To feel hurt by MIL's condescending comments

[MumofMiniDivas]

My husband comes from a much wealthier background than I do. His family takes five holidays a year, went to private schools, and bought each kid a large London property when they turned 25. I went to grammar school, had 1–2 holidays a year, and while my parents helped with a deposit, they didn’t buy me a house outright (and yes I am aware that this is actually quite a privileged position, I am by no means poor but just explaining the contrast).

DH works for the family business, which his mum technically owns but doesn’t really run anymore—she’s basically retired, travels a lot, and leaves it to DH and his siblings. His sisters help out part-time when it suits them (since they’re looking after young kids), but DH and his brother run it full-time.

He’s super careful about what he says to his mum—she’s “always right,” and he avoids any conflict with her. Apparently, that’s just how it’s always been. Part of me thinks it’s also because they’re all a bit financially dependent on her. If she ever cut them out of the will or the business, their lifestyle would take a big hit.

I work part-time and take care of our daughters, who are 4 and 1, and I’m pregnant with our son. Even if I worked full-time, what I’d earn wouldn’t compare to what DH makes or receives from his family. He covers all the main expenses, and my salary is just for personal things like clothes, dinners with friends, or trips to the hairdresser. At home, DH is lovely: he’s hands-on with the kids, helps with chores, and is super thoughtful when it’s just us.

The issue is his mum. She makes comments that aren’t directly rude but feel like digs. For example, she buys our daughters designer clothes and says things like, “Girls should always dress in expensive clothes—it sets the tone for their self-worth and taste,” while I’m standing there in my Zara jumper.

At a family gathering, when people joked about my daughter becoming a vet because she loves animals, MIL said, “That’s such a messy job. Do women even enjoy working? It’s just something you do for money. She’ll have everything she needs—no need to work, especially not a messy job.”

She can also be condescending. When she was talking about her travel plans, she mentioned going to a fancy restaurant with my SIL and added, “I suppose you’ve never been there?” When I said I had, she replied, “Oh, who took you there?”

DH doesn’t really address it, saying it’s just how she is, and bringing it up would cause a big falling out. He tells me to rise above it and not take it personally, but honestly, it’s hard not to when the comments feel so pointed.

She sounds absolutely dire

But she provides you and your family with your lifestyle

🤷

Well she may be wealthy but she’s completely lacking in class. The truly rich would never dream of saying any of those things, she’s embarrassing herself.

Well, if the OP’s entire life is only possible because her DH goes in terror of his mother cutting him out of the family business, then I’d say it’s a wake-up call for him to put the whole thing on a legal footing. And to grow up a bit. I can’t imagine pussyfooting around a parent to that extent outside of a novel.

Out of curiosity, if she owns the business did the created it and use to actively run it? Her comments about women working sound weird if that's the case, surely she knows how much work has gone into getting the family business to that level of worth...

Anyhow, if everyone else is otherwise fine, I would ignore. She is a bit of b*tch but the comments you mentioned aren't particularly mean or aggressive either, just stupid and ignorant. I would laugh it off tbh.

I can assure you that the ‘truly rich’ are no more likely to be pleasant individuals than a random population sample. Probably the contrary, since having a lot of money can buy you a certain kind of immunity from the consequences of your own unpleasantness, as here.

Yes, that’s true. The point I was trying to make was that people who put down others based on their own wealth are vulgar. It’s actually a sign of their own insecurities.

Honestly, just ignore it. I actually doubt she notices what she says isn’t taking you into account. My mother in law was patronising and stupid too, but didn’t help us financially, so…. Count your blessings and go your own merry way, I say. Enjoy your lovely life and don’t sweat the small stuff.

My mil said my job was “for pocket money” 🙄🙄. Ok I took a few years out but now matching her sons salary and I’m a solicitor not doing a sodding paper round.

I'd put up with that quite happily if I meant my DH covered all expenses and my income was purely pocket money like a teen still living at home! 💷💷💷💷💷💷💷💷💷

Or howl with laughter, slap her on the back and say “that’s such a good one Mary. We’re like chalk and cheese eh? Good job my snuggly bunny loves cheese” with a big wink at DH. Should shut them both up for a bit.

Presumably this was evident a) before the wedding, b) before baby 1, c) before baby 2 etc.

This is what you chose to marry into.

Avoid her at all costs. Grey rock when she can't be avoided. Good luck!

Well, quite-none of this is a surprise to you, I’m sure!

She funds your house and lifestyle whilst you don’t work-you either put up with that or you both need to find jobs, childcare and accommodation off your own bat which probably won’t be as nice or as fun.

If your husband doesn’t want to do this though, you’ll probably find yourself divorced and having to work full time whilst he continues safely protected by the bosom of his family as he always has been.

She sounds like an insufferable snobby misogynistic bore.

I agree with the grey rock approach - don’t rise to her baiting she’s not worth the drama.

Well that's... half the point! I'm by no means poor, although the behaviour wouldn't be justified even if I was, but she acts like I'm a beggar, who has never travelled anywhere, and have married her dear son.
She refers to non designer clothes bought by us as "just play clothes" and says to me "surely she wouldn't go anywhere except the park in those?" (this was actually about some Zara kids jeans).

And yes I do love Zara 😄

Heck, she sounds like Bette Davies the matriach in 'The Anniversary' she was a complete pita, maniputive and wonderfully snippy with her sons and dils. The rod of iron and played her sons like puppets because she had the money and they relied on her.
Great film though,

She sound like a snob in every way. Grey rock or tinkerly laugh.

Your husbands learned that he can't change her or her opinions. Your whole income is around a business she is or was directly involved in. You know his views arnt the same as his mother's so just ignore or eye roll

All those PP saying, 'you're getting the nice lifestyle, so you're not entitled to say anything' - yes, you ARE entitled to say something, OP! You have every right to be offended when you are patronised by this awful woman. And I expect you married your DH because you loved him, not so you could live off him, so the wealth is really by the by.

I think you should make a real effort to inculcate non-materialistic, non-class-based values into your DC and you should also calmly challenge your mother-in-law on these remarks. I would be tempted to point out to her that she appears to know the price of everything but the value of nothing.

She sounds insufferably rude and snobbish. If you're not allowed to answer back, could you just see much less of her?

Does she still have control over the business? Would she punish your DH if you said you didn't want to see her any more?

Ignore her, she sounds bat shit crazy and bored.

Just grey rock her and tell your daughters and your son that their worth is not determined by clothing.

PS I aspire to Zara!

See her as little as possible. Don't be rude, but say as little as you can to her and show as little interest in her affairs as you can get away with. Being absorbed in your children will work to move the conversation on 99% of the time. (When she's really getting on your nerves, a well placed giggle that you immediately smother and apologise for can feel like a great tonic!)

Spend all the money she gives you. And just be patient!

• said every woman who married into money I reckon

He’s super careful about what he says to his mum—she’s “always right,” and he avoids any conflict with her. Apparently, that’s just how it’s always been. Part of me thinks it’s also because they’re all a bit financially dependent on her. If she ever cut them out of the will or the business, their lifestyle would take a big hit.

Nowhere near.
His job is a 9-5 most of the time, he is in his early 30s getting what most of our friends will never dream of earning. I say getting rather than earning because his earnings are high but not extortionate (not dissimilar to what my parents earned), but he gets pretty expensive gifts from his mum which subsidise the lifestyle, like a car for a random (non round) birthday, brand new designer clothing, the house obviously, promises of a new house if it's ever needed, tickets to exclusive / expensive events (only for him or children, without me) , children's private school paid for, expensive holidays (but only with his mum, our "family" holidays are nice but more modest in comparison)

Have some fun with it. When she asks if you’ve ever eaten at La Petit Auberge, reply, “Well, not exactly eaten there - but if you go round the back at closing with a Tupperware, sometimes they’ll take pity on you and give you the scraps”. If she makes comments about the importance of expensive clothes, say, “You’re right there. I found a lovely Marks and Spencer’s coat in a skip and it’s cleaned up a treat! It’s a crying shame what some folk’ll chuck away because of a couple of stains!”

A good example of 'money does not equal manners'. You haven't married above your station, please don't think that. After all, they are not landed gentry. They are as 'middle class' as your family, they just happen to have made (seemingly) more than yours.
Sadly, some who have made loadsa money cannot help but think it's ok to belittle those they see as below them. That's rude, but a sign of their imposter syndrome.
Appreciate this doesn't really help; she is unlikely to change. Rise above it and show her that despite your 'impoverished' life, you have manners and know how to behave with others, no matter their 'station'