To want to see my friend without her toddler?

[harrietmg]

I’ve been friends with her since primary school, over 20 years, and we’ve always been super close. We were each other’s maids of honor, and she’s one of my best friends. Since having her daughter, Sophie (2.5 years old), she insists on bringing her to every meet-up. At first, it made sense because Sophie was breastfed. Now, she says she doesn’t want to miss any time with her daughter, and lately, she frames it as “so fun” to have Sophie along now that she’s move grownup, calling her “another one of the besties” who enjoys our outings and is “part of the gang”.

The reality is less fun. Brunches involve constant interruptions: “Don’t touch that,” “Let me wipe your hands,” “Don’t shout,” “Get down before you fall,” or “Don’t hug Aunty Harriet with jammy hands.” While I understand this is normal toddler behavior, it’s hard to relax or have a proper conversation when I’m dodging sticky hugs or watching her manage Sophie the whole time.

When I’ve suggested meeting without Sophie, she always says, “I don’t want to miss her childhood because of brunch.” We’ve tried playground meet-ups, but those mostly consist of us running after Sophie to keep her safe while barely talking. I love children, but sometimes I just want time with her. For her sake too: she’s mentioned losing 90% of her friends because “if someone doesn’t want to spend time with my child, they aren’t a true friend.”

She has a nanny-housekeeper four days a week and regularly asks her mum to babysit when she and her husband go on date nights (about once a month), but otherwise, she refuses to leave Sophie. I’ve suggested meeting after Sophie’s bedtime or letting her husband put Sophie to bed, but she says she doesn’t want to miss bedtime, and by then, it’s too late to go anywhere.

I have two children of my own (a 5-year-old and a 9-month-old) so I understand the challenges of maintaining pre-motherhood friendships as a parent. But I’m also conscious that, as lovely as my children are, they’re not necessarily welcome at every social gathering. I’ve always made an effort to respect that.

Now, she’s asked if she can bring Sophie to my 30th, a 7 pm dinner at a high-end restaurant, then leave halfway through when Sophie gets tired. I love Sophie, but I don’t think it’s fair to have a toddler crying, running around, or throwing food (as toddlers do) at what’s meant to be a special evening with friends.

Your friend needs to get a grip. Most mums would dance at the door and enjoy an opportuntity to skip one bed time!

I wouldn’t be able to stand being told I was besties with a toddler - you’re all way better people than me.

I once went to a hen do with a woman who brought her 7 year old so she could be “one of the girls”. She wasn’t a bad kid but we sat there for over an hour whilst she held court about school drama and her favourite cartoons, whilst mum sat and beamed with pride at how adult she was. The bride ended up having to suggest she leave as mum was keen to bring her back to the apartment where all the dodgy games were going to be played. “Don’t worry, she’ll blend right in, she’s ever so mature!” No, nobody wants to play pin the dick on the cut out man with your 7 year old!

That’s where this woman is headed.

There are no rules which prohibit posters asking for advice if a similar query as been asked before.

"Hi friend, it's a child-free meal. Let me know if you can make it."

Good lord, she sounds like hard work! I don’t know anyone who would actually say this type of thing! I have two lovely DD and like you love time with old friends without them. You are not being unreasonable at all!

No, it's adults only. Ours won't be joining. Let me know either way xx

@harrietmg is her hubby also going for the meal?? does he refuse to babysit look after his own child??? she sounds like she will still be putting her daughter to bed at 10 years old!!

Sounds like you are going in opposite directions in 2025

Christ she sounds like a lot of work. I would be pulling back from the meet-ups if she can’t bear to leave pft (precious first toddler)… I like my friends’ kids but there’s no way we’re part of the same ‘gang’ or besties! Fucking madness and so draining when you’ve managed to escape your own!

You know she’ll bring the kid to your birthday dinner, don’t you? You need to prepare your response to that!

like PP has mentioned too, funny how she can ‘miss out on her childhood’ when it suits her. Utterly batshit.

I really struggle to believe that a parent would want to bring a toddler to a 7pm dinner. What time does she normally eat/go to bed?

Ditto
We all need some adult only time and it annoys me when some parents feel it is OK that their children dominate every occasion

Wow.

I mean this kindly op, but is your friend... Ok? Because this is really extreme? Did Sophie come along after some struggles or losses?

My son is 5 and was a baby through lockdown. His separation anxiety when the world opened up was off the scale and if I'm being honest probably so was mine a bit because it had been just us for so long. He also has some additional needs. So even now I don't get out as much as I probably should for "me time" but it's improved massively this last year. I would never take him to something clearly not aimed at children and I'd never make my friends feel bad for not always wanting meets ups to include him. "Only so many bed times" good lord I'd absolutely give an arm to miss some bed times with my son 🤣

I also think she's being selfish and very cheeky trying to guilt you like this whilst regularly having date nights and having the privilege of a sodding housekeeper and nanny!

harrietmg

Your birthday dinner is an easy one - a straight no. Your children will not be there, it's an evening event and most importantly you don't want children there.

I would also be tempted to say that if she's going to miss Sophie so much, she'd best not come. In fact insist she doesn't

As for the other aspects of your relationship - you've asked, you've been honest but she's not taking on board what you are saying. I've known a few women like this -they become so completely engrossed in their child to the exclusion of everyone else and in one instance to the exclusion of the father as well. Sometimes a second child breaks the cycle, but usually there's no second child, so it continues. It's not healthy, and sadly there's not a thing you can do about it.

Use your birthday dinner as an opportunity to re-shape your relationship. You can continue to invite your friend to adult only meet ups, but accept she will not join you. You can tell her this or not, but as the saying goes - you can't make someone else change how they behave, you can only change how you behave.

“I don’t want to miss her childhood because of brunch.”

what?!?!? Does she think she’s going to get home and find Sophie scrolling right move, demanding a deposit so she can move in with her ‘in-a-band’ boyfriend?

She’s clearly already had this out with her DH and he won if she manages date nights without Sophie…. Who’s probably at home chilling out with Bluey and telling her GP that her mum is soooo clingy.

Now, she’s asked if she can bring Sophie to my 30th, a 7 pm dinner at a high-end restaurant, then leave halfway through when Sophie gets tired. I love Sophie, but I don’t think it’s fair to have a toddler crying, running around, or throwing food (as toddlers do) at what’s meant to be a special evening with friends.

Reading this has made me really cross. It just shows that some parents don’t really care about important things in their friends’ lives.

Absolute no chance RE the 30th birthday. She needs to cut the apron strings if she wants to retain friendships. How tedious.

Sounds like she has issues! I love my daughter but I also love having adult only time.

Christ, some parents these days go on like no one’s ever done it before.

You're a better woman than me if you don’t just tell her to stop being so fucking precious and get her head out her arse.

Fuuuuuck what an irritating, entitled, self absorbed idiot she is @harrietmg !

I’d be tempted to say “If you feel you’ll be too distracted to come then give it a miss and we can see each other another time.”

Time to be firm and stay firm. From now on be available for child free meet ups at times which work for you. Otherwise let go and tell her you’ll be delighted to meet when she feels ready to.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. And you've been far more patient than I would be.

If this was my friend, I'd eventually start worrying about her mental health but it's a tricky one - how do you bring it up?

What's more worrying is the "my toddler is my bestie and part of the gang" - what my therapist had explained to me very clearly is that your parents cannot be your bestie when you're a child. You can have a friendly relationship with your parents when you're an adult. Ask me how I know - yep, you guessed it, my mum wanted us to be Gilmore Girls type besties and was annoyed when it wouldn't work, which in turn then resulted in guilt tripping me for years and years.

Rant over 😂

tell her you wouldn't dream of making her do something that she wouldn't enjoy and that you will see her again when Sophie is 18.

As someone with children I always warn my friends if I have had an issue with babysitting - if it has to be a meet- up with the children.

I also speak to my friends with children separately to tell them if I’m hosting a child-free event. So maybe you can tell your friend that your birthday on this occasion is child free. And maybe try to get her excited about an evening with just adult chat?

It’s good that you also have children in this scenario as you can then soften the blow a little.

Sounds like she is too attached to her child (I never thought I’d say that) but she is missing out on time for herself. I know they are children once, but we only live once too!

YANBU. This sounds really excessive and I’d be wondering if your friend has some serious anxiety going on. I’d be interested in how she feels about and copes with going on date nights with her husband.

I don’t think there’s anything more you can do at this point other than establishing your own boundaries. It is absolutely unreasonable to bring a toddler to a birthday dinner in an upscale restaurant. I would therefore just say this event will be child-free, and that you’d love to see her. You are not responsible for her reaction to this and I’d be inclined not to get into any reassurance seeking with her, or making exceptions. When it comes to things going forwards it really depends how much you want to bend to accommodate her wishes with her child always being present. I would probably see her less in all honesty, and hope this phase passes. I have young DC too, but unless she has absolutely no childcare options she is being unreasonable here. I would keep in my mind the possibility of anxiety too though, as this can often present itself at this stage. All you can do is be there for her and continue with the friendship in a way that works for both of you currently.

’The dinner is adults only. Even my children aren’t attending. I hope you can come.’

Say no. As a tired/busy mother of 2 I’m looking forward to a child free night.