To feel hurt by MIL's condescending comments

[MumofMiniDivas]

My husband comes from a much wealthier background than I do. His family takes five holidays a year, went to private schools, and bought each kid a large London property when they turned 25. I went to grammar school, had 1–2 holidays a year, and while my parents helped with a deposit, they didn’t buy me a house outright (and yes I am aware that this is actually quite a privileged position, I am by no means poor but just explaining the contrast).

DH works for the family business, which his mum technically owns but doesn’t really run anymore—she’s basically retired, travels a lot, and leaves it to DH and his siblings. His sisters help out part-time when it suits them (since they’re looking after young kids), but DH and his brother run it full-time.

He’s super careful about what he says to his mum—she’s “always right,” and he avoids any conflict with her. Apparently, that’s just how it’s always been. Part of me thinks it’s also because they’re all a bit financially dependent on her. If she ever cut them out of the will or the business, their lifestyle would take a big hit.

I work part-time and take care of our daughters, who are 4 and 1, and I’m pregnant with our son. Even if I worked full-time, what I’d earn wouldn’t compare to what DH makes or receives from his family. He covers all the main expenses, and my salary is just for personal things like clothes, dinners with friends, or trips to the hairdresser. At home, DH is lovely: he’s hands-on with the kids, helps with chores, and is super thoughtful when it’s just us.

The issue is his mum. She makes comments that aren’t directly rude but feel like digs. For example, she buys our daughters designer clothes and says things like, “Girls should always dress in expensive clothes—it sets the tone for their self-worth and taste,” while I’m standing there in my Zara jumper.

At a family gathering, when people joked about my daughter becoming a vet because she loves animals, MIL said, “That’s such a messy job. Do women even enjoy working? It’s just something you do for money. She’ll have everything she needs—no need to work, especially not a messy job.”

She can also be condescending. When she was talking about her travel plans, she mentioned going to a fancy restaurant with my SIL and added, “I suppose you’ve never been there?” When I said I had, she replied, “Oh, who took you there?”

DH doesn’t really address it, saying it’s just how she is, and bringing it up would cause a big falling out. He tells me to rise above it and not take it personally, but honestly, it’s hard not to when the comments feel so pointed.

I 'third'th' thegreyrick BYTit has to be with a graceful smile on your face. If she can make your DH think any less of you - she will try. I'm sure she did her utmost to disuade him from marrying you since you don't hail from the echelon she respects. Have you or your DH ever talked of starting over away from the family business. Is he a shareholder or just an employee?

Your DH suddenly sounds like a terrible wimp. Can't he even resist expensive holidays with this with contaminating your kids? Why doesn't she need you to baby sit or does she get in a temporary nanny?

OP mentioned money earned but also money given, so presumably this concerns the latter.

OMG he is a total prick. Does he actually talk to you aout having to act the lackey? Why are you paying for your flight tickets? Can't he even say 'no thank you' and sit with his kids? You say you do go on holiday with them but you don't. You pay to go on holiday with them and get treated like crap while the Man stands by.

What she knows or doesn't know about your household financial arrangements is purely something you DH could be sharing with her. If he is then he should know he is putting a noose around your neck for her to pull the handle !

THIS!

Why does she have to know your every movement. Does he talk to her every day?

THIS !!

I'm glad it's not just me! Zara is aspirational for me (it'll probably never happen) yet OP:s making it sound like H&M!

So she gifts the goodies but has the last word on what it should be spent on! Some gift.

Did he show it to you and tell you where it is lodged?

Even if he re-wrote the will to include his wife and children, he can always re-write it again to disinherit them at any time, under pressure of his mummy. Even if he has deigned to care for his wife and children in his will, he is still keeping up the appearance of disinheriting them to his mother. The disrespect, devaluation, and humiliation of OP, is part of the MIL's enjoyment and is also part of how DH is failing his wife.

Further, OP is worse off, financially, than if she had simply married someone of modest means. She is LESS respected, LESS cared for, LESS financially secure, and has LESS access to marital assets than if her husband made the same salary but had no wealthy family in the background. Her husband is getting all the advantage of the marriage, having a loyal and loving wife who has birthed and cared for beautiful children, and who also earns an income. HIs wife is getting all the disadvantage, with a weak husband who doesn't ensure that his wife is cared for, treated respectfully, or given financial security within the marriage.

I just don't understand a man who could do that to his wife. Isn't he embarrassed to look in the mirror?

Even if the husband here is playing the long game that he will outlive his mother and get a huge inheritance, doesn't the very toxicity of this woman tell you that she's going to put it all into restrictive trusts that prevent him using the money except under very specific rules designed to exclude his wife from any benefit?

I think OP's painted a very clear character sketch here, and the MIL's position is not inconsistent. There's "Us" up here, VIPs, and "Others" down there, the little people of no importance. Us-ness is passed strictly through the bloodline, it can't be acquired.

Little people obviously have to work for whatever they need or want, as they have no inherent worth. One must be very careful not to indulge them, or they'll get ideas above their station and start wanting more. (She might feel it's rather like keeping fierce hounds: you have to keep them healthy & loyal, but you make sure they know who's boss or they could turn on you.)

It's nothing to do with sex, she understands herself as a kind of mini monarch. Her daughters will benefit from her largesse whether they marry billionaires or bin men - and the husbands won't.

OP, without blowing up your entire family situation, it seems the best you can do is sell the Hermes scarves, etc, and bank the proceeds. I'm very glad you have a house of your own; you'll need it if this gets too intolerable!

I'd be so tempted to be passive-aggressive and 'wittily' sarcastic with MIL, just for my own sake. But I reckon DH wouldn't have married a woman like me - he knows how his bread's buttered.

I meant to add that I don't think MIL would have been happy if her son had married the spoiled scion of an international tycoon. She wouldn't have been able to look down on a loaded wife: less fun for her if her DIL could buy the whole fucking plane instead of slumming it in the cheap seats.

Zara is my idea of expensive 😱

I agree with @aloris re the likelihood of will trusts - and also I would want to be sure that the marital home is owned by the H outright, as it might also be held in trust for H’s family.

I couldn’t stay married to someone who would sit in business while I was in economy.

Hi,
I am in a similar situation, my MIL partner has taken a dislike to me because I came from a council estate and had poor parenting etc etc. I work, my husband works and earns a high salary. My MIL has shared with me that her partner doesn’t like me as he thinks I’ve been dragged up from the gutter or such like. Plus there have been comments made such as ‘spending more of his money’ etc. I am only telling you this to acknowledge how hurtful it is to not feel accepted for who you are and where you have come from. My best advice would be what others have said and what I’ve done…distance yourself a little, don’t rise to the bait. You will probably find that nobody will challenge your MIL which in my case is infuriating cos it’s like they can say what they want and everyone else has to keep quiet and accept. You are in control of you, remind your daughters what is important to you and your family. Encourage them to enjoy and appreciate the little things. Hope you are ok.

Oh, @MumofMiniDivas 😬
The woman is FUBAR.
On the other hand, do you have writing inclinations? This is GOLD for a novel (although you'd have to soften some things because it wouldn't be believable 🤭).
I'm sorry, nobody deserves a malignant narcissist in their lives. I would say protect your children: when they are older (and less work) she'll reclaim them. To her you are just a vessel for her genes (I'm sorry to be so blunt): don't let her take them. Do not believe any golden children/scapegoats narrative re your children. Forget about boundaries: build a feckin fortress to shield them from the evil dragon. I kid you not: that woman is dangerous.
Forget your husband: it's your children in the long run you have to focus on. I really hope you find intelligent help 🙏
PS: read all you find about malignant narcissism and narcissistic family systems.

This is not about you, but all about her.Make light of her comments and ignore them. If you and DH are happy and he sees it as it is then just get on with it. She can clearly see she is not disturbing anything.

I gave up reading halfway through this thread.
There is no way I would be with a man who tolerated this treatment of his wife.
Disrespectful beyond words!
You do you.. I wish you well but I can't believe you are living like this...

But it's almost as though OP is leading a double life. The life at home with her DH and her kids which extends to the time with her own parents where her DH is a loving husband and dad and the life she leads when her MIL is there, where she travels in economy when her MIL, DH and children travel in business/first class and where she is like an (unpaid) nanny to her own children on holiday, while her DH and her MIL take part in adult activities to which OP is never invited. It's such a fucked up dynamic.

Cripes after reading your updates!! You very much have a DH problem. This isn’t about your MIL - it’s about your husband.

Women like your MIL are two a penny: they know the price of things but the value of nothing. They use money to control, to handle their loneliness and/or insecurity. Her money is her identity. It’s who she is, what her relationships are based on, the beginning and end of each day and indeed her life. Were her parents wealthy?

People like this get my pity. I understand why they are the way they are and I feel so sorry for them. In those quiet moments when they’re home alone, they cannot help thoughts creeping in about how empty they are and how fragile their lives are - without their money they have very little at all. They also know that their own children are partly around her for her money: her own children. She really has nothing. And the more the thoughts creep in, the worse their behaviour gets. These people are fundamentally miserable, they have a huge hole in their lives. It’s tragic, really.

She did sign up for that though; OP doesn't need to work, wages are for little luxuries, husband pays all bills. Right or wrong, OP is enacting her MIL's view of women's role.