To resent my father because he's rich and could help me ?

[grabbie]

Is that grabby and entitled ?

I don't think parents have to help their kids financially into adulthood. At some point you aren't their responsibility. It is different if they will never be able to work or have complex health needs for which provisions have to be made. Could he help you of his own volition, yes of course but he sounds unpleasant as it is. You've already said there was some abusive behaviour and he's a narcissist. I'd not ever ask someone like that for money so they could lord it over me nor would I be inclined to accept it. You've written about maintaining a lifestyle. if you can't work due too ill health then you cut your cloth accordingly, even if he has millions which he earned or inherited it really is up to him to do with them what he will. I'd focus on your health and own family. There is an element of being entitled and bitter in your posts, you might not inherit his money, he might well spend it or donate it all to charity for all you know. Money from a person like your 'dad' will come with lots of strings and won't be worth the paper it is printed on.

If your parents are rich and weren’t already funding you as an adult (ie so your salary isn’t your only source of income) then he’s either not that rich or he’s a right arse. It’s very common for wealthy parents to buy their children their houses so the pressure to work isn’t as pressing anyway.

Yes I think parents should help their adult children in this kind of situation.

But honestly, OP, you know what he's like. That he's not a generous person.

So being resentful, while understandable, is only going to leave you with a load of bad feeling, which won't do anything to change the situation.

Hard as it is, it might be best to grieve that he's not the parent you'd like to have, and find a way to go on with your life without depending on him.

When you say you want to keep your lifestyle op, what exactly does that entail? What is it that you would like the financial help from him to cover?

There is too little information to comment on here really. Generally I have supported my kids through college and I am providing quite a lot of support with deposits so they can buy their own house. We have always been clear that outside of this they need to stand on their own two feet and fund their own lifestyles. I will help from time to time, but I do not buy an increasing trend that the bank of mum and dad should be funding adults into middle age. The impact of this would be that the GPs can do nothing to support the GCs when they pass on..

I’m reminded of my grandparents. Super rich running a business in their 40-70s. They supported 5 grandchildren thru education. Helped to pay private medical care as needed. Sold business and real estate to retire when illness forced them to quit work.

Their savings paid for their OWN care at home. For nearly 30 years - home carers they paid for themselves.
No children or grandchildren had to do care for them - all could continue full time jobs. Child care & education.

It was their money to use as they wished. Everyone got a bit when they passed.

They absolutely needed that money for level of care required at home. They were smart to use it for their own needs. When parents are 50, or 60 they could live to be 103 as my grandfather.

Are you married/live with s9meone? Maybe your dad thinks your dp should support you if necessary.

If I had the money I would help my child. I can’t say why your father won’t offer to help you but if you don’t ask, then the only thing you can do is ignore his wealth.

I understand why you feel aggrieved by his lack of offer to help but I don’t know what you can do.

I know so many parents, who willingly and lovingly help their adult children, I'm surprised by the responses here. It's different to being a 'responsibility'. I don't think OP is saying it's a responsibility of her father. But it's something she would like to have. She would like to have her father, willingly and lovingly, help her out. And that's not hard to understand. Surely most of us would want this, and would accept it if needed.

If I was super rich, I'd love to help my kids, especially if they were ill.

I still help them out financially if I can. Your dad sounds mean.

Honestly it really depends. If we’re talking about you needing money so that you can keep living, food to eat, roof over head, heating house, clothes etc then yes, absolutely I think if he can afford to then he should be offering to help- I would be.

If the “life you’re living” means 5 holidays a year to Dubai & New York, £1000 winter coats and £100,000 cars, then no, I don’t see why he should offer to fund that.

This is what I was wondering. OP keeps mentioning that if she doesn't work she won't be able to maintain her current lifestyle but she's never said "if I don't work I'm going to lose my home and my children will starve." That kind of leads me to believe that there's a partner and if she reduced her lifestyle a bit she wouldn't have to work and they would still be ok with just partner's income.

I never understood this attitude to parents. Presumably, they worked hard for their money and to save. Now they're travelling and enjoying life and the result of that work while they still can.

Isn't that what people work towards? To be able to enjoy life when they no longer have to work?

100 percent this. You need to stand on your own two feet - as a grown adult you are not entitled to anything from him.
Inheritance included.

I would help anyone in my family if they were struggling but I wouldnt want anything from a narc parent who treated my family like hit, I wouldn't want to feel obligated to him, no such thing as a free lunch.

The responses on here are what I expected. For this site on this issue. But in the real world most people I know tend to want to help their adult children if they have a good relationship and the adult children are doing their best (in fact many help even when these things aren’t the case).

I cannot imagine a world when I would not help my adult children in any way I could.

So OP, no I do not think you are at all unreasonable. But have you actually asked your father? Actually spelt it out? Told him how things are for you and what he could do to help?

YABU
You are an adult
Your dad can do whatever he likes with his money whilst he’s alive and when he’s dead. There should be no expectations at either point.

It’s time to be independent and not rely on others to fund your life as it is. It’s really not up to others to fund your current lifestyle.

I believe it's immoral to be a multi millionaire. If I ever had that much money it wouldn't be mine for long. There is no moral justification for hoarding more cash than you can spend in a world that is so full of social injustice.

In case anyone thinks I'm all talk, I have shared every bit of good fortune in my life so far. This hasn't been easy, our kitchen is old, our house looks tired and is full of broken things, there were times when I was tempted to spend it on myself. I just can't see other people suffer and stand idly by if I have the money in the bank to help.

To the OP, your father is a dick.

Sorry OP I see you say you don’t want to ask him. From what you have said he will not offer though. So if you really want his help I think you should ask him. It won’t feel easy or comfortable but you need to weigh up which is the least bad option; asking your father, struggling on at work, or cutting back. Only you know what the answer is.

Same here.

OP, in your case though I'm not sure I would ask. It's different when it's offered, and your dad isn't offering. I think I would rather hold my head high and get on with it, life, in whatever way I could. For my own self-respect.

You might have to downsize your home and lifestyle to a way of living that suits your financial situation as it actually is, not how it possibly was during your childhood.

And like a PP said, look into any benefits you may be entitled to, if not now, but in the future. Not all are means-tested.

But in the real world most people I know tend to want to help their adult children if they have a good relationship and the adult children are doing their best

Maybe this isn't the case here.

OP hasn't asked, as you say if they have a good relationship they'd ask, my DC would think nothing of it and where possible we'd accommodate.

But in OP's own words...
No I would not ask, it should come from him/

OP what makes you think it should come from him?
It's you that wants/needs help, then it's for you to do the asking

We have helped our adult children considerably though not rich ourselves and in fact are retired.

our parents did not give us a penny, different generation. We always worked full time and never expected anything.

OP I would most certainly help any adult child in your situation if I could do so. To me that's what being a family means.
I'm aware of several, very wealthy people like your father, they have huge amounts of money that they largely keep for themselves and they appear to be extremely unhappy.

I always go against the grain on these threads. Personally I feel it goes against nature to watch your children suffer at any age. The boomer generation are the first to have children who have a worse quality of life than them. My parents will regularly sit and talk about how they have so much money they don’t know what to do with it. We struggle to make ends meet and both have poor health. I’d walk over burning coals to ensure my children have a good life.

Yes, of course I would help. Any decent parent with a child in need would want to help. But he's not a decent parent, which you've known most of your life, so while wanting help and thinking you should get help is very reasonable, thinking that your father WILL help is unreasonable.