To resent my father because he's rich and could help me ?

[grabbie]

Is that grabby and entitled ?

OP, you're very sparing with detail and context, but you seem to want us to make a judgement.

We can't, this is between you and your dad. Some parents don't finance their adult kids, even though they can afford to, because they don't want to encourage dependency. Some don't realise how much they are struggling. Some just don't think it's their job to.

Without more information, history, or an idea of your dad's attitude to this, we can't really comment.

If you have long term health problems it's worth looking into if you would be entitled to PIP. The citizens advice can help with this. If you are getting everything you're entitled to and still struggle then find a way to get that information across to your dad, even if you don't want to ask outright.

Being resentful because he hasn't offered won't get you anywhere and will damage your relationship with him

Ask him.

I mean, but that's not happening. Ask him.

Illness will only get worse

If you're not going to ask and he's not going to help, I don't understand your question. Although, I do sympathise. Not much you can do really.

Is he aware you need whatever type of help you think you need? I don't mean have you asked for it. Does he know you can't pay your rent/mortgage or whatever it is you can't pay for if it is financial help you need.

Is he really super rich (as in a multimillionaire with cash available rather than just assets) or is he just better off than you?

How "poor" are you? Are you on NMW or are you actually in a good job but consider yourself not well off because your Dad is "richer"? Do you save/pay into pensions and use your income wisely or do you spend frivolously . If the latter maybe that could be a reason he doesn't offer to help as he thinks it would be throwing good money after bad?

These one-line answers are not really helpful. Did you just want people to say he's awful and should fund your current lifestyle?

@grabbie so you want your father to subsidise your actual life?? is that correct? can you pay the bills and put food on the table??

Yes I do think a very rich person should help others in need if they can, especially if it’s their daughter.
but I’d never expect help or I wouldn’t ask so you’re being unreasonable to expect handouts.
I can’t imagine not helping my children though.

So talk to him. If he thinks you shouldn't work, then say that you agree, but you will then have no income. Ask him if he has any ideas on how you can live without an income.

Alternatively simply ask him for help so that you can stop working. Explore what benefits you'd get, show him that you've researched your options, and ask him if there's anything he can do to help you.

I think you should work out what you would need and then ask.

I'm currently recovering from a nasty medical episode and not able to work (I resigned for a career break just before this all started). I'm fortunate to have savings and low outgoings so I can concentrate on my health while I need to.

My mum keeps offering me money which I keep turning down. But it wouldn't be a "we will pay your outgoings" kind of money it would be "here's a bit of money to treat yourself" money. In fact, she's just given me an extra-generous Christmas present (of money - but more than usual) because I couldn't say no to that.

So I think you need to think through what your plan is and what sources you have of cash to support yourself, and then if there is a gap that it would make a real difference for your dad to fill, go to him with the detail and see what he says.

Not really. I know on Mumsnet most people think parents don't need to help their kids.

So I didn't expect anyone to agree with me tbh.

I don't want to write my whole life story. You know the crux of it. I don't need to give super specific details.

Relationship is fine on a superficial level. Although my dad is an abusive person and has been pretty shit to all of us our whole lives ( mum and siblings ). He is a classic narcissist. He's always controlled my mum with money and treated her like dirt.

This is also why I don't want to ask for anything. I don't want to give him the satisfaction, he thinks he can treat people like shit because he has money. But he knows my situation. My mum and siblings tell him all the time I need help. We didn't grow up rich at all. My dad just hoarded it, never even buying my mother a Christmas or birthday present. Same with us really. He only gave the absolute minimum. Forcing my mum to crimp and save a little bit of money together to buy us presents. He literally did the bare minimum to keep us fed. My mum did everything else for us.

Anyway, it's not a sob story but it's complex.

How much would you need from him. What sort of amounts are you talking about?

I mean it's quite the drip feed that he's an abusive narcissist - the original posts just made him sound rich!

As with most things, you don't ask you don't get. If there's a backstory and you're not prepared to ask, then I'm assuming there's a backstory on his end too and maybe he's not prepared to offer.

Giving your children money =/= supporting their lifestyle indefinitely.

He sounds awful. Why now do you expect him to help when he has been like this all of your life?

It’s not clear exactly what this help would look like. If there is something specific you want then you should ask.

Does he actually know how much you are struggling?

it would be unreasonable to say Dad can you pay my mortgage because I don’t fancy working anymore but maybe not unreasonable to say Dad I am really struggling with my illness can you please help me out to afford a cleaner/a short time off work/medical device to help.

What would you do with any money he gave you, have you looked into what you're entitled to financially if youre unable to work and any adaptations that might help. Has mum got access to money she can give you.

If he thinks you should not work, and has told you that, then perhaps you can find a way to “ask” him that plays to his ego and his wish to control.

Eg “I would like to follow your advice by quitting work, but I could only do that if I had a sum of XXXX in my own name to ensure my long term financial security, because otherwise I need to keep working: if I quite, I might not be able to get another job due to my condition. So I do not really have the choice to follow your advice.”

Then he might start trying to get his way. He might suggest for you to rely on an allowance from him (to which the answer should be “NO”). But if he really wants you to stop working, he will give you XXXX sum, which, unless you have a limited life expectancy due to your condition, should probably be somewhere between 25-40 times your annual needs (an IFA may be able to help you determine that more precisely). 40x would be conservative but he really is that rich, 25x or 40x would make no difference to him.

If it's like that I wouldn't want him supporting me, because a narcissist gives nothing without expectations of something in return, and you will end up ground down with it.

Best to work out what help you can get from other sources, you haven't said if you've tried the benefits route, you may be entitled to PIP and if not working through I'll health, Universal Credit.. there's extra money for those with health problems that prevent them from working, on UC, and if you are found to be in this group, you won't be expected to job search. These benefits also entitle you to discounts on your council tax and help with rent.

Some local authorities have Social Prescribers who help with these kind of things, and your GP might be able to signpost you to support, as well as the CAB.

Yes, this. That's why context, not 'whole lifestory', matters.

If he's an abusive narc, I understand that you don't want to give him supply. But it's his money, and a man like that is not likely to give it to you. It's indeed complex. Can you look at disability benefits? I'm not in the UK so not sure what the threshold for illness is. Hope you find a solution.

Well I wouldn't want a single penny from such a shit parent and I wouldn't be in contact with them!

When I really needed financial help I finally caved and asked my mom. I knew that the amount I needed - temporarily - was about the same amount she had just received from selling a property (she had several at the time). I explained why I needed it, said I would pay reasonable interest. And she said no.

According to one of my brothers with whom she discussed this she found this a very difficult thing to do but she couldn't get her head around why I needed the money despite my explanation. And despite the fact that she had given (not loaned) similar amounts to 2 other siblings.

Oddly I think part of it is because the ones that got money from her were my brothers and therefore she felt she should support the males in the family. But being female I should be supported by my husband - even though she knew he'd stopped working to be the carer for both his parents.

So I get not wanting to ask because refusal is painful. And refusal is a real possibility even if ££ is needed for the best reasons in the world.

No I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect money as an adult. Parents should make sure they do everything in their power to give their children security and good opportunities when their children are children.

But being raised by a well off parent can actually mean their children never develop a desire to stand on their own feet etc etc

I might have missed something but if your father doesn't think you should work how does he think you're going to support yourself? He clearly knows that things cost money.

If you didn't grow up rich and he's amassed his money from just being miserly and spending the minimum necessary, I can't see how he'd have hoarded enough to fund someone for potentially decades. As people paying for care homes find out, what seems like a lot can disappear quickly (unless of course there's another factor such a massive inheritance he's had)

OP, you would be best off looking at how you can sort this out yourself. If he is indeed narcissistic and controlling, you are better off without conditions on your life and freedom.