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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to be annoyed by the comment ‘you’re not a real mum if you only have one?’

307 replies

notarealmum101 · 08/12/2024 19:30

Need to know if I’m being over-sensitive or if I’m right to be annoyed by a comment made at a recent mums’ night out.

Met up this week with four mum friends - we were all in the same mum and baby yoga class when we were all new first time mums and have kept in touch since, mostly by WhatsApp but we try and catch up a few times a year. Our first kids have all recently turned 4. They have all had at least one more since then, and two of them are pregnant with third babies. I only have one, despite our best efforts (it took us a while to conceive DD and we’re 18 months into trying for a second, and probably going to have to stop soon because age isn’t on our side and we don’t have money for IVF).

During our meal there was a lot of chat about sibling dynamics, pregnancy with a toddler, the challenges of managing the needs of two kids at once etc etc, and also about the activities they’ve been up to together whilst on their overlapping second maternity leaves, all of which is understandable although left me feeling pretty left out.

However, one of them (the one with the youngest second child in the group) made a passing comment which really stuck with me, which was that ‘You aren’t really a proper mum until you have two’. Her point was that if you haven’t had to manage two kids simultaneously and deal with their competing needs and personalities, then you haven’t done the hardest part of parenting and so you’re not a legitimate parent. The others didn’t really seem to disagree with her on this.

I was too caught out in the moment to say anything (and to be honest I already felt pretty isolated by the discussion) but the comment has stuck with me over the past few days and I can’t help but dwell on the idea that this is what everyone thinks and that I’ll never be a proper mum because we’ll only ever have one kid, and it’s really left me feeling low (my period rocking up as scheduled probably hasn’t helped matters). Part of me just want to fade away from the group as I’ll never meet their threshold of being a ‘real’ mum and it’ll only get worse as they all have more kids.

YANBU - it was an insensitive thing to say and you’re right to want to distance yourself

YABU - stop being so sensitive, they’re only being honest

OP posts:
SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 09/12/2024 19:18

SleepingStandingUp · 09/12/2024 19:04

But that's kid dependent. It gets DIFFERENT after the second, but I'd argue a poorly child with long term medical issues is harder than healthy twins. I've done both. Poorly single in and out of hospital for 18 months, we didn't have our secondary pregnancy for years due to his medical issues. By comparison the twins were easier, although still harder than anything else I've done bar the first child

Show quote history

Well, yes. Perhaps this woman just meant that HER life got harder with her second baby.
Trying to understand the thought process that led to her saying that some other mothers are not mothers at all!

TheTavern · 09/12/2024 19:20

Silly woman-she should not have said that.

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/12/2024 19:20

Some people gave six… maybe you’re not a real mum until you have 6? She’s an idiot, however, I can understand why that whole chat must have been difficult for you.

Elizo · 09/12/2024 19:22

notarealmum101 · 08/12/2024 19:30

Need to know if I’m being over-sensitive or if I’m right to be annoyed by a comment made at a recent mums’ night out.

Met up this week with four mum friends - we were all in the same mum and baby yoga class when we were all new first time mums and have kept in touch since, mostly by WhatsApp but we try and catch up a few times a year. Our first kids have all recently turned 4. They have all had at least one more since then, and two of them are pregnant with third babies. I only have one, despite our best efforts (it took us a while to conceive DD and we’re 18 months into trying for a second, and probably going to have to stop soon because age isn’t on our side and we don’t have money for IVF).

During our meal there was a lot of chat about sibling dynamics, pregnancy with a toddler, the challenges of managing the needs of two kids at once etc etc, and also about the activities they’ve been up to together whilst on their overlapping second maternity leaves, all of which is understandable although left me feeling pretty left out.

However, one of them (the one with the youngest second child in the group) made a passing comment which really stuck with me, which was that ‘You aren’t really a proper mum until you have two’. Her point was that if you haven’t had to manage two kids simultaneously and deal with their competing needs and personalities, then you haven’t done the hardest part of parenting and so you’re not a legitimate parent. The others didn’t really seem to disagree with her on this.

I was too caught out in the moment to say anything (and to be honest I already felt pretty isolated by the discussion) but the comment has stuck with me over the past few days and I can’t help but dwell on the idea that this is what everyone thinks and that I’ll never be a proper mum because we’ll only ever have one kid, and it’s really left me feeling low (my period rocking up as scheduled probably hasn’t helped matters). Part of me just want to fade away from the group as I’ll never meet their threshold of being a ‘real’ mum and it’ll only get worse as they all have more kids.

YANBU - it was an insensitive thing to say and you’re right to want to distance yourself

YABU - stop being so sensitive, they’re only being honest

That is an absurd comment. Shame you weren’t able to pick her up on it. But honestly, who cares. She sounds a bit sad to be engaging in such competition. If I ever felt sad about having one, it wouldn’t be because some idiot thinks I’m not a real mum

pigsDOfly · 09/12/2024 19:32

Tried to put this stupid woman's stupid opinions out of your head OP. You have a child, of course you're a real mum.

Tbh I think you should probably try to find some new friends. This lot sound ridiculous and nasty.

Ladymeade · 09/12/2024 19:47

But - you'll always know who did it...!

One child parent here so I empathise! I used to get massively pissed off with the following comments: "you can't have just one" "when are you going to have another?" So rude!

LalaPaloosa2024 · 09/12/2024 19:53

AudiobookListener · 08/12/2024 19:33

Absolutely no-one sane thinks this. Of course you are a "proper" mom.

Agreed. What a bizarre thing to say.

Xmasxrackers · 09/12/2024 20:06

Kids is kids!
1,2, 12… they’re hard work however many you have! Tell her to take her saggy fanny elsewhere

pollymere · 09/12/2024 20:54

I used to reply "oh, and they were born by caesarian too, so definitely not a real Mum". Then roll my eyes and sigh loudly.

Of course you're a real Mum. It's an idiotic thing to say.

pamplemoussee · 09/12/2024 21:04

Pffft that's an atrocious comment!!

Even PP saying it's harder having two+ kids - that's based on individual experience - that's their experience of it being harder it's certainly not everyone's and some people have lived experiences with one child that must be unimaginably hard eg if their child has SEND or medical needs.

She can absolutely do one - there's no excuse for that kind of comment.

Ketzele · 09/12/2024 21:04

My gran likes to say this. But she had 11 and thinks that nobody is really qualified as a mother except her.

KiriG · 09/12/2024 21:13

It’s completely unreasonable -

Obviously this would be hugely inappropriate and disgusting but the only scenario I could imagine this fits is if your child dies before birth, is adopted at birth or you have not been through pregnancy with the child you care for as mum (eg surrogacy, adoption, fostering or being a live in step parent). In this case you miss either the prenatal or post natal stage of ‘mumming’. If anyone said that then it would be unthinkably insensitive.

I can’t imagine either anyone saying that to a person with a child, what if a mother has only one child because they have lost another or more, pre or post birth? Basically saying you aren’t a real mum because your other child died. What?

Never mind being outrageously rude - of course you are a real mum if you have one child! I only have one child as well - I’m infertile due to 3 ectopic pregnancies causing both my Fallopian tubes to be removed. I cannot afford further IVF and I cannot have another anyway due to dv and not getting partner consent.

Being asked ‘are you planning another child’ is bad enough, never mind accusing someone of not being a real mum.

TATA.

Personally I ask them jokingly if they would pay for the IVF as I’d love more. That does tend to shut up the inconsiderate ones… or make them realise what they said and as it turns out some of them had IVF and can’t afford another child they wish for

natalieplusone · 09/12/2024 21:20

Having one can be just as hard as YOU become their playmate. You get zilch done because of that. It's exhausting......

natalieplusone · 09/12/2024 21:22

Could she be a bit jealous of you?.....hence the dig?

SabreIsMyFave · 09/12/2024 21:24

natalieplusone · 09/12/2024 21:22

Could she be a bit jealous of you?.....hence the dig?

This. ^ I find that quite often spitefulness and bitchiness comes from jealousy and bitterness.

Mumof1andacat · 09/12/2024 21:33

Damm rude thing to say. She is not your friend, so her opinion doesn't count - from a fellow, not real mum ;)
Also, my nan had 9 children, so does that make her a real real mum because of the number?

NeedSomeHeadspace · 09/12/2024 23:11

I’ve only got one and so happy and proud of him - he’s 17. My circumstances didn’t permit me to have another one but apart from wishing for a close playmate for him over the years (not even cousins to hang out with) I’ve appreciated the advantages of having one. And I’m a great parent and no bitchy female is going to take that away from me! If anyone ever said that to my face, I’d wipe the floor with them!

Bowies · 09/12/2024 23:54

YANBU they sound awful tbh you might be happier away from this smug and self obsessed (and boring) group.

Eenameenadeeka · 10/12/2024 00:11

It sounds like a very insensitive and not well thought out statement, especially seeing that she was also talking to a mother of one. Of course you are a real Mum. It sounds like she was just being dramatic and exaggerating her feelings- I know the jump from one to two can be a lot for some people because it does change when you have multiple children- you can't always meet the conflicting needs of everyone at once and it's harder than just meeting the needs of one child (eg the baby needs a nap and the toddler won't be quiet) so she maybe just spoke without thinking because the other mums were also discussing the sibling dynamics. If you usually get along well with the group and it was a one off comment, it would be a shame to lose all your friends over it but if the friendship isn't positive then it might be time to find some people who are a better fit.

Havinganamechange · 10/12/2024 03:44

I think that she made a ridiculous comment, I mean wtf it can be super challenging with the one especially if they have additional needs. I can understand why it bothered you but sounds like she just wasn’t thinking.

TwinklyNight · 10/12/2024 03:46

Her opinion doesn't count even if she has one.

showersandflowers · 10/12/2024 04:26

There are a lot of things people use to qualify being a "real" mum, didn't breastfeed? Not a real mum. Had a c section? Not a real mum. Went back to work and dad does his fair share of the childcare? Not a real mum. Use screen time to get stuff done in the house? Not a real mum. I could go on...

None of these are valid and neither is only having 1! I imagine that this was just this woman's way of expressing her own pride in her achievements as a mum but it was a poorly worded way to say it. I guess what she really meant was "this is much harder than when I just had one" (which I, as someone who also has one kid, wouldn't think was rude and would accept hands down!)

showersandflowers · 10/12/2024 04:29

natalieplusone · 09/12/2024 21:20

Having one can be just as hard as YOU become their playmate. You get zilch done because of that. It's exhausting......

Agreed! Each situation has pros and cons but this is certainly one of the challenging parts of having just one... and the guilt of having to say "no now, darling, mummy has to empty the dishwasher/do laundry/cook dinner".

GreyCarpet · 10/12/2024 06:45

showersandflowers · 10/12/2024 04:26

There are a lot of things people use to qualify being a "real" mum, didn't breastfeed? Not a real mum. Had a c section? Not a real mum. Went back to work and dad does his fair share of the childcare? Not a real mum. Use screen time to get stuff done in the house? Not a real mum. I could go on...

None of these are valid and neither is only having 1! I imagine that this was just this woman's way of expressing her own pride in her achievements as a mum but it was a poorly worded way to say it. I guess what she really meant was "this is much harder than when I just had one" (which I, as someone who also has one kid, wouldn't think was rude and would accept hands down!)

Quite.

Is she more of a mum because she's had more children? No. Am I more of a mum because her eldest is only 4 and mine is 26 and, therefore, I've done it for longer and parented every age and stage of development? Of course not.

Julimia · 10/12/2024 09:36

Hurtful as it is you are being over sensitive and you know the truth. Take no notice and fit them up with an equally acid reply. I was told exactly the same by 'friends' when we adopted our daughter!!
Would also say adoption is a route worth considering too. It IS the same as having 'your own' (we have one from each way!)

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