He says I love a painting more than him

[BeLimeTiger]

I have a painting in my living room that was a gift from my ex who was an art collector. I didn’t make a secret of where it came from when he asked me a couple of years back. It’s of a bird, so not a sexy nude or a scene from a place we went together. I agreed that we wouldn’t have it in a prominent place if we bought a house together (I was thinking maybe in a spare room). He said last night that it feels really uncomfortable about it (he now lives in my house) and compared it to him having a picture of his ex on the wall. I love it as a piece of art and don’t think of my ex when I look at it. I could sell it but the stubborn part of me wonders why I should get rid of something I love to make someone else happy. We’ve been together for over 3 years and my experience of him is that he’s not jealous or controlling.

I felt completely blindsided by him suddenly bringing it up last night and he took my reluctance to agree to take it down as a sign that I love the painting more than him.

YABU- sell the painting. Your DP feels uncomfortable about it being in the house
YANBU- sell it when you buy somewhere together

So with this silent treatment he's now signed his own departure notification, yes?

Really he needs to go, not the painting!

It's a piece of art you like so YANBUAA - move it from the lounge and put it in your study (if you have a study). If you don't, it stays where it is. Your house, your art.
Now a shared house, again, comes down to shared taste. You usually buy and furnish together things you both like. If he hates it, it goes to your space and vice versa. But this is about his and insecurity that your ex bought you (and could afford to buy you) a nice piece of art.
Don't let that be the reason for you to sell it.

Maybe you would but it's a painting of a bird FFS. I wouldn't give toss tbh. My DH's ex bought him amazing Le Creuset cookware one Xmas as they both love cooking - I use them almost daily now 🤣

You need to deal with this firmly and assertively. Because he's either sensitive to a point he'll be hard to live with, or is engaging in power play. Neither can be pandered to or you'll not be able to call your life your own. Tell him no and that's your final word, you won't change your mind, so if its a deal breaker he needs to leave rather than stay around trying to force you to change your mind with silent treatment. Tell him to have a think and if he's staying that's the end of the matter. It seems harsh, but you have to nip this in the bud, short and sharp.

I wouldn't be selling it at all.

I would just sell it and choose a replacement piece of art with him. Think smart.

Is that your advice to the OP then? That this signals she's not over her ex? Otherwise, not sure of your point...?

Erm what?!

That's the opposite of smart.

I couldn't vote, because I don't agree with either option. You like it, so why would you even consider selling it? You partner knew it was there and where it came from. You did not get a place together, he moved into yours.

Personally, I would ask him to move out again. It may seem minor, but he sounds terribly insecure.

I have been in his shoes. I discovered a necklace on my boyfriend's nightstand. He told me an ex gave it to him. I asked him why he never wore it, as I thought it looked cool. Why should I care an ex gave it to him? He liked it enough to keep it on his nightstand. If it were a picture of her, I might have felt differently, but it was just a necklace that looked good on him.

Quite!

Agreed .. in fact, I think I'd be quite forceful in telling him to get over it or get tae!

Yes, that’s more ‘allowing my boyfriend’s ridiculous projection onto an inanimate object to be more important than my own affection for said object’.

If it were me it would be turning up everywhere he went. Booked a hotel room? Guess what's on the wall. Going to a friend's? Turns out they also have one. Birthday card from family? Look what print they've chosen.

Sounds like he’s having a tantrum to get his way.
he's a baby, and emotionally stunted.

I’ve said yanbu. But you should keep it. He’s being ridiculous and the line that you love an inanimate object more than him is just bizarre.

I'm not voting because I don't agree that you should do either of those things

He's childish, manipulative and now he's giving you the silent treatment.

Get rid of the partner not the painting.

Don't let him tell you what you can and can't have in your own home. I won't let anyone move into my house.e. I expect a man t provide for us not be a bum with nothing of his own.

Neither of you are wrong imo.

Maybe you don't associate it with your ex, but he clearly does and he can't help that.

You're not wrong for wanting to keep it either though.

So the choices are one of you has to be disappointed by keeping/not keeping the painting, or you need to split up.

If such a small thing is being blown up like this, then I can only I imagine what will happen when there's a real issue to deal with, the communication and compromise isn't there and neither are willing to back down, so it's probably not going to work out in the long run.

I can sort of see where he’s coming from. If he was wearing a necklace or ring his ex gave him then I would probably feel funny about that. Something functional like a watch then probably not so much

He can move into his own home if he doesn't like the way you run yours. Good grief.

Whose house?

Problem solved!

So many replies here telling you to dig your heels in but I agree with above. It's okay that he feels like that, it's okay that you love it. He knows how important art is to you so he's made an association between that and your ex. Somewhere there is a healthy middle ground but honestly having a gift from an ex on prominent display, whatever it is, wouldn't feel great. Neither of you are wrong and that's the kicker but honestly don't think I'd throw away an otherwise happy relationship for anything like that.

@BeLimeTiger I voted yanbu- but I don’t think you should sell it.

he needs to deal with his insecurity or move out. It’s that simple.

I have things a violent ex bought me that I’ve legit because I love them. Not him. I don’t miss him. But the things he bought me are things I would have bought myself and I love them. I don’t even remember him when looking at them. It’s a standalone item and the link to him doesn’t really exist anymore.

say someone visits your house and admires the painting.

would you wax lyrical about the amazing boyfriend that bought it - it would you be yattering away about the fabulous artist?

Your partners being a knob.

Your BF is somewhat controlling - it comes across as one of those "I'm going to sulk unless you do this" scenarios.

It's a painting. You like it. The fact an ex bought it is irrelevant. He is your ex for a reason, it didn't work out with him, but that doesn't mean you have to get rid of anything he ever bought you.

I have a book my ex bought me, which he wrote something lovely in. I have actually read it to my kids as it's such a lovely story. Even though me and him didn't work out, it's a nice reminder of a happier time we had together which I wouldn't want to erase.

@BeLimeTiger your BF needs to accept everyone has a past, and a past should not have to be erased.