to be too exhausted by training contract to have sex

[HildegardVonBingham]

Hi all

I've just started my training contract at a city firm. The firm are inexplicably making us do the SQE (famously hard exams - c.44% pass) alongside the training contract. We get a day off once a week, but realistically you have to do extra work before or after work or at the weekends.

I'm not really enjoying the work - it is a steep learning curve - and studying alongside it feels relentless. As a result I am often too tired to have sex. I would say we do it about once a week, and DP and I had a massive barney about it this morning. DP tried to initiate sex several times this week and I didn't want to because I'd had an awful week at work and massively cocked something up. DP feels unloved and rejected because I don't want to have sex, and I shouted that I feel that all I do is work, study, and go to the fucking shops of do fucking washing up. I just think it's really selfish to not understand that when I'm tired and have had a shit week the last thing I want is to have sex. DP's job is quite relaxed, and this makes me feel extra martyrly and irritable.

AIBU!!!!

.... ladies..... I need to know if IABU or not...!!!!

You are definitely not being unreasonable!

You chose a training contract at a city firm, that's exactly what it's like, and you risk burnout going forward from here.

Are you being unreasonable- it's what your partner thinks that's relevant surely, but sex is a good way to wind down.

YANBU you're under massive strain and he is showing you who he is, believe him.

So, I thought it was in your work contract to have sex and you were exhausted by it.

Sex is a great way to wind down, with someone who is supportive and pulling their weight.

Not so much with someone who is chilled waiting for you to do the shopping and chores.

Fucking hell! Of course she’s not being unreasonable not wanting to have sex because she’s tired and stressed and just doesn’t feel like it!! 🙄😡

Ignore this utter bollocks @HildegardVonBingham

Any person having a mardy because their partner refuses sex, because they are exhausted, is an absolute twat.

He’s a sex pest, he’s unreasonable you are not unreasonable.

Good luck with your studies.

@YellowSwanFrom im glad I’m not the only one!
OP instead of supporting you (helping around to lessen your load, being understanding) he is creating another ‘chore’ for you. YANBU

If this was time limited I'd say YANBU. But what's the end point here? Do you see this as a temporary difficult period whilst you get the hang of things, or are you likely to be this burnt out for months/years to come?

It's never okay to hassle someone for sex and your DP isn't being a good person here, but equally if you have taken a job that means your relationship takes a back seat in the medium-to-long term you can't expect things to carry on the way they were before.

He's not a sex pest and you're not unreasonable. Nobody owes anyone a relationship. You have changed the terms of the relationship, so he might not be happy with it and leave. Depends on the other stuff.
He probably thinks that this is the new norm going forward (which may have some truth to it if you are going for partner).

Why are you only having one day off per week?

It is never unreasonable to not want sex for any reason.

However maybe it was unreasonable to take this job and expect your relationship to stand the strain?

Your partner isn't unreasonable to want a partner.

Your partner sounds awful.

How about he takes some of the load off you at home?Couldn't he wash up and do the shopping/cooking?

Perhaps if you felt more supported by him you would feel more like having sex with him.

Is DP doing his fair share of housework?

You sound depressed and burnt out to be honest. A good partner would be supporting you, not badgering you for a shag.

To clarify what I said - this is the life that a city lawyer has, you're always knackered, stressed, busy, working late etc. You either incorporate your relationship into that lifestyle, or long term you risk losing it.

I'm not saying anything other than that.

I would stop digging if I were you.

it doesn’t sound like he’s supporting your career, so not a “DP”.

do you have kids?

@Katela18 it is a new TC apprenticeship model - so we have to have one day off a week for study, but naturally we have about 16 hours' worth of study to squeeze into one day. I know that I should feel lucky to have the job - it's so competitive to get a TC - but I just find it all a bit hard ...

She’s right though. It’s not for everyone.

He wants you to have sex when you don’t want to? And he sulks and moans when you don’t do what he wants sexually? You know what that is don’t you?

And you don’t have to explain to us or him or anyone at length why you don’t want to. Just “I don’t want to” is enough.

What she’s said isn’t right.

It is right in many cases. As I said, it isn’t for everyone. You can either roll with it and enjoy your life alongside the job or maybe another way of practising the law is better rather than city private practice. If someone is incredibly stressed as a trainee when you have zero responsibility for anything how will you cope as a senior associate and beyond?

You're entitled to not want sex, but he's entitled to want sex in a relationship (want - not necessarily get).

I'd think about how your response to stress is affecting your realtionship, though. How much does he do around the house? Is he generally supportive and helpful?

It's why plenty of really bright and brilliant lawyers turn their back on city law. It's just so hideously unhealthy as a lifestyle

Either you and your partner need to accept that this is what the next decade or two will be like, or decide your expectations are incompatible.

His behaviour isn't ok but fundamentally right now you don't have time for a relationship