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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He says I love a painting more than him

339 replies

BeLimeTiger · 07/12/2024 13:28

I have a painting in my living room that was a gift from my ex who was an art collector. I didn’t make a secret of where it came from when he asked me a couple of years back. It’s of a bird, so not a sexy nude or a scene from a place we went together. I agreed that we wouldn’t have it in a prominent place if we bought a house together (I was thinking maybe in a spare room). He said last night that it feels really uncomfortable about it (he now lives in my house) and compared it to him having a picture of his ex on the wall. I love it as a piece of art and don’t think of my ex when I look at it. I could sell it but the stubborn part of me wonders why I should get rid of something I love to make someone else happy. We’ve been together for over 3 years and my experience of him is that he’s not jealous or controlling.

I felt completely blindsided by him suddenly bringing it up last night and he took my reluctance to agree to take it down as a sign that I love the painting more than him.

YABU- sell the painting. Your DP feels uncomfortable about it being in the house
YANBU- sell it when you buy somewhere together

OP posts:
stuckdownahole · 07/12/2024 14:24

Good job you don't have a child from your previous relationship.

bifurCAT · 07/12/2024 14:25

BeLimeTiger · 07/12/2024 14:15

I can sort of see where he’s coming from. If he was wearing a necklace or ring his ex gave him then I would probably feel funny about that. Something functional like a watch then probably not so much

Show quote history

That's the thing... On the one hand, no-one should tell you what you can and can't do. It's your passion, your history, your life.

On the other, maybe a bit of empathy here. If it was an apartment, some people would say it's a lot of money, should you really love out with every new person and start fresh. Others would say they wouldn't want the ghost of boyfriend/girlfriends past haunting you. People tend to want to declutter exes from their new relationships.

So I do disagree with people here. I think something small, like a pendant, a coat (which might not be worn often), or say, a cuddly toy which could be kicked off the bed, fine, keep that around. A picture that's in your face and on a wall, reminding him every time he's in that room of your previous relationship, that's borderline for me.

Crunchymum · 07/12/2024 14:26

We have a few paintings up that were actually painted by DP's Ex before me (landscape paintings from photos of "once in a life time" places DP went before he met either of us)

They were gifts to him, and are incredible pieces. I'm happy to have such meaningful and beautiful art in my house.

(Ex was 20 years + ago, pictures probably 25 years + ago and they've been on our walls for 17 years!)

SquirrelSoShiny · 07/12/2024 14:29

ShouldIEvenBother · 07/12/2024 13:36

This^

He's being ridiculous. And controlling. Although you've not seen signs of him being controlling before OP, make no mistake - this is the start of it.

But by all means, test the theory out. Give it to a friend or relative to 'look after' for you, and when you start seeing more signs of his controlling behaviour you can ship him out and get your painting back.

Show quote history

This. Expect to see more of this as time goes by.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2024 14:29

He’s really pathetic. This is a bad sign. Please don’t ignore it.

HelterSkelter224 · 07/12/2024 14:30

EVHead · 07/12/2024 13:43

Keep the painting, get rid of the bloke.

This

MisoMouse · 07/12/2024 14:31

Keep the painting. I'm not sure I would keep him.

SnoopySantaPaws · 07/12/2024 14:33

Bogginsthe3rd · 07/12/2024 14:00

I would just sell it and choose a replacement piece of art with him. Think smart.

Think smart

???????

there's no thinking going on there, let alone smart!

Iloveyoubut · 07/12/2024 14:33

you should never sell it! Ever! Oh my god! Would he expect you to put a child up for bloody adoption because it hurt his feelings that your ex was the father? This is not normal OP do not sell that painting! Ever! Bin that guy. And I’ve only said that about 4 times on here. That would give me the ick of my life!

Onlycoffee · 07/12/2024 14:34

he took my reluctance to agree to take it down as a sign that I love the painting more than him.

Such a ridiculous conclusion!

Ia he always so dramatic? Has something else happened to cause him to feel insecure?

Onlycoffee · 07/12/2024 14:38

He’s barely spoken to me today so i really think that’s how he feels

Sorry didn't see this update, he's trying to manipulate you to get what he wants.

You can't give in to him now otherwise he will think all he has to do in the future to get his way is not talk to you for a day or so.

SnoopySantaPaws · 07/12/2024 14:39

I think you should agree to move it from such a communal & prominent position

and put it up in your bedroom!

Iloveyoubut · 07/12/2024 14:40

bifurCAT · 07/12/2024 13:52

If this was HIS painting, I guarantee posters would be saying 'he's clearly not over his ex'.

Seriously? It’s a painting. Of a bird. That OP loves. I have a now adult child with my ex. Should I stop talking to him if a meet someone else in case the new guy thinks I’m not over my ex? Should I get rid of my watch? My airfryer? My couch?

EuclidianGeometryFan · 07/12/2024 14:40

LostSocksBrigade · 07/12/2024 14:18

So many replies here telling you to dig your heels in but I agree with above. It's okay that he feels like that, it's okay that you love it. He knows how important art is to you so he's made an association between that and your ex. Somewhere there is a healthy middle ground but honestly having a gift from an ex on prominent display, whatever it is, wouldn't feel great. Neither of you are wrong and that's the kicker but honestly don't think I'd throw away an otherwise happy relationship for anything like that.

Somewhere there is a healthy middle ground

Sometimes there is just no middle ground. The painting is currently on her living room wall, in her house - he moved in with her.
OP has said she might compromise on putting it in a spare room if they get a place together. But they are not there yet, they are still in her house. So at present, she should not move the painting to placate him.
Especially because he is now giving her the silent treatment.

OP - this situation is your warning. Stand up for yourself now, in no uncertain terms, or you will regret it.

Always be wary of a man who moves into your space then tries to throw his weight around or 'mark territory' like a dog.

GivingitToGod · 07/12/2024 14:42

TomatoSandwiches · 07/12/2024 13:33

I wouldn't get rid of it at all, this is his problem to get over.

Ditto
DON'T GET RID OF THE PAINTING THAT YOU LIKE SO MUCH

dudsville · 07/12/2024 14:43

My ex and I did this kind of thing to each other. I'm not saying it's why we separated, but it wasn't a good sign. FWIW, my DH and I never felt the need to do this kind of thing with each other, and I take it as one of the many signs of a deep trust between us. I value that trust so much, so for me this wouldn't be about an object that I treasure, but about whatever was bugging dh so much that he was displacing something on to that object.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2024 14:44

He’s barely spoken to me today

Oh dear, that's not good.

And on the 'you love that painting more than me' point. This is the salami version of control. Slice a little bit of you away each time. Each piece looks tiny and no big deal but over time...

I'd respond that you love art, it's part of who you are, and yes, you do love yourself more than him. That's a healthy thing. The picture doesn't mean 'ex' it means 'whatever it means to you'. And that part of you is important.

He's pissing in corners to mark his territory.

Scarydinosaurs · 07/12/2024 14:45

So ridiculous. He needs to go and have a think about how childish he’s being.

NotISaidTheCat · 07/12/2024 14:47

I couldn't vote because both options involve selling the painting.

You should not sell the painting.

BustyLaRoux · 07/12/2024 14:48

He is attaching a meaning to it and making the (incorrect) assumption that you are doing the same. Essentially he thinks your love of the painting is a sign of fondness for your ex. That the reason you love the painting is because of the person who gave it to you. And he can’t see that you don’t share that view. You love rhe painting. And it doesn’t matter how you came by it. He assumes his version of the narrative is the only possible truth. And he feels threatened by this imagined fondness for your ex.

I’m sorry but these are red flags to me. He sounds like he has no empathy (doesn’t care that you love the painting). Like he is jealous and insecure. Like he doesn’t believe you when you say it’s just a painting and doesn’t matter your ex gave it to you. He assumes he knows you better than you! The whole emotional blackmail (“you love the painting more than me”). The barely speaking to you as you haven’t done what he wanted. He is being childish, controlling and unreasonable. Are you sure there aren’t other red flags..?

MounjaroUser · 07/12/2024 14:48

He doesn't want to not have sex, though, does he? Why is he worried about a painting of a bird when you've had a sexual relationship with someone?

He's moved into your house and can't cope with the fact you had a life before him. That's his problem.

I'd be amazed if there'd been no other signals before this. Anyone who thinks his partner prefers a painting to him is very insecure. The two things are not comparable in any way.

CatsndtheBear · 07/12/2024 14:49

I have a painting that a man did of me (he was in love with me but we didn't date). I have it up in my bedroom and DH loves it!
I've moved it to every place we have lived and will keep it forever because it is an art piece that is fabulous and it has me in it :D

Your DP has far deeper insecurities that he needs to work on.

MounjaroUser · 07/12/2024 14:49

I'd be really pissed off that he moved into my house and made me feel uncomfortable by ignoring me, too.

goody2shooz · 07/12/2024 14:51

@BeLimeTiger this is your painting, in your house that you kindly let him move into. He’s now giving you the silent treatment cos he wants you to get rid of a favourite item?? And says you love it more than him??? Dear god what a petulant man child. Keep the painting and ditch the manipulative, sulky, wannabe-controlling specimen out. Be warned, this is the thin end of the wedge….give in to this and it’ll be something else. Then something else. You have been warned. 🚩 🚩🚩

Motherrr · 07/12/2024 14:51

It's showing his insecurities, either within himself or within the relationship. Like you say It's not something that reminds you of your ex and not in a prominent place so shouldn't be a problem.