…to be annoyed by the comment ‘you’re not a real mum if you only have one?’

[notarealmum101]

Need to know if I’m being over-sensitive or if I’m right to be annoyed by a comment made at a recent mums’ night out.

Met up this week with four mum friends - we were all in the same mum and baby yoga class when we were all new first time mums and have kept in touch since, mostly by WhatsApp but we try and catch up a few times a year. Our first kids have all recently turned 4. They have all had at least one more since then, and two of them are pregnant with third babies. I only have one, despite our best efforts (it took us a while to conceive DD and we’re 18 months into trying for a second, and probably going to have to stop soon because age isn’t on our side and we don’t have money for IVF).

During our meal there was a lot of chat about sibling dynamics, pregnancy with a toddler, the challenges of managing the needs of two kids at once etc etc, and also about the activities they’ve been up to together whilst on their overlapping second maternity leaves, all of which is understandable although left me feeling pretty left out.

However, one of them (the one with the youngest second child in the group) made a passing comment which really stuck with me, which was that ‘You aren’t really a proper mum until you have two’. Her point was that if you haven’t had to manage two kids simultaneously and deal with their competing needs and personalities, then you haven’t done the hardest part of parenting and so you’re not a legitimate parent. The others didn’t really seem to disagree with her on this.

I was too caught out in the moment to say anything (and to be honest I already felt pretty isolated by the discussion) but the comment has stuck with me over the past few days and I can’t help but dwell on the idea that this is what everyone thinks and that I’ll never be a proper mum because we’ll only ever have one kid, and it’s really left me feeling low (my period rocking up as scheduled probably hasn’t helped matters). Part of me just want to fade away from the group as I’ll never meet their threshold of being a ‘real’ mum and it’ll only get worse as they all have more kids.

YANBU - it was an insensitive thing to say and you’re right to want to distance yourself

YABU - stop being so sensitive, they’re only being honest

OP, that’s absolute BS, I’m so sorry you had to sit with that.

I’d be more concerned about the dynamic of the group - when I’m out with my friends, regardless of their status, I always make sure the conversation includes them. Friends need to see and be seen by each other.

Are they otherwise supportive?

You're missing the point, I think.
She's referencing the type of person who judges women and motherhood by a made up standard (by insecure and competitive usu. women):
vaginal birth = giving birth; section doesn't
breast feeding=feeding; bottle feeding doesn't
genetically related =real children; adoption/ivf doesn't
one child = easy; multiple=real parenting
I had no idea about the judgements until I found parenting forums and mums' groups.
Example: at a playground, my child didn't want to share a toy with another child. The dad walked over as I was explaining sharing. He said, An only?
My dc was 1.5 years.
(And for the record his angel was grabby.)

That was an awful thing of her to say and quite frankly I think I would have got up and left. What a horrible hurtful thing of her to say. Especially as it sounds that you might have wanted more than one. I had to have IVF to have my first child and was very very fortunate to be able to have a second one later on. I thank my lucky stars every day. I think had I not been able to have a second that if someone had told me I was less of a mum for it I would have been very hurt. I’m not confrontational but I think I would have said something and shamed her on the spot there and then. I don’t see why you should forgo your friendships with the others but definitely don’t make any effort with this one OP and if she says it again call her out on it.

Oh and I’ve heard the old ‘if you’ve never given birth vaginally then you haven’t given birth’. I’ve had 2 c sections. One was an emergency and the second elective after nearly losing my first due to medical negligence. I’ve heard that opinion several times and all I think is that it makes the person saying it look like a total imbecile.

She's an insensitive bitch. Her poor kiddos, stuck with such an insensitive and ignorant mother. Let's hope their father has more brains than their mum, if not they've got no hope x

I'm so sorry OP, it was an awful thing to say and I can see why it upset you.

Like you I had a difficult time conceiving, although I was very lucky in the end. I can remember sitting in the early pregnancy unit crying my eyes out over a scan that showed another loss, and trying to apologise to the nice nurse for making such a fuss. I will never forget how she took my hand, looked at me and said "of course you're upset, it was just a short time but you were their mum". I'm sure your friend would have disagreed about me being a mum then, but I'm no more of a mum now with children with me.

for you, it's a hard journey sometimes and you don't need someone's cruel comments making it worse.

I’m a real mum with one. And definitely a better mum than I’d be with two or more for sure. Lots of women try to make themselves feel better for having multiples and then regretting it.

Yanbu, however I get the impression she worded it wrong. I have 1 child and I can imagine having two would be harder work. I think this is what she meant to say. However it's not a race to the bottom. If course your a real mum. If these friends are not adding value then yes move on but if they are, stay.

It’s very poorly worded.
When I had my 2nd, my sister said the same thing. That I’d become a “proper” mum. She has one child!

So I think it’s just one of those poorly worded comments. But if they know of your struggles - then it was really insensitive of them.

Not really you shouldn’t have to justify your family choices. It was an awful sentence to say and they should be ashamed of themselves.

I accidentally clicked YABU instead of YANBU!

What a silly cow! Did anyone else hear her say that?

They sound boring and self obsessed to be honest. Do you have anything in common with them apart from similar aged kids?

it’s a stupid comment, not true and makes her sound thick.

id have laid it on thick and burst into tears, confessed to secondary infertility/miscarriages and sat there and sobbed and sobbed.

She's talking bollocks and being shitty.

I think what she was cack handedly trying to say was that your workload more than doubles when you have 2 babies close together.

I remember a mum friend telling me that before I had DC2. She just told me as a warning re feeling knackered and don't worry if you can't do everything. She wasn't being a bitch or anything like that.

She sounds like a complete halfwit 🤣🤣
What she really means is, she can’t cope, and she’s bitter about having a second

Some people have achieved very little with their lives and so when they push a baby out they feel like they finally have done something to make them feel superior, and they say things like, "You wouldn't understand unless you were a mother," or, "You don't know what tired is until you have a baby!"

Then they realise that the vast majority of people they know have also successfully managed to give birth and so they need to find something else to make them special.

"You don't know real love until you become a BOY MUM!"
"You think toddlers are hard? Just you wait until you have to manage a TEENAGER!"

And this woman has settled for, "You're not a real Mum if you only have one."

That's not being honest, that's being a bitchy little dumbarse.

Anyone can be a mother, a real mum is a good parent, whether you have one kid or 5.
Your a real mum, that woman is a real twat. Some women like to try and belittle others. I personally wouldn't want to hang around with someone with such a toxic vibe, but that comment is so rude I'd feel inclined to tell the asshole she's offended you and how dare she insinuate your not a real mother. She needs to grow up

What a cheeky fucker. I'd have said, "Can I just borrow your car keys, I fancy taking it for a spin. Why not? Are you an only child?"

It was thoughtless. I think that she was just expressing how hard work having 2 is. Which it is. I think that she phrased it terribly, but sometimes our mouths speak without thinking and the words spill out. Just because no one disagreed doesn't mean that they agree. And it certainly doesn't mean that you are any less of a mum. Don't isolate yourself though by cutting them off. Do they know that you're having trouble conceiving? Is there one that you are closer to than the others that you could talk to over this?

Someone I know said something similar to me because I had one at the time. 3 years of trying and multiple miscarriages trying to have my second which I didn't bring up. I just walked away and said absolutely nothing.The person saying it had 6 with 4 different men. I don't need to say anything that says it all even now it still pisses me off.

Wow. What does she want, a medal? We're also likely to only have our son due to various health reasons and I'm happy with that and a very very proud mum.
Mums need to cheer each other on not compete against each other. Life isn't a competition xx

I have one and hate these type comments which are surprisingly common.
I usually just give a tight smile while thinking I should say “fuck the fuck off!”

I've had the same op
Very unkind comments, some completely unaware and would feel hurt if they realised they hurt me.
The only people who seem to be able to empathise are people who are experiencing infertility.

What nonsense. I am an only child and my mum is definitely a real mum. I bet this woman feels some insecurity about her ability to parent or envies you in some way OP (either parenting or otherwise) and wants to bring you down. Bitch.