He says I love a painting more than him

[BeLimeTiger]

I have a painting in my living room that was a gift from my ex who was an art collector. I didn’t make a secret of where it came from when he asked me a couple of years back. It’s of a bird, so not a sexy nude or a scene from a place we went together. I agreed that we wouldn’t have it in a prominent place if we bought a house together (I was thinking maybe in a spare room). He said last night that it feels really uncomfortable about it (he now lives in my house) and compared it to him having a picture of his ex on the wall. I love it as a piece of art and don’t think of my ex when I look at it. I could sell it but the stubborn part of me wonders why I should get rid of something I love to make someone else happy. We’ve been together for over 3 years and my experience of him is that he’s not jealous or controlling.

I felt completely blindsided by him suddenly bringing it up last night and he took my reluctance to agree to take it down as a sign that I love the painting more than him.

YABU- sell the painting. Your DP feels uncomfortable about it being in the house
YANBU- sell it when you buy somewhere together

Tell him very firmly that this is your house and you can decorate it as you like.
If he genuinely thinks you are harbouring feelings for your ex, well that sounds deeply bizarre based on a painting alone. It's a big red flag.
I bet you wish you'd just said, yeah it's a nice painting, can't remember where I got it...
Is he paying his way? I don't like the way he sounds like he's encroaching on controlling.

@MounjaroUser I'm not saying that the painting would upset me, but if there was something that made me uncomfortable and they refused to get rid of it knowing how it made me feel, I'd obviously question if they cared about me at all!

As it happens my husband moved into my house that I'd been in for a decade before him. No issues like this, but if there were I'd just get rid.

If you bend to this ridiculousness, prepare to be controlled further. He will know you give in. Don't.

He’s barely spoken to me today so i really think that’s how he feels

Though obviously linked, this red flag is almost worse than the fuss over the painting

If I've got it right and he's living in your house prior to buying somewhere together, consider it a warning around how he'd behave in a place that was "his" ... or better still just do what everone's suggested and get rid of him

Do not sell the painting.

You love it and it belongs to you. YOU. Not your ex, not some long lost love of your life, you. Your painting. How you came to own it is irrelevant.

Should he go through all of his possessions and dump anything he owned before you were on the scene? Of course not. He's an insecure, controlling idiot.

I have a few artworks I really love. Anyone getting the hump because of who bought them for me would get short shrift.

It is, he’s trying to bully, control and emotionally manipulate her as he’s jealous and he doesn’t like her having anything an ex gave her.

id kick it out. It being him and not the picture. Which is worth a shed load more than this piece of work.

You shouldn't sell the painting at all. It's a painting. He needs to get over himself. How ick-inducing.

He might not mean to be manipulative, but that's how it comes across. You love the painting for it's own merits, not bc it reminds you of your ex. You broke up for a reason.

Keep it! He needs to get over it or leave

if there was something that made me uncomfortable and they refused to get rid of it knowing how it made me feel, I'd obviously question if they cared about me at all!

I think that's the same childish reaction that the OP's partner is having. It's as if you've no control over your feelings. If you feel uncomfortable, the question is why, and if it's because you were insecure about your DP loving their ex via a painting, then it's not for your DP to cave and give those feelings any legitimacy. It's on you to get a grip and get over it, or to realise you have issues with insecurity and get help to manage them, not let them be the ruler of you both. If a painting makes you obviously question how a DP feels for you (using OP scenario), then I'd say it's not a strong enough relationship to be moving in together. In essence - the problem is not the painting/the 'something' and getting rid of it solves nothing.

I think your partners feelings are valid. Tbh I wouldn't like it if my husband had something on display from his ex. If it made me think of the ex and I had to look at it every day, I think it would annoy me. So he's not unreasonable for saying he doesnt like it. However, if he really loved it and assured me he really wanted to keep it there because it brought him so much joy etc then I'd probably be able to get over it.

I think the compromise of having it in a less prominent place is fine and it IS unreasonable to say you can't have it at all. It's yours, no matter who it came from.

I had similar when DH kept his dad's ashes on full display in the centre of the living room mantlepiece. It was a huge big wooden thing with a few other bits from the funeral dotted around it (think dried flowers etc). Although I appreciated how sentimental it was, I just felt a bit funny it being the centrepiece in the living room and it felt a bit morbid, and when we started a family I asked if he'd be happy to have it in the spare room so he could still have it and sit by it to remember his dad, but it wasn't on display for all to see (it was years after he passed). He was fine with it. We now put new memories there that we are all happy with instead. X

Another sign of control....not speaking to you ....yuk!

@pinkdelight hmm it may be childish to you and you're of course welcome to your opinion, but if I was upset about anything, if DH could change that he would (and likewise). We prioritise each other and don't shame each other for our feelings. If DH was insecure about something, I wouldn't tell him that was his problem to work on. I'd provide him with reassurance. Each to their own!

What on earth is smart about bowing down to his sulking?

I've got jewellery from my ex-H that I still wear, perfume from an ex-bf, etc. They're things associated with that time in my life, but I'm not getting rid of them.

He is being unreasonable. It may be a general source of insecurity for him that he can't connect with you over art, whereas your ex (and potentially other men) could, and he's fixating on the painting as evidence of this. A grown-up discussion might resolve this, but if he only wants to sulk then that tells you all you need to know.

In my experience, any jealousy about exes has been a sign that he's not over an ex, so it's really not looking good.

Did your ex paint the painting, or buy it? For me that would make a difference. Buying a painting as a gift is about a shared interest, no different than buying a record or a book. Thoughtful (hopefully!) but it’s about the item. Producing a piece of art for someone you love is a really intimate gift and might be more about the relationship than the finished product.

Don't get rid of it - he needs to deal with it. Does he feel the need to compete or inadequate in some way?
Cripes knows what my partner would do if he felt like this. It is my children's home, they want pictures of their Dad around (deceased) & of us as a family. He has no issues with it & actually talks to them about their Dad.

Edited to add
But you can't compete with the dead luckily he doesn't feel the need to even try

Odd for an adult to claim this.
If you like the painting, don't sell it.

Course I'd provide him with reassurance, but if what he was upset about was unreasonable and stemmed from baseless envy, as it is in the OP's case (which is what I was referencing, not knowing you and your DP), then I wouldn't prioritise his upset, no. Because that lends credence to his insecurity and doesn't actually reassure him. It just legitimises his belief that he can't trust me and that I do in fact still having feelings for the ex, so even though I've done as I'm told and sold the picture, it wouldn't actually fix anything. It's fine to prioritise each other if both people are being reasonable, but if one is being jealous and controlling then they don't need that indulging.

Silent treatment to force you to comply is not a good thing.

His feelings about the painting are his to deal with imo, you telling him you don't think of your ex when you look at it should be enough to settle any insecurities he might have in a healthy, trusting relationship. The fact that he doesn't seem reassured by that is, as many PP's have pointed out, a red flag you really can't ignore because he's clearly unable to take you at your word and rationalise his feelings accordingly.

The fact that he's now sulking and stonewalling you are further red flags and I would be calmly pointing that out right about now and suggesting he has a go at being a mature adult instead if I were you. He'd have one chance then to prove this was some sort of one-off aberration and he does actually have some emotional intelligence and if that wasn't forthcoming I would be cutting my losses I'm afraid. And yes, I would be saying the same were the sexes reversed in this scenario, trusting your partners word when there's no evidence to the contrary is a pretty integral part of any healthy relationship imo.

Quite! OP is hardly gonna treasure a piece she bought to appease her jealous moody DP.

This is one of those little litmus tests in a relatively new relationship.

Being upset that your partner's ex existed and trying to block out any reminders of them is irrational. The root of that feeling is jealousy and territorialism, which is... not a great trait, and it's up to you to work on them if you feel them. It's not up to you to turn that on to your partner with an "if you really loved me you'd burn all trace of your ex" guilt trip/ultimatum.

Don't get rid of the painting, OP.

Absolutely. His issue to work on, not yours to solve by appeasing his irrational jealousy about your past.