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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be too exhausted by training contract to have sex

134 replies

HildegardVonBingham · 07/12/2024 15:29

Hi all

I've just started my training contract at a city firm. The firm are inexplicably making us do the SQE (famously hard exams - c.44% pass) alongside the training contract. We get a day off once a week, but realistically you have to do extra work before or after work or at the weekends.

I'm not really enjoying the work - it is a steep learning curve - and studying alongside it feels relentless. As a result I am often too tired to have sex. I would say we do it about once a week, and DP and I had a massive barney about it this morning. DP tried to initiate sex several times this week and I didn't want to because I'd had an awful week at work and massively cocked something up. DP feels unloved and rejected because I don't want to have sex, and I shouted that I feel that all I do is work, study, and go to the fucking shops of do fucking washing up. I just think it's really selfish to not understand that when I'm tired and have had a shit week the last thing I want is to have sex. DP's job is quite relaxed, and this makes me feel extra martyrly and irritable.

AIBU!!!!

OP posts:
Isiteveroktousethecword · 07/12/2024 16:30

HildegardVonBingham · 07/12/2024 16:17

@Katela18 it is a new TC apprenticeship model - so we have to have one day off a week for study, but naturally we have about 16 hours' worth of study to squeeze into one day. I know that I should feel lucky to have the job - it's so competitive to get a TC - but I just find it all a bit hard ...

While doing the SQE alongside work is hard….you are not respn for any of the work you do at the moment. Work will get a lot more stressful, consider things that may help you to de-
stress? Gym/ yoga/ Pilates. - even getting off train/ tube earlier to do a little walking, while you won’t feel like it - it’s likely you will feel better after.

Also be clever with how you use your leave for studying…..

the SQE apprenticeship route is dire, I hope you are not at a firm that will sack you if you fail it.

good luck!

Chickenwhine · 07/12/2024 16:30

I’m a partner at a city firm, I can absolutely confirm that work is going to get a hell of a lot harder post qualification (and then ‘easier’ when you’re in charge). The career or the bloke isn’t for you. How old are you?

Original poster
HildegardVonBingham · 07/12/2024 16:31

TBH I suspect that @PrincessofWells is right. I don't mind working long hours, but long hours plus loads of study on top of that is horrible. If I don't pass the SQE exams in my third and fourth seat I won't qualify - my career is completely done for. It's very do or die, and my partner doesn't seem to get that sort of pressure. What I really resent is that there have been periods where I've been much more interested in sex than DP, and I never behaved like this...

OP posts:
Isiteveroktousethecword · 07/12/2024 16:33

boysinbars · 07/12/2024 16:23

It is right in many cases. As I said, it isn’t for everyone. You can either roll with it and enjoy your life alongside the job or maybe another way of practising the law is better rather than city private practice. If someone is incredibly stressed as a trainee when you have zero responsibility for anything how will you cope as a senior associate and beyond?

Show quote history

Eh - they will never make it to senior associate, if can’t cope as a trainee. In- house will be a better option.

Isiteveroktousethecword · 07/12/2024 16:34

HildegardVonBingham · 07/12/2024 16:31

TBH I suspect that @PrincessofWells is right. I don't mind working long hours, but long hours plus loads of study on top of that is horrible. If I don't pass the SQE exams in my third and fourth seat I won't qualify - my career is completely done for. It's very do or die, and my partner doesn't seem to get that sort of pressure. What I really resent is that there have been periods where I've been much more interested in sex than DP, and I never behaved like this...

That is not true, you won’t qualify at that time, but can re-
take the SQE, you will have completed your QWE.

SunQueen24 · 07/12/2024 16:35

OP this is the beginning and your career is always going to look like this - so it’s a case of whether or not you and your partner are compatible with that in mind. It’s not a question anyone else can answer - because what is acceptable to you both in terms of how much priority you give to sex is personal to you both.

HolyPeaches · 07/12/2024 16:35

OP, you’re not being unreasonable.

However, you do need to have a calm and frank discussion with your partner, one that doesn’t end up in an argument.

You need to be totally honest how you’re feeling at the moment. How much pressure you’re under and how exhausted you are. Any decent partner would already see this and want to support you.

If he can’t support you then it sounds like he’s not the one for you.

SunQueen24 · 07/12/2024 16:36

Itissunnysomewhere · 07/12/2024 16:26

It's why plenty of really bright and brilliant lawyers turn their back on city law. It's just so hideously unhealthy as a lifestyle

Either you and your partner need to accept that this is what the next decade or two will be like, or decide your expectations are incompatible.

His behaviour isn't ok but fundamentally right now you don't have time for a relationship

Yup I went in house and have zero regrets.

TheStorksAccomplice · 07/12/2024 16:36

OP it sounds as though this isn't just about the sex.
Do you need to re-evaluate your career pathway as you sound very unhappy? And then perhaps re-negotiate your relationship: ask your partner for what you specifically need to allow you to move forward. Life's too short for you to be this stressed.

JudgeJ · 07/12/2024 16:38

HildegardVonBingham · 07/12/2024 16:00

.... ladies..... I need to know if IABU or not...!!!!

Can't decide yet, I thought you had a contract to have sex when I first read the title!

DBD1975 · 07/12/2024 16:38

Absolutely not being unreasonable, your body, your life, your choice.

krustykittens · 07/12/2024 16:38

His reaction is unreasonable, OP, you are allowed to say no to sex without getting a stroppy attitude from your partner. But a work life like that doesn’t leave room for a personal life. Why does law and accounting demand such long hours from people?

LostittoBostik · 07/12/2024 16:38

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

Having said that - this is your life for quite a long time if you're going into law in the city.

If there are tensions already, is it worth continuing the relationship if it will only hold you back at this crucial point in your career?

You don't give that much context so obviously different if you've been together 20 years and have kids - but if you're young this indicates maybe it won't last the distance?

JudgeJ · 07/12/2024 16:39

YellowSwanFrom · 07/12/2024 16:07

So, I thought it was in your work contract to have sex and you were exhausted by it.

Snap!

Dillydollydingdong · 07/12/2024 16:39

I was a lawyer. It was miserable. No time for kids, partner, home life, social life.

Lifelover16 · 07/12/2024 16:39

Tell your husband you might be less tired and more interested if he helped out - why is it you who is doing the washing up and going to the shops? Does he do any other domestic chores - laundry, cooking, cleaning etc or does that all fall to you as well?

SunQueen24 · 07/12/2024 16:41

Dillydollydingdong · 07/12/2024 16:39

I was a lawyer. It was miserable. No time for kids, partner, home life, social life.

I am a lawyer, now locum in house. I have a great work life balance and can dictate my hours around my family.

Shefliesonherownwings · 07/12/2024 16:46

PrincessofWells · 07/12/2024 16:04

You chose a training contract at a city firm, that's exactly what it's like, and you risk burnout going forward from here.

Are you being unreasonable- it's what your partner thinks that's relevant surely, but sex is a good way to wind down.

Pretty useless and unhelpful comment. Considering how hard it is to get TCs now, the OP is lucky to have one. I’m sure she is hoping to just get through the training in order to start on her career, so being told she chose this doesn’t help at all.

OP I’m a training principle and the SQE is rife with problems. Doing your training and studying will be so hard and exhausting. To be honest, unless you want to jack it all in and effectively jack in the career, you have to put up with the workload unless it’s really taking a physical and mental toll that’s making you ill. what does your superviser say about it all?
Once you qualify you will have so much more scope to move somewhere less pressured.

What you need is a loving supportive partner looking after you not someone throwing their toys out of their pram because you won’t put out. Get rid of the man and keep the job.

teatoast8 · 07/12/2024 16:47

YANBU

Ophy83 · 07/12/2024 16:50

How is he on the domestic front e.g. cooking/shopping/laundry? I would think you may be more likely to be in the mood if he relieved those chores from your load

alwayslearning789 · 07/12/2024 16:50

boysinbars · 07/12/2024 16:23

It is right in many cases. As I said, it isn’t for everyone. You can either roll with it and enjoy your life alongside the job or maybe another way of practising the law is better rather than city private practice. If someone is incredibly stressed as a trainee when you have zero responsibility for anything how will you cope as a senior associate and beyond?

Show quote history

Just to agree that she is totally right.

For the exact reasons @boysinbars and others in the experience and know have given.

Your responsibilities at work are going to get way, way more in the way of your life and if you can't cope with the relationship aspects, coping with any children arising from the relationship on top of everything else if you go down that route will be even harder.

Sounds really harsh, but is true. Just have a look at the statistics...

Time for a chat and the necessary adjustments on how this is going to work between you.

Amba1998 · 07/12/2024 16:50

As a senior associate I can guarantee life never gets easier. Right now you’re not responsible for any of your own work. He is ofc being unreasonable but as a general pointer you’re going to need to factor in whether you can lead this kind of life until you retire

MummyJ36 · 07/12/2024 16:55

You are not being unreasonable. You are not a sex toy that he can expect to turn on whenever he fancies it. You are a human being and he needs to understand and appreciate that sex is not something you are willing to “guarantee” for him a certain amount of times a week.

If he’s feeling rejected then that is his own cross to bear. I detest this idea that men only feel loved when their partner is having sex / being sexual with them. What about cooking him a meal? Does that count as love and affection for him? Cleaning the house? Being interested in his day? All of these things are acts of love. It is infantile (and sadly very common even in the most kind and decent of men) to see sex as the only way they confirm their partners love for them.

altmember · 07/12/2024 16:55

You are being unreasonable to blame it solely on work/studying. But you can decline sex for any reason you want (or even no reason at all). If someone doesn't want sex, they don't want sex, and that should be the end of the matter - or it should lead to a constructive discussion on your sex life/libido.

On the other hand, it is the weekend - is the work and studying really that demanding that you can't even manage a saturday morning quickie? Sex is usually a good temporary distraction from the stresses of life, and the endorphins released can set up your mood for the rest of the day.

So it's fine to not want sex, but it's not really fine to simply blame it on work and shout at your partner about it.

MummyJ36 · 07/12/2024 16:58

I also hate this rhetoric that because she is prioritising her career, a career that is demanding but I’m assuming also brings her joy, that this is somehow wrong and his needs matter first and foremost. How many men are in high powered careers who would be given a hard time like this? Not many I don’t think.