To feel hurt by MIL's condescending comments

[MumofMiniDivas]

My husband comes from a much wealthier background than I do. His family takes five holidays a year, went to private schools, and bought each kid a large London property when they turned 25. I went to grammar school, had 1–2 holidays a year, and while my parents helped with a deposit, they didn’t buy me a house outright (and yes I am aware that this is actually quite a privileged position, I am by no means poor but just explaining the contrast).

DH works for the family business, which his mum technically owns but doesn’t really run anymore—she’s basically retired, travels a lot, and leaves it to DH and his siblings. His sisters help out part-time when it suits them (since they’re looking after young kids), but DH and his brother run it full-time.

He’s super careful about what he says to his mum—she’s “always right,” and he avoids any conflict with her. Apparently, that’s just how it’s always been. Part of me thinks it’s also because they’re all a bit financially dependent on her. If she ever cut them out of the will or the business, their lifestyle would take a big hit.

I work part-time and take care of our daughters, who are 4 and 1, and I’m pregnant with our son. Even if I worked full-time, what I’d earn wouldn’t compare to what DH makes or receives from his family. He covers all the main expenses, and my salary is just for personal things like clothes, dinners with friends, or trips to the hairdresser. At home, DH is lovely: he’s hands-on with the kids, helps with chores, and is super thoughtful when it’s just us.

The issue is his mum. She makes comments that aren’t directly rude but feel like digs. For example, she buys our daughters designer clothes and says things like, “Girls should always dress in expensive clothes—it sets the tone for their self-worth and taste,” while I’m standing there in my Zara jumper.

At a family gathering, when people joked about my daughter becoming a vet because she loves animals, MIL said, “That’s such a messy job. Do women even enjoy working? It’s just something you do for money. She’ll have everything she needs—no need to work, especially not a messy job.”

She can also be condescending. When she was talking about her travel plans, she mentioned going to a fancy restaurant with my SIL and added, “I suppose you’ve never been there?” When I said I had, she replied, “Oh, who took you there?”

DH doesn’t really address it, saying it’s just how she is, and bringing it up would cause a big falling out. He tells me to rise above it and not take it personally, but honestly, it’s hard not to when the comments feel so pointed.

Because when I've refused to go it causes a giant argument between DH and I, he is stressed making excuses to his mum. If he was to genuinely say it's me not wanting to go he'd get told that I'm a horrible person driving a wedge between his family and him, and he'd find life harder because all of a sudden MIL wants to see a lot of our kids and him but I'm not invited, it would be awkward and horrible for DH a lot more than for me.

Exactly.

I’d be far more worried about what example is being set to your daughters. Do they not wonder why the whole family is flying out on holiday together in business class except for mummy who’s got to sit on her own in economy?

At home he is lovely to me, he is very much an equal partner, outside of work hours he will be either with the children or doing housework, he is respectful... (until MIL comes onto the scene).

But you can’t have a cleaner, or run your family finances how you please, he can’t buy you gifts, if you were a SAHP he’d potentially not provide financially to the correct extent, he’s complicit in the disrespect of you, he’d choose his mother and her money over you and your emotions.

You can put up with a few remarks if she is all right most of the time and good with your children. I doubt she intends to wound you, she knows no better is all.

I wonder what her background is.

My mother came from a very poor but respectable background, the youngest of ten, and became an awful snob. She was always disparaging about other people, though not to their faces, and went around with an air of superiority. She never, ever worked after marriage at 22. Can you imagine that? Especially as she was married 18.5 years before I put in an appearance and she lived in a flat until I was 15 months old, when we moved to a two bed house with garden back and front. At which point she believed she'd 'arrived'. She was embarrassing with her sniffy remarks and the fake accent she put on when talking to anyone outside of the family. However she was good in man respects and when I became a mother, was a sterling support and a marvellous, fun grandmother.

My mother in law, younger than my mum, had a very good job until she became a mother and then never worked outside the home again. She regretted that after a fairly long time but felt she left it too late to return to work. She did some training and worked for a short while helping to run a pre-school playgroup but never really got into the work force. Her family was a bit better off than mine but she went around feeling inferior to everyone which she certainly was not!

They all lived through the second world war of course, which impacted their lives.

All we can do, as parents, is to be ourselves, caring and fun, reliable and confident which will instill confidence in our children. They are the ones who really matter and the first values they learn are from their parents. I only had one who is great, a good person who cares about social issues, fairly intellectual (compared to me and dad :)), fun at times and confident with not an ounce of snobbery.

I worked - for the money as your mother in law suggested - part time at first and later full time. I thoroughly enjoyed working and managed to carve out a moderate career for myself after a few false starts. My husband also did quite well.

Both our mothers were proud of us and, as they got old and were widowed, came to us for advice and support. When we were younger I expect they worried at times and probably thought I was a 'fly-by-night'.

You are doing great, op, and will do even better as time goes on but you are not in competition with anyone. Just be yourself, you sound great.

Relax, enjoy your life and your work; always take time for yourself, that is very important.

You'll grow in confidence and when mother makes a remark, laugh it off, don't take it seriously, and move on. If your kids are happy and thriving, that's all that matters. In time you will be a woman of substance, just wait and see, and the 'oldies' will be in awe of you.

Are you sure that it’s genuinely owned by him and not in trust?

Because it doesn’t add up to be honest - she will begrudge you a haircut from his earned salary but ‘allow’ you to own half of ‘his’ house and car? Because if they’re not in trust and you divorce, you will be entitled to half. I’d want to check on this if I was you!

We will be buying a house for our daughter when she is older and it will absolutely be in trust so that she can’t lose half in any possible divorce, and we have considerably fewer assets than your MIL….it feels unlikely that it will have just been given with no consideration for future possible relationship breakdowns.

But he is only lovely to you behind closed doors. When any of the family are present he treats you and allows your MIL to treat you as an inferior.

Your children will pick up on your MIL's contempt for you and your DH won't challenge it. I think it is a very damaging family dynamic.

What do your parents think about how you are treated? Do they know that your DH never sticks up for you?

@Nina1013 it's in his name and there is a pre nup to ensure I don't get half (I am aware that the prenup will likely be disregarded as we have 3 children and I am on much lower income)

None so blind as those who will not see.

Of course he can tear up the prenup. Why doesn’t he? He continues to collude in your second class status and both of you are aware that if he pushed back his mother would punish him by removing treats/gifts and, if he stood firm, would go around him and bribe the children with money/gifts/education etc…in order to have new complaisant playmates. She will ultimately choose favorites among the grandchildren snd, for example, refuse to pay for the ones that remind her of you, or who side with you, or offer the boys more suppirt than the girls.

This toxic favoritism and mind fucking will not leave your children unscathed.

@thepariscrimefiles
What do your parents think about how you are treated? Do they know that your DH never sticks up for you?

My parents and DH have a really lovely relationship. He's kind, considerate to them, he wants them involved with our children, he actually seems a lot more relaxed around my parents than MIL. My parents also really like him, he's always welcome at our family house... I don't see what good it would be to complain to them about DH or MIL. They know I'm not the biggest fan of MIL but not all the details. I don't see the point of complaining to parents if you plan to be married to DH - you might forget the argument or move on but parents don't.

I feel it's hard to convey the situation for someone who isn't in it ie not family, hasn't met MIL.
Your posts have conveyed the situation very well.

DH wouldn't let go of the financial benefits because he's so used to them.
That will never change

I just don't want the toxicity and to be made to feel inferior around his MIL
That will never change - she is who she is.
But only you can allow yourself to be "made to" feel inferior. Your reaction is within your control. It is up to you whether you feel inferior or not.

I've spoken to him a million times, will likely discuss again but each time he refuses to do anything.
And that also will never change. The conversations are pointless. Stop trying to get him to change.

Either accept the situation and work on your responses, or divorce him.
You can't change other people.

Anyway, OP, to answer your thread title: No, of course YANBU to be hurt by your MIL’s condescending comments.

But it seems there’s fuck all point to being hurt as she’s made it crystal clear what she thinks of you and any others she doesn’t like, so why do you care for her opinion anyway?

(And the answer to that is, you DGAF about your MIL’s opinion but you’re really understandably extremely deeply hurt by your husband’s complicity in treating you this way.)

Of course she helped build the business. My husband owns his own business. I don't pick up a screwdriver but I support him and our family in every other way to help the business become a success. I presume your husband didn't bring himself up?

What would happen if you and your DH formed a united front and he told her that he wasn't happy with your being treated as a second class citizen in front of your own children?

He honestly doesn't seem to care about how upsetting this is for you and what a terrible example he is setting for your children.

OMG that's awful! And your 'D'H lets her do that to you??!!

@neverhadnooneever my husband was largely brought up by nannies and boarding school, so in that sense I'm contributing more to the success than she ever did (by raising DH's kids whilst he works).
She says herself she did not contribute to the business itself and knew very little about it.

I would get this thread deleted. Imagine it's rather identifying.

Your DH will not rock the boat, so you need to just smile and nod and ignore.

Personally I don't think it's a bad problem to have. You are financially very comfortable largely due to her. If I were you I would grin and bear it.

You have made your very soft and expensive bed Op and now you must lie in it. I should just shut up enjoy the good bits....or call her out, fall out and accept the drastic drop in lifestyle. You sold your soul when you married him.

What would happen if you and your DH formed a united front and he told her that he wasn't happy with your being treated as a second class citizen in front of your own children?

This.

My parents also really like him, he's always welcome at our family house...I don't see what good it would be to complain to them about DH or MIL. They know I'm not the biggest fan of MIL but not all the details.

Have you never told them or your friends that you have to sit in economy class whilst the rest of the family sit in business?

Your children will start telling people-family, friends, teachers…

This sounds like she enjoys torturing you and watching your DH squirm at the same time.

You must feel like you are losing your mind sometimes when you are treated like a non entity by your MIL and DH in MIL’s company. It is duplicitous of your DH to act like this.

MIL could live to a 100 and you would be in your 70’s and still living under this regime. It is heartbreaking.

So he's got his own income (albeit from mummy's business) but he's still "told" what to spend it on and "forbidden" to spend on you?
Batshit. What kind of a man is your DH to be ok with this really ??
Sorry but I couldn't live like this or respect a puppet-husband, who wouldn't make a stand or have a higher set of values. Not to mention raising children in such a family - no way. You can do your grey rocking all day long, but if you say and do nothing about this, your children will continue absorbing influence from both your MIL and DH.

My line would be to make a joke out of the whole thing. Not take it seriously.

Oh: look up Boarding School Syndrome. This explains a lot of how infantile snd unassertive your dh is. I see why you pity him too much to abandon him. And why you basically expect nothing from him when he is near his mother.

Girls should always dress in expensive clothes—it sets the tone for their self-worth and taste,”

My response: “So true darling - a million dollars in Maxmara - a dime in Zara.”

This is more than talking to your parents about a single argument. This is about the completely disrespectful way you are treated by your MIL and by your DH because he never ever challenges his mum.

He should feel so guilty about the lovely way your parents treat him and welcome him to their home, in contrast to your treatment by his mum.

The image of your sitting in Economy but having to keep rushing up to first/business class whenever your children need anything, like a paid member of staff, is appalling.

I would find it unforgiveable if I found out that my daughter was being treated like you are by her MIL, and, by his failure to challenge this behaviour, by her DH.