to be too exhausted by training contract to have sex

[HildegardVonBingham]

Hi all

I've just started my training contract at a city firm. The firm are inexplicably making us do the SQE (famously hard exams - c.44% pass) alongside the training contract. We get a day off once a week, but realistically you have to do extra work before or after work or at the weekends.

I'm not really enjoying the work - it is a steep learning curve - and studying alongside it feels relentless. As a result I am often too tired to have sex. I would say we do it about once a week, and DP and I had a massive barney about it this morning. DP tried to initiate sex several times this week and I didn't want to because I'd had an awful week at work and massively cocked something up. DP feels unloved and rejected because I don't want to have sex, and I shouted that I feel that all I do is work, study, and go to the fucking shops of do fucking washing up. I just think it's really selfish to not understand that when I'm tired and have had a shit week the last thing I want is to have sex. DP's job is quite relaxed, and this makes me feel extra martyrly and irritable.

AIBU!!!!

I think it gets progressively harder until you’ve been an equity partner for a few years, and then it gets easier (although still the same amount of work- it’s just you’ve been round the block enough times to manage how it affects you).

Obviously you shouldn’t be having sec you don’t want. But I’d also suggest thinking about long term plans and how you see things going. The thing that’s making it extra hard is the SQE but other things will come along after that, so you need to find an MO that works for you long term. Minimise everything that isn’t either work or pleasure- get a cleaner, get your shopping delivered etc etc.

Also private practice isn’t for everyone, but would suggest you qualify and get a few years’ pqe to maximise your options.

Ex Big 4 accountant here (long retired).

I worked with many many trainees over the years. Of the few who were in established relationships before they were hired a noticeable % split because their other half couldn't cope with them "having a better job". For some their relationships became coercive.

Relationships made through work, especially if cultivated post qual, seem more robust.

So find a partner who shares the same values.

I’m assuming he knew what her career was when he married her.

It sounds like OP is only just getting to grips with the reality of a legal career, so her OH can’t have been expected to know. My point is, if OP’s and her OH have such different values it won’t work long term.

Agree with all the above. YANBU.

I feel like once a week is pretty good going !

I think you are probably going to have to make a choice, it doesn't sound as if this relationship is going to go the difference while you are in this career.

I am surprised that more people haven't picked up on your comment about shopping and washing up. Is he not doing at least half of this?

Sex is generally relaxing unless you're into swinging from chandeliers or having it in public. Have sex, wind down, sleep.
Mind, when people tell you who they are, believe them.

Once a week is fine OP. Law is bloody stressful and it's only going to get worse, city firm or not. Burnout is usual

You're busy and your DP has expectations

Obviously you don't have to do anything you don't want to do but you have a demanding job so you just have to balance it somehow

Broadly speaking I don’t think either of you are unreasonable, just perhaps not compatible. You’re not unreasonable to not have sex if you don’t want to, but equally he isn’t unreasonable to be unhappy at a relationship changing, especially if it’s going to be a long term change, and he may not want a relationship like that which is also not unreasonable.

If it’s a short term thing then I’d say he’s being unreasonable, I wouldn’t be bothered whatsoever if my husband was having a rough couple weeks at work maybe a tough case or something and for that reason wasn’t having sex etc, but if my husband never wanted to be physically intimate for months on end because of work, and the work situation wasn’t going to change, then I’d be having a think about whether that relationship is right for me.

Yep.

That said, OP clearly isn't enjoying it much either. @MummyJ36 is posting like this is someone in an established career, but that's not the case. Leaving the sex aside, it wouldn't be the first time someone had signed up for a city TC and hated it.

Read this book - Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. He should also read it.

Basically there is no such thing as a sex drive, only brakes and accelerators. Your brakes are on because of work stresses but his accelerators are working the same as always. Everyone saying end it because you’re not sexually matched - that is nonsense. You have to work at it the same way you work at anything in a relationship. Work out what triggers your brakes and accelerators for both of you and communicate with one another. It is all about context.

Seriously some of the obvious lawyers/wives of lawyers commenting simply have no idea of the realities of studying for the SQE even full time let alone alongside your actual training contract. It is just not the same as LPC or Solicitors Finals as they were back in the day. The reality is when she qualifies she will actually be in a far less stressful position as a NQ - 2 years qualified solicitor. So do stop with the nonsense if she can't cope with this how will she cope as a solicitor.

My sympathies are with you @HildegardVonBingham. Is your DH fully on board with you qualifying and is his role similar even if not the same. I am afraid to say my ex very much liked the idea of me becoming a solicitor when I was qualifying but didn't like the realities of it when in practice. Hence he is now my ex. I hope you cam find a way to ensure he is more supportive of you and you can work out how to make time for each other.

Do you have your LPC?

I am just trying to work out how you got a training contract without LPC or SQE, and why you would be asked to do the SQE if you already had LPC?!

👏👏

100%. Couldn’t have put it better.

So despite your workload you are still up for sex around once a week?

He needs to grow up or fuck off.

Dump the boyfriend and concentrate 100% on your training and work.
Don't date until you are fully qualified.

Presumably you need to set aside time at the weekend to study as well? I did the GDL and LPC alongside full time work in a law firm and had to fit it all into weekends and annual leave, even with the firm paying for it (I think I got half a day off per exam). Burnout is a fact of life in a city law firm, but hang on in there and once you're qualified, you can go elsewhere.

Work out what household jobs can be shared, order groceries to be delivered, ringfence an evening or two a week for the two of you, non-negotiable. And count down the days until the exams are over...

It’s not about the job, or the qualification … it’s, yet another, revolting, entitled man, who thinks sex is a right, rather than a privilege. Honestly, don’t hitch your cart to this one.

Of course he's being awful for making you feel this way about sex but honestly OP, if you can't stand the pressure now, just please don't continue this career path. It will only get worse.

I’d prioritise work and study. If they aren’t supportive they aren’t one for you. Then reassess when qualified if city law for you.
On a positive pass stats are decent if you are under 24 - 89%
SQE stats broken down by age, ethnicity etc
sqe.sra.org.uk/docs/default-source/pdfs/reports/sqe2-july-2024-statistical-report.pdf?sfvrsn=61e723ee_5

Agree with this.

Course not. I’m in a high pressure job, as are a lot of my friends. Sex drives and subsequently sex lives negatively correlate directly to the level of work stress you’re under. Your partner should think more about pressure he can remove from you, instead of burdening you further.