…to be annoyed by the comment ‘you’re not a real mum if you only have one?’

[notarealmum101]

Need to know if I’m being over-sensitive or if I’m right to be annoyed by a comment made at a recent mums’ night out.

Met up this week with four mum friends - we were all in the same mum and baby yoga class when we were all new first time mums and have kept in touch since, mostly by WhatsApp but we try and catch up a few times a year. Our first kids have all recently turned 4. They have all had at least one more since then, and two of them are pregnant with third babies. I only have one, despite our best efforts (it took us a while to conceive DD and we’re 18 months into trying for a second, and probably going to have to stop soon because age isn’t on our side and we don’t have money for IVF).

During our meal there was a lot of chat about sibling dynamics, pregnancy with a toddler, the challenges of managing the needs of two kids at once etc etc, and also about the activities they’ve been up to together whilst on their overlapping second maternity leaves, all of which is understandable although left me feeling pretty left out.

However, one of them (the one with the youngest second child in the group) made a passing comment which really stuck with me, which was that ‘You aren’t really a proper mum until you have two’. Her point was that if you haven’t had to manage two kids simultaneously and deal with their competing needs and personalities, then you haven’t done the hardest part of parenting and so you’re not a legitimate parent. The others didn’t really seem to disagree with her on this.

I was too caught out in the moment to say anything (and to be honest I already felt pretty isolated by the discussion) but the comment has stuck with me over the past few days and I can’t help but dwell on the idea that this is what everyone thinks and that I’ll never be a proper mum because we’ll only ever have one kid, and it’s really left me feeling low (my period rocking up as scheduled probably hasn’t helped matters). Part of me just want to fade away from the group as I’ll never meet their threshold of being a ‘real’ mum and it’ll only get worse as they all have more kids.

YANBU - it was an insensitive thing to say and you’re right to want to distance yourself

YABU - stop being so sensitive, they’re only being honest

Utter bollocks.

You have to learn to ignore the utter bollocks that is in fact everwhere or you're going to be perpetually pissed off.

What a silly and complety irrelevant comment! I have 2 children after struggling for 6 years and after having ivf.
There are so so many variables with being a parent. You're not more of a parent the more children you have! I suspect she's struggling with the dynamics of having 2 children, tired, a bit self centred and over whelmed. Never the less it's a rather stupid comment. Others wouldn't have said anything as people just tend to go along with things rather than tackle someone.
X

It was thoughtless of her. Is she usually a bitch or just a bit thick with no filter?

To give her the benefit of the doubt. If her second is still very new which it sounds, she could just be shell shocked and realising how hard two is. That doesn’t excuse her at all but if she is usually a good friend I’d be tempted to say she just worded it wrong. Obviously if she knows about your fertility issues she’s very out of order

Yep. I know/have known quite a few women who regretted having more than one child, because it made life so much more difficult for them, changed the dynamic of the family, cost much more money, affected their marriage etc etc, and they envied couples with just one child. This woman sounds like that! Jealous for some reason.

Not all mums with more than one child think like this of course. I have 2 (girls, 1 year apart,) and don't feel this way.

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I get what you mean but nobody should have to lay anything on.

I only have one. He's 5 this week and I'm now the only one in 2 mum groups with an only. We haven't tried. We're happy.

I'm a fucking great mum (as are you I'm sure @notarealmum101 ) My son (who has additional needs) is absolutely thriving and so so loved. I have struggles with him that none of those other mums can comprehend. But even if he was the easiest kid ever, it doesn't fucking matter. I'm his mum. I am a mother. A REAL fucking mother, whatever that means. And so are you @notarealmum101 .

None of them have been insensitive enough to say anything outright in front of me but I do think some have similar thoughts to your "friend" at times.'

I'd have told her to fuck off and left, gone home to enjoy my lovely family 🙂

What a horrible thing to say! I now have two children and fully appreciate the challenges of my husband and I meeting both their needs. But my friend is a single parent caring for two from when they were tiny; that's much harder: she never thinks she's a real Mum and I'm not! My life with two kids is different from my life with just one but my life before having my first was a thousand times more different! In fact my most challenging year of parenting was my first year when my oldest was a very high needs baby. She was an only child for a long time and I was absolutely a "real mother", her needs dominated my life. I'm sorry you're experiencing difficulties conceiving a second child. I hope you go on to have a second but if you don't then having just one can be wonderful. My DD1 benefited so much from her years of being our only priority and we could have set her up in life if we had only her to fund. I know some some very happy only children through DD's school friends and one close friend.

Stupid woman -what a terrible thing to say

Mum of 3 here - I was no less of a mum when I parented just one for 10 years.

Yes I’ve had different challenges with multiple kids, but I was still a parent with one.

Clearly having more kids hasn’t helped your friend learn some sensitivity.

Nobody thinks that.

She was just trying to bond with the other mums over the changes in their lives. And she twattishly forgot that wasn't your situation, and also didn't think how her poor choice of words would make you feel.

I'd tell her how you feel about what she said, if I were you; or you'll feel you can't hang out with them again, as you'll still be smarting from her silly comments.

But if you feel this isn't a one-off incident, these might just not be the friends for you anymore. (Surely one of them must've thought: "Hey, hang on a sec, @notarealmum101;that's not quite what we meant to say. Our bad.")

I hope however that if/when you speak to her, she'll be mortified. And rightly so.

YANBU

She’s a dick op. Find new friends.

I'm sorry I clicked yabu by mistake...of course they are full of shit..you are just as much of a mum as anyone!! Ignore them

I'm so sorry OP. Of course you are a proper Mum. Absolutely. What a douchey thing to say. Don't let this woman get you down.

If you have given birth to a child or adopted a child you're mum wether that's ten children or one

I'll remember that! 😄

I take so much offense to this. Some of the best mums and dads I know don't even have children. How ridiculous to say you only have one you're not a real mum. I only have one too and I am definitely a real mum. Just like you.

My mum, who had two daughters, was told by a neighbour that she wasn’t a proper mum because she’d never had a son!

YANBU. People like that can get in the bin, frankly.

I have one DC. I had PND, a tough pregnancy, anxiety, a terrible birth, minimal family support and an unhelpful to put it mildly DH. It has taken me years to get over becoming a mother. Anyone who thinks it’s not hard until you have more than one child can take a running jump.

As a mum of three, that's absolute rubbish! Of course you are a mum. If you have a child you are a mum. If you had a child and sadly lost them you would still be a mum. If you take on a child you didn't give birth to and love them, you are a mum.

Out of order and tell her she is wrong and insensitive.

I think that comment was quite cruel, you're a real Mum.

I have a fair few children and they're older now and looking back on baby/toddler/younger years Mums seemed so competitive and absorbed over views like that. And how you birthed, what you fed etc etc...it was very boring and tiresome. Glad mine are older now and I'm out of that mindset (although not all Mums were like that, just a niche).

It was a really insensitive and thoughtless comment

Cruel, insensitive and needless comment. Thoughtless at best- and tactless regardless. If the comment maker has any awareness of your struggles, she's an utter bitch to boot.

I'm an only. Not for lack of trying, I'm just the only one that stuck. This comment would be so hurtful and disrespectful to my mother.

Snap
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