.
It sounds like your sister might want to "rescue" people (most of us would have given this person food/money) in which case the more awful and damaged her fiance is the more she will be determined to marry him.
All you can do is pick up the pieces

Um no. You don't 'Have to say' it at all. You have chosen, like anyone can on MN, to kick someone in the nuts and also miss point of thread. Go you.