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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex no longer able to give DD lift

550 replies

crazycattlady0 · 07/12/2024 14:34

I share a DD11 with my ex. He sees her every other weekend and one week in the summer holidays. This has been the pattern since we split up 7 years ago.

He also takes DD to her sport every Wednesday evening, watches her then drops her back.

My ex has been with his partner for a few years and she has a DD a couple of years younger than DD.

My ex has messaged to say that he can no longer take DD to her sport. His SD has just started a similar sport and because the mum can't drive, my ex will now be taking her.

AIBU to think this is unfair on DD, or is it ok because I can drive and therefore take her now?

OP posts:
LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 07/12/2024 19:36

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 19:21

Because she already does multiple sports on 3 nights a week… and she can still get to her sport because of the OP.
DSD wouldn’t be able to get to the sport without him.
So even if he isn’t taking her then she can still go and it works out equal for both kids.

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It’s not equal as one is losing out on the precious time with her dad.

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 19:36

Bachboo · 07/12/2024 19:34

I think you are projecting your own issues here. The responsibility of getting the step daughter to her activity lands fair and square with her own mother and father. Asking the step father to do it and get him to dump his daughter from a long standing arrangement is not reasonable it’s nasty

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My kids don’t have a step parent and our kids are both mine and my husbands… so you can go and make some other fantasy up about projecting my own issues.

Nothing wrong with her step dad stepping up, OP can step up and do it as she’s available.

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 19:37

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 07/12/2024 19:36

It’s not equal as one is losing out on the precious time with her dad.

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It’s equal in terms of sport commitments for the girls.

Bachboo · 07/12/2024 19:38

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 19:36

My kids don’t have a step parent and our kids are both mine and my husbands… so you can go and make some other fantasy up about projecting my own issues.

Nothing wrong with her step dad stepping up, OP can step up and do it as she’s available.

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Your argument makes no sense whatsoever and is actually cruel towards his own daughter. The mother already takes her daughter so her ex needs to keep to his arrangement

Penguinmouse · 07/12/2024 19:39

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 19:36

My kids don’t have a step parent and our kids are both mine and my husbands… so you can go and make some other fantasy up about projecting my own issues.

Nothing wrong with her step dad stepping up, OP can step up and do it as she’s available.

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Fuck off can the OP “step up” -she does all the bloody work. The dad sees his daughter eight times a MONTH and this cuts it down to four so he can step up for his girlfriend’s kid.

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 19:39

Bachboo · 07/12/2024 19:38

Your argument makes no sense whatsoever and is actually cruel towards his own daughter. The mother already takes her daughter so her ex needs to keep to his arrangement

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It’s not cruel and he doesn’t and he’s not.
So what?
The OP can have a moan but she can’t do anything about it except take her and that way both girls can do a sport.

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 19:40

Penguinmouse · 07/12/2024 19:39

Fuck off can the OP “step up” -she does all the bloody work. The dad sees his daughter eight times a MONTH and this cuts it down to four so he can step up for his girlfriend’s kid.

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His step child…. Which every step parent is told to treat as your own.
Double standards on this thread are through the roof.

Bachboo · 07/12/2024 19:41

Penguinmouse · 07/12/2024 19:39

Fuck off can the OP “step up” -she does all the bloody work. The dad sees his daughter eight times a MONTH and this cuts it down to four so he can step up for his girlfriend’s kid.

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Completely this. This posters view of it is odd the say the least and very cruel to the daughter. They don’t seem to understand the step daughter has two active parents who should be managing it

lateatwork · 07/12/2024 19:42

Why can't he take both kids?

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 19:42

Bachboo · 07/12/2024 19:41

Completely this. This posters view of it is odd the say the least and very cruel to the daughter. They don’t seem to understand the step daughter has two active parents who should be managing it

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I understand and one parent is unavailable so the other one will have to do it.

If OP had a partner then maybe he can help her too.

Bachboo · 07/12/2024 19:42

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 19:39

It’s not cruel and he doesn’t and he’s not.
So what?
The OP can have a moan but she can’t do anything about it except take her and that way both girls can do a sport.

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You just don’t seem to understand the step daughter has two parents of her own who should manage THEIR daughter getting to her club it should not be at the expense of a long standing arrangement.

Penguinmouse · 07/12/2024 19:42

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 19:40

His step child…. Which every step parent is told to treat as your own.
Double standards on this thread are through the roof.

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Ok, imagine this is his child. Would you expect him to ditch a commitment to one child to allow another child to start a hobby? Get a bloody grip, you’re just desperate to defend an absolute deadbeat dad.

Sushu · 07/12/2024 19:42

SuperfluousHen · 07/12/2024 19:28

Exactly! It’s irrelevant. Nobody knows and it doesn’t matter anyway because it changes nothing about OP’s situation.

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It might impact upon the child though.

”I’m sorry, Emma. Daddy has to take Lucy to her dance class instead of you because her daddy is poorly with X and cannot drive.” or “I’m sorry, Emma. Daddy has to take Lucy to her dance class instead of you because Jane doesn’t drive and I don’t know why her daddy can’t but it doesn’t matter, eh?”

StopGo · 07/12/2024 19:43

It isn't that he's 'not able' bur he doesn't WAN'T too. Maybe he'd pay for a taxi to cover up his shitty parenting.

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 19:44

Penguinmouse · 07/12/2024 19:42

Ok, imagine this is his child. Would you expect him to ditch a commitment to one child to allow another child to start a hobby? Get a bloody grip, you’re just desperate to defend an absolute deadbeat dad.

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it’s just reorganising getting to and from it. happens all the time

Thepurplepig · 07/12/2024 19:44

PassingStranger · 07/12/2024 14:37

How does he please everyone?
Why cant you take her?

He’s her dad FFS. Who gives a shit that the girlfriend can’t drive. That’s not his daughter’s problem. The other kid is nothing to do with him. Where’s its father?

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 19:45

Bachboo · 07/12/2024 19:42

You just don’t seem to understand the step daughter has two parents of her own who should manage THEIR daughter getting to her club it should not be at the expense of a long standing arrangement.

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I understand it and for all you know the step kids bio dad can’t drive tie her.

arrangements change. That’s life.

OP will just have to do it as he can’t anymore.

Bachboo · 07/12/2024 19:45

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 19:42

I understand and one parent is unavailable so the other one will have to do it.

If OP had a partner then maybe he can help her too.

Edited
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No you plainly don’t understand and you are just here ti argue. How sad

SuperfluousHen · 07/12/2024 19:45

Bachboo · 07/12/2024 19:42

You just don’t seem to understand the step daughter has two parents of her own who should manage THEIR daughter getting to her club it should not be at the expense of a long standing arrangement.

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What various people should do isn’t relevant.
Only what is actually happening matters at the end of the day.
OP has already said she will drive her daughter.

Sushu · 07/12/2024 19:45

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 19:40

His step child…. Which every step parent is told to treat as your own.
Double standards on this thread are through the roof.

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It’s not double standards. Any excuse to be bitter from some…

He had a commitment to one child and that commitment first. Even if they were both biologically his, it would be a spiteful thing to do. It’s purposefully reducing his limited contact time with his child.
Why can’t step child do another day? That’s what happens in any other family even when siblings are biologically related!! What happens when 2 children have 1 parent at home? Tells the younger one to find another day and then that is their day.

Penguinmouse · 07/12/2024 19:45

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 19:44

it’s just reorganising getting to and from it. happens all the time

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Ok then then stepchild can reorganise her event. Nobody is available to take her so she can do her sport on a night someone could take her. Maybe her own parents could step up rather than relying on stepdad. How did Mum cope before she met the stepdad?

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 19:46

Thepurplepig · 07/12/2024 19:44

He’s her dad FFS. Who gives a shit that the girlfriend can’t drive. That’s not his daughter’s problem. The other kid is nothing to do with him. Where’s its father?

Edited
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The step child is not a ‘it’s’
Vile thing to call a child.

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 19:46

Penguinmouse · 07/12/2024 19:45

Ok then then stepchild can reorganise her event. Nobody is available to take her so she can do her sport on a night someone could take her. Maybe her own parents could step up rather than relying on stepdad. How did Mum cope before she met the stepdad?

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But her step dad is available…. And he’s happy to do it which is lovely.

Bachboo · 07/12/2024 19:48

SuperfluousHen · 07/12/2024 19:45

What various people should do isn’t relevant.
Only what is actually happening matters at the end of the day.
OP has already said she will drive her daughter.

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Because she doesn’t want her daughter to miss out. It is her fathers responsibility to carry on with this commitment and giver the OP a break

lateatwork · 07/12/2024 19:48

It's his night. He has to manage the conflict surely? So, he might bring both kids to the sport? Arrange alternate week lift shares with other parents?