to be too exhausted by training contract to have sex

[HildegardVonBingham]

Hi all

I've just started my training contract at a city firm. The firm are inexplicably making us do the SQE (famously hard exams - c.44% pass) alongside the training contract. We get a day off once a week, but realistically you have to do extra work before or after work or at the weekends.

I'm not really enjoying the work - it is a steep learning curve - and studying alongside it feels relentless. As a result I am often too tired to have sex. I would say we do it about once a week, and DP and I had a massive barney about it this morning. DP tried to initiate sex several times this week and I didn't want to because I'd had an awful week at work and massively cocked something up. DP feels unloved and rejected because I don't want to have sex, and I shouted that I feel that all I do is work, study, and go to the fucking shops of do fucking washing up. I just think it's really selfish to not understand that when I'm tired and have had a shit week the last thing I want is to have sex. DP's job is quite relaxed, and this makes me feel extra martyrly and irritable.

AIBU!!!!

It sounds like you dont have the time for a partner who doesnt get it.

Having briefly been a bid manager for a mid sized firm I agree.

It sounds like she doesn't have time for a partner full stop. 😆

The age-old barney: men want sex; even the most mild-mannered, seemingly lovely men are surprisingly persistent and all the more persuasive if they are otherwise lovely.

So 'man up' as the phrase goes: show the man how it's done and focus on your career. Fit your own mask first, as they say on the airplanes. Build your house, they will come knocking.

TLDR:
Mainly men just want sex. So when you're ready to tolerate one, choose a capable one. My DH was a wizard. He could DIY better than handy men and could read a spread sheet too. He could rake the garden, keeping the plants alive but loved a posh dinner, classical music concert and formal church service.

Earning your stripes now means that you can pick and choose because you are not beholden to them in any way. The best of them will relish an equal who can hold up her end.

Men still cannot imgaine women not wanting to have sex WITH THEM (and many women really don't want sex as much as men) nor can they imagine that a person would be so focused on career that sex takes a backseat - even though they do this themselves. *Consider how many men you know who have paused dating for career.

Earn your certificates (whatever they're called; you know what I mean), those at least, are dependable. Don't scupper your career on a man and then end up being ditched. This is how they've really fucked us for millenia.

When you are fully qualified and earning the big bucks, you will be highly sought after by the men who ... see above *

It sounds sexist but it's really 'pro self-ist': continue with the training, ditch the whinger, and earn the place/qualification. All men would do the same. (and they'd be shagging someone on the side who might makes all kinds of sacrifices only to be dumped at the end.

I'd suggest a frank discussion with your partner. He isn't wrong in wanting more sex, nor are you for not.

It is often a woman will post on here that hubby has withdrawn that intimacy and she will get told to leave, get action elsewhere etc. You both need to decide is this level of intimacy good enought to keep you together.

How long have you been together? Honestly you’ll regret it if you prioritise a bf over qualifying.
I’d simplify your food - ready meals/meal prep service. You don’t need to be wasting time shopping and washing up.

Honestly, if he is not doing half the cooking, cleaning etc, I would dump him. I don't say that flippantly, this is your life and if you stay with him it will continue to be your life. You are under stress, what is he doing to support you?

If you can't answer that question and you are looking for a life partner, then I'd move on.

Do you have the lpc?

Two thoughts:

1. the lifestyle and understanding when your other half is under the cosh is why so many lawyers end up with other lawyers/ investment professionals/ big four corp financiers; despite enjoying the money (!) partners not in these kind of careers can fail to understand/ sympathise
2. if the hours and pressure aren’t for you, you can always move on ONCE you have your qualification.

As a mum to someone your age, never let a man hold you back.

You’d do well to team up with colleagues / other trainees to support each other. If he can’t provide that support, he’s not for you.

YANBU. I've seen this play out so so many times in city law firms. It never ends well.

@HildegardVonBingham unless he is absolutely the one, I think you’d do well to be on your own right now. You’ve done fantastically well to get this opportunity. Focus hard and you’ll come through the other end. As you know, once you’re qualified you’re qualified and nobody can take that away from you. I had children during my TC and a husband. If I had the choice to get my TC before all of that it would have been wonderful. Best of luck.

Meant to say, YNBU!

this really does sound tough. Sorry but if DP can’t be supportive during this time it doesn’t say much.

Agree. If anything he should be doing much more than half until her exams are over

You would’ve thought, wouldn’t you, that a load of lawyers would have been able to ignore the “we are all lawyers and we work harder than anyone ever” noise and realise that the OP’s specific occupation isn’t the actual issue. To be incisive enough to recognise actual issue - not the very specific law exams but a woman under pressure at work being expected to perform on demand for her man.

not one of them has wondered what the OP’s DP’s occupation is. Too busy rushing to condemn the op for lack of gumption. Too busy telling her she’ll never make in their uniquely pressurised world. And that her partner is entitled to expect sex regardless.

what an utterly utterly depressing thread.

The day off is during the week to study for SQE

@Spirallingdownwards sure the SQE alongside full time work is stressful, but I can assure you that it is very far from the most stressful period in her career, if she sticks at it (try being partner track with a 2000 hr billing target plus a load of BD and management responsibilities, plus 2 small children, and being actually responsible for not only your own work but the work and wellbeing of numerous others, just to give a personal example!).

That aside OP, no one should ever be forced to have sex when they don’t want to. Ever. Or made to feel like they should have more sex than they want.

If he is putting pressure on you, and continues to do so after you’ve told him how you feel, then dump him. He’s not a good person and won’t be a good partner even if you do get your sex drive back.

But more long term, whether with this partner or someone else, if you are feeling so under pressure at work that your libido is affected, then I would seriously question whether this is the right career for you. It is possible to do this job and have a normal sex life, so I guess you need to work out whether you are in a rough patch/a period of adjustment right now, or whether you would be happier, and back to your usual self, with different levels of stress/lower demands. It’s a really hard life and there is no shame in deciding it’s not for you. Whatever you do, put yourself first.

100%. I don't know why I pulled my punch there.

Ah sorry, I misunderstood and thought you meant you were working 6 days per week!

Do you have a useless lump at home who's demanding sex and not going to the shops or washing up?

This may sound harsh, but it is true. This life is very harsh and doesn’t ever really get better.

Yanbu. If he’s like this now imagine what he will be like if you have kids!

LTB

This 100% ^