Ex no longer able to give DD lift

[crazycattlady0]

I share a DD11 with my ex. He sees her every other weekend and one week in the summer holidays. This has been the pattern since we split up 7 years ago.

He also takes DD to her sport every Wednesday evening, watches her then drops her back.

My ex has been with his partner for a few years and she has a DD a couple of years younger than DD.

My ex has messaged to say that he can no longer take DD to her sport. His SD has just started a similar sport and because the mum can't drive, my ex will now be taking her.

AIBU to think this is unfair on DD, or is it ok because I can drive and therefore take her now?

I’d email him with a message saying exactly that and asking why SD’s dad can’t take her.

@YourWildAmberSloth yes he lives with them and yes the child's father is in the picture.

None of her business why he can't take her

The OP is entitled to blow off steam, feel angry and feel disappointment for her child.

The “it’s not the worst thing an ex can do” sentence is terrible! So what?! It’s still bloody awful for a child to have their contact reduced. When else can we use that line? “Sorry your husband hit you on the arm but I know someone who was punched in the face”? “Sorry you lost your mum when she was only 70 but I lost both parents before they were 60!”

They’ve had this arrangement for years. Why should she take her? It’s obvious that not upsetting his new wife is more important then his child’s activities.

Another shit dad, not much you can do.

If you can give her lots of contact with good male role models in her life such as grandparents, uncles, adult cousins etc who will give her something to compare her dad too so she realises it is not right what he is doing and expects more from men.

Having those role models in her life my niece(32) worked it out eventually (after some difficult teen years as she felt rejected by her dad). And daddy dearest got a very public announcement of what a crap father he was when she chose one of those other men, who were there for her when she needed them growing up, to walk her down the aisle and daddy was invited as a wedding guest only.

You are correct, those men play the victim and I don't know how we should all hold them accountable at all times but the society has always made far too many excuses for men. Cheating? Oh its in their nature to be alpha and have lots of women. Not looking after their children? Oh well not their job, it's women job. Oh we don't have to, we pay cms. Oh we can't get there we have to work. The default of blame / responsibility often falls on women.

I'd start with those men parents, and before you rebut that they might not have any, plenty of them do have them.

Because he's been doing it years so now op can have a go?

And what? What do you expect their parents to do?

He doesn’t see his kid that often, you’d think he’d want to take her. But he’s more than happy to take a kid that’s nothing to do with him. I wonder how his daughter will feel. That’s the most important thing here the child.

Why is the bar so low on fathers.

I’m not quite sure what you’re not understanding.

@QuizzicalPause so using your logic since it's her turn to do that one night it's surely his turn to do the other 2 nights that op does?

Give your head a wobble. OP already takes her on 2 other days!

Split up parents should aim to do 50/50 or as close to that as possible. OPs ex is doing nowhere near that !

I've got some maths for you. Ex does EOW that's 52 days plus 7 for school holiday. Total of 59 days out of 365 days. That's 16%! Absolutr disgrace and people like you are the problem supporting this behaviour of men dropping their children for new ones, particairly ones they have not even made.

On top of everything else the OP is doing?

I presume he can pick up the other two nights the OP has been doing for years instead then?

Except he won't. So the OP is left picking up the pieces of a shit ex.

He literally sees her eight times a month and not giving her a lift will reduce that to four but do keep shilling for shit dads.

What, practically, does this mean though?

A “low bar” = low standards. Have you never come across this term before?

There have been many replies on this thread which clearly hold fathers at such low standards. Like the one I originally quoted for example.

You are kidding right. You do realise that a lot of those men get away with shit behaviour because their families / partners don't hold them accountable. What can their parents do. .. let me think. Maybe talk to them ? Maybe require them to take responsibility for their own child and maybe cut them off if they don't? Even if only worked on some, that would be an improvement.
As for women dating those wenkers.. get some self respect and don't entertain men that ditch their kids ?

You are literally trying to say there is no room for any changes in the society because noone can do anything, and I'm telling you that little by little if we all started to stand up in one way or another, things could change. Excuses don't solve anything.

Yup but he won't because he's a dick

Yup. That's right. That's the way this cookie is crumbling though and OP can't do anything about it

Course it is. It’s having a very negative impact on OP’s daughter, whose own father has been designated driver’s duties for the SD.

Still none of her business why the child's own dad can't take her. That child is shit all to do with her

It’s an utter tragedy when fathers drop their children, for any reason. (The only time it would be acceptable would be if actively abusive fathers dropped their children, but sadly they seem to want more and more contact and opportunities to be abusive.)

No amount of outrage here or anywhere else is going to stop this from happening. Even courts can’t make parents have contact if they don’t want to.

Being realistic about this does not equal supporting such behaviour.

He barely see her anyway!

Have you any experience of co-parenting?