To think that *Some men steal the joy

[Vodkaandpepsimax]

Out of life?

I see it around me, with friend’s husbands and then often have it at home with mine and also grew up with a dad who veered between super fun, very imaginative and funny to very grumpy…It would feel like a lot revolved around his mood, whereas mum stayed pretty constant (or pretended to be at least)
Yesterday, trying to get all christmassy (I enjoy it all and especially for dd, 6’s sake) went to a christmas event, Dh silent in the car, me singing along awkwardly with dd to a Mr Tumble xmas cd. It was very busy when we arrived, lots of time to park, yes annoying, but dh so moody about it, I offer to drive/park, he snaps back. Complains about queues for the hot chocolate…just takes the joy out of the experience. I’ve booked for just dd and I to go to see The Nutcracker as I know it will be a much nicer, special experience just us, but obviously need to do things as a family.
Anyone else in this situation

So have you sat him down and talked about it calmly? Used "I feel sad and disappointed when I see you so irritable and miserable" rather than "You spoil everything by being such a grumpy sod"? (Yes, I'd want to use the latter, too, but we all know angry accusations make people defensive.) Asked what's going on and what can he do to make his and everybody else's lives a bit happier? I'd want to try because ultimately there's no point being in a marriage where you don't communicate or jointly solve problems and just lead separate lives. In the interim, do enjoy the Nutcracker with your daughter - you shouldn't have to sacrifice your pleasures over the festive season.

AIBU to want to go to my family reunion w/o DH?

He is a parent too, he should be putting his child first and you too.

Sulking is not a good look.

After all, if he can control his emotions enough to drive a car, he can reign his emotions in for his DDs happiness.

I don't understand why these men marry and have kids when they obviously don't want to. They should just stay single in their pants and sulk😆

Probably because they need to replace mummy with another woman to wash said pants.

So true.

I grew up with a sulky, selfish, awful dad, although my mum did eventually divorce him when I was 9.

It's weird seeing video/camcorder footage of supposedly happy family moments, because I don't remember them at all, I only have vivid memories of him sulking/stomping/storming off on family days out and me and mum trailing behind him or apologising.

My DH feels like a miracle sent from another world, he's the complete opposite to my dad, always selfless, has a solution, calm, always cheery and resilient, I don't know what I'd do without him tbh.

I would totally have been your husband in the situation you describe (and in fact I was, literally, a couple of days ago) 😬
To me, it has nothing at all to do with what sex you are. It's about personality: not everybody is a bubbly extrovert, and that's fine I think.

Yes. I refer to my husband as a wet blanket. He just sucks out all joy from everything. Even the children don't want him with us now. Do you all just hear our relationship ending through the computer? Nigh on 30 years together but I will have to break it off before our anniversiry because I can't have it like this any more.

I think mine uses up all his sparkle at work, and we get whatever is left over. I'm tired of it, and tired of having conversations about it.

@MsNeis I’m not a bubbly extrovert either, a fairly quiet introvert, doesn’t mean I can’t try my best to make life joyful for my 6 year old

🤗 Good luck, @Swedemom !

God, this is so true! DH still works from home most of the time (can’t be arsed to go to the office basically) and he’s so dedicated at work, so professional during calls, I think wow, work definitely gets the best of you.

He spends all day upstairs working, comes downstairs for dinner and then fucks off upstairs again for more chill time with the TV or his phone.

I think men are wired differently and they are fundamentally self-centred and rarely think about making the effort to do things for the good of the family. Even looking back at my own childhood, we so rarely went out on day trips or visited new places, did activities or anything. That was partly because we didn’t have much spare money, but my mum always says “your dad couldn’t be bothered”.

To be honest if someone put a Mr Tumble CD on in a car I was driving I’d have thrown it out of the window.

Yes, I understand your point now, and I have to agree. I obvs don't know your husband, but I guess I projected my own experience of being the stressed/sulky one in certain occasions: it's definitely not a good place to be, but sometimes you have no choice. What you can choose is wheter to stay sulky or make the effort: I believe that was your point, right? I agree, then (although I can't quite see the sex element still).

I think so many men can be like this. Some are just not particularly nice people and others seem like they have lived life just being able to act exactly how they feel at at any given time with no challenge to them about their behaviour. We all have to mask our mood from time to time and put on a cheerful face for the sake of our kids/partners. No one is permanently cheerful or in the mood for everything, but you make the best of things and don’t bring everyone around you down because you’re a bit irritated or whatever.

My DH is a great person and fun and even tempered the overwhelming majority of the time, but does this too from time to time. A little thing will annoy him, or a small comment or something and his mood just totally takes over him. Thankfully it’s very infrequent and he knows I absolutely hate it, so over the years it’s become less and less, but I can see him struggling with it from time to time, it’s like he’s actually having to fight behaving like a child. It happened at the weekend and I see why he is the way he is, because rather than ignore it/pull him up in his behaviour, his family were pandering to it and asking him if he was ok etc. He was just bringing the whole vibe down. Really pissed me off as was over a very trivial thing. His dad is like this and goes very quiet, so it’s learned behaviour. His mum is very kind and happy and has obviously never pulled his dad up in this and just accepted it, so him and his brother and sister have grown up seeing this as normal.

My mum is like this, I would honestly describe her as a dementor sometimes. Just sucks the happiness and life out of everything with her constant moaning and general miserableness.

Yes! The ability to ruin any and all fun events is a skill in our house too. Including birthdays. Someone told me he behaves like a narcissist & it's always in the back of my mind. I too holiday just with DC now as he makes it very clear he doesn't want to do the things we like. My issue is he does sometimes want to come on days out, but once he's had enough he wants to leave immediately so it spoils it regardless. (Think a 2hour drive away- there for 20mins & wants to leave) so now I set clear expectations- if you want to come do not hassle us to leave & if you're going to be moody about it don't come. 9/10 times he doesn't come which suits us. There are things I don't enjoy doing but I put a face on & pretend because DC love it & seeing them happy makes me happy. This seems to be lacking in their dad.

If someone is fun and even tempered "the overwhelming majority of the time" then treating the minority of occasions where they don't feel happy as a problem is weird and controlling.

I don't think anyone should have to "put a cheerful face on" all the time if they don't feel it, that sounds exhausting. Being in a foul mood sometimes is part of being human. No one should take it out on anyone else but equally if someone's in a bad mood and have taken themselves off to deal with it, or are just being a bit quiet, you don't need to be brought down by it.

If someone is fun and even tempered "the overwhelming majority of the time" then treating the minority of occasions where they don't feel happy as a problem is weird and controlling It's not about not feeling happy though, it's about the way someone behaves in that situation. Being a bit quiet or a bit grumpy is one thing, but being a dick to people around you and bringing everyone else down is another thing altogether.

My son in law acts in a very childish way around me. I am the granny and if I indulge the grandchildren he acts like a big overgrown kid. He takes little fun things I’ve got them to eat and other attention seeking behaviours. He never had grandparents that he knew. I think we expect less of males somehow and bits of them stay childish. It is very annoying. It is not exactly what you are describing but he does that too.

Bad tempered, grumpy, snapping, sulking. Before they enter a live-in relationship with a man, women have no idea how much they will be influenced and controlled by his mood. The peace in their house is dependent on it. Their children learn to tiptoe around them. I despise these men for the damage they do.

OMG this! I once met a colleague of his who said that he was always happy and cheerful! I’m my head I was thinking, I don’t recognise this man at all!!

There's nothing worse than silent and moody in the car it's something that really gets to me, in a space where you can't escape.

This resonates with me too. Anything H doesn't like and he's moody about it.

We went out for my mums birthday and he wanted to come (I was clear there was no issue if he stayed at home) and he literally just sat there and didn't say a word. Other than to kick off when I casually mentioned a family event (his side) the following weekend. Next time he's not invited - it was really pretty awful.

H also used to not want to come out for days when DS was little. Result is whenever me and DS talk about days out I sit there and think; yep that was with Mary, that was with Betty and her dog and yep that was with Claire. H was literally never really there at all. But he's the one that's lost out.

I never really knew how many others there were out there!!

Well at least he's SAFE!

My husband yanked on the steering wheel while I was driving, demanding I get in the other lane.
I calmly pulled to the side of the road, stopped the car told him to get out for a second. I got out also. I told him he was to drive and that ANY TIME he was in the car I would not drive! "I'm not going to drive in unsafe conditions!" That was about 5 years ago.....

Let him be grumpy and tolerate it. Later on you & DD can go out by yourselves & check out the Christmas lights & all & freely express joy!