to be too exhausted by training contract to have sex

[HildegardVonBingham]

Hi all

I've just started my training contract at a city firm. The firm are inexplicably making us do the SQE (famously hard exams - c.44% pass) alongside the training contract. We get a day off once a week, but realistically you have to do extra work before or after work or at the weekends.

I'm not really enjoying the work - it is a steep learning curve - and studying alongside it feels relentless. As a result I am often too tired to have sex. I would say we do it about once a week, and DP and I had a massive barney about it this morning. DP tried to initiate sex several times this week and I didn't want to because I'd had an awful week at work and massively cocked something up. DP feels unloved and rejected because I don't want to have sex, and I shouted that I feel that all I do is work, study, and go to the fucking shops of do fucking washing up. I just think it's really selfish to not understand that when I'm tired and have had a shit week the last thing I want is to have sex. DP's job is quite relaxed, and this makes me feel extra martyrly and irritable.

AIBU!!!!

I'd agree. It's brutal. And it only gets worse post qualification too.
If your partner is an unsupportive arse now, I'd get rid.

Mrs Bobbit ???

My dearest friend took the city lawyer route. She poured her heart and soul into the job and really thought it mattered.

Took a 12 months sabbatical at 38 to do IVF and was not successful. Tried to go back to her role after 12 months and they didn’t want her. The firm didn’t care. It had moved on from her. She was shocked she thought all the years of crazy hours and relationship building meant something. It didn’t.

What do you really want from life, OP?

YANBU but I don't think the work set up is unusual. I'm at a national firm and we do SQE alongside training contract and they only get Wednesday afternoon as study leave

is this a life?

Having someone pestering you for sex is never a good way to wind down.

Wow. I make sure mine trainees had a day off a week, and that their workload was lightened near exams etc.

We had apprenticeship funding and you had to confirm they were getting a specified amount of study leave each week, or you were in breach of the rules

So, two issues:

1. the bf sounds infantile and self-centred, as well as selfish. He should be supporting you, not adding to your stress.

2. stressful job. City TC is always stressful. Bring qualified will be more stressful but you don't have to stay in private practice forever. Qualify, get some experience under your belt and then look around. You will find plenty of interesting roles that allow you to have a more normal life.

But most of all seriously consider whether the BF has the potential to go anywhere. As others have said, life gets much more stressful once you are responsible for your own work, and, in time, other people's. A supportive partner is essential, and they need to understand your role enough to know how to support without you having to ask. Otherwise you will burn out from double stress at home and at work.

No you are not being unreasonable but nor is the men who don't want to have sex and the women complain on here 'he is going off me, I am ttc, he is cheating, I have a high libido' and may other complaints from women

My brother worked for a magic circle firm, he worked himself to getting cancer and then left the profession. A colleague of mine stepped off the roof one day at work. I had a nervous breakdown mid-career. Looking back, nothing I ever worked on in my corporate life has endured or has made any difference even though it seemed critically important at the time.

It's good to strive and be successful in your career. However, you need to remember that work isn't real, it's not life. Take care of yourself.

Friend did their SQE quite a few years ago - can you get past papers to look at? Would this help?

Jobs like that are barely compatible with relationships. It depends what you want from life.

One of the most common deathbed regrets is spending a lot of time working instead of with loved ones.

You're not saying you're tired temporarily because of a tricky patch or illness or something, this is how your life will be on this path. You don't owe anyone sex but your partner also doesn't have to stick with someone who's basically absent.

I have to say, once again, that this is the most depressingly and shockingly misogynistic thread I have read on mn for a long time. And that’s in a strong field.

You've had a glimpse of what this man will be like if you go off sex in the future, if you're pregnant/ looking after kids, if you're stressed and knackered caring for elderly parents, or a busy period at work or when menopause comes. If he's pestering, sulking and starting an argument rather than asking how he can help this tells you a lot about what he thinks is important and, sad to say, it isn't your feelings :(

If you plan to stay working in the City I'd ditch your DP now. In some ways it will get easier once your SQE is out the way, but it is a demanding job and you'll always have periods of long hours. Throughout my career I've had periods where I do nothing but work and sleep, and frankly sex is the last thing on my mind then.

With a job like that you need an incredibly understanding and supportive partner who isn't going to moan.

Ditch him or the job.

It sounds like this was not actually a formal sabbatical: those are usually agreed in writing beforehand with an agreed return date, and the employee stays "employed" during that time, though often unpaid. If she actually left their employment with an intention of being re-hired at some unspecified point in future, she should have known that there was a high risk that they'd hire someone else to do the work. They can't fire that second person to give your friend her old job back, it's illegal.

Poor answer. I don’t think anyone has said anything remotely like saying that her partner is entitled to expect sex. People are making the point that this is a long term issue, not a short term one, and that dealing with it might mean doing something radical - whether that’s a different partner or a different career or something else entirely.

@Dash0Cal poor answer? Erm, thanks for the feedback. Except that is absolutely what lots of people on this thread are saying.

Man you sound so hard working and what a hard place to be. Im sending a hug. Sex is important to any relationship but so is love and compassion. it sounds like everything is just hard at the moment.

@BitOutOfPractice I haven’t seen anyone saying the bf is entitled to expect sex, crucially from OP.

Many have said that if he wants to have sex more than she does then they are incompatible and should split up. Certainly, if he’s complaining about it or putting pressure on her then she should get rid asap.

I don’t think anyone has said OP should be having sex if she doesn’t want to or must “perform on demand for her man”.

But OP herself has linked her (lack of) sex drive to her job. Sex is - should be - a normal, positive part of life. If her work is stopping her from having/enjoying sex then it really is worth questioning whether something about the work needs to change. In that context it is also worth pointing out that her job is only going to get more stressful (long term), not less.

Yep. This is in fact about both the crap partner and the issues with the job. There is no one single actual issue. They're both relevant.

Are we reading different threads?

Noone is suggesting she owes her partner sex.

But it's clear her job is incompatible with any kind of life outside it (whether friends, hobbies or a relationship). And that doesn't mean op is wrong for wanting to put the job first, she just has to make peace with what the next year's will look like

I did similar juggling a high pressure job with single parenthood for years. I don't regret it, it was the right thing for me to do, to provide financial security after leaving my abusive ex. But I had to accept it was at the cost of friendships and my health.

Yes the relationships that last this are either the ones where both partners have similar jobs (and outsourced the cleaning etc ) or where one partner is happy to be in full on "support partner" mode and pick up all the slack at home and accept there may be times their partner js fully focused on work for long stretches

There a lot of nonsense here as well as pockets of sense. The idea that this is how it will always be is incorrect. Yes working in an all encompassing role while studying for a very difficult exam is a nightmare and yes relationships will take a back seat just now, but it won’t be forever. The studying will end, the poster will qualify and she will complete her traineeship at a great firm.

She doesnt have to stay there - she can move to a regional firm/ go in-house, look around a bit. Or she may end up loving City law. Don’t be influenced by those who are ‘stuck’. There’s a big world away from Magic Circle law where lawyers still earn very well and have more quality of life.

Stop thinking about your partner. What do you want/ need just now? If he’s not it and making your life worse, dump him. You need the support and friendship of others in the same position.

Why isn't he doing the fucking washing up?

Is he backing you at all in this?