Page 15 | DP just called DD ungrateful - I’m fuming!

Rosettespur · 2024-12-08T17:03:06+00:00

DP and I not on great terms at the moment. DD is 14 (not his). We live together. I was in the kitchen folding washing with DD and she mentioned her pj bottoms had faded abit, not in a rude way, just generally. ’D’P then loudly said from the other room ‘so ungrateful’! I went in and asked who he was talking to, apparently it was DD, he could see my reaction so tried to laugh it off. DD and I went upstairs for a while, came back down and he wanted me to apologise for ‘over reacting’ to the comment. Adding that he is sick of ‘emotional women’ in the house. He then made some shity comments about ‘don’t even ask me to apologise or I’ll actually laugh’ Suddenly have massive ick and he is sulking

Poppins21 · 09/12/2024 05:56

Rosettespur · 08/12/2024 17:31

She really doesn’t care for him tbh. They seem to get on, she is always polite to him but they tend to rub along really

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Why did you move him into her home then? I really can’t understand why woman do this. My daughter would always ge out before a man

Scarydinosaurs · 09/12/2024 05:57

If you’re renting, why doesn’t he pay??

Hopefully you can convince him that removing his name will do him a favour as he will be liable for the rent if you remove yours?

Can you have the conversation with a male friend of yours nearby/about to come over?

Interlaken · 09/12/2024 06:01

Rosettespur · 08/12/2024 18:19

But realistically, if tomorrow night he does this annoying thing where he sniff laughs and said ‘I’m not going’ what do I actually do?!

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Just on this. You tell them to move out, and if he says no, then you move him out.

He won’t be spending 24-26 with you
His stuff needs to be gone within a month,
If it isn’t then you will deliver his stuff to his parents.
The relationship is over.

CalmDuck · 09/12/2024 06:37

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Oodydoody · 09/12/2024 07:52

Ezlo · 09/12/2024 04:22

My mum moved her partner in after I has only met him a few times. When I had met him he completely ignored me or talked over me when I was talking to my mum. I have never really forgiven her for moving him in despite my protests and he continues to ignore me to this day. He never speaks positively of me, and on the rare occasion he does say anything to me it's always to put me down, eg I was talking about learning to drive and he actually made a pfffft noise and he said I'd never do that. My mum defends him and says he often ignores her too. I argue that she should want better for herself and her daughter but she always sticks up for him. I rarely spend time with her anymore and it's caused me massive mental health issues trying to process why my mum can put a partner and his needs before her kids.

Put your daughter first and protect your relationship with her. Kick him out ASAP.

I am so sorry.
This is the reality when women put any man ahead of their child.
I cannot imagine how hard it is for you.

That is your mothers loss.
Do not allow this to de rail your precious life.
Get a good job and move out as soon as you can.
Open your own thread on MN if you would like support.

Ellie1015 · 09/12/2024 08:01

Well done for seeeing the light. Why did he need security of being on the tenancy? He didnt have a secure home he was leaving. Also what decent person expects to live in a home without splitting bills and paying rent. Good luck, hopefully all behind you soon.

Original poster

Rosettespur · 09/12/2024 08:11

Thank you again, I had a restless night sleep mulling over everything in my mind.

As with these situations it’s a long story. The plan was for him to pay some money into the house, we had it all planned out before he moved in, then as soon as he moved it there was issues/catastrophe/drama that meant he couldn’t pay until one day I got a text at work saying he just wasn’t going to be able to contribute anything, by then it was too late. He has always worked, just low paid, non secure work. And apparently it ‘made sense’ for me to pay everything as ‘I have been when I’m not here anyway’! I should have realised then but he was still really kind, dealing with some issues and I suppose I felt sorry for him.

For about 1 year he didn’t pay anything at all really, aside from a couple of take aways etc.

Then in the last 6 months he got a slightly better job so said he would take over food shopping and petrol and he has done this so he see’s this as a huge improvement.

TBH the resent has set in. I took my DD on holiday this year just us and he made me feel really guilty for it. So much so that it ruined the holiday for me tbh as he moaned and whined so much before, during and after. He felt I should have taken him. It’s all of this sort of thing I am just sick off and have the severe ick over now.

OP posts:

CalmDuck · 09/12/2024 08:13

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TheSilkWorm · 09/12/2024 08:14

How are you going to get him out? If you tell him to leave will he refuse? You may have to give notice and move out yourself 🤷🏼‍♀️

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 09/12/2024 08:25

Oh OP, he really saw you coming. I genuinely hope you're able to sort this mess out.

Reallybadidea · 09/12/2024 08:49

Good idea to talk to your landlord about changing the tenancy. Tbh if they can't or won't I'd consider offering him some money to come off the tenancy. Might be cheaper and easier than moving in the long run.

Over40Overdating · 09/12/2024 08:54

The only ace up your sleeve is he is clearly too stingy / incompetent to be able to rent this house on his own so you need to use that as leverage.

He really must have thought all his dreams had come true when you added him to the tenancy and didn’t charge him.

An expensive lesson on cocklodgers and needing higher standards

Livingtothefull · 09/12/2024 08:57

Monty27 · 09/12/2024 05:37

That's really not helpful. We know how love blind people can get and the idea is to encourage OP to take off the rose tinted glasses. Not compare her dd to you @Ezlo .

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I don't agree that @Ezlo 's post was unhelpful actually. It illustrates the stark reality of what can happen when a mother consistently prioritises her partner over her DC. Whereas the OP has the chance now to change things around for a better outcome with her own DD.

Livingtothefull · 09/12/2024 09:04

Rosettespur · 09/12/2024 08:11

Thank you again, I had a restless night sleep mulling over everything in my mind.

As with these situations it’s a long story. The plan was for him to pay some money into the house, we had it all planned out before he moved in, then as soon as he moved it there was issues/catastrophe/drama that meant he couldn’t pay until one day I got a text at work saying he just wasn’t going to be able to contribute anything, by then it was too late. He has always worked, just low paid, non secure work. And apparently it ‘made sense’ for me to pay everything as ‘I have been when I’m not here anyway’! I should have realised then but he was still really kind, dealing with some issues and I suppose I felt sorry for him.

For about 1 year he didn’t pay anything at all really, aside from a couple of take aways etc.

Then in the last 6 months he got a slightly better job so said he would take over food shopping and petrol and he has done this so he see’s this as a huge improvement.

TBH the resent has set in. I took my DD on holiday this year just us and he made me feel really guilty for it. So much so that it ruined the holiday for me tbh as he moaned and whined so much before, during and after. He felt I should have taken him. It’s all of this sort of thing I am just sick off and have the severe ick over now.

Seriously OP - get rid of him. What kind of 'man' begrudges a mother spending time together on a holiday with her teenage DD? No wonder she doesn't like him. Did he even propose paying for himself when he tried to muscle in on your holiday? I somehow doubt it given you are paying for almost anything else.

Heaven knows what impact all this is having on your DD....even if she doesn't complain about it btw doesn't mean it isn't impacting her. The teen years are a sensitive enough time for a girl without this unpleasant dead weight in her home to contend with.

loveawineloveacrisp · 09/12/2024 09:04

Rosettespur · 08/12/2024 18:03

DD is at her dad’s tomorrow night. I’m going to speak to him about ending the relationship. I am confident that he will dig his heels in and not want to move out. He has burned bridges with most of his family.

He is absolutely going to say that I’m ending the relationship because of xyz, crappy reasons but deep down I don’t care.

Good luck, this is absolutely the right thing to do. Of course he's going to resist, he has an easy ride living with you. But it's not your responsibility to house him - just remember that and stay strong.

Wigglywoowho · 09/12/2024 09:19

@Rosettespur did you speak to your landlord?

Workingthroughit · 09/12/2024 09:35

Rosettespur · 08/12/2024 18:03

DD is at her dad’s tomorrow night. I’m going to speak to him about ending the relationship. I am confident that he will dig his heels in and not want to move out. He has burned bridges with most of his family.

He is absolutely going to say that I’m ending the relationship because of xyz, crappy reasons but deep down I don’t care.

Good for you OP. You sound like a good mum (just one with a crap taste in men ehh - not a crime) and your DD sounds great. Good luck to both of you.

Livingtothefull · 09/12/2024 09:39

'He felt I should have taken him.'

Reading that just made me shudder, the entitlement right there. Is he 14 as well? Moaning @ whining like a resentful teenager.

WellThatsNice · 09/12/2024 09:59

OP I’m so sorry you’re in this situation - I hope you can find a way to get him out of your house and your lives.

There’s probably no point discussing things any further with him- you know what you want (and at this point what you’ll get back from him in a conversation) and I’d just quietly get on with making that happen. Good luck.

MyPithyPoster · 09/12/2024 10:09

What job does he do? Just out of interest? Is it a job that requires a enhance DBS ?
If so, he absolutely will not want the police calling to remove him from the property
Just a thought to give you a bit more leverage

glowinggg · 09/12/2024 10:20

Rosettespur · 09/12/2024 08:11

Thank you again, I had a restless night sleep mulling over everything in my mind.

As with these situations it’s a long story. The plan was for him to pay some money into the house, we had it all planned out before he moved in, then as soon as he moved it there was issues/catastrophe/drama that meant he couldn’t pay until one day I got a text at work saying he just wasn’t going to be able to contribute anything, by then it was too late. He has always worked, just low paid, non secure work. And apparently it ‘made sense’ for me to pay everything as ‘I have been when I’m not here anyway’! I should have realised then but he was still really kind, dealing with some issues and I suppose I felt sorry for him.

For about 1 year he didn’t pay anything at all really, aside from a couple of take aways etc.

Then in the last 6 months he got a slightly better job so said he would take over food shopping and petrol and he has done this so he see’s this as a huge improvement.

TBH the resent has set in. I took my DD on holiday this year just us and he made me feel really guilty for it. So much so that it ruined the holiday for me tbh as he moaned and whined so much before, during and after. He felt I should have taken him. It’s all of this sort of thing I am just sick off and have the severe ick over now.

So he's in a low wage, but presumably it's minimum wage or over, so where is the rest of his money going?? If he's not been paying anything apart from food?

One question - do you pay your rent from your personal bank account in your name only? Or do you have a joint account?

If you pay it in your name only then that should support your conversation with the landlord, that he's not contributing.

I think you'll just have to tell him you are splitting up and from today he must pay half of the rent and bills, otherwise you'll hand in your notice. Then he will surely choose to leave and remove himself from the tenancy?

If he's petty he will force your hand but hopefully the landlord would set up a new tenancy.

Original poster

Rosettespur · 09/12/2024 10:40

Livingtothefull · 09/12/2024 09:04

Seriously OP - get rid of him. What kind of 'man' begrudges a mother spending time together on a holiday with her teenage DD? No wonder she doesn't like him. Did he even propose paying for himself when he tried to muscle in on your holiday? I somehow doubt it given you are paying for almost anything else.

Heaven knows what impact all this is having on your DD....even if she doesn't complain about it btw doesn't mean it isn't impacting her. The teen years are a sensitive enough time for a girl without this unpleasant dead weight in her home to contend with.

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No he didn’t offer to pay to come with but that wouldn’t have happened. I have taken her on this holiday every year since she was 4 even when I was with her dad (he never came either but was never a dickhead about it)

OP posts:

Original poster

Rosettespur · 09/12/2024 10:41

MyPithyPoster · 09/12/2024 10:09

What job does he do? Just out of interest? Is it a job that requires a enhance DBS ?
If so, he absolutely will not want the police calling to remove him from the property
Just a thought to give you a bit more leverage

No, he basically works in something like a car salesman, won’t say too much as it’s outing but on like £16,000 a year basic

OP posts:

Original poster

Rosettespur · 09/12/2024 10:42

glowinggg · 09/12/2024 10:20

So he's in a low wage, but presumably it's minimum wage or over, so where is the rest of his money going?? If he's not been paying anything apart from food?

One question - do you pay your rent from your personal bank account in your name only? Or do you have a joint account?

If you pay it in your name only then that should support your conversation with the landlord, that he's not contributing.

I think you'll just have to tell him you are splitting up and from today he must pay half of the rent and bills, otherwise you'll hand in your notice. Then he will surely choose to leave and remove himself from the tenancy?

If he's petty he will force your hand but hopefully the landlord would set up a new tenancy.

Show quote history

All finances are seperate. I pay it from my own bank account.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rosettespur · 09/12/2024 10:45

DD left for school and I spoke to him briefly this morning, told him I want him gone, I have no interest in the relationship anymore and I need him gone. He protested that it’s ridiculous based on one comment last night, I gave him other examples of shitty behaviour and he rolled his eyes as he clearly see’s that as petty too.

I told him it didn’t matter what he thought and he is to leave. He initially said ‘no way’ but then started with ‘where will I go? How can you do this to me etc’

Iv told him I’m not interested and he left for work.

Hopefully he will spend the day trying to figure something out

OP posts: