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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex no longer able to give DD lift

550 replies

crazycattlady0 · 07/12/2024 14:34

I share a DD11 with my ex. He sees her every other weekend and one week in the summer holidays. This has been the pattern since we split up 7 years ago.

He also takes DD to her sport every Wednesday evening, watches her then drops her back.

My ex has been with his partner for a few years and she has a DD a couple of years younger than DD.

My ex has messaged to say that he can no longer take DD to her sport. His SD has just started a similar sport and because the mum can't drive, my ex will now be taking her.

AIBU to think this is unfair on DD, or is it ok because I can drive and therefore take her now?

OP posts:
urbanbuddha · 07/12/2024 18:22

QuizzicalPause · 07/12/2024 18:19

Still none of her business why the child's own dad can't take her. That child is shit all to do with her

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That child is being used as an excuse for the dad’s unfeeling behaviour and the neglect of his own daughter.

Biscuitjockey · 07/12/2024 18:27

She does everything else . Morning , noon and night . He does nothing. But it’s alright for men to do the bare minimum because they know us women pick up their slack and get it done.

NImumconfused · 07/12/2024 18:28

QuizzicalPause · 07/12/2024 18:04

Because he's been doing it years so now op can have a go?

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You are kidding, aren't you? The OP who looks after her 26 days a month and already takes her to activities two other evenings a week??

OP he's clearly just a shit father and I'm sorry for your DD's inevitable hurt at finding that out, but at least she has one good parent in you.

HRTQueen · 07/12/2024 18:30

So the time spent with his DD is limited and now he has made the decision to be involved even less

of course it’s not good parenting from him

your poor DD

tolerable · 07/12/2024 18:30

I'd have ex be one tell her of changing arrangement.
As you can drive,and presumeably are willing to -i think is bit projectionist to imply he is favouring sd. If you couldnt drive and he pulled same i would think differently.
As thats NOT the case...its a bit snidey to throw in any emotional or paternal conflicts.its basic logistics. He doesnt love your dd any less.

SuperfluousHen · 07/12/2024 18:31

GreyCloudsAbove · 07/12/2024 18:16

You are kidding right. You do realise that a lot of those men get away with shit behaviour because their families / partners don't hold them accountable. What can their parents do. .. let me think. Maybe talk to them ? Maybe require them to take responsibility for their own child and maybe cut them off if they don't? Even if only worked on some, that would be an improvement.
As for women dating those wenkers.. get some self respect and don't entertain men that ditch their kids ?

You are literally trying to say there is no room for any changes in the society because noone can do anything, and I'm telling you that little by little if we all started to stand up in one way or another, things could change. Excuses don't solve anything.

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I know a woman who lied straight faced to a social worker about how her own grandson abused his little daughter in her presence.

Many neglectful, abusive fathers are from families that are generations deep in these sorts of behaviours.

Yes, of course you or I would ‘have a word’ if this was going on in our circles. But it’s not. I brought my sons up with better morals than that. I expect you would
be the same.

p1l1l · 07/12/2024 18:33

What a silly man.

He’ll reap the consequences.

SuperfluousHen · 07/12/2024 18:33

Biscuitjockey · 07/12/2024 18:27

She does everything else . Morning , noon and night . He does nothing. But it’s alright for men to do the bare minimum because they know us women pick up their slack and get it done.

I don’t see anyone here saying it’s alright.

Soontobe60 · 07/12/2024 18:34

QuizzicalPause · 07/12/2024 14:40

He's got two kids now. DD will have to just get used to not being no.1. All the time. She's got a half sibling. That's important

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A half sibling requires both children to share one biological parent. The OPs ex is not the biological parent of his GFs child so therefore it is not a half sibling.

SuperfluousHen · 07/12/2024 18:37

urbanbuddha · 07/12/2024 18:22

That child is being used as an excuse for the dad’s unfeeling behaviour and the neglect of his own daughter.

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What practical difference will knowing why the step daughter’s father isn’t driving her to her sport make to the situation?

He might not have a car.
He might not have a licence.
He might be working, in prison, on an oil rig…

what difference does it make?
OP will still have to drive her daughter there.

ShamblesRock · 07/12/2024 18:38

As you can drive, and presumably are willing to

I'm sure it is less "willing to" and more not wanting the DD to miss out because of a shit decision by her father.

LivinInYourBigGlassHouseWithAView · 07/12/2024 18:39

44PumpLane · 07/12/2024 14:36

Honestly I think it's really shit of him. I would absolutely call him out on it, he's prioritising a new arrangement for his step child over a longstanding arrangement for his child- it's really not on!

100%

His new wife needs to figure out how to get her child to and from her activity. He should be continuing to support his own child.

What an arse.

LivinInYourBigGlassHouseWithAView · 07/12/2024 18:41

Personally, I'd send him a link to this thread as well.

Bachboo · 07/12/2024 18:42

Teisen1990 · 07/12/2024 15:12

Should he? Or should he 'love SC as his own' ?

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He should have his SD that he couldn’t take her that as he already had a commitment but he could take her another day

Ponderingwindow · 07/12/2024 18:42

If he was treating his girlfriend’s daughter as his own, he would have had her pick an activity on a different night because he already has to transport a child on wed.

this guy is replacing his daughter. It does not bode well for the future.

nothing you can do. He is a bad father. You can’t save your daughter from the fact that he is awful.

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 18:47

Penguinmouse · 07/12/2024 16:18

This isn’t about a stepparent. This is about a parent prioritising his stepchild over his biological child that he already has a commitment to.

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Wtf. This is literally about OPs ex who is a stepparent.

LIZS · 07/12/2024 18:47

If she dies other activities on other nights can you not just swap evenings? Assume similar activity is not at same location or that he could not drop one then other then do pick ups?

Bachboo · 07/12/2024 18:49

QuizzicalPause · 07/12/2024 15:32

She might not be able to drive

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Then the step mum accepts that her daughter does her sport on another day

PinkyFlamingo · 07/12/2024 18:51

Why are people going on about half sibling, share with her sister etc ...when it's a step child so nothing to do with OPs DD?

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 18:51

Bachboo · 07/12/2024 18:49

Then the step mum accepts that her daughter does her sport on another day

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Why? The step dad can take her since OP dd has her mum that can take her.

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 18:52

PinkyFlamingo · 07/12/2024 18:51

Why are people going on about half sibling, share with her sister etc ...when it's a step child so nothing to do with OPs DD?

But that’s not what every step mum is told on here? According to MN you have to treat your step kids exactly as if they are your own and if you don’t you are an evil witch.

Bachboo · 07/12/2024 18:52

Teisen1990 · 07/12/2024 16:17

The hypocrisy on this thread is disgusting. Most on here proving that whatever a step parent does its wrong.

Will save this thread to pull out every time a step parent gets told to 'love them like your own', 'treat them the same', prioritising your own child will give the stepchild lifelong issues'.

So you think an arrangement the father has with his daughter for a considerable time should be stopped so he can take his step daughter to an activity. Surely the sensible answer would be he takes his step daughter on a DIFFERENT day

urbanbuddha · 07/12/2024 18:54

The OP’s ex lives with his stepdaughter. He already sees her far more than his own daughter.

GreyCloudsAbove · 07/12/2024 18:57

SuperfluousHen · 07/12/2024 18:31

I know a woman who lied straight faced to a social worker about how her own grandson abused his little daughter in her presence.

Many neglectful, abusive fathers are from families that are generations deep in these sorts of behaviours.

Yes, of course you or I would ‘have a word’ if this was going on in our circles. But it’s not. I brought my sons up with better morals than that. I expect you would
be the same.

Show quote history

Well done 👏 and I sure am doing the same with mine whilst dealing with a horrible ex that drops DC like hot potatoes. I'm just saying there are plenty of families that are more than able to hold those men accountable but don't yet are very quick to jump on us women and expecting us to suck it up.

Fraggeek · 07/12/2024 19:02

Why can't the mother take a bloody taxi!!
Is this not the most logical answer? Surely when looking into activities, you would work around pre existing commitments and work out a solution. A taxi or bus even walking depending on distance would be an option over a father stopping his contact with his child on that day.

If no other options are appropriate, find an activity on a different day.