…to be annoyed by the comment ‘you’re not a real mum if you only have one?’

[notarealmum101]

Need to know if I’m being over-sensitive or if I’m right to be annoyed by a comment made at a recent mums’ night out.

Met up this week with four mum friends - we were all in the same mum and baby yoga class when we were all new first time mums and have kept in touch since, mostly by WhatsApp but we try and catch up a few times a year. Our first kids have all recently turned 4. They have all had at least one more since then, and two of them are pregnant with third babies. I only have one, despite our best efforts (it took us a while to conceive DD and we’re 18 months into trying for a second, and probably going to have to stop soon because age isn’t on our side and we don’t have money for IVF).

During our meal there was a lot of chat about sibling dynamics, pregnancy with a toddler, the challenges of managing the needs of two kids at once etc etc, and also about the activities they’ve been up to together whilst on their overlapping second maternity leaves, all of which is understandable although left me feeling pretty left out.

However, one of them (the one with the youngest second child in the group) made a passing comment which really stuck with me, which was that ‘You aren’t really a proper mum until you have two’. Her point was that if you haven’t had to manage two kids simultaneously and deal with their competing needs and personalities, then you haven’t done the hardest part of parenting and so you’re not a legitimate parent. The others didn’t really seem to disagree with her on this.

I was too caught out in the moment to say anything (and to be honest I already felt pretty isolated by the discussion) but the comment has stuck with me over the past few days and I can’t help but dwell on the idea that this is what everyone thinks and that I’ll never be a proper mum because we’ll only ever have one kid, and it’s really left me feeling low (my period rocking up as scheduled probably hasn’t helped matters). Part of me just want to fade away from the group as I’ll never meet their threshold of being a ‘real’ mum and it’ll only get worse as they all have more kids.

YANBU - it was an insensitive thing to say and you’re right to want to distance yourself

YABU - stop being so sensitive, they’re only being honest

JFC I wish women would stop doing this to each other, there is enough for women and girls to contend with without this BS.

I'm a lone parent with one, does that make me not a real mum?

If she ever says anything like that again, just say you didn't realise being a mum was a competition.

She sounds like a smug bellend and it’s disappointing that no one else outwardly disagreed with her. I don’t blame you for thinking about distancing yourself from these people.

Absolutely. Parenting can be challenging enough as it is without making it a bloody competition.

She’s struggling and misery loves company so she said something shitty to you.

What a c word. Mum shaming on a whole new level.

She sounds like an idiot.

What a disgusting comment - pay no heed, OP

Tbh I wouldn’t be giving her the benefit of the doubt either …

Urgh, what a horrible comment to make!

I'd be calling that out if I was in a group and someone said that.

Sadly, people will force their unsolicited parenting opinions upon you as you progress through your parenting journey. Most of them can be ignored, as they're not parenting YOUR child.

They'll never know how hard it is to manage the expectations of an only child begging for a baby brother or sister that just can't happen, one child or 10 ( I knew someone who had 10) we are real live parents, with our own problems which are equally challenging.

You're definitely not unreasonable. I was an only child and my friends loved coming to my house, to get away from siblings. Also, they loved my Mum who had extra time for me and of course them when they visited. I think your 'friend' is talking c**p and is probably jealous. Your other friends may have been struck dumb by the audacity of her comments.

I found having one harder tbh. I now have three and apart from the washing 🙈😂 it’s a doddle compared to my first. Because I’ve grown with them and am not learning on the job as much.
i found the first the hardest by far. And he’s now a teen and is still the hardest 😂😂😂😂

It's not insensitive so much as it's fucking stupid.
People do come out with some crap.

"Professiona mother" type who could probably do a degree in childcare.

She's a c u next Tuesday

Mum to one here

We're definitely 💯 real parents

I'd avoid these types...

I don't think I'll make it through all 10 pages of this thread, but the first comment has nailed it anyway 👏🏼

What a horrible insensitive thing to say! I would be hurt by that comment in that situation even though I have one and don’t want any more children

Some people talk absolute bollocks

this friend is one of them 🙄

best ignored

Oh tell her to fuck off. Love a Mom with three kids, the last two of which are twins so by definition I'm more of a Mom than her cos I had two at once. She's a dick. Your other friends probably didn't know what to say, so I'd give them the benefit of the doubt.

But that's kid dependent. It gets DIFFERENT after the second, but I'd argue a poorly child with long term medical issues is harder than healthy twins. I've done both. Poorly single in and out of hospital for 18 months, we didn't have our secondary pregnancy for years due to his medical issues. By comparison the twins were easier, although still harder than anything else I've done bar the first child

I'm a mum to one (and I'm done), had a c section and formula fed because I didn't want to breastfeed.

I still feel like a real, card carrying, paid up mum. How dare I?

She is a fucking insensitive arsehole who should shut the fuck up. Take no bloody notice of her. That is the biggest load of absolute bullshit that I have ever heard in my life. Keep away from her!

Wow what a shitty thing to say! I've got 2 DC but I was just as much as real mum when i only had the one! Yes the dynamics of parenting change when you are dealing with more than one personality but you're still a parent regardless if you have one DC or a football teams worth
I hope everything works out for you OP whether that's with your DC an only or with a sibling in future. If you are unable to conceive another then there are other ways of growing your family if that's what you want to do but regardless you are a real mum x

I’m not real mum either one out the boot and one out the sunroof 😂
I have two but an 18 year age gap so didn’t have to deal with two competing needs!!! Also OP don’t lose hope I was 42 when I had my second one after 3 failed ivf treatments it just happened naturally x

How much of a loser do you have to be to get competitive over how many children you have?? Some women just need to get more of a life so they more to celebrate as achievements. Women like this are suffocating mums as well because they have no identity other than mum.

By her dumb logic none of the women in China are real mums and no one is more of a mum than women in poor African villages who have loads because of no access to birth control. If I had to choose I know which mum life i'd prefer!

My MIL said this to me a few years ago! I am still upset! Little did she know, it was her son that didn’t want a second baby at the time and I had been telling him for years that I wanted a second. I’ve since had a full term still birth and now pregnant with my rainbow baby while my son is now 7. It’s an absolutely horrible thing to say.